A Strained Anniversary - 1. A Strained Anniversary

Instead, he was sitting in his car in an age-worn parking lot for a dilapidated road-side diner. As much as he did not want to be there, it had been he who arranged for this rendezvous; there was no way he could allow his anxiety to get the best of him.

"You need closure," Will reminded himself aloud, taking on his best psychologist tone.

"If that doesn't work, lose all sense of dignity and get down on your knees and beg for him to take you back," he added hastily.

"No, stop being stupid; we both have plenty of common ground, and we're rational adults. We both still love each other. Meeting in public will force us to keep our composure, and if we can resolve our differences, I'm sure we will get back together," he continued, readopting his professional demeanor.

"And fuck, now you're arguing with yourself out loud, Dr. Drake. Physician, heal thyself," he said, unable to stifle a chuckle.

He glanced at the clock on the dashboard, and realized the man he was scheduled to meet with would be arriving shortly. Will had purposely arrived an hour early. While he liked to be punctual, that was not his only rationale. He figured there was a bit of a power in being the first to arrive - it turned the neutral, if familiar location into something of a home-field advantage. He would be calm and collected when Jason arrived, while Jason would have just finished his shift without much time to relax. It was a cold and calculating tactic, but Will rationalized it was worth it, since it had been nearly impossible to convince Jason to meet him.

Three minutes before the scheduled 7:30 meeting, an older car flew down the highway before fishtailing into the parking lot and skidding to a stop beside Will's car. Though both cars' windows were up, Will could distinctly make out the words to the rap song blaring from the other car's speakers and could feel the bass thumping. Suddenly the music stopped as the other car turned off, and a tall, imposing black man stepped out of the car wearing a wife-beater and sweatpants.

"Shit. So much for getting an advantage by showing up early," Will thought to himself, "but damn, if he doesn't know how to make an entrance." He turned off his own car and stepped outside.

"Hey," Will said, walking over to the other man. He wasn't sure what level of contact was appropriate for the situation, so he just stood awkwardly in front of him.

"Hey. So you wanted to talk?" Jason responded.

"Well, yeah, but I figured we could at least start with a little small-talk, maybe have some dinner, and just see what happens."

"Same rules as before? Remember, you called me."

"Sure, I set the date, so I'm buying, just like old times."

"This isn't a date, let's just get that clear. You called me and said you wanted to talk. That's all I'm here for."

"What the hell, Jason? What's with your attitude today? We've been through a lot together. I just wanted the chance to try to clear the air a bit. Besides, I missed you."

Jason sighed. "Yeah, I guess you're right, sorry. Why don't we grab a seat, and we can talk. I missed you too. Did you remember to make a reservation? This place is packed," he added, glancing around the parking lot at the four other cars, at least three of which belonged to the staff.

The bell rang as they opened the door, and the elderly waitress quickly stubbed out her cigarette and came over.

"Well I'll be damned, if it ain't Will and Jason!" she cackled in a gravely and raspy voice that obviously came from years of chain smoking. "I ain't seen y'all in a bit. Welcome back. The food's shit like usual, so that can't be why y'all keep coming back here."

"Hi, Darla, how's my favorite gal?" Jason asked, kissing her on the cheek.

"Oh stop it, I bet you say that to all the girls. Of course, I know it's all a bunch of bull coming from you anyway; it's the boys you're really interested in. Oh well, it never hurts for an old woman to dream of a hunky, young detective coming in to sweep her off her feet. A shrink would do in a pinch as well," she added with a cackle, pinching Will's cheek.

Had any other customers been present, they might have been shocked by the familiarity she showed the two men. However, Jason and Will had been coming to this diner at least once a week for over a year, although it had been a month since they'd last met there. It was almost exactly half-way between their homes, so it made a good meeting place when neither could get away for more than an evening.

"Well take your pick of tables, huns. Whatcha want to drink?"

"I'll have water," Will said.

"Coffee for me, and don't bother brewing any fresh. I want the swill that's been on the burner since this morning," Jason replied.

"Honey, you must have grown senile while you were away. I had no plans on brewing fresh coffee for you," Darla said with another cackle as she wandered back to the kitchen.

Jason and Will sat down in a booth and sat in uncomfortable silence for a minute before Will spoke.

"Long day? You don't normally drink much coffee outside of work."

"Long week. The case Maria and I are on has been kicking my ass. I was actually late leaving the precinct because I was stuck in an interview that wouldn't end. I didn't even have time to change and ended up pushing the old beater as fast as it would go to get here on time, hence the entrance and my stylish duds."

"Well, I can't speak for the sweats, but you definitely pull the wife-beater off," Will said, turning red when he realized he had spoken aloud.

