That Feeling - 12. Change

When Clark calls me, I’m in bed pining over my currently miserable life. I skipped football, which I’ll get hell for, but I don’t give a shit to be honest, so it doesn’t even matter. That’s pretty much what I’ve decided, that nothing even matters, so why even care? Caring has become the enemy at this point because it leads to all the other feelings I don’t want to feel anymore. My mom gave me a look when I walked in, but stayed silent. Obviously my dad said something to her, because she hasn’t mentioned having a ‘talk’ since the other day, but I know that our day is coming soon, especially if I can’t force myself to actually stand up straight, smile, and do more than nod in her general direction, because she’ll want to drive me to a shrink or something I have no interest in.

But for some reason Clark calling makes things seem a little better. Because him calling me makes me not feel so alone. Not that Carson hasn’t been calling all afternoon, with me ignoring her calls. I’m not even sure why I am. She’s been nothing but great, but just the sound of her voice reminds me of how much shit has been building up around me.

“Hello.”

“Hey! Caleb! It’s me, Clark. Well, you probably guessed that, right? Who else sounds like Jack from Will and Grace? Did you ever watch that? Sorry- I’m rambling. Anyways, how are you doing?”

I take a deep breath. “Honestly?”

“Of course. Honesty is the best policy.”

“Shitty.”

“Oh. I’m- uh- sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah.”

“So, like, do you wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t know. Yes. No. I don’t know.”

“Well, like, what’s the problem?”

I chuckle. “What isn’t the problem?”

“Well, do your parents know about you being gay?”

“My dad does. My mom- I don’t know. I haven’t told her.”

“And how does your dad feel about it?”

“He’s cool about it.”

“Well, I’m jealous already. I’m out to my parents and my dad can barely hold in his resentment. What about Avery? Don’t y’all date?”

“Well, uh, not anymore.”

“Oh.”

“She kissed Knox Brashier at Carson Newman’s party this past weekend. Right in front of me.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah, and then she found out about me being- you know.”

“Tall? Humorless? Depressed?”

“Gay.”

“I know. It’s not a cuss word, you know.”

“Yeah.”

“So who all does knows?”

“My dad. My sister. Carson. Sara. Avery. Jake. Knox. You. These weird freshmen at lunch.”

“How’d Jake take it?”

“Um.” I contemplated what to say. “Interestingly.”

“You had sex with him, didn’t you?”

“What?”

“Look, I know Jake’s your friend and all, and I can tell by how you said that that something happened, so I’m gonna tell you something that’s kind of on the DL, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Jake and I had a thing. Not a like huge thing. Barely even enough to call a thing. Just a fool around thing in, like, ninth grade. It was kind of fun, I guess, because I’d never done anything like that before. He was my first like sex partner, but it sucked, too. Because he is totally in the closet. And I’m totally not. He’ll feed you this huge line about being confused and stuff, right?”

I felt like my stomach was caving in. “Um, yeah.”

“He ignored me. He still does. Even while we were fooling around. He’d never talk to me at school. At least not for real. He’d look at me sometimes, but for never more than a second. And now it’s like I don’t even exist.”

“Um, yeah.”

“You don’t believe me.”

“No, I do. It’s just- I don’t know.”

“Jake’s a good guy when he wants to be, but he’s not perfect.”

“Who is?”

“Exactly, so be careful. That’s why no casual sex for Clark. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m all about the LTR.”

“LTR?”

“Long-term relationship. Not that I’ve ever had one, but still.”

“So, do people really, um, like, ask you to give them blow jobs?”

“More than you’d think.”

“Have you, like, um, ever done it?”

“Ever given a blow job or ever given a blow job to the guys who ask me?”

“Um, both, I guess.”

“Yes, I’ve given a blow job. But never to those Neanderthals who ask. I do have a little class.”

“Yeah, of course. So, do you, um, have a boyfriend?”

“Ha! No. Guys around here are skeezy. Or not interested in me.”

“Oh, yeah, okay.”

“Okay, look. I say that, but I don’t know all gay guys who live in this city. I didn’t know you were gay and you’re a good guy, I think. Not that I’m into you or anything. But not that I couldn’t be or anything. Wait. That’s not right. I don’t like you. No. I like you. But as a friend. Yeah. As a friend.”

I smile a little, because Clark is cute when he rambles. “Okay. I like you too. As a friend. I really need friends right now.”

“Me too.”

“Do you have many friends?”

“Yes and no. Kaitlyn is my only close friend at all. I have a few people I’ve met through various things I’m involved in, but Kaitlyn is the only person I’m really close to. And then- please don’t judge me- I have online friends.”

