Pen & Paper: The Sexdemon Incident - 1. Let's roll for Intelligence

Miles pinched the bridge of his nose. 'Let's do a pen & paper round at least once,' Monty had said, 'it'll be fun.' Well, depends on the way you look at it. For they were an absolute mess.

Leo, an old friend of Monty's, had presented them, as absolute beginners, with a highly simplified rulebook and roughly pre-made characters which they detailed out together, but...

No... it was actually just chaos.

A funny chaos? Maybe.

Ben was a shield warrior, affectionately known as Seven- why? Only the gamemaster knew. Quite clichéd with more muscle than brains and unhelpfully blessed with a fear of the dark. And, well, also more balls than brains, but at least with an indestructible stomach. Given that Ben was normally a very intelligent guy and a bit of a know-it-all, he played the dumb part quite well.

Monty was a rogue, equipped with two short swords. Called Goldfinger because of his kleptomania, and a charmer before the Lord. Not a big thinker, more of a doer.

Eddy played a mage named Phillibuster, Philly for short, and was an ADHD disaster straight out of the book. Inattentive, clumsy, jumpy. Half the spells backfired.

Miles himself was an elven forest ranger. Due to some misunderstanding Leo had created the character as woman and had only with gnashing teeth allowed to change them into a guy. He had insisted on the name Jessy, though, and Miles had declared as dignified as he could, the little humans couldn't pronounce his elven name, therefore they called him by a nickname. He was a hothead who shot first and asked questions later, though his precision often got in the way, because there wasn't much left to ask afterwards. He used his bit of elven magic to struggle with it through the one or other healing spell, because quite honestly, no one wanted to let a mage like Philly touch their wounds.

And the story? Quickly told.

After the end of a long war, the four friends get an order from their commander to retrieve an artifact from an old witch.

After Goldfinger charmed a fire amulet from the witch and learned that the artifact had been stolen by soldiers traveling home, they set out and that's when the drama began.

In a ruin, Goldfinger saw something glittering and, sure enough, wanted it. Unfortunately, a vengeful ghost was guarding the treasure and almost tore the careless thief to pieces. While Philly ruined the ruin even further, making the ghost laugh, Jessy rescued poor Goldfinger and patched him up- just in time before Philly brought the ruin down for good. And good Seven, who had stayed outside for fear of the dark ruin, ended up with the glittering sword as booty.

After that, Miles had to save Eddy from a river spirit, from whom they snatched a glittering pearl. Afterwards, Miles and Monty's discussion about the map caused Ben to have to deal with a ghoul alone. Of course, they then took the wrong path and ran into two goblins, resulting in an incredibly ridiculous, because amateurish, fight. At least Miles was able to grab a few poisoned arrows and Eddy a magic powder that no one really wanted to investigate further.

"So," Leo said, flipping through his papers, "you guys set up camp for the night there at the edge of the woods. Philly builds a fire- the classic way-, Goldfinger strokes his glittering treasures, and Jessy cooks while Seven polishes his new sword. Suddenly you hear footsteps, turn around, and out of the woods comes... a beautiful woman, clad only in a see-through dress."

"Boo, how boring!" Ben grumbled.

Leo grinned. "Nice and in order. Okay, Seven, you notice her first. What are you doing?"

Ben shrugged. "What do you want me to do? It's a woman, I don't care." he grumbled in his best idiot impersonation. "I'll keep polishing my sword." Leaning back with a dreamy smile, he hinted at the matching hand movements.

"Jessy?"

"Um, yeah, I think... I'll ask what she's doing out here so lightly dressed this late at night," Miles replied slowly. As player he suspected something was amiss here, but, hand on heart, neither of them had many intelligence points and so far they had failed all intelligence challenges.

"The woman purrs a 'my, my, how unnecessary' and you forget your question almost immediately." Leo winked at him. "Goldfinger, you have the most charisma, don't you?"

Monty nodded with a skeptical raised eyebrow.

"The woman turns to you and clearly flirts with you, with sweet words, with gestures..." Leo wiggled his eyebrows meaningfully, but Monty merely grunted.

"I'm not interested. So sweetie, a little cold for nipple-free, what's up?"

A frown flitted across Leo's face, then he sighed. "Put in a desire demon, they said. It'll be fun, they said. Yeah, very fun in a gay squad."

"Hey." Miles- being bi, not gay- protested half-heartedly, and Leo sighed again.

"Philly?"

"Nope. Naked woman's not interesting. I'll get the sleeping places ready." Bored, Eddy inspected his fingernails.

