Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (3) - 4. Entry 4

Tuesday

So, it’s like this: I know from my Dad’s behavior last Thursday that I am not hiding my feelings for Billy at all well. I think that’s one of the things that’s been bothering me about this whole thing.

He is my dream come true. He is the love of my life. He is my everything and I have to hide it somehow so that we don’t expose ourselves to everyone.

The feelings that well up in me every time I see him almost brings me to tears. How did I get so lucky? How did I ever manage to capture his heart? Billy, who I’ve wanted for so long.

I can’t hide it and I know that I have to. To keep Billy and me safe, I have to! There’s no choice in it. Too many people will get the wrong idea about us and the rumors will start to run amok. Then…the predators will come for us!

If I ever see Billy with a black eye like Stevie has, I am afraid I’ll become a news story on the Five O’Clock news! The person that hurt him I’d hurt in turn or worse! I’d not be able to hold my temper in check. Then again, a gang of these people might take us both down after school one day and half kill us!

Worse, my Dad might find out and he’ll be heartbroken that he has a gay son.

No, I have to keep myself from showing how much in love I am with Billy. I have to keep us safe! I have to sacrifice my time with him so that I don’t betray us to the wrong people.

So, I made that sacrifice today. I avoided Billy again at lunch. I knew he’d probably be spending it with Sam anyway. Sam would be the first to figure out what’s up between Billy and me if I wasn’t careful.

Fortunately or unfortunately, Billy found me anyway, but it was at the end of the school day so I didn’t have to avoid him completely. I just wish he’d take the predicament we’re in more seriously! I swear, at the top of his voice he starts saying and asking the most damning things! How can I let him know that he needs to be more careful! I guess, as much as I love Billy, I still don’t know completely how to talk to him about stuff. My heart says take him as he is and just love him and the world be damned. My brain says to be careful and use better judgement.

So, when I saw him this afternoon it was all I could do not to bolt in the opposite direction. My ‘brain’ was in control, I guess. But, he’d caught me and there was nothing I could do about it. I came up to him, trying to work the best smile I could and asked, “Billy, what's up?” I couldn’t help but to look around to be sure no one was spying. I was sure eyes were on us. We’d spent so much time alone together I had to figure some people would be talking!

I tried to avoid eye contact with Billy. I had squatted down and started undoing my bike chain when he asked me in a very unhappy voice, “You ditched me for lunch again today.”

He couldn’t have seen it, but I must have visibly winced when he said that. He was angry with me and a chill of fear ran through me that I was loosing him already with my stupidness.

Trying to side-step the whole issue, I said, “Oh yeah, sorry about that. I had a report to do on the Depression, sooo...,” hoping that might throw him off.

I should know better! Billy is one of the smartest people I know and he can see right through me! He knows me so well it’s almost scary!

“Bullshit.” Billy said flat out…yeah there was no hiding from him and if I couldn’t even hide from him how was I going to hide the both of us from them?

I tried to act confused and asked him what he was talking about. He came back with, “You know what. Why are you being like this? What did I do wrong?”

This was what I was afraid of! Billy doesn’t seem to understand the danger we’re in! If we’re discovered there will be almighty Hell to pay! Between the lunk-heads around here and things getting back to our parents, how can he not be careful with what he says?

I looked around me in my paranoia, making sure no one was listening to this. We were having a ‘lover’s tiff’ out here in front of everyone!

“Shhh, lower your voice. What are you doing?” I tried to quiet him so as not to draw any more attention to us than he was already doing, but it was useless! Billy simply couldn’t understand how I feel about all this! He wasn’t being careful and it was making me feel the need to ride away from him to stop him from Outting the both of us!

“I wanna know why you've been dodging me lately. Everything was cool this past weekend, and now you're treating me like some kind of diseased puppy, and I wanna know why!” Billy was getting louder as he got more frustrated and that was making me frustrated with him!

I tried again to get him to keep a lid on it, “Can't we just...look...I'll call you later tonight and we'll talk, ok?” I would talk to him about it tonight! I would never ditch that phone call! At home, on the phone, at least we could have a little more privacy to talk about this without the danger of being discovered! My Dad doesn’t listen to my calls. He, at least, respects my privacy…but why can’t Billy do the same?

