Behaving Responsibly - 2. Truth and Consequences

One Wednesday after school and football practice, Teddy and I hurried into the house. We were carrying a plastic tote from the drugstore, and we wanted to hide it before our dad got home from work at six PM.

The moment we entered the living room, we froze in our tracks, which was a fucking monumental mistake. To our shock and dismay, Dad was home from work earlier than usual.

As usual, the colonel was seated in his easy chair nursing a Jack Daniel’s on the rocks, smoking a cigarette, and reading his newspaper. He peered up suspiciously as we stood there with guilt written all over our faces like a couple of little kids caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

“Shit! We’re fucked,” I thought silently to myself. I didn’t dare look at Teddy for fear of breaking our unspoken resolve to give away nothing. I couldn’t swear either one of us was breathing at that point.

Our father's eyes traveled downward from our shocked faces to the Rite-Aid bag. After a moment, he slowly raised them to burn his gaze first into me as the oldest and the one most likely responsible for whatever shit we were hiding in the bag.

Then his eyes burned into Teddy, knowing that he would quickly cave. I didn’t need to look—I was positive my brother went as pale as I did. I never figured out how, but there could be no doubt that Dad knew exactly what we had in our hands. I quietly slipped the bag behind my back, even though I knew it would do no good to hide it.

Dad looked away and took a long, slow drink of his whiskey and a drag on his cigarette. Staring straight ahead without looking at us, he exhaled and spoke so quietly that we strained to hear his words. “I’m glad to see you boys are behaving responsibly.”

In the ensuing silence, time stood still until he turned back to us. “Now get washed up for dinner.”

We answered in unison, “Yes, sir,” and did a clumsy about-face.

We hauled ass to our room, shut the door, and fell on our beds in shock and horror. It only took a few seconds, though, for us to be rolling around and laughing our asses off.

Between sputtering and choking, Teddy managed to croak, “What the fuck? What the FUCKIN FUCK? He fuckin knows!”

I was barely able to speak for laughing so hard. “Yep. I’d say you nailed it, Teddy. He fucking knows, and he’s glad we—”

I couldn’t finish my sentence. The notion was so ridiculous and so perfect. Our father now knew we were having sex with our girlfriends, and he was pleased we were “behaving responsibly” by using rubbers!

That stark realization sobered me up instantly. Sitting up on the side of my bed, I stared across the tiny room at my brother in absolute confusion. “What the fuck just happened, Bro? Is he shitting us, setting us up for a royal ass-kicking or something?”

Shaking his head in disbelief, Teddy ventured, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

“Should we ask him?”

He snorted in derision, “You can if you want to, but fuckin leave me the hell out of it.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it. He saw us both with the bag, and if he looks in it, he’ll see there’s too many—”

I froze on the words for a split second and began to bellow with laughter again. “Maybe he’ll think they’re all for me, and he’ll be amazed at how much pussy I’m getting!”

Teddy frowned. “Fuck you. I’ll claim my half, thank you very much. I have as much need for them as you do—maybe more.”

“More? You always were the daring one, Bro. Is there anything you haven’t tried?” I thought briefly about Marty Bruner and wondered...

“You’d be fuckin surprised, Bobby, and I ain’t saying shit about my private affairs.”

“Affairs, plural? You mean there’s more to you than Sue Ann?” I tried to goad him into revealing more than he intended to.

“Like I said, private fuckin affairs. You’re too young to hear about ’em.”

We sat, chuckling now and then but saying nothing more, until Dad’s booming voice came up from the kitchen, “You boys’d better be washed up and down here in five minutes, or I’ll throw your dinner to the dogs.”

We didn’t have any dogs, but he got a hearty duet of “Yes, Sir!” as we scrambled to the bathroom.

No one said a word about the Rite-Aid bag or its contents throughout the meal—or much of anything else, for that matter.

We mainly ate in stifled silence, although Teddy and I responded in words of one syllable to all of Dad’s questions about our day, football practice, and the game coming up this Friday.

We were sure as shit not going to bring up the fucking elephant in the room, but our father’s reticence only magnified the cloud of impending doom hanging over us.

I've got to say that it was one of the most uncomfortable meals I've ever eaten. I don't remember what was for dinner that night, but I was damn lucky I could get it down without choking.

