That Feeling - 4. Honesty?

It’s Thursday. Which means I have to get up early and go to school for the FCA huddle meeting when all I really want to do is stay in bed all day going over and over that text Knox sent me last night. I didn’t respond. How could I have? What could I have possibly said that would have had any value without totally spilling everything I’ve tried so hard to contain? I knew it was a mistake when I sent him a text in the first place, but I did and now it’s all falling apart because I’m weak. I dissected every part of his text from last night and I know Cassie is right. I should tell him. I should tell all of them. Because he knows something is wrong anyways and he doesn’t even know me, so what about all the people who do know me? Can they see how I look at him? Does Jake know that I’ve been sneaking peaks at him in the showers for years? Can they know something is up and I’ve been pretending so hard that I’ve been so oblivious that I’ve become some kind of joke to them? That makes me want to stay in bed even more because it makes me feel so paranoid that I’m not sure I can even look at anyone without falling apart. I thought I had the whole act put together, but obviously I don’t have it as together as I thought because the cracks are starting to show and maybe even pieces are chipping off because Knox can see through it and Cassie has even broken it. And then I smile because that one thought Cassie knows seems like some kind of consolation for all the other shit. And what if everyone knew, would it feel even better then? I am sure it would, but it’d mean a completely different life. Could I be Caleb, the gay kid? I’m not so sure. Right now it feels like that’s all there is to me because it totally consumes me. That gay part just looms over my head and I can’t even enjoy anything without thinking about it. But if people knew maybe I could be someone else entirely. That someone else, of course, would be the real me and that real part scares the shit out of me because it is completely out of my control.

But I have to get up and go through the morning ritual, because that’s what we do. We have to. I shower, brush my teeth, dress, fix my hair, eat breakfast, etc., etc., I see Cassie in the kitchen and she smiles at me with that knowing smile and I have to smile back because I’m glad she knows. Right now I think I need her more than I’m willing to admit because even though I’ve finally told someone and it feels good, everything is still so out of place and I don’t know if I can handle it on my own. Me handling it wasn’t working before. I wasn’t getting anywhere and so now this small smile from Cassie means so much and I know she’s right about everything. I’m not sure how my fourteen year old sister is so wise, but I know she is and I have to tell them. And now something new is preoccupying my mind. Just yesterday all I wanted was to hide it and maybe deny it even though I knew I couldn’t because it’s just there regardless of whether I like it or not. Today, though, I know I have to tell them eventually because it’s not going anywhere and not telling only means more hiding and I am so fucking tired of all that shit. I’ve been dead, but maybe I can be alive now and that makes me a little happier than yesterday. It makes going to the FCA meeting more bearable, even though I still hate it.

The people in FCA are not so bad if I ignore them, I guess. I mean, they’re all Christian athletes which is already a kind of description of the types you’ll get in the first place, types that mostly make me want to scream. Some are really caring and thoughtful and I think they are probably the nicest people on the planet. Then there are the self-righteous bitches who I can’t stand, which is probably the majority of them, which is why I hate it so much. See, the thing to remember about being in Georgia (hell, any place in the South) is that Christianity is king. Christianity is cool, even in high school. Oh, sure, you can go out and party and have sex and talk about people all you want, but you better be at church on Sunday morning. And if you’re an athlete and want to get anywhere with anyone, you better be at the FCA meeting on Thursday morning. Because that’s what we do. It’s what we know. Only I hate it, mostly because I’m the president. Which means I have to put on this fake smile as I walk into the gym and say hey to everyone when all I want to do is scream and maybe run the other way. Only now Kaitlyn Ackerman is walking up to me with that huge smile and I keep walking towards her with my smile plastered on my face too. Kaitlyn is my vice-president and she is one of those members I said was so genuine and authentic that I am sure she is actually God in disguise. She is on the volleyball team and also president of the junior class and probably a hundred other clubs as well. She is the kind of person I wish I was if I were not so dead and fake.

