Love in a Chair - 26. Hope & Despair

Love in a Chair

A story by Altimexis

Chapter 26 - Hope and Despair

More than two months had passed since Brian’s devastating breakup with Aaron. Another meaningful anniversary had come and gone.

Aaron was barely able to get through Thanksgiving, but the anniversary of his first kiss with Brian was a day he didn’t think he could live through - but he did. Winter break was also hard on him. His parents got him a new laptop, but it was small consolation. All he really wanted was Brian. He still loved Brian very much and it embarrassed him that he still fantasized about him when he jerked off - somehow, it would have felt like cheating to imagine being with anyone else.

At first he called June and Alan nearly every day - they were like second parents to him - but eventually the conversation became more and more difficult with time as he and Brian seemed to be going their separate ways. For their part, the Sandlers were very concerned with Brian’s deepening depression - his doctor had put him on fluoxetine, but it barely seemed to make a dent in his mood.

Aaron’s lowest point came on the anniversary of the accident. He knew that this would be particularly difficult time for Brian and no matter how hard Brian had tried to push him away, he instinctively knew that Brian needed him then more that ever. February third was a Saturday and Aaron decided he would try to spend the day with Brian. He drove over, unannounced, just after lunch, certain that Brian would be up by then.

June greeted him warmly at the door. She hugged him tightly and he hugged her back.

“Aaron, it’s so good to see you. We’ve really missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too, June, more than you can know.”

“Alan’s out playing a round of golf with his buddies. Otherwise, I’m sure he’d love to see you.”

“How’s Brian holding up today?”

“He’s still in bed if you can believe it.”

“Well, he’s not exactly an early riser, but this is extreme, even for him. I can only imagine how depressed he is about today.”

“Why don’t you go wake him up? I’m sure he could use the company, even if you two aren’t boyfriends anymore.”

Aaron quietly entered Brian’s room. Brian was lying in bed with his eyes closed. To Aaron, he looked like an angel. That he couldn’t kiss Brian literally tore at his heart, but he had to put his personal feelings aside. Brian needed him today, and he would be there for him.

Quietly, Aaron approached his sleeping beauty and gently shook his shoulder. Brian’s eyes flew open and he immediately tried to bring himself to a sitting position. Because Brian had no functioning muscles below his nipples, including his trunk muscles, however, sitting up in bed was difficult for him. He’d learned to balance himself at the rehab center, but with the function he’d lost since the operation, he was having a particularly difficult time sitting up.

Aaron tried to lend Brian a hand, but Brian forcefully pushed him away as he collapsed back onto the bed in the process. He looked back up at Aaron with a livid glare of anger. Aaron would never forget the look of hatred in Brian’s eyes.

“Get the fuck away from me!” Brian shouted at Aaron in a fit of rage. “I don’t want to see your face . . . especially today!”

“Brian, I know you don’t love me any more, but we had something very special. More importantly, I care about you a great deal and I know how difficult today must be for you. I just thought you might want someone with you today . . . someone beside your parents.”

“Well you thought wrong asshole! I just want to be alone! I don’t know what I ever saw in you. I certainly don’t love you, if I ever did. The one thing I know for sure is, that if I’d never met you, I wouldn’t be in a wheelchair. Get out of my life, Aaron . . . you’ve fucked it up enough already.”

Aaron couldn’t stand it any more. He’d promised himself that no matter what Brian might say, he’d stick by him today, but he couldn’t take it - Brian had ripped out his heart again, and crushed it, shaking Aaron to the core.

Aaron raced out of Brian’s room as the tears started to pour down his face. June tried to intercept him, but he pushed her away and raced out the door and jumped in his car. He sped away, but had to pull over in less than a block - the tears clouded his vision too much for him to drive. He’d driven far enough, though. He just wanted to get away from the Sandler’s house.