My brother and I took care of the dishes one by one, doing our damnedest to delay the inevitable confrontation with Dad for as long as possible. Someone rang the doorbell, and Dad answered it. We heard him return to his seat in the living room without explanation.

When we finally ran out of bullshit reasons to put it off, we joined him in the living room, remaining as silent as condemned prisoners awaiting sentencing.

Dad sat in his chair, Jack Daniel’s at the ready and his cigarette sending a thin plume of smoke up into the air.

He held the TV remote in his hand, and we weren’t dumb enough to hope that a typical night of comedies and game shows was about to begin. At least that’s what it appeared to be, but on closer examination, I realized he was holding the control for our brand-new Sony VCR player.

I wondered, “What the fuck?” to myself but sat down and kept my goddamn mouth shut. Teddy mirrored my action, and we sat waiting for the inevitable axe to fall.

Dad cleared his throat. He stared at Teddy wordlessly for five seconds before locking his eyes on mine.

As the older brother, I often received the brunt of his displeasure, on the assumption that I was the one leading into temptation. In this particular case, my brother and I were equally guilty, but I didn’t dare entertain the hope that Dad would take that fact into consideration.

He cleared his throat and addressed us both. “I realize we’re an oddball family without your mother, boys.”

He stopped for a moment and gazed off into the distance. I guessed it was still difficult for him to talk about Mom without choking up a little. I'd felt the same way more times than I’d care to admit.

He swallowed hard and declared, “Actually, though, this is something I’m positive she would have left to me.”

I shuddered in anticipation of what I was damn sure was coming next.

His face hardened to stone and his eyes pierced us to the core. As a commander of men, Dad was an expert at showing abso-fucking-lutely zero emotion when he wanted to, and it always made my asshole clench. This was definitely going to be one of those times.

Dad’s first words were directed to me, and I didn’t dare object. “Bobby, you’re eighteen and about to graduate. After that, boot camp, unless you’ve decided to give college a try, which I still recommend—” He looked at me hopefully for some sign, but I was too apprehensive to say or do anything.

He nodded once and continued, “Which means you’ll be a man on your own, out in the world, very soon, and you can do whatever the hell you want. And I imagine you will.”

Dad left the accusation suspended in midair between us, as he turned his Tower of Doom glower on his other captive listener.

“Teddy, yours is a different story. You’ll still be living under my roof for a whole year after your brother is off on his own.”

For effect, he let his words sink in for a moment. “I’m well aware of how close you two are. In fact, I doubt there’s anything Bobby does that you wouldn’t be next in line for. Am I right?”

To his credit, Teddy knew when to keep his goddamn trap shut. Fortunately, Dad's question was rhetorical.

With a glance to ensure my continued silence, the colonel returned his focus to my brother.

“But Teddy, blindly following Bobby’s every move, and I might add his every fuck-up, you’re not doing yourself any favors. Do you know what I mean?”

It was one of those dreaded questions that absolutely required a verbal answer. Teddy punted by nodding his head vigorously, but our father had never been deterred by that shit-for-brains maneuver.

Dad’s voice was icy. “I said, do you know what I mean?”

Teddy lowered his chin with a pained gulp and murmured, “Yes, Sir.”

With an expression of triumph, the colonel went in for the coup de grâce, “What do I mean?”

Cornered, Teddy was left with no alternative but to try to bullshit Dad. “Uh, you mean, I don’t have to do everything Bobby does.”

Dad pursued his prey relentlessly. “That’s a start. Now, why?”

I thought to myself, “Oh fuck, here it comes.”

“Um, well, because I’m younger, and some of the things he does I’m not mature enough to do.”

Dad went in for the kill. “Not mature enough? Does that sound as fucking ridiculous to you as it does to me?” The colonel’s voice was cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

I can only imagine what the men under my father’s command must feel like undergoing this kind of interrogation. They probably would have shit their pants by now.

Fortunately, Teddy and I grew up with this routine and were well-schooled at parrying our dad’s verbal assaults. However, that only meant we could hold out a couple of minutes longer.

Teddy mumbled contritely, “I guess so. I mean, yes, Sir.” Playing the innocent lamb was one of our many strategies, but it rarely did more than buy us a little time to figure out what the fuck he expected us to say.