“Hey Caleb!” She drawls out hey as only a true Southern girl can and puts her hand on my shoulder and part of me wants to hate it because in any other girl it would be so fake, and as fake as I am I can’t stand other people to be fake, but in Kaitlyn it’s so real and I love that about her so much that I want to hug her in the middle of the gym.

“Hey Kaitlyn. Is Jonathan here yet?” Jonathan is a senior and the huddle leader for FCA which means he usually is the guy who gives the message at the meetings, so I hope he’s here or else I’ll have to speak and I don’t know if I can handle that right now.

“I haven’t seen him yet, but I’m sure he’s around somewhere.”

“Okay. Jenny isn’t coming this morning, so can you do all that stuff?”

She holds up a folder and waves it. “I’m already on it.”

She smiles and I suddenly wonder what would happen if she knew I was gay. I’ve known Kaitlyn since I was a baby. We’ve grown up together in church and school, but I just don’t know how it would go. Because she is so nice to everyone all the time, part of me wants to believe she would embrace me and love me and never say a word against me. I really want to believe that because Kaitlyn’s sweet face scrunching in disgust would just kill me. Then I remember who Kaitlyn is friends with: Clark McDonnell. He’s her right-hand man in student council and he’s the only openly gay junior that I actually know, not to mention that he is incredibly good looking. I think Kaitlyn and he are best friends because I always see them together and they eat lunch together and I’ve seen them sitting in the bleachers together at football games. So maybe she’d love me like I am, like she loves Clark. But Clark has always been gay since we first started ninth grade with him and so she doesn’t know him any other way, but not me. To her, I’m Caleb Abernathy: the boy who peed his pants during Vacation Bible School in the third grade: the boy who accidentally knocked Joshua Rodriguez into the river during the first middle school retreat in the sixth grade: the boy who has been dating Avery McCleland for so many years who can even keep track of them: the boy who is president of the FCA. To her, I’m not Caleb Abernathy: the boy who prayed every night during fifth grade to be someone different: the boy who masturbated in the bathroom stall during the mission trip to Cherokee before ninth grade because all the boys had to shower together: the boy who wants to kiss Knox Brashier on the lips and maybe even have sex with him, since I’m being honest. That isn’t who she knows. No one knows that person, not yet. I barely know him, but maybe I like him a little more than I thought because thinking back on all the things that I tried to make untrue only makes me smile. Because something about the fourteen year old boy jerking off in that bathroom stall seems more real to me now than anything I see in front of me.

Everyone is sitting in the bleachers waiting for us to start, so I nod at Kaitlyn and Jonathan and clear my throat. I see Jake and Joey and some other football dudes in the back row and Jake smiles at me. Normally I would hate that because I’m supposed to hate his smile and face and all, but I’m taking baby steps towards the future and I know I don’t dislike Jake; I actually like him a lot and he’s probably one of the only friends I really have, so I smile back. Avery and Knox aren’t here because they aren’t athletes even though that doesn’t really matter and I’m thankful for that small reprieve right now, but I know it’s only temporary and that makes my heart beat a little faster.

“Okay, okay! I’m glad ya’ll could make it this morning. Don’t forget to sign the roster before you leave. Jenny is out this morning, so Kaitlyn has that. We’re getting ready for our outreach project soon, so ask an officer about more info on that. Um, so, I guess I’ll pray and then let Jonathan get started: Lord, please let Jonathan speak your word to us and make us better stewards of your love here at this school and allow all of us to understand your will for us.” My least favorite part of this job is the prayer because it always makes me sick to say it when I’m not even sure I believe in God sometimes.

After I’m done, I sit on the front bleachers between Kaitlyn and Carson. Carson puts her arm around me and whispers “Hey boo-boo” into my ear and nods toward Jonathan with her eyes kind of rolling because she hates Jonathan ever since he told her she was the Whore of Babylon. Kaitlyn smiles at me when I glance toward her after Jonathan starts talking. I don’t even pay attention to what he is saying anyways because, like Carson, I really don’t like anything about Jonathan and I don’t think Kaitlyn does either, although she’d never say anything. He is one of those self-righteous zealots that I just can’t stand, but I let him talk because I certainly don’t want to do it. And he isn’t even remotely cute so I can’t even fantasize about corrupting him, which takes me by surprise because I’ve never been so open before, not even with myself. Those feelings used to just kind of come out of no where, but now I am actively looking at Jonathan and realizing how absolutely unattractive I find him, which seems like kind of a fun game now that I’m doing it.

