Behaving Responsibly - 4. Graduation and Growing Up

Teddy and I were about to climb into our beds when a quiet knock came on the bedroom door. Dad opened it and stuck his head in. “Sorry to bust in, boys. Bobby, do you have a minute? I’ll be downstairs.”

He closed the door, and I heard him going down the steps. I was stunned and speechless for a moment. Teddy looked over at me and crowed, “Didn't you fucking hear Dad? Get your sorry ass down there.”

I was only wearing my boxers, so I tugged on jeans and a tee shirt, then slipped on sandals. As I left the room, I turned to my brother with raised eyebrows, but he smirked in reply, “Good luck, Bro. Fuckin better you than me.”

Dad wasn’t in the living room or the kitchen. When I looked through the sliding glass doors, I saw him seated on the patio with a beer and a cigarette. I came out and took the chair across from him. To my surprise, he had a second can of beer, which he slid over to me without saying a word.

We sipped our beers in silence until Dad spoke. “You and Angie have a nice weekend?”

His question fucking shocked the shit out of me because I thought we had an unspoken agreement never to discuss my sex life. I hadn’t a clue how to answer, so I only nodded.

Dad took a long drag on his cigarette and blew the smoke into the air. “I probably should’ve had this conversation with you before I left you two alone for the weekend, but it’s too late for that now.”

“I’m glad you trusted me, and the time alone together was really good for us.”

“You two becoming...serious?”

Dammit. One of those fucking questions that had to be answered sans bullshit. “Yeah...I guess.”

As expected, Dad persisted. “Don’t you know?”

He sounded annoyed, so I added, “Yes, Sir. I’d say we’re serious.”

“How serious?”

I had no idea where he was taking the conversation, which put me on the defensive. “Shit, Dad, I don’t know. What the hell does ‘serious’ mean anyway?”

“Sorry, Son. I’m not making myself clear. This is another one of those goddamn conversations that I’d need your mother for.” He sipped his beer and lit another smoke.

He straightened and looked at me with a mixture of sadness and hope. “I’m thinking about things that’re more or less permanent, like getting married and having babies.”

I was at a total loss for words. We’d never had a conversation about this before, and while it impressed the shit out of me that he was talking to me this way, I had no fucking idea what to say.

Dad understood and came to my rescue. “Look, Bobby, I realize we don’t usually...or ever...talk about these things, but it hit me over the weekend that you’re going to be on your own soon, and you seem to be serious about Angie, so I’d like to offer you some advice or answer any questions you may have.”

This was our first honest man-to-man discussion, so I leaned in with my elbows on the table and rested my chin on my fists. “OK, Dad. Shoot.”

He easily parried my attempt to deflect the conversation away from me. “Why don’t you go first?”

I took a long drink of my beer to give myself time to organize my thoughts. “I’m in love with Angie, and it’s not just the sex. She’s the first girl I’ve felt this way about, and you probably think we’re too young to be in love, but goddammit that’s what this is.”

He snorted in response. I had no idea what that meant.

I looked up at him to try to gauge what he thought, but he was impassive. “But everything is all fucked up between us right now.”

I shifted in my chair, surprised at what we were discussing and how uncomfortable it made me. “I mean, I’m leaving for Basic Training in Texas in two weeks. And in the fall, she’s going to college in Chicago, so it looks like there isn’t a fucking snowball’s chance in hell for us to stay together.”

He nodded thoughtfully but only said, “I’m glad you see it so clearly.”

Now, I was pissed off. Did Dad want to talk man-to-man, or did he want to tell me what the fuck to do?

I decided to change the focus onto him and see how he liked it. “How old were you and Mom when you decided to get married?”

Dad smiled at the memory. “I was twenty, and your Mom was eighteen. I met her down in Texas when I was at Lackland, where you’re headed. Her father—your grandfather—was my drill sergeant.”

“Aren’t they called Training Instructors now?” In my mind, I tried to remember the man who was shot down over North Korea when I was in third grade.

“Correct, but back then, we were part of the Army Air Corps. And for your information, it was love at first sight.”

I tried to make my next question sound casual. “And if you don’t mind me asking, when did you two first...have sex?”

