Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (3) - 6. Entry 6

Thursday

So at lunch today, Billy and I went to the lawn outside away from everybody so we could be together privately, just like I planned.

It was so nice to be alone with him without prying eyes around. I let myself go. I just watched his every expression and his every movement. Hehehehe, I even watched how he breathed! I just can’t get enough of him. He’s beautiful! The way the sunlight catches in that dark golden hair of his. The way his cheeks apple up when he smiles and makes those adorable dimples. How he blushes when he sees me looking at him.

When he’s not looking I let my eyes drift over his slim-soft body. He’s not too skinny and he’s not at all fat…he’s just right, you know? Just the right shape to hold and to love. I couldn’t see much of him that wasn’t covered up with his loose clothing, but I good see enough of his form that I knew he’d be delicious to taste. All up and down his own cute self! I’ll admit to getting so hard in my pants thinking about it. I even got eyes of just tackling him there on the lawn and laying on top of him grinding away and kissing those luscious pink lips that make me drool like they were made of gummy candies!

I controlled myself though. But, the magnetic pull of Billy’s beautiful eyes was very hard to resist today. I so wish we could get some time together alone! I mean alone alone…not just semi-alone like out on that lawn or in one of our houses when one of our parents are home.

There came a moment when I finally couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to say something or I’d burst from the intense longing I had in my heart for Billy. That longing that’s been with me for so long and was, finally, being satisfied because Billy was with me and he loves me just as much as I love him! I could see it in the misty look in his eyes and the way he had to keep looking away, but had to look back at me with that bashful smile on his lips.

“You are so beautiful...you know that?” I told him and he almost looked like he was going to fall over when I said it. It was so cute to see how weak I could get him just by saying something like that! The temptation was very strong to just let him fall over and then me lay with him and cuddle him like boyfriends and girlfriends do on that lawn all the time.

“Hehehe, I'm sorry. Am I being weird?” I ask thinking that, maybe, I was being too obvious this close to school and maybe embarrassing Billy. My self-confidence in all this still isn’t very good yet.

“NO! You're not being weird at ALL! You're being...awesome, as usual.” Billy said with a sigh and a big dimple-making smile.

“Cool. I thought about you a lot this morning. And it just, like...made me feel so...” it’s funny how, sometimes, it’s so hard to put into words how you feel about someone. Inside, it’s easy to think of how full of this giddy feeling you are and know exactly why the other person makes you feel that way, but it’s so hard to get out of your mouth! It’s like there aren’t enough words to even describe that feeling of sunshine coming from your insides that a person lights in you.

Billy is always on my mind, night and day, and, as you know if you’ve been reading my journal, Nameless Hacker, I’ve been obsessed with him since the beginning!

“Sometimes I really feel so 'goofy' over you, Billy. It can't be healthy to think about someone this much.” like I said, what’s inside…I don’t have better words to describe it. Not for what I feel for Billy. ‘Goofy’ certainly isn’t it, but…it’s what comes out.

But, I guess, as imperfect as how I was saying it was coming out of my stupid mouth, the message was being sent. What I said actually got Billy to cry!

“Dude, are you crying?” I asked as I heard Billy sniffle and try to hide his wonderful face.

“....no....” he said, which was so obviously not true that I started to laugh. His voice was so thick with emotion and he said that ‘no’ between sniffles, it was just the funniest thing! But, what made my laugh come out had more to do with the fact that my love-bubbles inside all exploded at once and I couldn’t contain the…joy! The joy that I, with my simple words, could make Billy feel so happy that he’d cry about it! His joy was my joy and my joy was his! That is how love works! That is what love is. Two people taking joy in the other’s being there! Being alive together and being with them anywhere is the best place to be!

But, then I remembered the business we had to do out there on the lawn. Some things that I needed to tell and get straightened out.

One was telling Billy and Bobby and me, the other was…

“So...did you tell Sam? About us, I mean?” I had been wondering this. I know how close those two are and if I was willing to Out myself to someone l barely know like Bobby, certainly Billy would tell Sam about him being gay. Then, that, naturally, would lead to a conversation about Billy and me. Though such a thing did make me feel nervous, this new feeling in me that I didn’t want to be in the closet anymore seemed to give me some courage in case Billy said ‘yes’ to my question. It would have to be ok that Sam knows. It would have to be ok if he told everyone else. I didn’t want to live a lie anymore…even if it got back to my Dad. My love for Billy had grown enough so that I’d be able to brave anything just so that I could be with him. We’d fight if we had to. We’d have to fight the Karls and Jasons at this school, but maybe it would be worth the bruises just to not have to live in fear all the days of our lives in High School! I want to yell to the sky that I love Billy and he loves me and I want to do it without worry or regret.