Carson whispers in my ear again, “Avery said you guys had a disagreement last night.”

“Yeah.”

“Talk about it after?” I nod my head.

And the thing is I kind of do want to talk to her about it, which strikes me as odd. We’ve been friends for so long I can barely remember a time when Carson wasn’t there prodding at me to speak. I guess I can still remember being in kindergarten or first grade and Carson coming up to me in the sandbox with her frizzy red hair flying in the breeze and dumping sand down my back and in that moment, I hated her. But then the next day she came back and told me about how she had gone to Hawaii that summer and swam with dolphins and she had me hooked on that sing-song voice that could tell me to eat shit and I would have. Carson is actually how I met Avery. Because in middle school Carson finally had girl friends and Avery was the cute brunette with those big blue eyes and Sara was the bitchy Latina and it all seemed so perfect to the quiet little boy who hated everything he was feeling and so couldn’t escape the lure of the perfection that he wanted so badly. So Carson had always been there, but she’d become so commonplace to me I’d taken her for granted as that token beauty every clique needs, but I’d barely even noticed her for the last few years as someone who’s always been by my side. And suddenly I don’t feel so alone. Because yesterday I’d have rolled my eyes and maybe have ignored her or felt there was some kind of ulterior motive that involved one of her schemes. But now I know Jake and Carson are right here and maybe they’ve always been right here in this moment waiting for me to realize that they’re more than just extras in the play that my life has become. They are real, living people that smile at me and care about me. Cassie said to take a step back because things might not be like they seem to me and here is the girl I’ve been with since kindergarten next to me with her Viva La Juicy perfume and slick red hair that she’s worked so hard to tame and I had completely forgotten about her. And now I want to tell her everything because she’s put up with me for this long, so she must love me, right?

Jonathan is done talking and Kaitlyn has gotten up to give some last minute information about our service project and then she prays and it’s over. But I stay seated on the bleachers with Carson’s arm leaning on my shoulder because it just feels right. Jonathan shakes his head at us, but Carson just gives him her bitch look and shakes her head and her earrings jangle and her long hair brushes against my face and that makes me smile for some reason. He looks away, but when I turn my head back, Joey and Jake have made it from the back bleachers and are now standing directly in front of us. Only Joey is wearing gym shorts and I can see his bulge at eye level, which is exciting because I know he has a huge dick from peeking in the showers. My heart starts to beat faster and I’m probably staring, but it only lasts a second because as soon as he sits next to Carson and starts talking to her about something their parents said about the party, Jake sits next to me, smiling, which, since I’m being honest, I really like. And then he speaks and his voice is so smooth I want to touch it. I think I might get a boner, which makes me blush.

“I know you're going to their party, right?”

“Yes Jake. Don’t I always?”

“Only because Avery drags you out.”

“That isn’t true.”

“It is! We all know you hate parties, Caleb. Well, people at all really. But it’s cool. It’s gonna be awesome.” He kind of sings ‘awesome’ an octave higher than his normal voice and I smile because it’s cute, even though normally I would have wanted to punch him. He notices the smile and gives me a huge smile back. “Oh, he smiles at me! Alert the presses! Didn’t you once say I sound ‘dumb’ when I change my voice like that?”

“You do sound dumb.”

“Then why’d you smile?”

“Because you sound dumb.” Oh my gosh, I’m giggling and he’s smiling and I want to hug him but I think that’s against the rules even if it kind of feels like we’re flirting.

“But you don’t usually smile, just roll your eyes. Is my silliness finally growing on you, Mr. Abernathy?” He nudges me with his shoulder and he is just smiling so big I want to melt. I blush automatically and feel embarrassed because I know he can see my flushed face, but that’s okay. “Guess I am.”