"I see." Leo took a deep breath. "All right. Desire demon isn't a succubus, is it? So. The woman in the see-through dress transforms into a man, naked, tall, tanned. Pecs and abs shimmer as if oiled in the glow of the fire..."

"Well, now things are starting to look different," Monty grinned.

"Oh God, this is going to be awful," Miles muttered.

"And because the demon had just approached you, thus giving you his attention, you flirt back. Do you want to roll the dice on intelligence?" Leo smiled wickedly in Monty's direction.

"Always." Monty returned.

"You need an eighteen."

Monty nodded, rolling the dice boldly. "A seven." Frustrated he grunted.

"Nope. You don't notice anything." Leo nodded at him. "You're just looking up at this incredibly arousing creature and pray to be allowed to touch him." He nodded to Eddy. "Philly?"

"Oh, well, I'm not going to pass up a treat like that. I'm going over there and flirting hard." Eddy grinned and ran his fingers affectedly through his hair. "Hey, cutie, how convenient to meet you here and now..."

Leo, as straight as one of Jessy's arrows, screwed up his face for a moment. "Seven?"

"Yup. Sounds good to me. I want a piece too." Ben grinned dirty.

"That'll keep the sex demon busy tonight," Monty remarked with amusement, playing with his pencil. "I wasn't expecting a pen & paper orgy like this, but it sounds exciting."

"Take it easy," Miles interrupted him. "That's not fair. A woman I'd have to myself, and now I'm supposed to share this guy? No way. I want to go for intelligence, too."

"Knock yourself out," Leo returned, spreading his hands invitingly. "You still need an eighteen."

Eagerly, Miles rolled the dice. "A critical eighteen, baby."

"Oh well..."

"Passed!"

"I don't believe it," Eddy muttered, shaking his head. "Our first passed intelligence check."

"More luck than brains." Ben grumbled, amused.

"Such luck, my friend. All right, upset about the fact that the pretty woman just disappeared like that, your mind remains clear enough, despite the flirtation, to realize that something's not right here." Leo tilted his head.

"That's all? That's lousy," Monty interjected with a laugh. "As lousy as our minds."

"Okay. Now what? Can I do anything else?", Miles wanted to know a bit disappointed and Leo let his eyes wander.

"Philly, you being a mage, do you want to roll for intelligence?" Not that it would make much difference.

"Nope," Eddy promptly returned, "I want to get screwed."

"Do the Game Master, they said, it'll be fun, they said," Leo muttered after taking a deep breath, not for the first time, and casting a pleading look skyward. "Seven?"

"Nope. I want to fuck too." Ben's grin widened again, then he laughed. "Let's face it, I've got Intelligence 4, what do you think I'm noticing? Oh, the air tastes like balls."

Miles, Eddy and Monty laughed, while Leo half-horrified, half-questioning, made a face.

"How does- you know what, I don't want to know. No, I really don't." He added the last part facing Eddy and held a threatening finger in his face. "Fine. You three are under the demon's spell. Jessy, you're obviously annoyed. Our Mister Muscle notices and is flirting with you."

"I'm not just annoyed, I'm really pissed off by now," Miles coolly corrected. "And because this strange guy is the reason, I'm grabbing my bow."

"For God's sake! What are you trying to do?" Eddy squealed in horror.

"Oh.", Monty and Ben, on the other hand, made ominous.

"M-hm." went Leo, apparently thinking hastily, then rolling the dice for the demon. "You're shooting?"

"Yeah."

"Where?"

"Um..." Miles mused. "The guy's naked, right?"

Leo nodded. "What'll it be? Twitchy pecs? Tight abs?"

But Miles looked at his friends and grinned. "With a handsome naked guy like that, my gaze is inevitably drawn down" - Eddy groaned in horror - "and fixes on that magnificent mighty-"

"Oh, God!" both Monty and Ben went on in horror.

"Roll the dice on dexterity, will you?" Leo muttered, a wee bit higher than usual. "You need a, ah, fifteen."

"Sixteen. Boom, baby." Miles grinned a little more.

"What can I say?" Leo shrugged helplessly. "Your arrow neatly severes the... magnificent... and mighty... best piece."

Monty, Ben and Eddy groaned sympathetically, Eddy even pressing his hands protectively into his lap.

"The demon lets out a pained scream and stumbles back a step. His spell breaks for a moment. Goldfinger, what are you doing?"

"Um..." For a moment, Monty looked quite fittingly confused. "Am I clear enough to realize that Jessy did this?"

Leo nodded. "Yes, you are getting that."

"Okay. Then I'll punch him in the face," Monty stated matter-of-factly.