Dad frowned and knitted his brow, and I sensed I had taken the conversation farther than he anticipated. He sighed. “You’re old enough, so I suppose I don’t mind.” He took a swig of his beer. “It happened about a month after our first date.”

Turning the tables on me, he demanded, “What about you and Angie?”

Blushing, I answered, “The same—a month after we started seeing each other. We’ve been in the same class since the seventh grade, but all this is recent.”

Dad downed his beer, got up, and went into the kitchen. He came back with two more cans.

He cleared his throat. “Son, I’m aware I don’t need to tell you anything about sex, but I think I can say a thing or two about love.”

I nodded with trepidation, not sure I wanted to hear what was coming.

“Your mother and I figured out we were meant for each other the moment we were introduced. Sometimes it happens like that. Her parents didn’t see us that way, so they made it clear to me that I’d have to take my time and convince them our love was for real, and not a passing fling.”

He took a long drag on his cigarette, followed by a swallow of the beer. “We understood, so we took things slow. We did everything a proper couple is supposed to do—or at least what was expected in those days.”

The memory made him smile again. “We went to family picnics and base dances, shared Christmas and other holidays with both our families, and let everybody become comfortable with the idea that we were going to be married—someday.”

“Was it hard to take it slow like that?”

“Goddamn right. It almost did us in. I was based at Lackland, but it was 1944, and the war wasn’t over yet. I was sent off to other places for a month or more. Her parents never let her visit me, so the only time we had together was the odd weekend when I scored a three-day pass and could fly in. At least the flight was free back then.”

“That must have sucked.”

“It did, but it made us realize that we could be ‘together’ even when we weren’t in the same town or state. Our time of enforced separation only made our love stronger.”

I gathered my thoughts. “So, you’re telling me that if Angie and I can survive ‘enforced separation’ for a few years, we’ll be sure it’s really love.”

“That, and one more thing. You two need to fuck your brains out whenever you can manage some time together.” He grinned and winked at me.

I burst out laughing. This was one hell of a man-to-man conversation!

I grew somber. “And what if we can’t? Make it work, I mean.”

Dad shrugged. “Then you’ll have had a great time, but not love.”

It took me a while to think that through. I asked, “Was Mom the first girl you ever...you know?”

He smiled slightly as he remembered and shook his head. “No, Son.” He followed with a nod. “But I was her first—and only.“

His voice cracked on those last words, and he bowed his head so I wouldn’t see him blink away his tears. That set me off, too, and the two of us sat in silence, each mourning our loss but unable to express it in words.

Dad cleared his throat. “That’s all I wanted to tell you, Bobby. I’m no expert on relationships, and I’m damn well not a fountain of brilliant advice like your mother. Do you have any more questions for me?”

“No, Sir. Thank you.” I caught his eye. “And you did fine, Dad.”

“Good night, Son. Better hit the hay now.”

“Good night, Dad.”

I returned to my bedroom and climbed into my little bunk. Teddy was snoring softly, and I was glad I didn’t have to answer any dumbass questions about my talk with Dad. It took me a couple of hours to fall asleep.

********

Graduation Day was fucking amazing! Angie and I were seated together in the front row of the brand-new auditorium, while Teddy joined his classmates a few rows back, scoping out what it was going to look like for them in a year. Dad was on the dais in his full Bird-Colonel ceremonial uniform because he was the keynote speaker.

The school band played the national anthem, and we all recited the Pledge of Allegiance. A local minister said a long prayer about God watching over their children and guarding them from sin as they stepped out into the grown-up world. I wondered if he had any idea how many of us already had sex—and how many of the girls might be pregnant at this very moment!

Finally, Dad’s turn came to speak. “I am proud of my oldest son today,” he began, “but equally proud of all of you who are graduating. You are entering into a world at war, a time of turmoil, the aftermath of an assassination, and the intensification of dangerous conflict between the major powers.”

Dad looked at Angie and me for a moment before going on, “It is my hope and prayer that you never have to experience the horrors of combat, but if you do, I can say without a doubt that you’ll make your parents, your teachers, and your nation proud of you.”

He ended with, “No matter where you go or what you do, remember this one thing: family. Family is the root and foundation of who you are and what you have the potential to become. Family is your refuge from worry, disappointment, and shame. Family comes first, especially when you have families of your own.”