"Um, thanks," Jason replied awkwardly. "So what have you been up to?"

"Pretty much just work. I spent a couple evenings hanging out with Noah. Actually, Scott and Noah had me over for dinner last night."

Noah, Will's best friend had married his boyfriend, Scott, a month earlier. In the year they had been together, they - along with Noah's five-year-old son, Zach - had been through a lot, and had gotten through it with the help of Will, Jason, and other friends, but this isn't their story. It was actually the morning of their wedding that Jason and Will conceded to each other that their relationship seemed beyond repair, and that was the last day either had seen each other.

"How are the newlyweds?"

"You know how they are. They're straight out of an alternate-world Norman Rockwell painting. Oh, and Zach asked about you."

"I'm surprised Scott didn't."

"I don't think either of them has spoken your name around me since the wedding. Sometimes I feel like they're walking on eggshells around me, especially Scott."

"Actually, that doesn't surprise me. You of all people know how well he handles grief. He's probably afraid you're just putting up a façade; it'll break the moment he mentions my name, and you'll instantly turn into a quivering mass on the floor. You won't, will you?"

Will forced a smile. "No, don't be ridiculous." He was not lying, although there had been a few occasions he had felt like he would. That was part of the reason for this dinner, but Will felt it was far too early to begin that part of the conversation.

Darla finally arrived with the drinks, dropped them off, and walked away without a word. One of the reasons both men liked meeting at this diner was they never felt rushed or pestered by the staff - well, by Darla. The service left a lot to be desired, and the food was only mediocre, but the location and privacy was perfect for the two of them. On a few occasions in the past, their meet-ups had turned to make-out sessions in the booths, before the two ventured to the restroom to finish what they had started. That definitely wasn't on the agenda tonight.

Both men stared at their drinks for a few minutes. The brief discussion had exhausted the small talk both men felt comfortable talking about without broaching their relationship.

Suddenly, Jason said, "Well, I'm ready to order, you?"

Will nodded.

"Darla," Jason called out, "we'll each have the usual."

"You mean whatever I decide to bring you?"

"Exactly."

Another minute passed in silence between the two, before Jason once again broke it.

"So how are you doing?"

It took Will a few moments to collect his thoughts, even though he'd been obsessing about them for the past few days. "I'm doing alright. Some moments I'm perfectly fine. Others, I'm… well, not. I think about you a lot… how about you?"

"Pretty much the same. You know, it's funny, all we did was fight that last month or so, but not speaking to you this past month has been hard."

"You know what today is, right?"

"Yeah. One year ago, today, we gave up the pretenses we were just exploring our friendship and decided to be honest with each other," Jason replied quietly.

"It was also the first night we made love," Will added.

"I definitely will never be able to forget that night. What we had was special, Will, but there's been too much damage done. Is that why you wanted to get together - to see if we can work things out?"

"Not entirely, but that was definitely part of my agenda," Will conceded.

"Well, for the record, my position remains the same. I enjoy living in Macon, and I love my job. I love you, but I can't take the distance anymore. I need someone who can be there to support me when I have a shitty day, and talking on the phone just doesn't cut it for me. If you aren't willing to relocate to be with me, I really have nothing to add."

"The fuck, Jason? Conceited much? Every one of your reasons is 'me', 'me', 'me'!" Will responded, raising his voice a little.

"Go figure, more psychobabble from the great head-shrinker," Jason cut back, his voice rising to an actual yell.

"Hey, none of that! Be civil or get the fuck out of the restaurant," Darla hollered from her table.

"Sorry," Jason called back.

"That's the other reason I wanted to meet here. You and I needed to talk, and I knew Darla would keep it from escalating into a shouting match. Anyway, I may hate your reasons, but you're not wrong. I was having trouble with the distance too. Everything at the clinic is really falling into place for me, and as much as I want to move in with you, I just can't yet… maybe in a few years."

"I know, but I just can't wait for such a non-specific length of time. I know it's selfish of me, but I have needs."

"What if we opened up the relationship? We can keep our romantic relationship intact, but see other people as needed to take care of our needs," Will hesitantly suggested.

"That's not a relationship, and you know it. Besides, you and I know I'm a jealous person. If you were sleeping with someone else, I'd be torn between worrying you'd leave me for them and wanting to bust them in the jaw for touching my man."

"I know, I'm just trying to think of ways we can make this work."

"That's just it, Will. I'm not even talking about sexual needs. I'm talking about when I've had a bad day at work and I need to vent. Hearing your voice through a speaker in a phone only helps so much when I want you to wrap your arms around me and hold me. And it goes the other way, too. You've called me to bitch about a tough day, and it sucks to not be able to give you the support you deserve, so don't think I'm just thinking selfishly."