Dad’s voice softened, which was his way of getting us on opposite sides. “I mean, Teddy, that you’re your own man, too, even while you’re still living at home for another year. You don’t have to mimic your brother’s half-assed fuck-ups.”

“Yeah, you get to commit all your own half-assed fuck-ups,” I smirked, keeping my smart-ass opinion to myself.

Dad turned and glared at me as though he knew exactly what I was thinking. “Shit! How the fuck does he do that?” I quickly lowered my eyes in submission.

To my everlasting surprise, my baby brother grew a pair. “But Dad, I do make my own decisions. If they’re the same as Bobby’s, it’s because we’re brothers and we think alike.” He took a breath. “Anyway, a lot of times it’s Bobby who’s copying my half-assed fuck-ups.”

I swear Dad tried his best not to laugh, but he only succeeded for thirty seconds. “Goddamn it, Teddy,” he roared with laughter, “sometimes you say the dumbest shit.”

Daring to join in Dad’s jollity, my bro nodded. “That’s true, Dad, but I get as much of my shit from you as I do from Bobby.”

The colonel froze for a moment, and I thought Teddy had blown it, but Dad shook his head as he laughed more heartily. Turning to me, he said, “He’s got your number, Sonny-boy,” which gave me permission to share in the laughing.

Our hilarity cooled, and Dad sighed and grew serious once again. “Boys, you realize I’ve gotta say something about what was in the Rite-Aid Pharmacy bag.”

He gave us a stern look designed to curtail any bullshit answer we might be thinking about giving.

“And it wasn’t goddamn shaving cream, was it?”

Two dejected voices said in unison, “No, Sir.”

He leaned back in his chair and picked up the remote. He clicked the device on and turned to survey us.

I couldn’t for the life of me imagine what could possibly be on the VCR that had anything to do with the deep shit we were in. Dad soon dispensed with my wonderment.

“So, rather than me reading you the goddamn riot act or trying to tell you about the birds and the bees, you’re going to sit there and shut the hell up, and watch. And not a sound from either one of you until it’s over.”

We nodded in obedient silence, not even daring to say, “Yes, Sir.”

Dad pressed PLAY on the remote and the TV sprang to life. The opening title nailed us in our seats, and I felt the bottom of my stomach fall out.

We sat at horrified attention for the next twenty minutes while the Air Force training video on venereal disease and pregnancy prevention played in our living room. The images were graphic and detailed, which I’m sure achieved the desired effect on young airmen.

It sure as shit worked on us.

When the videotape ended, Dad hit Rewind but remained staring straight ahead at the TV. When the machine stopped, he intoned, “Any questions, gentlemen?”

Two husky voices croaked, “No, Sir!”

“Dismissed.”

Teddy and I jumped to our feet. The temptation to salute him was overpowering, but we knew he might see it as mocking, even though it wouldn’t have been, so we spun around and headed for the stairs to our bedroom.

“One more thing.” Dad’s words froze us in our tracks. We slowly turned toward him, and he spoke, still without facing us. “I expect to meet both of these young ladies, so you will invite them to dinner on Sunday.”

Stunned speechless, we gaped at each other for a second. Knowing there was no escape, we chorused, “Yes, Sir” dejectedly, to which Dad responded, “Good night.”

********

Teddy and I wracked our brains for two days, trying to think of some excuse not to invite Angie and Sue Ann for Sunday dinner, but we couldn’t think of anything short of hospitalization or mayhem.

I told my pal, Brian, what had happened, and he laughed his ass off.

“You mean your Dad didn’t realize you and Angie were fucking? Shit, man, you’re eighteen years old. What the fuck does he think you do to meet your needs—jack off all the time?”

With a laugh, I said, “I think he probably avoids thinking about it at all. What did your parents do?”

“They went over the ‘birds and bees’ talk with me a couple of years ago, and they ended it by saying they expected me to be careful, and I could come to them any time I had a question, but they didn’t want to know what I’m up to.”

He laughed, “I kind of think they knew I wasn’t gonna tell them anyway!”

“Shit, I hope my Dad feels the same way after he meets Angie and Sue Ann.”