When the tears ebbed, he just drove around aimlessly, but then he got up the courage to go to the scene of the accident. He pulled to the side of the road, with a clear view of Lewis and Elm, and just sat there watching the traffic go by. He sat for hours, his mind totally numb. He didn’t eat, he didn’t drink and, because he was dehydrated, he didn’t even have to go to the bathroom.

As day turned to night, a storm system moved in and it started to sleet. Aaron didn’t care - the weather outside his car very much mirrored the feeling inside his heart. What Brian said was devastating. He’d never loved Aaron. After all the wonderful times they’d had together and all the incredible sex, Brian said he’d never loved him. Aaron wept more tears than he ever thought he had in him.

Finally, Aaron threw the car into gear and drove through the intersection, shuddering as he did so. When he got home, his mother started to approach him, but when she saw the look on his face, she backed away. Ruth Johnson knew her son and knew he couldn’t be approached just yet; he would talk to her when he was ready.

Slowly, Aaron climbed the stairs, and threw himself on his bed. After a few minutes of sobbing into his bedspread, he felt someone sit down on the edge of his bed.

“You want to talk about it, bro?”

Aaron didn’t want to talk, but there was something disarming about the way Adam talked and he marveled again at what a best friend his brother was to him. Aaron turned over and lay on his back to face his brother.

“He said he never loved me,” Aaron said as he started crying again. “He said he doesn’t know what he ever saw in me.”

Adam reached down and squeezed his brother’s shoulder. “You know none of that’s true. I saw how he looked at you. There is no doubt that he was very much in love with you.”

“Adam, Brian said something else that hurt. It hurt me more than anything. He said that if he’d never met me, he wouldn’t be in a wheelchair. I know the accident wasn’t my fault, but he’s absolutely right. That’s a lot to live with.”

Adam leaned over and hugged his brother tightly. “You’re right . . . you had nothing to do with it. The accident was a random thing. You guys were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Tomorrow I could skip breakfast, and then walk into a convenience store while it’s being robbed and get shot. Would this be my fault because I skipped breakfast? Of course not! Your meeting Brian has nothing to do with the accident.”

Aaron and Adam stayed like that for a while until Aaron’s breathing slowed and became more regular. Recognizing that his brother had fallen asleep, Adam tiptoed out of the room.

When Monday came, it took Aaron all the courage he could muster to return to school. He knew he’d run into Brian sooner or later and he didn’t think he could take it, but he knew he’d have to. At lunchtime, he sat at his usual table. Since breaking up with Brian, he’d been sitting with Scott, Jared, Sharon, Jackie and some other friends from the GSA, all of whom were now out, while Brian and Larry sat alone at another table. Aaron couldn’t blame Larry for standing by his longtime friend, but Aaron missed Larry’s infectious personality. Over the past months, Aaron would often steal glances at Brian as he ate, wishing somehow they could be together again.

But this Monday was different. As Aaron ate his lunch, he looked over and saw Brian, not as the boy he loved, but as the boy who hurt him. The thought pierced his heart and sent a chill down his spine. Brian was no longer his, and he had to move on. Aaron resolved then and there to start dating again. Dating other boys was the only way he would ever get over Brian.

Looking around the cafeteria, he spotted a familiar face among the crowd. It had been a while since Aaron had spoken to Darren and, in truth, he hadn’t thought about him much at all, but seeing him laughing and having a good time with his friends, Aaron couldn’t help but notice how cute Darren really was. That evening, he decided to give Darren a call.

“Hello?” It was a man’s voice that he didn’t recognize.

“Hello, is Darren there?”

“Just a minute.”

Aaron waited a bit and then he heard Darren answer.

“Hello, Darren? Hi, it’s Aaron. Aaron Johnson.”

The line was silent for several seconds and then Darren finally answered. “Aaron? H . . . hi. H . . . how are y . . . you?”

“I’m fine, Darren. Well, not really fine, but I’m OK.”

“What’s wrong?"

“Well, you know that Brian and I have broken up.”

