The Secret - 1. The Secret

Today was the day, I decided. It was finally time to tell Bryan, my best friend, the truth. It has been a secret I’ve held tightly guarded for so long that I’m driving myself crazy as I allowed it to eat away at me up until this point.

Until this moment it was a road I was unwilling to travel down. A road that until recently seemed completely absurd for me to even consider. Yet here I am sitting and waiting for Bryan’s arrival so I can admit the truth and allow this burden to finally be lifted from my shoulders.

Waiting until we were at our special hangout spot was the best way I figured to inform Bryan about my revelation. It was the place where we’ve always revealed our secrets to one another and we would only talk about those secrets while we were here. No matter what was said, once we’d left that place, neither mentioned it again until we’d returned.

To keep my mind occupied I considered trying once again to see if I could get the clock in the clock tower working, but I knew if I started, it would distract me completely when I had something so important to tell. It dawned on me that this was the first time that I’ve never actually looked at the clock, which for me, someone who loves to tinker with things and figure out how they work, is an achievement on its own.

I got into so much trouble with my parents just for trying to figure out how the stereo worked, though I must admit, I can see why my parents were upset. After all, by the time I dismantled the stereo, I actually believe there was a better chance at putting Humpty Dumpty together again after he fallen.

When I was eight, I learned the clock in the clock tower wasn’t working so I snuck out of the house at the first chance I could. I was determined to fix the clock and make everyone in town proud, but that wasn’t what happened. Looking back at it now, I realize how important it was for me to be so interested in how things work. It was because the night I rushed to the clock tower also happened to be the night Bryan ran away from home.

I remember climbing on top of the old building, excited and full of determination. There was a slight problem though, for I had arrived without a single tool in my hand. There was no way I was going to be able to fix the clock now, and I would have to wait for another time to be able grab the tools needed to fix it. I ended up sitting down on the ledge feeling totally defeated and then I was suddenly taken by a sight I had never seen.

Once I had reached the top of the tower, I discovered it offered a wonderful view of the town. In fact you could see the whole town from up here. I managed to lose myself in the scenery and even though night had settled, the sky was clear enough that the nearly full moon offered a picture perfect image. At some point it dawned on me that, even if it was daytime, no one could actually see me from where I was and I decided to return first chance I could.

As I observed the town I spotted an owl swooping down and grasping it’s prey. I’m not certain what kind of prey the owl dove for, but whatever it was, I knew the owl was about to eat well this night.

Because of how focused I was on the owl, I didn’t notice someone approaching from behind, but when I heard the person slip I gasped out loud, nearly losing my footing as I whipped around, grabbing a glimpse of the person now in sight. He was around my age, looking rather battered and bruised. It took only a moment for me to recognize him to be Bryan, a schoolmate of mine, but until that night we never gave each other the time of day.

It took only a moment to recognize that Bryan didn’t wish to be bothered and so I nodded my head in acknowledgement and understanding that I would pretend to have never seen him. Bryan seemed to pick up on that and let out a breath before relaxing. I decided it was best to give him space and went to leave, but I was shocked to see Bryan’s response to that because, although he didn’t speak a word, his firm grasp on my arm quickly told me it was best to remain.

We took a seat on the ledge and without a word being shared we watched the night sky and took in the sights. At some point Bryan leaned into me while I put my arm around him to offer him the support he needed.

It’s amazing how little someone can actually say, yet ending up saying so much. That night, I learned more about Bryan than most people learn during a few years of schooling and the best part was that neither of us actually uttered a single word. In fact, neither of us spoke a word until my fourth attempted at trying to fix the clock. Of course, by this point I not only brought tools but also snuck out snacks for Bryan.

“I don’t think you’re ever going to figure it out,” Bryan stated before taking a bite of his sandwich.

Stopping to quickly glare at him, I dropped a screw which I had just removed from the clock. The screw slid down the rooftop before finally falling to the ground. “Damn it, now I’m never going to find it,” I complained.

“You could always use a metal detector,” Bryan suggested with a smirk plastered upon his face.

“Do you know where I can find one?” I asked.

“Sure, my dad has one, but I’m not touching it, for I don’t need an extra licking this week,” Bryan answered with a sudden frown.

I glanced over to where Bryan was looking, and realized he was looking at his home, before commenting. “Yeah, that would be the third time this week, wouldn’t it?”