“No, we can't talk about it 'later'. Why later? Why not right now? This is the only time I can get you to pay me any attention.” Billy wasn’t getting it. I couldn’t understand how he could be so tone-deaf to the music that was playing here. How could he be so careless about us? How could he be this foolish? It, kind of, hurt that he couldn’t see things my way. It was the first time I’d ever seen anything in Billy that I couldn’t, just, love about him. He can be really insensitive and pushy with what he needs and with what he wants without considering that this thing might be bothering me very much! Extremely much! I need to be careful and so does he!

I felt myself physically cringing as he kept up with his pushing. The fact that he was only getting louder and, I guess, meaner with his voice didn’t help at all! I had to look around again to be sure we weren’t being watched and listened to.

“Dude...I'm trying to talk to you. If you look over your shoulder one more time...I'm outta here.” Billy said, putting his foot down. He was sure to get what he wanted and that was my undivided attention…whether I could give it or not didn’t seem to matter!

I felt myself panicking as I was sure that this whole conversation was going to get louder and louder and that we’d finally attract the kind of attention we didn’t need! When I reflexively looked at a bunch of laughing boys as I heard them walking past, Billy just fucking gave up on me! He’d had enough. He turned around and just started to walk away! I tried calling out to him to wait, but he kept going.

He was so angry he started to stomp away fast enough to where I had to pump several times on my bike just to catch up to him!

“Billy...wait....ok? We can talk. Just...let's get away from this place first. Alright?” I begged him to see reason, but when I looked over at him I saw his eyes starting to water.

I had hurt him. I’d hurt him a lot and my heart just felt like it was crushing inside of my chest!

He slowed down enough so that I could finally get off my bike and walk with him. After a couple of blocks of the silent treatment, he relieved me by finally speaking to me again, “So are you gonna talk to me, or are we just 'pretending' again?”

I told him, “I know you're mad...,” but he corrected me, “I'm not mad, Brandon. I'm hurt. I'm hurt because you don't wanna be seen with me.”

That was a stab to the heart if ever there was one. Not because I felt that he’d misjudged me, but because, like I said before, Billy can see right through me! I was afraid of being seen with him at school! I was afraid for all the reasons that I just said. But, at last I could see how hurtful that could be for Billy.

Maybe it wasn’t Billy being the selfish one here. Maybe it is me that can’t get over myself enough to just open up to Billy and love him without any hang ups.

But, “What are people gonna think when they see us eating lunch together and hanging out all the time?” I asked him. Surely people would be talking about how close we are becoming. How could they not guess how much in love I am with this golden boy, this most handsome of all the boys in school?

“We ALWAYS eat lunch together and hang out all the time! They're not gonna notice anything different. And even if they did, who cares?” Billy told me and there again, I felt this disconnect with him. Why couldn’t he get that I cared and why couldn’t that matter to him? I had my reasons to care! But, was I being honest with myself? Were these fears of other discovering us the only reason I cared that we not be seen as a perfectly Gay couple?

“I care! Billy, maybe you can sit down at a table and pretend that you're not so far in love with the person sitting across from you that you can hardly breathe...but *I* can't! I don't know how!” There it was! It wasn’t Billy I couldn’t trust about Outting us, it was myself! I’ve loved this boy for so long and so deeply…how could it possibly not show on my face every time I saw him? I’m an open book when it comes to Billy! I’m the one that can’t hide it!

“I'm trying to hold it in as much as I can, Billy...but I'm scared that I'm gonna do something that's gonna get us both figured out. Don't you get it? I'm....I'm crazy about you.” I pleaded with Billy to understand. We’d stopped walking by this point and he just seemed confused. But, when talking to me and my messed up, mixed up feelings who wouldn’t be?

Then, I saw those tears returning to my beloved’s eyes and my heart squeezed inside me. I was hurting him! I was hurting the one that I love! How could I do this to him? What was I doing and how could I stop it?

“So...you're....you're not ashamed of me?” Billy whimpered as the teardrops started to fall.

