Buy Me a Drink - 10. Chapter 9

I don’t think Mick has ever kissed me before. Like, I’m really trying to think back and I’m pretty sure this morning was the first time.

On Monday mornings we have a philosophy class together at 10:55. So we usually get up about 9:00, stumble down the stairs at 9:30, eat some breakfast, and head out about 10:00 (you never know about traffic, parking is always a bitch, the building is on the other side of campus, and I’m paranoid about being late, so ‘NO, leaving at 10:00 for a 10:55 class is not too early).

So over breakfast Mick pumped me for details about my trip to the park with Ben and how the whole ‘boyfriends’ thing finally materialized. I, of course, did my best to give evasive answers – especially regarding our conversation about him and our time in the Japanese Garden – and then the little fucker, okay there’s really nothing ‘little’ about Mick, and then the big fucker went all emo, psychology student on me and asked how I was ‘feeling’ about everything.

The thing is…that’s a damn good question!

“I’m really happy for you,” he said with a simple smile as we were walking toward the door.

And that’s when the bastard kissed me!

He leaned right over to me, gave me a soft kiss on the forehead, and then pulled me into a tight hug. At least he had the decency to do the manly back slapping thing at the end, but still.

And now I’m sitting in philosophy with him, wishing I weren’t really here, and he keeps giving me these encouraging smiles whenever he catches me looking at him. SMILING!? Since when does he think he can go around smiling at me?

“Wanna go grab some lunch?” Mick inquires as we’re leaving philosophy.

“I can’t, I promised Ronnie I’d have lunch with him,” Whoa! Thinking on your feet there, dude! Way to go!

“Didn’t you say he went to San Jac?” Damn me and my big mouth! And what the hell? He forgot Ronnie’s name the last time we talked about him. Now all of a sudden he’s an expert on where the guy is on a Monday at noon?

“Yeah, but he doesn’t go on Mondays.”

“Ohh. Well you want me to give you a ride somewhere?”

“Oh, um thanks, but he’s actually supposed to pick me up in the horseshoe.” It’s this horseshoe shaped drive we’ve got on campus. Real creative naming huh?

“Okay, cool. I’ll see ya in sociology then.” Mick says casually as he gives my shoulder a squeeze and walks off.

********

I’m so fucked up. I mean I know I told you Mick was fucked up earlier, but he’s got nothing on me. See, I don’t lie to Mick. It just doesn’t happen. It’s not what we’re about. So, since I was feeling like a total paramecium, I decided that there was only one thing to do about what I had done: turn the lie into a truth.

“Hello?” came Ronnie’s raspy, sleep-filled voice. Jeez Ronnie, it’s half-past noon for godsake!

“Ronnie, where are you?”

“Who is this?” he asks groggily.

Evidently when someone calls him when he’s asleep he doesn’t check the caller ID. Either that or he deleted my number and I should feel like shit. I already feel like shit about Mick though, so I’ll just save myself the trouble and assume it’s the caller ID thing.

“It’s Aaron, where are you?”

“Um, a bed. Why?” He sounds really disoriented.

“A bed? Which bed?” I inquire taking note of his use of the indefinite article to describe ‘bed’.

“Wellll,” he says, drawing the word out as he seems to consider this question. “it’s definitely not mine…”

“Oh I remember now!” he exclaims, memory dawning on him. “The guy already went to work, he said his roommate would be around all day and he didn’t have to lock up, so to go back to sleep if I wanted.”

”And you wanted?”

“Evidently,” Ronnie remarks sarcastically.

“So you don’t have class on Mondays then?” I ask, seeing my first opportunity to turn myself into an honest man.

“Only one and I never go” Yes! Yay for truancy!

“Will you come meet me for lunch?” There’s hope of evolution for this little paramecium yet.

“Girl, I need to go home.” Ronnie responds dismissively.

“Please…It’s really important,” I plead.

“Fashion emergency?” Ronnie inquires in a dramatic, overly-serious tone.

“Boyfriend drama with a twist of love triangle thrown in.” This guy’s going to make a queen out of me yet.

“Juicy! I’ll be right there.”

********

I’ve just spent the last twenty minutes filling Ronnie in on everything that’s happened with Ben, including the scary revelation/fear I’m having about Mick being in love with me, and now he’s posing dramatically as he ponders the situation.

“I’d say what it comes down to is which one you want,” he concludes breaking out of his ‘Thinker’ pose and gracing me with his opinion.

“What do you mean, which one I want? I’ve just spent the last week and a half obsessed with Ben, and wasn’t he the whole reason I endured this ‘make-over’ business of yours? Besides, as of yesterday he’s my boyfriend. My decision is already made, dude.”

“Oh yeah, it would be horrible to throw away a week’s worth of effort on a two year relationship.” Do I know anyone who ISN’T sarcastic?

“What? Mick’s not…I mean yeah, we’ve been best friends for two years, but it’s not a relationship. Well okay, it is a relationship, but not in the romantic sense, and it’s not like I could just snap my fingers and have him anyway. He hasn’t exactly professed his undying love for me, and as far as we’re concerned the official stance is still ‘straight and non-sexual’. What if I’m wrong about all this? What if he really is just being fucked-up, weird Mick? And why is he being so damn supportive of me and Ben if he’s in love with me?”

“Because he cares about you,” Ronnie says simply, choosing to answer only my last question.

“So he’d just throw away his own happiness to focus on mine?” In my heart I already know the answer to this.

“From what you’ve told me about him…yeah,” Ronnie replies.