Later, over a celebratory lunch at the Hilton, Dad was uncharacteristically silent. Angie, Sue Ann, Teddy, and I carried on a respectful muted conversation around him. I struggled to rein in my exuberance, but I sensed that today was a solemn moment for my father.

At one point, Dad excused himself to use the restroom, and Sue Ann leaned in to ask, “Is something wrong? Why is your father so quiet?”

Taking a deep breath to try to gain control of my own emotions, I explained, “Events like this remind him our mom is gone. He’s happy, but he’s sad, too. It hurts like hell to watch him go through this.”

“Do you think he’ll ever remarry?” Angie inquired with sincere concern in her voice.

“Who knows? Some day, when Teddy and I are out of the house, he might decide to fill the empty space in his life with a new love. Hell, I hope he does, but it’s not gonna happen soon. OK?”

The other three nodded as Dad returned to his place at the table, and we resumed our light-hearted banter.

Back at the house, we were all seated around the picnic table on the patio. Dad reached beneath his chair for something he had hidden: a bottle of champagne and five glasses.

My eyes popped out. This was so unlike our Dad!

“I realize you’re all still under age, but a celebration isn’t complete without this.” Giving Angie and Sue Ann an encouraging smile, he added, “I’ve spoken with your parents and they’re OK with you having a glass.”

He stood and poured the bubbly beverage. Handing the glasses around, he addressed us solemnly. “I meant every word I said at the graduation today.”

Turning to me, he beamed, “I’m proud of you, Bobby, and I was honored to be asked to speak on your special day.”

To Teddy, he said, “It’ll be your turn next year, Son, and I promise I’ll be just as proud, and we’ll throw just as big a celebration in your honor.”

Clearing his throat, he went on. “On occasions such as this, I miss your mother the most. Without a doubt, she’d be even prouder of you than I am, if that’s possible, and I would be so grateful to her for giving me these two wonderful sons.”

He choked up a bit. “So let’s all drink a toast—to Bobby and Angie, to the graduating class, to the families of all of them, and—to Marie, the love of my life.”

We all raised our glasses, but we weren’t able to do much more than sip the wine. A solemn quiet descended on the table.

The silence was finally broken by Teddy noisily getting to his feet and clearing his throat. “This is Bobby’s day, but I think it’s all right for his baby brother to say a word or two.”

I groaned, “Uh-oh. Here comes the bullshit.” Everyone chuckled.

Holding up his glass to me, he said, “I think you’re too old to be called Bobby any more, so—Bob—I just wanted to tell you one thing. You’ve been a real pain in the ass my whole life!” We all roared with laughter. He waited for us to settle down before continuing his speech.

“Not really, Bro. You’re only a pain in the ass part of the time. (More laughter.) Seriously though, I can’t claim I’ve learned a hell of a lot in seventeen years, but my short life has taught me this—.”

He locked eyes with me. “If you can find someone who’s got your back on and off the football field, who gives a shit what happens to you, who knocks some sense into you when you fuck up, and who sticks up for you come what may, then you’re one goddamn lucky sonofabitch.”

Raising his glass high, he grinned, “So here’s to my bro, my teammate, my best friend, Bob.” With a quick glance at our dad, he blew a kiss to Sue Ann and added, “And here’s to behaving responsibly!”

********

I couldn’t fucking believe it, but Angie’s parents let her go away with me for a five-day vacation at a beach in North Carolina’s Outer Banks. I think her mom told her dad it was a group thing for the graduating class. It’s true that a bunch of our friends went, too, but we spent most of our time alone, just the two of us.

It felt strange—like we were two adults who were free to go wherever we wanted and do whatever we wanted.

We drank, partied, stayed up all night, skinny-dipped in the pool at four in the morning, and of course had tons of sex—we were always using rubbers, now that the consequences of pregnancy were clear to us.

We took long, silent walks at sunset, holding hands, lost in thought, but quietly being together. I realize two eighteen-year-old kids don’t know shit about love, but we were convinced this was the real thing.

Or at least I was.

My father’s words kept coming back to me. Was it going to be possible for Angie and me to stay in love while pursuing our lives separately? I had no answer to the question, but I hoped we would fucking figure it out somehow.