“Oh. How does it work with Kaitlyn? I’ve known her forever, but she’s so… religious.”

“Kaitlyn has conviction in her faith, but she’s not narrow-minded. We have so much fun together and everything works fine because we get each other. To be honest, I don’t know where I’d be now without her.”

“Yeah, Kaitlyn’s great.”

“She’s more than great. So, are you wanting to come out, come out- to the whole school?”

“Yeah, I guess. But I’m afraid.”

“It’s scary. Because people will look at you differently. People have kind of always known I was gay, even before I did. My mom said she knew when I was four. They might not say anything particular, but it’s there. This way their eyes rest on you or how they choose their words.”

“I just don’t want to be different.”

“But you are. You might not be a flaming queen, but you’re different. And people will let you know it. I’ve never been beaten up or majorly harassed or anything like that, but all it takes is one word or a look and you just know.”

“It’s all so hard.”

“Only if you let it get to you. I’m not saying that I never get upset over things, but I try not to let it bother me. Because I know I matter to someone. And so do you, Caleb. You matter to someone. And as long as you remember that, everything they say is nothing.”

I think about that for a while after I wish Clark goodnight and hang up. As long as one person cares about me, that’s all that matters, because it means things can’t be so bad. And that makes things feel okay, because some part of me know someone cares.

The next morning at school, all the anxiety of the day before comes back to me. I see Clark walk by and he smiles at me briefly before heading to his class. As I continue walking down the hall, someone grabs my arm and pulled me toward the lockers.

“Let’s just stop being stupid, okay?” Carson says as she steps in front of me, my back to the lockers.

I start to say something, but she puts her finger to my lips. “Don’t talk. Listen. I love you. I’ve loved you since sometime in elementary school. You’re my best friend since forever and all this is just shit we need to clean up. I know you’re upset and maybe depressed, but let’s lay it all out, okay? You’re gay. I’ve known that for longer than I’ve even realized. I don’t care, because I love you. I want you to be happy and you’re obviously not happy, so we need to work on that together. Avery’s a bitch. We can just be done with her, if you want. Sara and Jake - we can work with them. But above all, Caleb, I\m here. If you want to come out to the entire school, I’m there. If you want to keep it a secret, I’m there. But you need to know that I’m here for you no matter what. And as much as I don’t want to say this, if you need me to back off, I will do that to.”

I stare at her for a while, because I know Carson loves me but hearing all that takes me by surprise and I smile and hug her. I don’t feel as empty as yesterday, even though I haven’t seen Knox yet. But maybe I’m on the road to healing and not even aware, but that confuses me too, because so many things just seem to be piling up in my brain and I don’t know how to sort them.

“Okay.”

She smiles and pushes close, kissing me on the cheek. Then she walks off, her heels clinking on the tile floor. I stand there a minute watching her, thinking maybe I have something. Maybe I do have something after all.

I try to avoid eye contact with most people during my classes. In Spanish, I have to talk to my partner using the imperfect, which somehow seems safe. So I talk about fishing at the lake, even though I only did that with Carson and her family a few times. I start to think about Joey, and laying in bed with him on so many summer nights, watching his chest rise and fall and I wonder why it took me so long to accept something I’ve known seemingly forever. Maybe it’s the inevitability of gayness, or humanity, or something, to hate at least a part of yourself instinctively, or maybe I’m just stupid and broken and can’t figure out how this living thing works. Maybe I’ll never be completely okay in the way people seem to be at the end of romantic comedies, maybe something like doubt or self-loathing will always linger in the periphery and pop up while I’m eating cereal or kissing a cute boy. Or maybe I’m just a teenager. But these are things I can’t say to people. Things I can’t tell Carson or Clark or whoever is maybe there for me at the time. They’re stuck in my head and I think saying them at all to anyone would ruin everything.

At lunch I sit with the old group. And I kind of want to barf, because after everything it isn’t the way Knox stares at me expectantly, like I should chat with him about last week’s football game or how Avery can’t even look away from her jello or how Jake keeps doing these weird, furtive glances or how Sara is talking like nothing has happened or how Carson is just kind of watching it all with increasing horror showing on her face. No, it’s the fact that I don’t feel like running for once. I want to stay and show them that I’m here and I can’t run anymore and they can fuck off because I can’t let them run my life anymore. And this scares me, because confidence is new and it hurts my stomach a little, because of the accompanying nerves. But somehow I’ve become steely and not strong, but stubborn, which in some ways is better. Only Sara talks for a while, her voice bobbing along in it’s distinct rhythm, until Avery suddenly bolts up and leaves. Sara stops talking and frowns, and then goes after her with a huff. Carson acts as if nothing is happening, instead twirling her hair around her left index finger and staring blankly at the large announcement monitor on the wall. Knox whispers something to Jake and he kind of stiffens. I watch everyone silently, as if I’m a ghost observing some desolate scene.