“Some days I wish I was dead. Maybe if I took his metal detector he would finish me off and I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore,” Bryan stated bitterly.

“Don’t,” I said sharply as my head whipped around. “Don’t think like that.”

“Have you figured out yet how to get your ma and pa to let me stay with you all?” Bryan asked hopefully while sort of changing this distasteful topic.

“Other than marriage, I’m afraid not,” I spoke in sorrow. “Worse still, I’m afraid my sister isn’t interested in you, let alone marriage.”

“You don’t have a sister,” Bryan stated while suddenly laughing out loud.

It caught me off guard as I didn’t think my joke was that funny, but seeing Bryan laugh was a wonderful change. Bryan’s mood had been awfully down, mostly due to his father using his body as a punching bag. His mood at times was tiresome and even began to wear me down.

That seemed to be the turning point for us, after that, we starting opening up to each other, but only while we were at the clock tower. The next time we meet there, he did bring his father’s metal detector and we spent a fair bit of time finding that screw that I had. Bryan also paid dearly for taking the detector and I couldn’t help but feel completely guilty.

Away from our secret place, or our place outside of reality as Bryan calls it, we really hardly had anything to do with each other. Bryan’s father kept him fairly busy, mostly abusing him so he could do as little work as possible while I, on the other hand, kept to myself, hiding from most of the outside world.

In my spare time, one could find me in my father’s tool shed trying to dismantle or put together anything I could grasp. It was clear to my parents that I was destined to be a tradesman of some sort, but whether it was meant to be with wood or metal remained unclear. Then again there were many things that remained unclear regarding me. Like how far I was willing to go, just to protect Bryan from harm.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked Bryan one night as we sat on the ledge even though I already knew the answer.

“Iain, it’s him or me, and frankly I am not interested in letting it be me,” Bryan stated as I handed him the vial. “You’re certain this will do the trick?”

“Yes, it’s what my father uses to put the animals out of their misery,” I answered.

“Good,” Bryan spoke with a twinkle in his eyes.

Up until this point, I don’t think I had ever seen a look of hope in Bryan’s face. That thought alone excited me and scared me all at once.

“Just make certain that vial is destroyed, else we’re both going to be in a lot more hot water than anything your father could throw your way,” I stated clearly as Bryan nodded his head.

Part of me was grateful to be able to admit that Bryan was never given the chance to actually use the vial I gave him. The other part of me wanted so much for Bryan to pay back his father for all the wrongs he received. As it turned out, Bryan’s father never woke that night, for his heart had already given out while he slept.

The whole town showed up to honor Bryan’s father and throughout the whole wake, I sat next to Bryan without saying a single word, not because I didn’t know what to say, but because of the unspoken pact we continued to maintain outside of our secret place.

It wasn’t really that hard to not say much anyway, for his cousin Malcolm did most of the talking for all three of us. I learned through Malcolm, that Bryan and his mother would be moving in with them. I also learned that Malcolm’s family lives only down the road from where I lived rather than across town. Not that it mattered much to me anyway, but it was nice to know I could keep an eye on Bryan if need be.

I knew I didn’t need to worry about Bryan, because I knew that now that his father was out of the picture, he would spring to life, and spring is a word that doesn’t describe it as best it could. Perhaps leap would be more the word, but our relationship completely changed after he moved. In fact, I was shocked when one day he appeared completely unannounced at my home, Malcolm of course in tow.

“So this is where you’ve been hiding,” Bryan smugly stated.

“I wasn’t hiding,” I corrected Bryan while giving him a look of uncertainly.

“Some of the guys at school are getting together to play ball, want to come with us?” Malcolm blurted out and earned him a sharp glare as if it was Bryan’s secret to share.

“There are a few things I actually have to take care of, perhaps another time,” I answered, which received a frown of disappointment from Malcolm.

“They can wait,” Bryan stated

I felt Bryan’s sudden grasp upon my arm, which was something he only ever did when he needed me to stand by his side. Without having to say another word it became clear to me that Malcolm was the instigator of this adventure and Bryan decided he needed moral support.

“Yes, they can wait,” I agreed, as I placed what was in my hands down onto the counter before clearing the room and closing the door behind me.