********

On Friday night after the game, we drove our girlfriends to MegaBurger, our favorite fast-food joint. Our task and purpose was to convince them to come and face our dad with us.

Teddy and Sue Ann were in the front seat, and Angie was cuddled up against me in the back one.

“What? No Grayson’s tonight?” Angie teased. “You boys getting tired of us, or are we wearing you out?”

In the harsh neon light from the MegaBurger sign, Teddy and I blushed.

“Uh-oh,” Sue Ann declared. “Something’s wrong.” Turning to Angie, she deadpanned, “Our boyfriends have got a secret, and they’re afraid to tell us what it is.”

My girlfriend played along. “Must be a big deal, for them to have the shit scared out of them like this.” Facing me with a knitted brow, she sternly insisted, “Out with it, or you can take us home right now.”

To buy time to think my way out of the deep shit my brother and I were in, I lowered my chin and scratched the top of my head. Teddy peered out the car window.

Our silence prompted Angie to try a different tack. Cuddling up closer to me, she softly took my arm in both hands and leaned in close to my face. The smell of her perfume and the heat of her body started getting me hard. I knew I was in trouble.

With a voice dripping with sympathy, she inquired, “Did somebody die, Bobby?”

She startled me so much that I nearly jumped out of the goddamn seat. “Fuck, no. It’s nothing like that. It’s—”

“Our dad caught us buying rubbers,” my goddamn dumbass brother blurted out without a moment’s hesitation. Teddy was never one to sugar-coat anything. I could’ve kicked his sorry ass.

Angie quickly sat back, putting distance between us. The silence became frostier by the second as all four of us stared straight ahead.

Finally, Sue Ann spoke up. “Which means...what?”

“What the fuck do you think?” Teddy growled. “He fuckin knows we’re having sex is what.”

Sue Ann laughed out loud. “Did that surprise him or something? Surely he realizes you’re old enough.”

“And horny enough,” Angie giggled. “What did he think you were doing, jacking off to dirty magazines?”

Teddy and I exchanged glances, unable to come up with anything constructive to say.

Sue Ann’s eyes widened as she realized the implication. “Angie...I think it means their dad also knows WHO they’re having sex with.”

“Oh shit. Is that true, Bobby?”

Dejected, I nodded. “Pretty much.”

“Shit! Shit! SHIT!” Angie exploded.

“How the hell did he catch you? Were you trying them on or something?” Sue Ann’s face made it clear she was not making a joke.

“Hell, no—” I struggled to think of the least damaging way to answer. “He, uh, saw us coming home from Rite-Aid with the shopping bag and he...I guess, kinda figured it out.”

Angie was mad as a raging bull, or whatever the female equivalent was. “So you two dumbasses just waltzed into the house with your dad right there, holding a goddamn bag of condoms and surprise, surprise, he fucking noticed.”

Teddy whined. “He wasn’t supposed to be home. He never comes home from work that early.”

Angie’s whole face contracted into a fearsome frown. “So what happened? Did he get fired or something?”

I shook my head. “No. He got all his work done and took off a little early.”

“He can do it because he’s the fuckin commander!” Teddy joined in my defense of Dad.

Our steady girlfriends sat in icy silence for a minute or two. Without another word, Angie reached across me and opened the car door. “Get out.”

“What the fuck? Are you making me walk home?”

“It’s your car, you damn idiot. Get in the front. Sue Ann, come back here and sit with me.”

We both did as we were told. The atmosphere inside the vehicle was colder than a polar bear’s nuts when he sits on an iceberg. The four of us sat without speaking for what seemed like forever.

Relenting at last, Sue Ann tried to lift the mood. “Come on, Angie, it’s not like they walked up to their dad and announced they were having sex with us. He kind of ambushed them.”

Angie pondered the idea for a while before challenging Teddy and me, “Do you think that’s what happened? Was he waiting to catch you two doing whatever you do when he’s not home from work?”

We both turned toward the back seat in a hurry.

“No fuckin way!” Teddy insisted.

I protested, “Our dad doesn’t pull shit like that. If he wants to know something, he fucking asks us, right out.”

“And I suppose you fucking tell him right out, too?” Angie was part-asking and part-accusing.

I became indignant at her suggestion, so I spoke evenly, “We don’t keep secrets in our family. We trust each other.”