“Look, maybe I should go.” Knox says it with a kind of kindness that makes me want to either forgive everything or punch him in the face. It’s the condescending kindness of someone that thinks they might be doing you a favor.

Carson turns her head to Knox, her eyes wide. “No, stay, we haven’t had quite enough drama yet. I’m sure there is some more seducing to be done somewhere.” At ‘somewhere’ she turns her head to Jake, who turns pale. I suddenly get the feeling things are deeper than I know and people are more tangled in some web I’ve never seen. Somehow we connect ourselves to other people and spin these invisible spindles that bind us and sometimes I feel blind to these. Jake and Carson are still making eye contact, some silent conversation going on between them and it makes me more nervous than actually sitting at the table did in the first place.

“Um, yeah, don’t know what you’re talking ‘bout.”

Carson turns back toward Knox. “You should. Because don’t you see? It’s all fucked up now. We’ve fucked everything up for each other because we’re all selfish pricks, Knox. You should know. We should all know. Because you’re Selfish Prick Number One, because you let your dick do the thinking. Because sweet, innocent, girl-next-door was just too hard to pass up, even though she had a boyfriend. And boyfriend was gay and alone and too stubborn to just tell someone because he thinks he’s the only one who can have problems. And Jake is a tool, because he hides behind this sweet smile, and laughs and tells a cute joke, but the whole time he’s undressing you with his eyes, and he doesn’t even hold it back for anyone.” Her voice is cracking now, and tears are running her mascara down her cheeks.

“Shut up,” says Jake, low and growling, his whole body stiff and unmoving.

“And I’m such a anal-retentive psycho bitch I couldn’t see any of it, because I wanted it to fit into my neat little box. And now we’re all screwed.”

She stops talking, and wipes her tears with a napkin from her lunch bag. She stays still, but doesn’t look at anyone.

Knox stares at her incredulously, his mouth open. “What the hell are you talking about?”

She chuckles. “Jesus, Knox, you’re such a prick.”

“You said that.”

“I’m saying that we’re all fucked up, because we’re selfish, Knox.”

She’s stopped crying now. It’s quiet as we kind of stare at each other around the table. Other people are looking at us. She’d been talking loudly, almost yelling and people were staring. My stomach drops a bit and I look around. They’re staring and looking strangely at us and how do I even understand what just happened. They can’t know. Carson barely made sense to the people who knew everything, much less strangers two tables over. The dull buzz of lunch room conversation continued, but it felt as if all the buzz carried the same words: He’s gay. But that was silly. No one was saying it, but it felt like it, I could feel it and I wanted to run but felt plastered to my chair. Carson was staring into the lunch room, not moving or speaking anymore. When I look at Knox, he’s saying something to Jake, which somehow makes me angry.

“I’m done.” I say it and get up with no explanation. As I walk towards the hall, hoping to find the safety of some remote, empty classroom, I feel someone grab my shoulder. I turn and the face that meets mine looks almost as defeated. I continue walking, ignoring Jake’s lurking presence as I walk down the empty hall. The roar of the lunchroom barely creeps down the hall.

“Caleb, just stop for a minute, okay!”

I continue walking faster, I can’t look at him, I don’t want to look at him.

“Caleb, wait!”

I stop suddenly and turn. It happens so suddenly, we crash into each other and I shove him down. Splayed out on the white tile floor, looking up at me, he looks vulnerable. It suddenly feels like an opportunity.

“For what, Jake? Wait for what? Wait for you to push me to my knees and guide my head to your dick, because I feel sorry for poor Jake caught in the middle of it all. Carson’s right. You’re a tool. You’ve known what you were doing the whole time. I’m not the first person and I’m sure I won’t be the last.”

“No, it wasn’t, it’s not, like that. I-”

“No. It is like that. And it’s gonna be like that and I’m tired of being tired and depressed and stupid. You took advantage of me, Jake. Whether you knew it or not, you did. And that’s that. It’s over. Whatever we didn’t have, is over.

“No, Caleb, you don’t understand.”

“Just...shut up.”

I walk away before I could hear what he was trying to say. I wasn’t up for hearing, because most of me just wanted to punch him. Because as much as everything inside still hurt, something else was building over me, something I wasn’t sure I could ever understand: anger.