"You're right. I'm sorry I called you conceited. Even though you worded it that way, I knew exactly what you meant. All I know is I love you, and I want to try to make our relationship work."

"I love you, too, but it seems like we're stuck at an impasse. For the record, I don't fault you for not being able to move, and I know you would if you felt like you could without sacrificing all your hard work. I mean that, regardless of what I've said in the past when we've fought."

Will took a moment to wipe a tear from his eye. "Thank you, Jason. You have no idea how much that means to me. It really had gotten to the point I didn't think you knew."

"Oh, and I just remembered, I think I actually have an anniversary gift for you. Let me check to see; it should still be in the car," Jason said, hopping out of the booth and walking towards the door before Will could say anything.

Will's mind was running non-stop while Jason was gone. While one could argue they had not officially broken up, he had been under the impression that their parting of ways at Scott and Noah's wedding had been something of a goodbye. They had spoken a few times on the phone since, but the calls had been brief and did not include anything truly bordering on affection between the two. Even the call he had made to arrange this dinner had felt tense and awkward.

Will had not bought anything for Jason to commemorate their anniversary, and he certainly was not expecting Jason to purchase a gift. The few minutes Jason was outside, Will kept glancing to make sure he had not driven off, but sure enough the car stayed where it was parked, and a few minutes later Jason returned with a small, unwrapped box.

"I'm not sure how appropriate it is, but I still want you to have this," Jason said, handing him the box.

Will hesitatingly took the box. "I should have gotten you something. I tried to find a gift, but everything seemed either too personal or not personal enough. I just couldn't decide what to give as an anniversary gift to someone after we broke up. Of course, now I feel even worse about it, since you got me a gift. Given everything, I'm not sure I feel comfortable accepting it. I mean, we've both admitted our relationship is not going to work," he responded.

"Please, I want you to have it. I bought this a couple months ago, just before everything started to turn to shit between us. I was going to save it for our anniversary - well, for tonight - but you're right it's a little awkward given everything. If you don't want it, feel free to regift it or pawn it, or whatever. Actually, I'd completely forgotten about it as everything devolved between us. You're just lucky I never clean out my car. So… um… yeah, happy anniversary, I guess," Jason rambled.

Will opened the box, revealing a nice silver watch, which immediately brought a fresh tear to Will's eye. "You remembered," he said wistfully.

"That you're crap watch died on you and you were too cheap to replace? Yeah, I remembered. I also remember how you complained that it was difficult to see the clock from your chair during your sessions without looking like you were shifting around uncomfortably. I noticed you still aren't wearing a watch."

"Yeah, I ended up moving things around in my office so I could see it better, but I guess now I didn't have to. Thank you so much. Now I really feel like shit for not getting you anything," Will said.

"You shouldn't. I'm glad you called; this has been nice so far. If I'm being completely honest, I've been a bit down the past week or so, dwelling on what we had and dreading our anniversary. When you called, I wasn't exactly thrilled about the idea, and really wanted to hang up on you. I'm really glad I didn't."

"Yeah, this is better than expected. It almost feels like old times… except not at all. Does that even make sense?"

"I guess. I think I understand what you mean. Remember the night we met? I kept trying to talk to Maria and her husband, but they kept ignoring me. It was so awkward sitting next to this cute guy and not being able to figure out what to say," Jason said, abruptly changing the topic.

"Tell me about it," Will responded with a laugh. "Not only was I in the same boat, but I really only had Noah to talk to, who was usually too busy making googly-eyes at Scott. Things were really awkward between us then. Hell, they're still awkward; not that I really have anyone to blame but myself."

"Honestly, I blame Scott more than you. I asked him about it one time, and his version really casts you as a something of a movie villain. Sure, you fucked up, but you were honest about it and tried to undo the damage you caused. If Scott can't deal with it, then whatever."

"Yeah, and if it wasn't for Noah, I would have walked away and washed my hands clean of the whole mess. I just wish Scott would realize I've learned my lesson and won't try to interfere, or anything. Hell, even at dinner last night, as soon as we were done eating, Scott rushed to take the dog out back, supposedly to play. All Scott did was sit on the deck and smoke in silence."

Darla plodded over with two plates, dropping them loudly on the table. As usual, Will was surprised when neither broke on impact.

"Here you go, boys. Enjoy," she rasped, before returning to her smoldering cigarette.

The two men picked at their food for several minutes without a word. As usual, it was decent, but nothing special.

"Remember the first time we chose this place?" Will asked suddenly.

