The Secret Life of Billy Chase 5 - 1. Chapter 1

Tuesday - ..........Note to self.....

I may never...EVER...drink another drop of alcohol in my life! EVER again!

I have never felt so bad in all my days on this fucking planet! And I swear....if I throw up just ONE more time, I'm gonna hack up a freakin' TESTICLE!!!

I actually think I saw a piece of my Batman birthday cake from the fifth grade swishing around in the toilet this afternoon!

Yesterday is so....so blurry. My God, if it wasn't for this notebook, I doubt I would have remembered half of it. I VAGUELY remember having an argument with Brandon...but...I thought I kissed him at the door. Did we, like...make up or something? I thought I remembered kissing him. But according to this book...I fucked up everything...like, forever! :(

Brandon's never gonna let me anywhere near him OR Stevie ever again! He's never gonna TALK to me again! Trying to read through all of my scratch outs and sloppy handwriting...it looks like I totally ripped into him. Why did I DO that??? He bought me a 'Billy Bear'!!! He was being NICE!!! We were on the road to being able to TALK to one another again! How did I...? Ugh!!!!

GOD, my head hurts! Hurts to think right now! Even writing an exclamation point on a piece of paper makes my head feel like it's being run over by a monster truck.

Ok...so...I'll try to get my thoughts together to write this. But don't expect it to make much sense. Because all I can think right now is 'pain pain pain misery pain headache vomit pain misery'...and that makes it hard to write anything cohesive.

Ummmm...so needles to say...I'm in BIG trouble again. And I don't even KNOW what's going to happen to me at this point. Basically, Lee spent the night at Randall's house, and so did Jamie Cross because he was driving. And maybe a couple of people that I didn't know. But the second I woke up this morning, and the sun hit me...I suddenly felt like I was floating on air. I could LITERALLY see the walls and the ceiling start to tilt and sway in front of me...followed by that sickening feeling in my stomach. Then it felt like something was swelling up under my tongue, and even though I was still majorly dizzy, I managed to get to a nearby garbage can and basically filled it a quarter of the way with last night's dinner. I carried the can with me until I could make it to the bathroom, but by the time I got there, a majority of the inner stomach 'fireworks' had already been played out. Not that there wasn't another show to begin in a couple of minutes.

Randall and Lee were really worried about me, and Jamie kept trying to get me to eat some bread or toast or something. But the second anything touched my lips, I was sent running back to the bathroom again.

Oh God... :(

I just spent all morning throwing up in front of three of the cutest boys in the WORLD! I could seriously CRY right now!!!

Needless to say, I couldn't go to school today. And when I kept getting sick, Lee had to call my mom. Sighhh...yeah....my mom.

Evidently, he made up a story about me sleeping over to watch videos and all last night after it got quiet to let her know I was ok. Not a story my mom was likely to fall for in the first place. But then to call back this morning and have to tell her the truth...well, that was the second most humiliating experience of the day. Possibly my life. My mom read everybody the riot act for the alcohol, threatened to get Randall's brothers in trouble with the police, got Lee in trouble with HIS folks...it was a big mess! Luckily Jamie actually left for school before she got there, or it would have been a billion times worse. If Jamie Cross got in trouble because of me, he'd never even spit in my direction ever again. And why should he? My life is SO over!

She had to help me out to the car, and I had to take a stupid mop bucket with me...which I thought was stupid, but I'm glad I did. Because I had another 'out-of-stomach-experience' on the way home. With her yelling at me about being irresponsible and out of control and all for the entire ride. It was all 'disappointed' this, and 'unacceptable' that...and the whole I time I just wished that I could pass out again and wake up later when it didn't hurt so much.