Sue Ann did her best to lower the temperature of the conversation. “What did he do when he found out?”

I burst out laughing, and Teddy joined in immediately. The girls stared at us as if we had gone insane. Catching my breath, I explained, “He said he was glad we were behaving responsibly.”

After a moment of stunned silence, our girlfriends joined in our laughter.

“Get your dumb ass back here with me,” Angie ordered, so Sue Ann and I repeated the Chinese Fire Drill.

Settled into our proper seats in the Bel Air, I pulled Angie into my arms. I was confident I could get away with a hug, but I wasn’t going to try for a kiss yet.

Once again, Sue Ann proved to be the one with her head on her shoulders. “So let me see if I’ve got this right. Your dad knows you buy rubbers—”

“By the fuckin case!” Teddy shouted, and we all fell apart again.

“By the case. OK, we get it,” Sue Ann tried to restore order, “and he knows you’ve been dating us for some time now.”

“Which is why you’re invited to Sunday dinner at our house,” I interjected in a steady, calm voice, as though it were an insignificant detail. There were ten seconds of stunned silence.

“Oh! My! God!” Angie shrieked. “He knows you’re having sex with us and he wants to meet us. What kind of kinky shit is this?”

“Whoa, there, Babe,” I raised my voice. I didn’t want to make things worse, but I couldn’t let her get away with bullshit like that. “I don’t know where that fucked-up idea came from, but you’ve got it all wrong.”

Teddy joined in, as indignant as me. “Dad doesn’t have a problem with us...doing it, as long as we...you know, take precautions. He just wants to meet the two girls we’re in love with.”

“Who said anything about love?” Angie was petulant now. “I haven’t ever heard either one of you use that word.”

Teddy backed down. “Well, maybe not love, but going steady for sure.”

It was high time for me to try to rescue the whole fucked-up evening.

“Our dad commands two hundred Marines who are all old enough to have as much sex as they can get. He’s not naïve about it—he knows what they do, and he knows Teddy and I are also old enough to be doing it, too, or at least it makes sense for him to think we might be.”

Teddy joined in, “He didn’t seem surprised or pissed off, or anything.”

I added, “And he gave us credit for using rubbers.”

“Behaving responsibly,” Sue Ann corrected, hinting that she was on our side now.

I agreed. “Right. So all he wants now is to meet you both, to kind of, I don’t know, see who we’re—”

“Fucking!” Angie butted in.

“Dating! I was gonna say dating.”

The four of us sat in silence for a while, letting things simmer down and collectively wondering what the hell Sunday dinner was going to be like. My head spun with incoherent ideas, none of which made me feel any better about it.

“I think it’s sweet of him to want to meet us,” Sue Ann stated, trying to put a positive spin on the discussion.

“Well, I don’t believe I can sit at the table with him, thinking about how he knows all about my sex life.” Angie was still pissed off at the whole situation.

That was too much for me. “Goddammit, Angie, chill for fuck’s sake. Our dad is an officer and a gentleman. He’s not gonna cross-examine you or demand the details of our sex life. He’s not like that.”

I took a deep breath to calm myself down. “What I think he’s going to do, is give his approval, if not his blessing, to our relationships. He loves his sons, and I think he wants to feel the same way about the people who mean a lot to us. Can’t you fucking give him a chance? I bet you’ll like him.”

Angie gave me a wide smile and a kiss on the cheek, which surprised the shit out of me. “Yes, I can definitely give him a chance, and I was only testing you, Bobby. I wasn’t sure you could be loyal to your father and also to me, but you did fine. Now come here.”

We weren’t at Grayson’s Drive-in, so we didn’t go all the way, but the make-out sessions in the front and back seats of the Chevy were as hot and heavy as possible under the circumstances.

The next night in the back row at the drive-in movie that nobody watched, things returned to normal for the four of us. And yes, Teddy and I behaved very responsibly!

As we drove home after dropping Angie and Sue Ann off, Teddy asked me. “What do you think Dad’s gonna do?”

I shook my head. “Fuck if I know, but I’m sticking with what I told the girls. He just wants to meet them. I guess it means he knows we’re having sex and—”

“And he showed us that goddamn sicko movie about VD!”