“I figured as much, since you don’t even sit together any more.” Aaron could hear the feeling of hope in Darren’s voice.

“Darren, I don’t want to hurt you. I won’t lie to you . . . I still love him, but it doesn’t look like there’s much hope of our getting back together. I need to move on and it’s going to be very difficult for me, and in a way, for anyone I go out with right now. I’m on the rebound, as they say.”

“Are you asking me out? Are you really asking me out?”

“Well, yeah, but I care about you and I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Aaron, I’ve been jerking off to fantasies of you ever since we met. . . . I know how much you must be hurting right now . . . I saw how much you and Brian loved each other . . . but I’m willing to take that chance. So, yeah, I’d love to go out with you!”

“How about we take in a flick this Saturday.”

“That’d be great! But please remember, I’m very much in the closet and want to keep it that way. Everyone at school knows you’re gay, so I can’t be seen with you. And I definitely don’t want my folks to know.”

“Fair enough. I’ve got a car and can drive us anywhere. Let’s say I pick you up at two and we go to a movie well away from here, where no one knows us. We’ll go out for dinner afterwards, and then maybe come back to my place.”

“I’d love that.”

Aaron was nervous as hell when Saturday rolled around. Finally, it was time to pick Darren up and it took all his willpower to keep his mind focused on his driving. When he got to Darren’s house, Darren rushed out the door and into his car before he even came to a stop. Darren was so cute! They chatted a bit as they headed out of town and headed to the Regal Theater about an hour away.

Soon, Aaron was beginning to feel more relaxed and the conversation flowed. He found that Darren had a sister who was in the seventh grade and a brother who was ten. Darren was a big soccer player, but didn’t really like spectator sports and hated football. His music tastes tended toward rap and hip hop, which Aaron really didn’t care for. Darren was a pretty average student who did OK in English, but hated math and science, Aaron’s favorite subjects.

When they got to the theater, Aaron bought a couple large buckets of popcorn and some large cokes. They sat in the back and talked a while until the lights dimmed for the previews. When the feature presentation came on and the lights dimmed all the way, Aaron soon felt a hand on his thigh. He turned and looked at Darren, who looked back and grinned at him. Darren started stroking his thigh, moving his hand closer and closer to Aaron’s crotch with each stroke. Aaron knew where this would lead, and this wasn’t the time or place for it. He took hold of Darren’s hand and held it firmly as he leaned forward and kissed Darren on the lips. Darren kissed him back and soon the two boys were engaged in a serious lip lock.

Aaron couldn’t help but feel guilty, as if he was cheating on Brian but, damn, it felt so good to be kissing a boy again. When he closed his eyes, he could almost make himself believe he was kissing Brian. Aaron never really got to see the movie and when the lights came back up, their popcorn and drinks had hardly been touched. They took their munchies out with them and got some pizza at the food court. They sat down and resumed their conversation as they ate their ‘dinner’. When they finished, Aaron suggested that they head to his house and Darren readily agreed.

When they got to Aaron’s house, he introduced Darren to his parents, who were pleased to see Aaron moving on with his life. They were deeply saddened by his and Brian’s breakup and had been worried about him, so they saw his date with Darren as a positive step.

When Aaron and Darren got upstairs, Adam was in his room playing a game on his computer. Aaron introduced Darren to his brother, but they already knew each other and just said ‘hi’. Aaron saw a look of anger and disgust on Adam’s face, but he chose to ignore it for the moment.

Aaron led Darren into his room and closed and locked the door behind them. Darren heard the click of the door lock and was ecstatic with anticipation. Aaron had intended to show Darren some of the things in his room, but Darren never gave him the chance as they were once again engaged in a passionate kiss. Aaron pushed Darren away.

“Darren, could we slow down a bit. It’s too soon for me.” However, Darren would have none of that and he practically pounced back on Aaron and pushed him down and onto the bed.