She shoved me into the shower when I got home, put clean sheets on my bed, and made me some garlic bread with cheese on it. I don't know why...but considering I had lost like 20 pounds in the last hour and a half alone, it felt good to eat SOMETHING. I actually wolfed it down, and she set three bottles of water next to my bed. You'd think that it was this loving 'mother helps her only son to feel better' type of thing...like back when I had the chicken pox. But believe me....it was nothing like that. She didn't smile once. She took my temperature with the back of her hand, but it was more like a slap in the head than anything even remotely affectionate. I was called every name in the book, and reminded repeatedly that this was going waaaaaay too far. She slammed drawers, and slammed down a bucket next to my bed, just in case, and then slammed my bedroom door shut. And that was hours ago. She actually took the day off of work today...and she is PISSED!!!

Seriously...I've been sleeping on and off for the last 7 hours straight, with the blanket over my head...feeling my head throb and my eyes about to burst every time I inhaled a breath of air. (I never knew oxygen could HURT so much!) But now...she's like...practically 'pacing' outside my bedroom door like a hungry tiger. I'm...I'm kinda scared to get out of bed. I should just stay here for a few more hours. Maybe she won't...strangle the shit out of me. If I can just stay here until she goes to sleep...maybe she'll be too tired to like...I don't know...chop me up and bury me in the backyard or something. Here's hoping.

Now...the MAJOR thing on my mind right now...one of the FEW things I can remember clearly from last night...is who the FUCK kissed me before I passed out????

It's seriously been bugging me more than anything else today! I'm so damn MAD at myself for not getting out of that bed or at least turning the light on to see who it was! My head was spinning sooooo much. I just...I was just feeling good, and I thought...sighhhh...

Ok, so I was a bit too green in the face this morning to really notice anything different about the other boys in the kitchen with me. But when I think back to it...Randal DID kinda keep looking at me with a big smile on his face all morning. I mean...maybe he was just amused at me being hung-over and sick for the first time...but...he's so OBVIOUSLY gay, that it would be my first choice. And...I mean...it IS his house. It makes sense that he would be the one to cover me up in his bed. Right?

Then again...Lee has a lot of gay tendencies himself. That's for sure. And he HAS been awfully flirty and cute with me lately. Wanting to hang out and undressing in front of me and all. Plus...he DID say that he would 'definitely' fool around with me. Considering the way that kiss nearly lifted me right off of the mattress and sent me floating up the ceiling...I imagine only a boy like Lee could kiss another boy that way. But...then again...

Oh GOD...I just got a shiver that went through me! Now that I think about it...Jamie did leave awfully sudden this morning. I mean, he was being really sweet and lovable today. He kept trying to get me to eat and giving me suggestions on how to get better. I mean...he really cared about me. Could HE have been the one to put me to bed last night? Is that why he really stayed behind? To see if I'd be alright? OMIGOD...did I kiss Jamie Cross on the mouth last night?????????????? Did I....JESUS...did I feel his hot blond package with my hand???? WAIT!!! Noooo!!! Arrrgh!!! What the fuck HAPPENED last night???

Everything is so blurry, I could have woken up next to a freakin' naked GORILLA smiling at me, and not known what the hell I had done until it was too late!

My mind is so warped right now, but I keep getting flashes of what happened last night. And it only made the questions worse.

What if me feeling Sam up last night, and his drinking, loosened him up to the idea of kissing his best friend on the lips?

What if me spending all this time with Trace, and possibly giving off that hidden gay vibe that I seem to be giving everybody, finally paid off. And HE'S the one who French kissed me on the bed! He knows alcohol better than anybody. And he WAS watching me close last night.

What if Jimmy broke away from AJ and went to take care of me? I'm his first love, after all. What if I caught him by surprise, and he took advantage of the moment to get another smooch from his favorite boy?

What if Bobby still has lingering feelings for me, and once he saw Brandon and Stevie leave...came to check on me. What if he hesitated because he didn't want to fall for me all over again? And then gave in at the last minute. Bobby was sooo hurt by our break up...it would make sense that he wouldn't want to dive in head first again.

Sighhh...this driving me crazy! I could have made out with my MOM at that party and not known it!

Speaking of which....here she comes! I'm gonna pretend to be asleep! The longer I can prolong this massive punishment, the better! Write more later!

- Billy (Evidently...some mysterious guy's bitch!)