"Of course. It was about a week after we met. We had talked on the phone a few times, and really wanted to try to meet up, but neither of us could get away."

"Yeah, and you suggested that seedy motel just down the road. When you brought that up, I was beginning to think you only listened to my story just to get me in bed."

Will chuckled. "I'd completely forgotten about the motel! I was so focused on getting to know you and just wanted to be able to see you, I didn't even think about how it would come across. When you freaked out, I had no idea why. I picked it because it would be private, and we could get comfortable while we talked."

"Well thank God for the Internet. If it weren't for the fact you found this place, I'm not sure I ever would have agreed to meet with you again. Why were you so scared of being seen in public anyway? You never seemed to have a problem showing your affection when I visited you, but everywhere else, you seemed to close up. You never would explain it, either."

"It's stupid."

"I'm sure it is, but after everything, can't I finally get an answer?"

Will thought for a moment and sighed. "Yeah, I guess you deserve one. I never told you because it makes me sound a little racist. It's because -"

"I'm black?" Jason cut in angrily, his body tensing and fire burning in his eyes. "You were embarrassed to be seen in public with a black man? Is that it?"

"Oh, God, no! No, Jason. I don't give a damn that you're black, and you know it. This is Georgia, for fuck's sake. I was worried how people would act to - not just an interracial couple, but a gay one at that. I know I live in an isolated liberal bubble in a sea of racist homophobes. I've always felt like I could be myself in Atlanta, but was always afraid that showing another man affection outside the city would be opening myself up to a lynch mob. And yes, the fact you're black compounded my fears of some redneck starting shit. I'd like to think I would be just as standoffish if you were white, but we'll never know, will we? I never dated anyone long-distance before you, so it's not like I have much experience to rely on."

Jason's demeanor softened while Will spoke. "Why were you always so afraid to bring it up? I can understand where you're coming from, but the two of us together could take down some homophobic prick. Besides, if someone attacks me, they're attacking a police officer. It won't matter that I'm gay, or black, or whatever, they'd be in for a world of hurt."

"What if it wasn't one person who came after us? What if they were armed? I know you're always carrying, but it only takes one shot. I couldn't live with myself if I got you hurt - or even killed - just because I wanted to hold your hand," Will admitted, confessing to one of his biggest fears about their relationship.

"Will, I understand that," Jason said, placing his hand on Will's. "You didn't answer my question, though. We were together for nearly a year. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I honestly don't know. I think it's because I felt like I always had to be the 'strong one' emotionally. You were still getting over the death of Joey when we first met, and I felt like I couldn't show any weakness when you needed my support. By the time our relationship really took off, I felt like it was already too late to say anything."

Joey, Jason's boyfriend of several years, was a detective with the Atlanta Police Department when he'd been killed two years prior, while responding to a robbery at a store. In a cruel twist of fate, it was the same robber who had killed Scott's first husband a few days prior. When Jason had discovered the connection, he reached out to Scott. Through Scott, Jason met Will.

"That's stupider than your fears over PDA. We were in a relationship, which involves give and take on both sides. If you're constantly afraid I'm going to break if you show weakness, the relationship is doomed from the start."

"I know, and once we'd established the relationship, I was more than willing to talk about my problems. I waited too long to say something about that, since it was largely irrational, but it scared me so badly. By the time I was comfortable enough to bring it up, I knew you would be mad at me for waiting, so I just kept silent about it. I kept telling myself I was being stupid, and I needed to get over it, but I just couldn't."

"We kissed in these booths a number of times. You were never afraid to show affection here."

"Yes, I was, at least at first. After a while, I came to realize how safe we were here. No one ever comes in, and Darla doesn't pay attention to anything. Do you Darla?" Will called out to the waitress.

"Not a damn thing," she called back, not glancing their way as she lit a new cigarette off the butt of her previous one.

"Anyway, I felt like I could be myself here, something I've struggled with when we went out while I visited you. Most of the time, we were either in your apartment or at Maria's house, and I felt comfortable showing you the affection you deserved there."

"Is that part of the reason you won't move to Macon? I swear, if it is, I'm going to be so pissed you always hid behind -"

"No! God, no, Jason. I would move to Macon in a heartbeat to be with you. I would push through my insecurities, and make it work. The only reason I can't move is because of my job, I swear on my life."

"Ok, I believe you. Any other big concerns about our relationship you never bothered to mention? It seems like tonight's a good night for confessions."

Will cast his eyes downward at his nearly-empty plate. "Yeah… one."

"… And that would be what, exactly?"

"That you're a cop. I was always nervous when you didn't answer my call, or were running late. My mind went into overdrive that something had happened. A few times, I even began scouring the web, looking for stories that would confirm my worst fears."