The night before we went home, the crowd was sitting around a bonfire, drinking beer and vodka. A few were smoking cigarettes and one or two were smoking pot.

An overwhelming sense of total freedom carried us all off to a made-up world where everything went our way, we could do no wrong, and nothing bad would ever happen to us. We all realized it was a bullshit fantasy, but we couldn’t admit it to ourselves.

Every so often, a couple would disappear into the darkness of the nearby dunes. They’d return half an hour later with a special glow on their faces. It was obvious what they’d been up to, and everybody took it for granted that anyone could go off and do it, whenever they wanted.

Angie and I were lying stretched out on our towels, arms and legs entwined, kissing and nuzzling. I wore a loose pair of board shorts with nothing underneath, and she was in a bikini. We knew each other’s bodies as well as we knew our own.

I had a hard-on and rubbed it against her crotch through the thin layers of cloth that separated us. I was turned on by the idea that, when we returned to our room and shed the garments, our naked bodies would join in the most intimate way.

Two of our friends walked past us holding hands. They were heading for the privacy of the dunes, carrying a beach blanket.

Angie whispered, “Didn’t Mary go off with Pete a little while ago?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“So what the hell is she doing going off with Mickey now?” I looked up and caught a glimpse of the couple who were disappearing into the shadows.

“I guess she likes more than one guy.”

“Or she likes all guys, and they like that.”

“Maybe they do. What’s wrong with that? They’re of age.”

“Age is one thing. Promiscuity is something else entirely.”

I chuckled. “So who’s the old prude tonight? You got a problem with other people having sex when and how they want to? Isn’t that what we’ve been doing since we got here?”

We both sat up, and she cuffed my arm. “It’s different for us. We do it with each other and nobody else. She’s making her way through all the guys, or at least most of them.”

“Well, that doesn’t include me.”

“It better not.” Then, considering the tone she had used, she corrected, “I mean, I’m glad it doesn’t include you. I love you.”

“And I love you, Babe, so what other people do doesn’t mean shit to us.”

For some reason I’ll never understand, Angie became dead serious. She demanded, “Have you ever done it with anybody else?”

I couldn’t decide whether to be offended or scared shitless. Where was this going?

“Hell, no, Babe. I swear I was a goddamn virgin when you and I did it the first time, and I’ve never strayed. You’re the woman I love—and you’re more than enough for me.”

We lay back down, and neither spoke for a long time. Then, it hit me like a blast of Arctic air. “Wait a minute. Have you done it with some other guy...or guys?”

She sighed and looked up into the night sky. “I haven’t done it with anyone else since that night in the park—the first time we did it.”

I turned my head to face her. My voice was uncertain. “So...you mean you had done it before me?”

“What is this? True confessions time?” She stood up. “Let’s go for a walk. We need to talk.”

I was so fucking confused. I got to my feet and followed her to the shoreline like a prisoner led to the gallows. We walked in silence, and the waves surging in and out pulsed with the rhythm of nature’s heartbeat.

My own heart was pounding in my chest. What the fuck was going on? Was there something Angie wanted or needed to tell me? Did I want to hear it?

We held hands, and without that physical connection I think I might have panicked and run away.

We stopped beside a jumble of massive boulders. Angie turned and pulled me into a passionate kiss. I pressed my body to hers and started getting hard.

She leaned back, rubbed herself up and down my swollen member, and smiled at me. “Bobby, we are two adults. Like everyone else, we have lived different lives, known different people, and had different experiences.”

She was stating the obvious, so I agreed, “Of course. I get you. But I don’t understand why we’re having this conversation.”

“We both had a life before we knew each other.”

“Angie, we’ve known each other since seventh grade.”

“OK. That’s not what I meant. I was thinking about before we knew we liked each other.”

I pulled her into a hug. My hard-on poked out of the top of my board shorts, dripping pre-cum. I ground it against her bare belly as I squeezed her to me, hoping she would respond. Most of all, I hoped she would drop this goddamn uncomfortable subject and make love with me.

“Babe,” I told her. “I don’t give a shit about ‘before we knew we liked each other.’ My life began that night in the park. I don’t wanna know who you were with before me, but promise me you haven’t been with anybody else since we got together.”

Instead of answering, she challenged, “Have you?”