“Right, so he’s doing the best thing he can think of to help us—”

“Fucking behave responsibly!” Teddy completed my thought roaring with laughter, and I joined in.

“Yeah, something like that.” I paused, becoming solemn. “I think it’s at times like this that he misses Mom the most.” I felt my throat tightening up and a tear forming in one eye.

Teddy turned away, gazed out the side window, and sniffled. We drove in silence for a few minutes, each lost in memories of our mother.

I cleared my throat. “You know, we’ve gotta help him get through this.”

“How?”

“Oh, I guess by not fucking up so often.”

“Good luck with that.”

I chuckled. “Well, I mean we’ve gotta stop and think about how the shit we do might affect Dad. He’s trying his best to raise the two of us without Mom’s help or advice. We need to think about that, fucking man-up, and try to be the sons she’d want us to be."

After a long pause, Teddy replied with a strained voice, “Yeah. What you said.” He groaned softly and whispered, “Fuck.”

I reached over and put a hand on his shoulder, "Brothers?"

He turned his face to me. His cheeks were wet as he nodded. “Brothers.”

********

Brian came over on Sunday afternoon, and we were sitting on the side of my bed, shooting the shit. Teddy was downstairs with textbooks open all over the kitchen table, studying for some goddamn exam or paper he needed to write.

I always told Brian pretty much everything that happened in my life, so I told him about our conversation with our girlfriends. He cuffed me on the shoulder and grinned at me.

“You see? I knew they’d be cool with it.”

“How the fuck could you know that? My dad’s a real hard-ass. Who knows what he’s gonna say to them?”

“That’s with his Marines, and it’s probably the only thing that works with those peckerheads—I mean Jarheads! Besides, you two a-holes are different. To start with, you tell him everything—”

“We didn’t mention the rubbers until he caught us with them.”

“And that probably taught you a lesson—always tell him shit, whether you think he’s gonna get pissed about it or whatever.”

“I guess.”

“And he didn’t chew your asses out.”

“No. He shocked the shit out of both of us.”

“He told you to behave responsibly.” He chuckled at the phrase.

“No, he said he was glad to see we were behaving responsibly.”

“Which means he didn’t tell you to fucking stop what you’re doin’.”

“Uh, no. I guess not.” A tiny glimmer of hope opened up before me.

Brian tried to tie it all together for me and cheer me up. “Let me get this straight. One, he knows you’re having sex.”

I swallowed hard. “Yeah. He fucking knows.”

“Two, he knows you’re using protection.”

“He saw the goddamn evidence of that.”

“Three, he made you watch a fuckin movie about VD?”

“That was disgusting as shit.”

“And four, he wants to meet the girl you’re fucking.”

“Can you please say ‘dating’ or something?’

Brian snickered. “Fine. He wants to meet the girl you’re dating.”

“Yes, he wants to fucking meet her, but I’m not even sure she’s gonna come to dinner.”

“Well, there you have it.”

“I don’t have a goddamn thing.”

He laughed and shook his head. “You’re so fuckin dense sometimes, Bobby. Let me spell it out.”

He put a hand on my shoulder. “Your dad realizes that what you and Teddy are doing is normal. He knows he can’t stop you, and he probably did the same thing when he was your age.”

I shook my head. “I don’t wanna go there.”

“I don’t blame you, but don’t you see—he wants to know who your girl is, and he’s giving you permission to keep having sex as long as you take precautions, which you accidentally already showed him you’re doing.”

“Fuck! I guess you’re right. Goddamn, I never thought about it that way.”

He gave me a teasing grin. “So, now that you have blanket permission to fuck girls, are you gonna widen your horizons? I know three or four who’d jump into your bed at the drop of a hat—or of a pair of panties!”

“Fuck that. I’m with Angie, and that’s a solid.”

“So when’s the wedding day?”

“Fuck you. We’re not ready for that shit yet. I’m joining the Air Force, and she’s going to college. We’ll work something out, and maybe—just maybe—we’ll still be together in four years.”

“And who you gonna fuck in the meantime?”

“Shit, Brian. Cut it out, goddammit—I don’t wanna think about all that.”

“The term 'blissful ignorance' comes to mind.”

“I’ll give you some blissful ignorance, asshole!” I laughed as I wrestled him to the floor.