So, “It's ok if you did. I won't get upset. I just thought that..you know...after yesterday....” I tried to reassure Billy.

“Oh man, that was just crazy. I don't know where that came from. But no, I didn't tell him. I swear.” Billy said, like he was swearing on a stack of Bibles.

Then I come to it, one of the big reasons I asked Billy was because I wanted it to be ok to tell him that Bobby knows about me and if he knows about me then I wanted to know if it would be ok if he knew about Billy and me! Like I said before, I’d like more allies! People that know about us, that don’t mind, and might even defend us like Jimmy is defended by his posse of friends who are girls.

“You know...I was kinda thinking about telling somebody. But he's cool though, it's not like he'll freak out or anything. I just...I always feel like I wanna talk about you, and I can't ever really do it with anybody else.” I said, hoping that Billy might not mind if we brought Bobby into our confidence.

But, Billy’s whole attitude changed. The color, kind of, left his face and all those smiles and dimples vanished. He couldn’t look me in the eye, and I was certain that I’d scared him.

“Well...who were you gonna tell?” he asked me with a nervous quiver in his voice.

“Bobby.” I answered without beating around the bush.

“BOBBY??? Bobby Jinette? Why Bobby Jinette?” Billy almost shouted! I guess this was more of a shock to him than I thought it was going to be.

I tried to play it down with a giggle. Inside, I felt I’d just stepped in it.

“Well, he'd....um...'understand', if you know what I mean.” I tried to hint that it would be ok if Bobby knew. But, Billy looked really put out by this. He started fidgeting and staring at his shoes, breathing a bit hard. He looked scared. I had miscalculated though I wondered why this would affect him like it did.

“Don't look so worried. Bobby's gay, just like us. He'd be happy for us.” I said, trying to recover the situation.

Billy looked physically ill! Boy had I messed up! I always screw things up, I swear!

“Are you ok?” I asked him, wishing I could have taken back everything I’d just said about Bobby! Billy must be more in the closet than I am! He looked like he might throw up at any moment!

He could only get out, “I'm...I'm....”

“Billy, if you don't want Bobby to know you're gay, then I won't tell him.” I tried to reassure Billy so that he wouldn’t, like, pass out or whatever!

“Um...yeah....I don't know if I....want him to know. About me, that is. I just...I'm not ready for Bobby to know about me yet. K? I'm sorry.” He said, skewering me with a frightened look.

I’m an idiot!

“It's ok. It'll be our secret then. No biggie. I just thought that maybe you told Sam, and I thought...you know, it might be cool. I feel like I wanna scream out your name every second of the day, and Bobby is the only one who would listen.” I said, digging myself in deeper. My babbler had taken over and not my brain.

Then, Billy got this confused look on his face that broke the ‘afraid’ look.

“How did you know Bobby was gay?” he wanted to know.

So, I had to tell him about Bobby and me and that thing we talked about a long while ago. When we let each other know that we were both gay…

“He told me.” I answered simply.

“When?” Billy asked with suspicion in his voice and a concerned look.

“Wow, a long time ago. I think he was kinda 'interested' in me for a little while, but maybe it was just a crush. Anyway, he kept inviting me over to his house and stuff, and we had a good time, but I kinda had this huge crush on you instead, and I couldn't really get my mind off of you long enough to want anybody else. But we're still friends though. He told me, I told him...it was actually kinda funny, you know?” I confessed. Billy got that panicked look again. This was so stupid of me!

The flood gates open, I just continued to babble about the truth of what Bobby and I talked about, “You know, I shouldn't even be telling you this, but he has got a MAJOR crush on YOU! Hehehe! He always talked about how incredible you were, and he used to literally 'squirm' at the idea of just getting a kiss from you. I told him that my heart was sorta wrapped up in somebody, but I never said it was you. I think he would have flipped out if he thought we were after the same boy.”

“Heh heh...yeah....weird.” Billy said as he stared off into space.

We talked no more of it or much of anything after. I have managed to mess things up again, me and my big mouth!

How could I have been so stupid as to think that Billy would be alright about me talking about us to Bobby Jinette? So, Bobby and I talked about being gay and that I had a crush on another boy so I couldn’t like, be with Bobby then. Billy was my one and only then…just like he is now. Or…I hope he is now.

He might not be anymore.

I may have just scared him away!

I made Billy cry for joy today…now I’m crying too, but from sadness and anger at my own stupidity.

This is Brandon the Fool!