“Fuck, no! I fell in love with you on the spot, and I’ve never so much as thought about anybody else since then.”

“Oh, Bobby. You’re so naïve. We’re teenagers, for fuck’s sake. We’re supposed to be wild and carefree. We’re supposed to be insatiable, to live for sex, to grab life by the balls whenever and wherever we can. It’s who we are. We live for the moment.”

My voice quivered, “What the hell are you telling me?”

“I’m wondering if you realize what a ‘moment’ is.”

I was stunned. I didn’t want to believe what was happening, but reality was forcing itself on me. My breath came in gasps, and my head started spinning. Sitting down hard on a big rock, I bent forward and lowered my head between my knees.

When I recovered enough to speak, there were tears in my eyes. “Shit! Goddammit, Angie. Why are you saying this fucking bullshit? I thought we loved each other.” I wailed, “What the fuck happened?”

She sat down next to me and wrapped a comforting arm across my shoulders. “Oh, come on, Bobby.” She patted my back. “You know it’s puppy love. We’re in love with the feeling of being in love.”

Furious, I sprang to my feet and nearly fell on my ass, I was so dizzy. I took a few steps away to steady myself and spun around to face her.

I growled, “Listen, Angie. I don’t give a shit who you fucked in the past. I wouldn’t even care if you fucked other guys when you were with me. I want you to tell me all that shit’s over now, and we’re together. Are we? Are we fucking together, or am I just one of many?”

She stood and came toward me, stopping at arm’s length. My tears flowed down my face, but she didn’t reach out to me.

“Bobby, you’re truly one of a kind—a sweet, loving, gentle man who freely gives his heart away. I love you, I do—but not in the way you love me.”

I gasped and choked out a little moan.

Angie went on, although all I wanted was for her to shut the fuck up. “I can’t believe you’re surprised that our…relationship…was self-limiting. You’re going to join the fucking Air Force and go to Vietnam or some other God-forsaken place. I’m going away to college in Chicago.”

I looked up at her, grasping at straws. “I talked to my Dad about us.”

She didn’t look pleased, and her voice sounded ominous. “And?”

I pleaded, “He told me he and Mom had to wait to get married because he was sent to a lot of places during the war. They weren’t together all the time, but they stuck it out and loved each other enough to keep the feeling alive. Why can’t we at least try that?”

She reached over and rested a hand on my shoulder. I think she meant it as an act of kindness, but it pissed me off, and I pulled away. Her touch felt like a gesture of pity, and I was sure something bad was coming.

She spoke to me like I was a little boy. “Bobby, your parents were blessed to have love like that, but you and I are not them.”

I looked away, so she grasped my chin and made me look at her. “We’re both going on with our lives. We’re going to meet other people. We’re going to have relationships with them, maybe love them, probably fuck them. Tell me this isn’t news to you.”

I stepped back and turned to stare out at the placid ocean. The goddamn waves kept rolling in and ebbing away, like they didn’t give a shit what we did, like they were going to keep on, no matter how lost and hopeless I was.

I took a step into the cool water. The little breakers came in up to my ankles and tickled the soles of my feet. The sand sucked out from around them as the waves withdrew back into the sea, and then the whole process repeated itself.

I stared intently at the movement of the sand and water. For some reason, this helped me see life and love a little more clearly.

Without turning to face Angie, I spoke, “You’re right, of course. And I suppose I always knew it, like you said. But somewhere along the way, I got this goddamn dream about us, this bullshit fantasy that we were somehow going to make a life together. Aren’t I a dumb fuck?”

She walked up behind me, wrapped her arms around me, and rested her cheek on the back of my neck. I looked out to sea and didn’t resist, but I didn’t respond, either.

“Bobby, you’re not a dumb fuck. You’re a truly nice guy, and that is so rare. You give a girl your heart and soul, and when you say you love her, you mean it.”

She kissed the back of my neck. “But when you put your heart out like that, you’re taking a big risk that someone’s going to break it.”

“You mean like now?” My voice was icy.

“I’m afraid so. I didn’t set out to do this, and I’m sorry to disappoint you.”

“But you said you loved me.”

“I did—deeply when I said it, and I’ll always love you as a dear friend. But you’ve gotta learn that life is nothing but a long string of one moment after another. Nothing lasts forever. Nobody loves forever.”