"You know that's something everyone dating or married to a cop is scared shitless of, right?" Jason asked, forcing a weak smile. "Ok, my confession time. Not wanting to leave Macon wasn't just because I love it and my partner. I've never felt safer in the line of duty. In the eighteen months I've been there, I've drawn my gun twice, and never had to pull the trigger. In Atlanta, I probably pulled my gun twice a week at least and definitely had to use it more than once. I couldn't do that to you. I know what spouses of cops go through, and being together in Macon would be easier for you than us being together in Atlanta."

"Remember what you said about give and take?" Will said angrily. "Why didn't you tell me about any of this?"

"Because I'm a macho cop who's not supposed to be afraid of anything. Then there's my street cred. What would all my homies say if they found out I was afraid to get in a turf war?"

Will couldn't help but laugh, his anger momentarily forgotten. "What street cred? You grew up in a gated community in Philly, and attended the snobbiest private school in town. I'm more thug than you."

"Living in the ghetto does not automatically make you 'thug'," Jason chastised with a chuckle. "It just means you imagine yourself to be some kind of urban pioneer, willing to move to 'transitioning' neighborhoods that will get better, once the 'undesirable elements' are removed."

"Yeah, basically. The hood would be a far better place if it weren't for all the - no, I love my neighborhood. I have great neighbors, and there's a great sense of community. Personally, I feel like the crime rate has fallen to the point everyone could take their security bars down and breathe a little easier."

"Why don't you start, then? Be a trendsetter," Jason teased.

"Yeah, and get broken into, since it'd be the only unit without bars? No thank you!"

"Ah, the in-town neighborhoods, the only place I've ever been where 'keeping up with the Jones's' only extended as far as security systems."

Both men chuckled at their banter before Will became serious again.

"If I work on dealing with my concerns about your safety, would you be willing to consider transferring back to the APD?"

"No, Will. I never lied about my reasons for wanting to stay. There are a lot fewer officers, and more likelihood of me continuing to move up the ranks than if I go back to Atlanta. Hell, going back would probably end up with me being unable to move up the ranks, since it would look like I can't make up my mind about where I want to be. Macon is a great town, if unexciting, and I don't know if I could ever leave Maria. The schools are so much better, and she loves not having to worry about her kids falling into the wrong crowd.

"Besides, even if you could get over your fears, which you won't be able to, if Maria's husband is any indication, there's the simple fact I would constantly be worried about how you would cope if something happened to me."

The two men grew silent, neither sure where to take the conversation. Both pushed the remnants of their meals around their plates to occupy themselves through the awkward silence.

"Remember when we helped Noah propose?" Will asked suddenly, once again trying to bring the conversation back to happier times.

"Yeah, that was a wild night. I never expected to break into a cemetery after-hours. I felt like a grave robber. Remember when the security guard tried to stop us? I was positive he was going to call the cops!"

"I never saw you that frightened before. You almost got paler than me when he yelled at us to freeze."

"Yeah, but you looked like you were going to shit your pants. At least I regained my composure enough to explain what we were doing. He was a huge help setting out all those tea candles and lighting them. I'm not sure Noah thought through the logistics of lighting five hundred tea candles with only a few minutes' notice."

"By the way, he still doesn't know we stayed there and watched from the distance. It was such a romantic scene; even the security guard wiped a tear from his eyes when they kissed. Your arms were wrapped tightly around me, and you kissed my cheek. It's one of my favorite memories from our relationship."

"Mine, too."

Remember what you said to me?"

"Yeah, I do, but do we really have to go there?"

"You said, 'someday, that'll be us.' Funny how life doesn't work out how you expect, huh?"

"I'm not sure funny is the right word, Will," Jason said softly.

Darla came by again, this time with plates of pie. While the dinner was always mediocre, the pie was usually amazing.

"Not tonight, Darla. I think I'm ready to get out of here," Jason said.

"I thought you'd say that. Sometimes love isn't enough, dolls. If you aren't willing to fight for it, it'll slip away from you," Darla said, placing the check on the table. Will quickly pulled out his wallet and dropped two twenties, not even looking at the amount due.

Without a word, the men slipped out of the booth and walked towards the door. Just before reaching their cars, they stopped, unsure how to say 'goodbye', and knowing this would probably be the last time.

"Well, thanks for meeting me. At least we got some closure."

"Yeah, it was nice."

Will opened his door. Just before he closed it, Jason called out to him.

"Hey, Will!"

"Yeah?"

"Same time next week?"

"Same rules as before, right?"

"Yeah, I request the date, so I pay."