Bad Seed - 6. Chapter 6

School a place meant to build you up and prepare you for the world. Given the right elements and circumstances can tear you down and destroy your outlook on the future. In prison, good behavior gets you a second chance, an opportunity at early freedom. In school, it seems good behavior just makes things harder. You look around at the kids who skip class all the time, who smoke in the bathrooms and somehow they seem better off. Sometimes you have to stop and wonder why you bother in the first place. Sure they won’t have the grades you have but their not necessarily failing. And they might end up in detention or even suspended but that’s laughable it’s self. To suspend someone who’s been skipping school asinine. The entire idea of school just seemed to aggravate Kyle lately.

It had been just under a week since Kyle and Martin had confronted one another in the halls that morning. In that time to the surprise of many there had been little to no disturbances in the halls. At least not involving those two. Kyle was able to walk to class without having his books sent flying to ground. Able to complete the mile run for gym class without having his shorts suddenly pulled down exposing his underwear or having dirt thrown in his face. No fights, no arguments and no looking over his shoulder on the way home. After a week of this apparently cease-fire, Kyle was more on edge than ever. For him this week had been much like pulling the pin on a grenade and it not going off.

Sure, there’s the one in a million chance that it’s a dud and that it won’t go off at all. More likely; you’ll be standing around thinking about the grenade that never went off, right around the time that it does go off. It was a cruel irony, here Martin and his friends had finally backed off and he wasn’t able to find any peace. That’s how it was, how it always was. Once they target you, once they make you feel like the things they’re saying are true; even for a second. Somewhere in your mind that imposed truth will always be there. If they can be little you enough, just enough to make you flinch, to make you doubt yourself; then you will.

The people were same, the location was the same but Kyle was different. His out look, his perspective it had all changed. They still stared and they still said things under their breaths but he didn’t care much. He found that lately, he didn’t care about a whole lot. It was just after third period Kyle was leaving his English class, books in hand he headed for his locker to exchange books and get ready for fourth period. There was more chatter than usual in the halls this time, more students lingering. They all seemed to to be talking about something and of course Kyle would be the last to know as he wasn’t exactly in the social hotline. As he continued down the halls the chatter seemed to get louder and he wondered just what was up. Knowing better than to ask anyone he continued on his way to his locker. As he came around the corner to his locker it was like déjà vu. Kids were standing around his locker and littering the halls in the area. As he grew closer he tried to peer through the mass of kids to see what was so exciting. Even this group couldn’t find the magazine photos so exhilarating a second time around.

Before he knew what was happening Brian broke free of the crowd and ran up to him. “…Kyle don’t freak out man ok? We’ll just skip for the rest of the day, screw them!”

“What is it?”

“Lets just get out of here alright?”

“What is it?

“Kyle…

“Brian…tell me what it is or get out of my way”! he yelled, gaining the attention of several of those gathered. As they turned to see Kyle there was laughter, there was shock and a few of the students seemed generally afraid. Seeing Brian standing there with his head to the ground he moved pass him quickly and roughly made his way through the crowd and towards his locker.
As he pushed and shoved passed the last few students standing near his locker it was almost as though he’d lost his breath. He took in an noticeable breath as he looked on and it was some time indeed before he released it. There it was right in front of him, in front of everyone. That word: FAG, in bright red lettering painted across his locker. It was shouted at him in passing everyday, notes were passed and whispers were made but to see the word. To actually visualize the insult was so much worse. When they said it to him he could shake it off and keep moving, the notes were ignored and he pretended to not hear the whispers. But there was no shaking this off, there was no way to pretend he didn’t see it.

If it had been a racial slur, they’d sympathize. Had it been a simple matter of childish name calling; they’d look down on the victimizer instead. And if he was the popular guy he used to be his friends would be standing there at this side. It didn’t garner much sympathy and for the time being it seemed the responsible party wasn’t yet on their minds. And finally, the unfortunate truth; while a large portion of the student body had gathered there in that hall. Crowded around that single locker, there was not a single friendly face. As Kyle allowed the shock to fall away and moved his eyes away from that word for the first time in several minutes. He saw, laughter, pointing fingers, furrowed brows and crude jesters. He knew somewhere back their was Brian shaking his head and feeling bad about the situation but that wasn’t the same. He’d be upset about the popular kids having another laugh at someone’s expense. It just wasn’t the same as truly being upset about what happened to Kyle.

He was moving before he realized it; staggered breathing as he went. He half expected himself to tear off through the school looking for the first person who even looked a bit guilty. And from the looks of several gathered there it wouldn’t surprise many of them. But he surprised himself, stepping forward, holding back watery eyes and fighting the feeling. Choking down the last of his tears he put in his combination and opened the locker. Taking a slight pause as he placed his books in the locker it was a moment or two before he pulled the others out. It was just a moment, a few seconds jumbled together. A very brief period of time; but he felt it and he recognized the feeling all to well. He’d just found an inner strength and just like that; with a single word, they’d taken it way from him. Closing his locker he turned back towards the mass of students and made his way through the crowd. He said not a word to anyone, what could he say really? He didn’t make eye contact, more afraid of the look on his face then that which he might find. There were so many ways he could have reacted, things he could have said and done. Part of him wanted to start swinging , part of him wanted to run off and cry. And then for just a moment there was that part of him that perhaps expected or hoped that someone else would step up and say something, do something.

He couldn’t just stand there, he couldn’t look to his friend for help and waiting for sympathy from this pack of jackals was futile. He was nearly in shock, as he made his way down the hall. What could he do? What should he do? It was the worst thing that could have happened in his mind. When they label you, when they force you to stand out all you want to do is fit in. You want to merge with the crowd and drop off their radar. As much as you try to play yourself down and disappear in plain sight, it doesn’t help. You make yourself miserable just to get by day after day. And for what? They’ll never let you forget that you don’t belong. Even in a year or so when the shock value is gone and they’ve found something new to talk about. They still won’t let him feel normal. He went right passed Brian as he called after him. He ignored the teachers as they began to order everyone to clear the hall and head to class. And he didn’t stop once the principal began to call his name. He simply continued down through the building and out the front doors.