When they separated, Darren pulled off his shirt and Aaron couldn’t help but marvel at the incredibly cute fourteen-year-old boy with sandy hair, hazel eyes, a lightly freckled face and a smooth chest. Darren reached down and started to unbutton Aaron’s shirt. Aaron tried to pull Darren’s hands away, but Darren was persistent and he managed to completely unbutton and open Aaron’s shirt.

“God, you’re beautiful,” Darren said as he again attacked Aaron with his passionate kisses. Feeling Darren’s silky skin against his own chest, Aaron couldn’t help but get aroused. Before he knew what was happening, Darren had unbuckled Aaron’s belt and unzipped his jeans. Darren reached in and gently fondled Aaron’s dick through his boxers. Aaron wanted to stop him, but when Darren exposed Aaron’s dick and took it into his mouth, Aaron became completely powerless. It didn’t take long for him to send spurt after spurt into Darren’s waiting mouth.

Aaron immediately felt guilty after it was over. “We shouldn’t have done that. It was just too soon.”

“But I wanted it, Aaron. I wanted it bad.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t want it . . . at least not yet. Look, we didn’t even use condoms. You pushed it, Darren.”

Darren started to cry. “I knew it was too good to be true.”

Aaron reached over and pulled Darren into a hug as he whispered into his ear, “I’m not saying we can’t eventually be boyfriends and do things like that, Darren, but it’s too soon for me. Hell, it’s probably too soon for any relationship. Sex should grow out of love, and not the other way around. I know you just got a bit carried away and I don’t hold it against you. Someday, maybe we’ll do this again and more . . . maybe a lot more. You just need to give it some time.”

Aaron drove Darren back to his house. Before leaving, Darren leaned forward and gave Aaron a passionate kiss on the lips. Just then, the porch light came on and they separated quickly as Darren’s father opened the door. “I sure as hell hope he didn’t see us.” Aaron said.

“Me more than you . . . Well, if he did see us, I guess I’d better go face the music.”

“Would you like me to come with you?”

“Nah. That’d only make things worse. I gotta go. See ya.”

Aaron really worried about Darren on his short drive home, but he was about to find there was someone else he had to worry about. When he got to his room and started to close the door, Adam pushed it open and barged into his room, shutting the door behind them.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Adam shouted at Aaron with a vehemence he’d never seen from his brother before. “What the fuck’s gotten into you?”

“Adam, I . . .”

“Don’t give me any of that bullshit. I’m not buyin’ it. Do you have any idea what this’ll do to Brian?”

“Adam, it’s over between Brian and me.”

“The hell it’s over! I see him every day. I’ve seen him secretly watching you when you weren’t looking. He’s far from over you. He’s no more over you than you are of him!”

Aaron was stunned. The way he’d left things, Brian had made it clear that he didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. “Adam, he told me he doesn’t think he ever loved me. He told me I need to see other people. He told me he needs to work things out on his own, and he blames me for his being paralyzed.”

“And do you really believe any of that crap?”

Aaron thought for a minute and then finally said, “No . . . well, I’m not sure. Adam, do you have any idea what this is doing to me? I’ve been there for Brian all along, but he just kept pushing me away. I loved him so much . . . I still do . . . but there’s only so much pain I can take.”

“The pain you may be feeling is nothing compared to the pain Brian feels. He still wants you. He wants you bad. If he said he didn’t love you, he was lying. I see the way he still looks at you. Aaron, you can’t toss him away. It’ll devastate him. It’ll kill him!” Adam stormed out of his room leaving Aaron to ponder what he’d said.

Aaron tossed and turned all night. Deep down he knew that Adam was right, but he couldn’t bring himself to forget what Brian had said the last time they spoke to one another. He really liked Darren and thought that their relationship could blossom into something special, but at the same time he felt guilty - guilty for cheating on Brian, and guilty for possibly crushing Darren in the end. He knew he was only fooling himself - he still loved Brian very, very much. Darren was only a distraction - someone to take his mind off the fact that deep down he was hurting more than ever. Finally, he just gave up on trying to sleep and he loaded up Halo on his Xbox and played the night away.