“But wouldn’t it make more sense to – oh, I dunno – tell me how he felt? I mean this is valuable information for me to have. It seems like even if he were only concerned with my happiness and not his own, informing me of this point would still be a wise move. You know so I can make an informed decision or whatever.”

“Well of course that would be sensible, but in case you haven’t noticed, Mr. Social Observer, people don’t always act 100% rationally,” Ronnie replies.

“But he’s always honest with me,” I protest. “I can’t imagine him being able to hide this from me. I’ve only been kinda, sorta trying to hide something from him for like…” I look at my watch, “Twenty hours, and it’s already driving me crazy.”

Ronnie rolls his eyes, probably at my anal-retentive need for accuracy.

“So maybe he’s not hiding anything from you at all,” Ronnie speculates.

“So then he’s not in love with me?” I ask/state feeling relieved.

“So then he hasn’t realized it,” Ronnie corrects.

“But…none of this makes sense,” I whine.

“Sweetie, listen to me. You need to focus. I want you to ignore everything else, all the other drama and complications. Everything. Now, just for a moment I want you to assume that you could have either one of them…which one do you want?”

That question sucks! I’m not playing!

“Well, I can’t have either one of them. The world doesn’t work that way.” Especially not for me.

“Fine,” Ronnie says as he throws his hands out – palms down and away – dramatically gesturing his dismissal. With that he shakes his head and gets up. He’ll make a good professional fashionista, but I think he might have missed his calling in theater.

“Ok, Ok! I’ll play along,” I give in.

He sits back down, crosses his legs, and does the ‘proceed’ gesture with his right hand. Sighing I begin.

“Okay, well I guess with Ben there’s this excitement. He’s completely unpredictable. I can’t stop thinking about him – well except for most of the day today that is – and there’s like this total attraction and lust. I mean he’s amazingly hot. It’s also kinda cool being…well being with a guy like him. Also, I already kinda sorta have him so that’s a plus. I mean I’m finally convinced he’s interested and I don’t have to go chasing him down anymore. Not only that, but it goes without saying that he’s already completely out and comfortable being with a guy…probably more comfortable with it than me...” I trail off lost in thought.

“And with Mick?” Ronnie prods after giving me a few seconds.

My answer comes surprisingly quickly, but I briefly ponder its significance nevertheless before I finally respond.

“…total trust”

********

Ronnie’s gay. I mean I figured you had probably already worked that out for yourself, but just in case you hadn’t I wanted to clue you in.

As much as talking to him helped me gain perspective, I figure there are a couple of drawbacks. First of all, he’s never met Mick. Which does kind of work against him in his whole ‘ability to judge the guy and the situation’ thing. Oh sure he’s seen him strip at Bender’s a few times, but somehow I doubt it was his personality Ronnie was focusing on. The second point is pretty straight forward: he’s gay. And as a gay person – a very gay person – he’s unavoidably biased toward viewing the world through a hot pink lens.

So, I thought it really couldn’t hurt to get a second opinion. You know, from someone who wasn’t a big fruity flamer who’d never met Mick. Naturally my thoughts turned to Jake to fulfill this capacity.

“Aar, what are you doing here?” I’m on his front step by the way.

“Can I come in?” I request

“Sure,” Jake says ushering me in.

Now let me just be blunt here: Jake’s apartment is a pig sty. In fact if an actual pig got lost in here I doubt we’d ever see it again.

Jake leads me over to a pile of trash which – if memory serves – at one point used to be a couch and nods with a serious expression, obviously indicating that I am to sit down and tell him what the deal is. Giving up on clearing a spot I elect to simply close the nearest pizza box and take a seat. Jake does a casual arm sweep thing and clears a spot on the coffee table across from me – Damn! Why didn’t I think of that? – and we’re ready to begin.

“Do you think Mick is gay?” Jake’s the sort of person it’s best to just cut to the chase with.

“Yes.”

Well damn!

“Really?” I ask.

“You didn’t know that?” Jake asks incredulously.

”Um, no.”

“Wow,” Jake says as he grabs one of the many bottles of beer on the table and takes a swig. God, I hope he just somehow knew that was his current one.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I demand.

“I thought you knew,” Jake responds.

“But…he always says he’s straight and just not into dating,” I point out.

“Oh well yeah. He doesn’t know,” Jake explains, “but I really thought you did.”

“Wait, he doesn’t know?” One thing at a time, Jake, one thing at a time.

“I don’t think so.” Jake shrugs. “I guess he might.”

“How could he not know?” I demand.

“How could you not know?” Jakes counters.

“Well I’m not him.”

“Good point,” Jake concedes, “But you’re with him all the time, and I figured you had that gaydar. So I thought you knew.”

Well my mind is now officially blown, and what a careless place for me to allow that to happen too. I shall probably get stale potato chips in my head when I attempt to pick up the pieces and stuff them back inside. I’m scared to ask my next question.

“Jake…is he in love with me?” I ask feebly.

“You’re not in love with him.” That’s a statement, not a question.

“I’m not?” I ask.

“Are you?”

“Well I don’t know.” I respond honestly.

“Then you’re not.”

“But I could be. I mean he’s really beautiful and I love him more than almost anyone else in the world.”

“But you’re not in love with him, Aaron” Jake says gently. “You’re in love with Ben. Mick is just your fall back guy, your safety net. He’s the sensible choice – and I’m not saying he’s the wrong choice – but I’ve seen the way you look at both of them and for better or worse it’s Ben all the way right now.”

I can’t think for several minutes. When I finally do…

“Jake?” I ask in a dazed voice.

“Yeah Aar,” he responds putting a consoling hand on my shoulder.

“You didn’t answer my question. Is he in love with me?”

“Would it matter?”

*****