…how could he even think that! Ashamed of him? How could I ever be ashamed of the most beautiful boy in the world?

Then it came right down to it. Deep down I wasn’t ashamed of Billy, I was still ashamed of myself and what I was and the fact that I had let things get this deep. Despite all of Chandler’s pep-talks, I still felt like I was ‘wrong’. All my life’s teachings, especially growing up in the Church, had taught me that being Gay was a sin. I had been programmed almost since birth to feel that homosexuality was ‘gravely disordered’ as the Catechism calls it. Then, there was the constant fear of my Dad finding out about me. How far off the rails his son had gone. It would break his heart. I just know it would.

“Oh GOD, no, Billy! I'm just....ashamed of 'me'” I said, resisting the urge to take Billy up and hold him in my arms until his tears could stop. I could never be ashamed of my Billy. Frustrated, maybe. But ashamed? NEVER!

“You don't have anything to be ashamed about.” I told him and I could see the sad tension in his face relax as he let some of that pain I was causing him go.

“All this time I've been feeling...different. And I didn't WANT to be different. I didn't want to feel this way. I figured...my hormones were crazy, and I was just a little screwed up. I still had time to 'fix' it and after high school, everything would work itself out. It was just some stupid...'jack off' fantasy thing that would run its course and then just fade away when I got older.” I spoke my truth to Billy. I looked up at him and the feelings that came bubbling up were just too strong to contain any longer. I felt the tears form and turn my vision a little blurry as I looked at my Billy and his tears.

“But...it's not like that with you. I told myself that I was just being stupid, and I was weird, and that I didn't have a chance in hell anyway so why bother? But you just....you wouldn't let the feeling go away. It just kept getting worse and worse and now...it's not just a sex thing anymore. I actually....'love' you. I'm in love with you. And that means...I can't fix it. And it's not ever going away.” It was the truth. It never was gonna go away. How could it? It hadn’t in all this time since I first saw Billy. The love, it just kept getting stronger and stronger.

“Oh God....what am I gonna tell my Dad?” That same old thrill of fear ran down my spine. What on Earth would I tell him? How could he ever know the truth about me? The fact is, I can’t even think about that. He’ll disown me for sure! Being Gay is so out of his wheelhouse and he as such hopes for me.

“Billy, please don't be mad at me, ok?” I pleaded with him.

“I'm not mad...,” but I figured he was just saying that for my benefit. I was baring my soul to him, he could at least be honest about how I’d made him angry…and rightfully so!

“Yes, you are.” I insisted.

“No, I'm not.” he insisted.

“Yes, you ARE.” I really insisted.

Here we were arguing again.

But, we looked at one another and saw how silly this conversation had gotten and saw how red our eyes were and we giggled instead. We were at his house, finally, and I noticed his Mom or Dad must have been home already.

“You know...I could always...send my mom out to get us a pizza or something....if...you wanted to come in.” Billy offered and boy was I tempted, but, “Nah...it's ok. Maybe next time.”

Then, just because the urge had become too much for me to overcome, I reached over and kissed Billy on his soft cheek still a bit salty from his tears. My heart was so full of love for him at that moment that, just for a moment, I was able to abandon all my cares just so I could really let him know that what I feel for him is real!

“I'm sorry for skipping out on you, k?” I said and I was. Very! The fact that I voluntarily would miss spending as much time with Billy as possible now seems completely crazy to me.

“Awww Brandon, you've GOTTA come inside now!!!” Billy said, trying to cajole me by tugging at my arm. God I was so tempted, but…no. Not with his parents home. Not with the red in our eyes and blushes on our cheeks. They’d have to know there was something up with us.

“No, there will be a better time soon. Seriously, I've gotta get home.” I said and started to go, but I stopped and told Billy…“I love you, Billy Chase. I mean it. Ok?”

He nodded and we giggled a bit as, I suppose, because the butterflies were fluttering in both our tummies so much.

I promised him I’d definitely see him tomorrow to which he replied, half-jokingly, that I’d better.

No more games. No more keep-away. Billy means too much to me to ever see him hurt like that again.

This is Brandon Ever More Deeply In Love.