And he’s still smiling at me and it feels like he’s flirting with me but I know he’s not because he’s like this with everyone, I think. No, he is, because Jake Holley is the nice one, the guy everyone wants to be friends with because he smiles and laughs and just makes you happy. Only before, I’d taught myself to hate him because of this very reason. Because if I hated his laugh and his smile and his silliness, then it was easier not to feel like he’s flirting and even easier to not feel like I love him.

Once most everyone has left and it’s just Carson and I sitting on the front bleachers, she wraps her arm under mine and stands us up. I know she’s ready to talk and I am too, but I am not sure what she will say or what I should say and this whole openness thing is just all so new I am not sure if I’ll be able to keep by voice steady and the story straight.

“I’m surprised you didn’t run while you could, Caleb. You usually do whenever I want to talk to you.” She’s smiling, but not a happy smile and this surprises me, because maybe I’m not as smooth as I thought I was and things are starting to crumble in front of me and I thought I wanted that, but now it’s hard to see that I did when it’s so clear on Carson’s glossy lips and hazel eyes that she isn’t as oblivious as I’d hoped. So I just shrug my shoulders as we walk slowly toward the gym doors. “Avery called me last night. She said you’d been arguing...about Knox.”

I sigh because how can I say what I want without totally spilling everything. Now that I’ve cracked it’ll be harder to hold it all in, so all I say is “Yeah.”

“Look, Caleb…” She hesitates and I hold my breath because she sounds so serious and a part of me thinks she wants to say something I don’t want to hear, because even though I’ve cracked and maybe I’m ready to start leaking it all out, I’m not ready to hear that I’ve been transparent this whole time and I’ve just been drowning everyone. Because that would mean the whole act was useless in the first place and I’d been dead for no reason other than my own stupid mind. “Oh, never mind.”

“No, what is it Carson?”

“It’s nothing.”

I sigh and I’m torn because I want her to say it but I don’t want to hear it. “It’s obviously something.”

“It’s just...I’m worried about you. About you and Avery and this whole thing with Knox. Avery doesn’t understand it, but that’s probably for the best right now.” She smiles at me, but I am confused and feel there is so much she is leaving out. I know there is so much she is leaving out because the way she’s looking at me tells me there is so much she isn’t telling me and I know that Carson probably knows me better than I know myself, because she was there before I started pretending and she is still here and she’s had ten years to dissect my looks and my voice and that scares me, now that I think about it. But she isn’t talking now, just looking at me with her crooked smile and perfect hair and I want to hug her, but I don’t. Instead I just continue through the gym doors arm in arm with Carson. She lets go once we start walking towards Mall Hall. I know Avery and maybe Knox will be there, but I think I am ready, because I have that little hope in my stomach that maybe someday everything will work out, even if that day isn’t today.

And Avery is in the Mall Hall when we get there, wearing a blue and white striped shirt that’s slightly oversized and a kind of salmon pair of fitted trousers and those grey brogues she’s so fond of lately. She looks slightly androgynous except for her brown hair is wavy and billowing onto her shoulders and I like that, because if I love anything about Avery it’s her style. Between her and Carson they know how to dress better than any girl in this God-forsaken school. But as much as I want to love Avery as she stands there watching me, it’s really Knox standing next to here that I’m focused on, even if it is only furtive glances in his direction. And all the feelings from last night come rushing back and I suddenly feel like a piece of shit again, because I’m fake and I can’t even stop it. I involuntarily stiffen my shoulders. I don’t want to, but the act is taking over and it’s so natural now that I don’t even know if I could control it if I want to. He’s so beautiful. His curls are still wet from his morning shower, making his blond hair look brownish, and they’re hanging kind of low, wetting the neck of his t-shirt.