"Okay, fine. Goldfinger and Jessy are fighting." Nodding, Leo turned to Eddy. "And Philly?"

"I'm outraged. Horrified. Distraught. Traumatized!" Eddy sputtered like a drama queen. "And I feel pity."

"With a sex demon. Who probably wants to suck the life energy out of us," Miles remarked dryly. "Through our dicks."

"I wouldn't say no to a blowjob." Ben mumbled quietly.

"Yeah, damn, didn't you see his magnificent mighty member?" Eddy gestured wildly, nearly poking Leo in the eye with his pencil. "Dying during sex, what could be better?"

"Surviving so there's a second round?" Leo interjected cautiously, pushing Eddy's hand away from him.

"Not in this trade, apparently," Ben muttered.

"Okay, Phillibuster, what are you doing?" now Monty wanted to know, too.

Eddy sniffled. "I'm scraping together all my magic and trying a regeneration spell."

"So either the demon's about to have his own dick up his ass," Monty started, and Ben continued:

"Or he's about to grow something inside."

"Ew.", Miles made.

"Roll on intelligence... a twelve, that fits. And since you're not much for healing spells otherwise, now on dexterity, please..."

"A twelve again..."

"Well, Philly..." Leo smiled tensely. "Your spell is working. He's growing a new penis. But only a very small one."

"Heh, you can still screw him." Monty grinned, half relieved, half triumphant.

Miles rolled his eyes.

Eddy, on the other hand, grumbled a little morosely to himself.

"Seven?"

"I'm confused. This is happening too fast for me." the somewhat dim-witted warrior confessed, scratching his chin.

Everyone else sighed.

"Jessy, you're still fighting with Goldfinger...?", Leo then picked up the thread again and Miles nodded.

"Looks like it. Pissed off I am either way, so... I'll grab one of his throwing daggers and-"

"Don't you dare!" Monty hissed, fully in-character, in between.

"-and I'll aim again. At the dick. The new one, that is." Miles stuck his tongue out at Eddy, who crossed his arms in front of his chest in a huff.

"That's when I succeed in a spell, once. One time! And that's how I get thanked."

"Jessy, roll for dexterity and then strength." Leo sighed after rolling for the demon and apparently failing.

"A fifteen and an eighteen." Miles grinned. "I'm a lucky guy, dudes, look at me. I'm saving all your asses. Again."

"My ass doesn't want to be saved," Eddy whined.

"Oh shut up, the guy stole a throwing dagger from me," Monty grumbled at him.

"Wait, please." In a 'calm down' gesture, Leo raised his hands. "The throwing dagger slices off the second penis too, but also slashes the thigh in the process. The demon is bleeding real bad now and is so blindsided by the turn of events that he falls over backwards. Now, my dear Goldfinger."

"I'll keep beating on Jessy."

Miles didn't protest, but merely shrugged; he had expected nothing else.

"Philly?"

"I don't know. I'm traumatized."

"Okay. You drop down next to the bleeding guy, horrified and exhausted." Leo nodded. "Seven?"

This time Ben leaned back thoughtfully. "I'm a battle-hardened warrior, after all..."

"Oh God, what's next?" Miles muttered, getting a pat on the head from Monty.

"You're one to talk."

"...and that's why I see the guy is bleeding out. It's not pretty, he will suffer for quite a while. So I'm taking the throwing dagger and I'm cutting his throat. To make it quick."

"Why did I even bother?" Eddy whined softly.

"Yes well, the demon is defenseless and dies. Before your eyes he takes his true form, with clawed hands, hooves, horns and a tail. His skin turns gray-" Leo described in a mystical voice, but Ben interrupted him.

"What about the muscles? I mean, does it stay a guy?"

"Uh... yeah...?"

"Okay."

"Why?"

"Dude, I got a steel hard boner from that spell. As long as the nipples are still nice and perky, you can-" Ben let the sentence end with a matching gesture.

Leo's left eye twitched, his mouth was half open.

Miles turned to Monty. "Yo man, we'll just fight for a while longer, we won't even get it."

At first Monty looked like he was going to protest, but then Ben punctuated the story with loud groans and he nodded. "All right. Leo- Jessy and I are going to have another fight." Then he paused. "Damn, maybe he's got something nice on him. Uh, Seven, let me know when you're done, I want to loot."

Ben gave a long drawn out groan in response, but Eddy sighed. "The guy is naked, you greedy ass."

"Whose ass is greedy, huh?"

"Do the Game Master, they said," Leo muttered, slightly distraught, "it's fun, they said..."