“My parents did, at least until the goddamn car crash, and my Dad is still in love with her, even though she’s gone.”

“And your parents’ love is special, which I’m sure is why their son is.”

I spun around to face her with a scowl and spit out the words, “But not fucking special enough for a person like you!”

She gasped.

I was shocked by what I said. “I’m sorry, Angie. I didn’t mean it. I—”

“No, you meant it, Bobby, and I deserved it. I’m sorry, too. Can we go back now?”

“You mean back to the fire?”

“No, back to our room.”

We made our way across the wet sand, up the boardwalk, and onto the patio of our hotel. Once in our room, Angie turned and pulled me into a hug.

“I hurt you, Bobby, and I didn’t want to. But this was going to happen, one way or another. I hoped you knew that.” She looked at me for confirmation.

With a sigh, I lied, “I guess I did, but I didn’t expect it tonight. I thought we might have a little more time before we went our separate ways. And I hoped we’d always be friends.”

“We will always be friends, Bobby.” She gave me a brief kiss on the lips. “And we can still have one more night together.”

We tore our swimsuits off and fell into bed. I pulled on a condom and spread lube on it. I leaned in to kiss her, but she said, “Fuck me, Bobby. That’s what we both need now.”

She grasped my erection and plunged it inside her. She spoke in a whisper that was desperate with need. “Fuck me. Hard.”

Without any foreplay, I began slamming my rock-solid dick into her, plowing her into the padded headboard with the momentum of each thrust.

She answered every lunge by raising her ass off the bed and drawing me deep inside her pussy. Our frenzied coupling was rougher and more intense than we had ever tried.

We locked eyes almost with a vengeance as we collided like two wild creatures in some sort of death throe. In a way, we realized our love was dying, and we were crushing it into oblivion with the combined force of our bodies.

I was amazed at how long we lasted. You’d think it should have been over quickly, given the fanatical intensity of the energy we were both expending, but something about the sheer rawness of it made us go on and on.

We were so familiar with our bodies that we were able to come right up to the edge and back off time and again. This wasn’t love or tenderness, only raging passion, hunger, and desperate need.

We climaxed as though we were trying to fuse ourselves into one single being—made of flesh only, without heart or soul. My body shuddered with every gush of semen, and Angie trembled and bucked with the waves of her orgasm.

Afterward, we lay drained of all energy. I rolled off her, and we rested side by side—naked, soaked with sweat and bodily fluids, and panting for breath. Soon, we both fell asleep.

When I woke up, the sun shone through the gap in the closed curtains. Angie was gone. I suppose I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that she was able to leave without waking me. There was no note.

I wasn’t surprised or disappointed, but I did feel like invasive surgery had been performed on my soul without anesthesia. A substantial chunk of me was missing, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever grow it back.

Someone told me she hitched a ride with our friends, so I drove home alone and returned the rented car.

Dad and Teddy picked me up and immediately sensed that something monstrous had happened to me, so they didn’t pry or try to make small talk. Entering the house, I went straight to the refrigerator and took out a beer without asking Dad’s permission, and he said nothing.

I sat alone at the picnic table on the patio, lost in thought for the rest of the day. I didn’t think or cry—I was numb.

Teddy came out as it became dark and lowered himself into the chair across from me. He, too, had one of Dad’s beers. We drank in silence.

Half an hour later, Dad came out carrying a tray with hamburgers and more beers. I looked up and said “Thanks,” and he simply replied, “When you’re ready—if you’re ready—we can talk.”

********

The conversation never took place. Two days after my return from the beach, I packed for boot camp. Dad and Teddy drove me to the Greyhound station, and we hugged goodbye.

“I’m allowed one phone home call a week, and I have to earn the right.” Dad nodded in understanding, well aware of how it all worked.

“Give Sue Ann a kiss from me,” I told my brother. “You got it, Bro,” he promised.

I boarded the bus and chose a window seat. I looked out at my family, standing on the platform. Nobody waved, but I gave Teddy a nod and a smile. I saluted Dad as the bus pulled out. He returned the salute and put an arm across my brother’s shoulders. the next chapter of my life had begun. I was on my own, without Angie and without my family.