By the time he went downstairs for breakfast, he looked like hell. His parents were concerned but, after he told them he didn’t want to talk about it, they knew that it wasn’t the time to push it.

Adam for his part was glad to see that his brother was suffering. It was a first step, as far as he was concerned, for he knew his brother and Brian better than either of them did themselves.

At just after ten o’clock, the phone rang.

“Aaron, it’s for you,” his dad said as he handed him the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Aaron?”

Aaron thought he recognized the voice, but he wasn’t sure from where. When he realized who it was, it sent a chill down his spine. It was Darren’s father. “Hello, Mr. Jacobs.”

“You’re pretty good at recognizing voices, Aaron. I’m impressed.”

“Well I . . .”

“You don’t need to say anything, Aaron. Just hear me out. I think you know what this is about, but it’s not what you think. I really want to thank you for kissing Darren in front of my house last night.”

“What?”

“I want to thank you. You made it so much easier for us to talk to Darren about something we’d wanted to raise for some time, but just didn’t know how. I know that I wasn’t the most tolerant person when Darren was growing up, but we love our son very much. Anyway, it’s been pretty obvious the past couple of years that Darren’s gay. I mean he’s not exactly very masculine and he endured a lot of teasing in middle school, but he never wanted to talk about it. Even his sister asked us recently if he’s gay. I think Darren is the only one who really thought it wasn’t obvious.”

Aaron thought about it for a moment and realized that it was probably true.

“Anyway, thanks to you, we were finally able to talk frankly to our son and to allay his fears that we would reject him for it. I’m not saying I’m comfortable with him being gay, but after watching him grow up, I realize that he had no choice. He could no more be straight than he could win a college football scholarship. I know that he was born this way and it’s nobody’s fault.

“Aaron, I love my son, which brings me to the real reason for calling you. Darren’s told me about you and about your recent break-up with Brian. Believe me, Aaron, I’ve been there and I know what you’re going through. I also know how Darren feels about you, and I don’t want to see him hurt. Aaron, please promise me that you’ll be gentle with him. Don’t lead him on unless you feel for him the way he feels for you. All I ask is that you not use him as a substitute lover for Brian. If you did that, it would be utterly devastating to him.

“Again, don’t say anything right now, Aaron. Just please think about it.” And with that Mr. Jacobs hung up the phone.

“Who was that?” Aaron’s mom asked.

“Ah, nobody, Mom.” Aaron then ran back upstairs, plopped down onto his bed. Overwhelmed with his thoughts, he fell asleep.

Monday rolled around and Aaron went through his classes, but had a great deal of difficulty paying attention as he kept thinking about his dilemma. The boy he loved wouldn’t speak to him, and the boy he liked could be crushed by his rejection. He didn’t know what to do. When lunch period came around, he headed to the cafeteria, grabbed some food, and headed to his usual table. Aaron had been discussing his dilemma with his friends when Darren appeared out of nowhere and sat down at their table.

“Dude, do you really want to sit here?” Aaron asked.

“Why not? You’re here and were friends . . . at least I think we’re friends. And it’s a free country, isn’t it?”

“But you know this is kinda the ‘gay’ table. I mean everyone else here is gay, and we’re all out. If you sit here, people are gonna talk.”

“So? Now that my dad knows I’m gay, what’s the harm?”

“Aaron, is this the kid you were talking about?” Scott asked.

“Yeah. Scott, this is Darren. Darren, this is Scott.”

“Darren, what I think Aaron is trying to say is that just because your parents know, doesn’t mean you necessarily want the rest of the world to know. This is high school, dude. Rumors fly like wildfire around here.”

“Are you saying I’m not welcome here?”