I learned why Malcolm was so eager to play ball with his schoolmates fairly quickly. Apparently Malcolm was very hands on when it came to trying to get the ball in his hands and was willing to do practically anything to grasp the object of his desire.

We lost the game of course, but I think that had a lot to do with the fact that all the boys who regularly played ball were on the other team and, as a result, we got our butts handed to us on a golden platter.

After the game, Bryan’s visits became more regular to my house, always with his shadow of course. Our secret place became threatened many times once Bryan moved in with Malcolm’s family, because Malcolm always followed Bryan around.

For Bryan, our secret place became a way to escape Malcolm and his stalking behavior. I suggested to Bryan that he try a double date quickly, else the two of them might as well get married, because it was clear that Malcolm was joined at Bryan’s hip. Bryan made it clear that if that was the case I had to come, though when I joked about having to be his date since the purpose was to try to find someone else for Malcolm to stalk, he frowned at me before stating how funny I was and then changed the topic.

Malcolm did slowly begin to show signs of wear though; he just needed time to lose interest in Bryan. Bryan was his new toy and he had to play with his toy until he started to tire of it, only then would a new toy emerge and capture his focus.

I’m uncertain who it was that Malcolm’s new interest was, I had heard this person captured his heart, but apparently Malcolm was afraid to share regarding how he felt. It probably was a good thing too, because Bryan was asking for that vial back because he honestly didn’t know how much more he was going to be able to take. This time though, I wasn’t certain if he was planning on who it was for, Malcolm or himself and it was something I really didn’t wish to know the answer too.

Bryan mentioned something about an upcoming winter dance he was interested in attending, why I wasn’t certain, but he felt if he was going to attend then he wanted me to come along. I learned very quickly that it was a setup and he really wanted me to come on some sort of double date, something of which I was nowhere near interested in going on.

Dating by myself scared me, let alone a double date. What was even worse was that this dance was in the next town which, of course, was a fair hike away. What if he expected me to get all close with the person he had chosen for me to be with? I bet she’s not very appealing either. I told him I’d consider it, but that I really wasn’t interested in a dance. I even informed him that I couldn’t dance, and Bryan retaliated by offering me dancing lessons, even though he also wasn’t very good at it, but he was willing to show me everything he knew.

It was with that notion looming in my mind that I found myself waiting for his arrival, waiting, to admit the truth I’ve so long kept a secret even from him. I could see it now; he would freak out and push me off the clock tower to my pending doom or maybe he would do nothing and allow me to live my life in peace without anymore contact with him.

Could I live with that? I’ve gotten used to this place, that one simple revelation can so quickly alter it. I figured I had to though, because I owed it to him. I apparently knew everything about him, and yet, here I was still holding back a simple truth that he should have been allowed to choose to consider. So I sat here trying to prepare myself to tell him the truth.

“Hello... earth to Iain,” I shook myself out of my thoughts, feeling totally shocked and disoriented. “Did you even hear a word I just said?” Bryan asked while trying to get my attention as it dawned on me he had already arrived.

I know the blank look on my face answered what he was just asking. I looked around realizing that what had taken place was my mind running around with me. Perhaps Bryan is right, and this place is beyond reality, due to the simple fact that I always found myself so easily lost and forgetting the world around me.

Bryan had no clue regarding the truth about me, and in a few moments I had been able to reminisce about the good times, just as in a few moments Bryan would learn the darkest secret I hold so dear. Things were about to change, I knew that to be true.

I opened my mouth, totally frightened of what might come out, only to find myself cut off by Bryan before a word was even spoken.

“So have you given any thought to what we talked about?” Bryan spoke with a look that made me clue in to what he was waiting for.

I opened my mouth to speak, knowing full well what needed to be said. “I’ve given it a lot of thought… and I need to tell… no, I have to tell you,” I choked on my words as I saw the ray of light in his eyes. “Let’s go on that double date you mentioned.”

The look on his face said it all. His face beamed with joy at the prospect of what my answer entailed, so much so, that I swear he was about to kiss me out of pure joy. We didn’t say much after that; we just watched the sky settle into the night. This time I leaned into him as he put his arm around my shoulder while silently giving me the support I now needed.

I almost wish I hadn’t agreed to this double date despite knowing how happy Bryan is as a result. The truth was clear for me to see, and telling Bryan about my sexuality was a road I clearly still wasn’t ready to travel down.

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