Avery half-smiles at me, but it’s loaded and I know we’re about to “talk.” Carson gets to her first and they do that cheek to cheek kiss thing on both sides that they’ve been doing since Carson’s mom took them and Sara to Paris during the summer before high school. But Carson lingers and Avery whispers something in her ear. I know she’s told her to give us time to talk. I knew it was inevitable and here it is. I suddenly feel sick and I nod hello to Knox and he nods back. I can see he wants to say something more to me, but Carson has looped her arm with his and started to walk off with him, towards where a group of tenth graders are standing. I see Carson introduce Knox to a girl named Jenna that had hung out with us a few times over the summer. I suddenly feel jealous. Jenna is a pretty girl with soft brown hair and a fit body. I remember her laugh as a kind of free release of animalistic sounds that reminded me a bit of a howler monkey. But it was somehow flattering at the same time, because it was real. It made her interesting at the time because otherwise she’d just be another girl with a pretty face with nothing else at all.

“Caleb…”

Avery tugs on my arm and I realize I’ve been staring at Knox and Jenna. I turn back towards Avery, but she has a frown on her face. This is already going badly and I just want to be back in my bed under my covers where everything feels safe and nothing bad can get me. In my bed I feel whole and maybe even happy, and I thought after last night things might start being better in the real world, but Avery’s red lips contorted into a frown remind me that as much as I try to forget them, other people have feelings too, apart from mine, and I can hurt them. “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry about last night.”

“It was nothing, Avery.”

“It was something. It is something. I’m sorry about the whole Knox thing. Just forget about it, okay? If you don’t want to be friends with him, then don’t. It’s none of my business.”

I glance back at Knox and he isn’t talking to Jenna anymore, but to Carson. He looks serious and I’m suddenly worried he’s telling her about the texts from last night and I have a mini-panic attack in my brain. I turn around fast and grab Avery’s hands. I shake them a little for emphasis.

“It is your business, and I need to try harder with Knox. He’s a good guy and I’ve been so dumb about it.” I lean in to kiss her, but instead of on the lips, I kiss her on the forehead, because I know she likes that. She smiles, but it doesn’t make me feel any better because it doesn’t mean anything. She’s smiling because it’s what we do; it’s part of the big game I’ve forced myself to play and I don’t know how much more of it I can take. Because I thought I could do it, I thought I could end the game and stop it all by telling everybody those two words, but right here and now it seems so much harder than I thought it would be and I just don’t know if I can do it. I want to cry, but I can’t, so I put my arm around Avery’s shoulders because I feel I need to hold onto something real, even if it doesn’t mean anything. Jake walks up and he makes a face at us like ‘Awe you guys are so cute’ and I hate it. I want to punch him because it makes me so sad to think that everything is a lie I can’t control, because everything about Avery and I should be perfect, but it isn’t and it can't ever be.

The bell rings, and the moment is over. Avery squeezes me a little and says “See you at lunch.” Jake and I walk towards our lockers. His is a few down from mine, so we walk together. The halls are too crowded and noisy to carry on a conversation, so we walk without talking, which is okay with me, because I don’t know what I could say anyways. This whole acting thing is getting harder because a part of me wants to quit, but the other part is scared of the consequences. I look over at Jake and he’s smiling and waving at people as we pass them. Jake’s hair is brown and cut short and he has it styled haphazardly with gel and his smile makes my knees feel weak. Girls always like Jake, but hardly ever in a romantic way, so he’ll try to date occasionally, but he always gets put in the friend zone eventually, which kind of makes me sad when I think about it, because he is such a great guy. Jake started hanging out with us in middle school because he and I played football together and I was trying to have some guy friends before people thought I was gay and he was nice, so it just worked out. He also had a crush on Carson in middle school, and even though it never worked out, he became a permanent fixture anyways. At my locker I wonder what Jake would say if he found out. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him say anything particularly horrible about gay guys. But the football players always joke about gay things, like it’s all a big joke to them, and he’s done that. But so have I. That kills me. And while Jake is nice and my friend, he’s also a guy’s guy. It might be weird for him, even if he isn’t openly hateful.

Thinking through people’s reactions seems to be a pastime of mine now, and that is kind of depressing, because it makes coming out all that much harder.