“Of course not,” Aaron said. “But the way you talked the other night, I didn’t think you were really ready to come out just yet.”

“Aaron, after talking to my folks, I don’t really think that anyone here’s gonna be surprised that I’m gay, do you?” Aaron thought about this for a minute and when no one spoke, Darren continued. “Look, you’re out, and I like you. Perhaps if I’m out, it’ll make it easier for us to be a couple.”

“Ooh, that’s the wrong reason to come out, dude,” Jared said.

“Does it really matter what my reason is? Going back to what I just said, do you really think anyone’s gonna be surprised that I’m gay. I might as well make it official. At least then people won’t be talking behind my back.”

“No, but what they do to your face could be much, much worse than anything you’ve encountered before,” Aaron answered. “You remember when McDonald painted my car pink? You saw what can happen. Once you out yourself, there’s no going back.”

“I know that, Aaron, but I want to come out on my terms . . . not because I’m forced to. So can I please sit here?”

“Of course you can sit here,” Scott replied.

“And I’m gonna join the GSA, too. Speaking of which, Aaron, would you go with me to the GSA Valentine’s dance this Saturday?” Darren asked.

For the second time in the last ten minutes, Aaron nearly fell off his chair. Valentine’s day itself was on Wednesday, only two days away, but the student council had voted to hold the dance on Friday. The GSA chose to hold their own dance on Saturday, separately from the official school dance so that kids who didn’t want to come out could feel safe.

After staring back at Darren for a while, Aaron finally responded, “Gee, I dunno.”

“Aaron, I know you’re not over Brian yet. I know you don’t love me the way you still love Brian, and perhaps you never will, but I love you, Aaron Michael Johnson, and I’m willing to wait. Please just go with me to the dance. It’s not like a real date or anything. I’d like to go and I’d like to go with you.”

Everyone at the table was feeling a bit uncomfortable with this exchange. Finally, Aaron spoke up. “Darren, I’m going through a lot right now. I can’t promise anything, but if you’re willing to deal with the possibility that things might not work out, I’d be happy to go with you to the dance.”

“I know things might not work out . . . believe me, but I’m gonna do everything I can to change your mind about me. I’ll never be Brian, but I’m here and I love you, and I hope that someday you’ll love me, too. Until that day, let’s have fun, and if that day never comes, we’ll still have our memories, and I’ll always love you.” Darren got up and startled the hell out of Aaron when he kissed him on the lips, and then left.

“Damn,” Scott said, “I can’t believe he kissed you in front of everybody. He like went from the closet to center stage.”

“Yeah, in front of everybody,” Aaron repeated as he looked in Brian’s direction, only to find Larry, sitting alone.

Aaron couldn’t help but worry that Brian had seen Darren kiss him. After his conversation with Adam on Saturday night, he was beginning to realize just how fragile Brian was and he wondered if, deep down, Brian still loved him. Knowing that Darren loved him only made things more difficult. He really liked the guy, but he didn’t love him and the last thing he wanted was to see Darren crushed.

That evening when he got home from school, he called the Sandler home and got no answer. He tried calling Brian’s cell phone and still didn’t get an answer, and left a voice mail message. Finally, he tried Larry’s house, but Larry had no idea where Brian was.

The next day in school, Aaron’s anxiety only grew, particularly when lunch came and went and he still didn’t see Brian. Larry was beginning to become worried as well. When Aaron got home that afternoon, he called Brian’s house and there still wasn’t an answer, nor was there on Brian’s cell phone. Finally, he tried June Sandler’s cell phone and got an answer.

“Hello Aaron, it’s good to hear your voice.”

“Hi June. I’m calling because I haven’t been able to reach Brian.”

“Aaron, I think you need to sit down. Are you sitting down?”

“WHAT’S WRONG?” Aaron screamed into the phone, ignoring June’s advice.

“Aaron, last night Brian tried to take his life, and there’s a good chance he may not make it.”

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