The North Down South - 4. 4. You're so used to love

“So yeah we’re basically going out next week.”

“Going out or, you know,” Joaco raised an eyebrow. “Going out.”

“Don’t be a weirdo,” said Nahuel. “This is a lady we’re talking about.”

“Yeah,” interjected Santi through a puff of smoke. “Didn’t you know Nahu’s always been into posh girls?”

Nahuel swatted the smoke away. “For fuck’s sake, this is why you guys never get laid.”

I chuckled to myself, letting the conversation unfold before me. It’d been a while since the boys and I had hung out together. Classes at uni, work at the shop, and encompassing afternoons with Lauti, plus each of the guys’ personal schedules, had gotten in the way of us meeting up for weeks now.

A good five-a-side match and beers at Joaco’s afterwards had been a long time coming.

Most of the boys had already begun their respective higher education adventures. Nahuel and Tomi were taking their first strides at UBA, the former in law (we’d all already made the obligatory ‘you know you’re going to have to bail us all out at some point’ joke), the latter in political science (he’d always had political vein that none of us could really understand, but we supported him nonetheless).

Joaco’s parents had agreed to pay for his attempt at getting a marketing degree from UADE, though so far it seemed all he did was hit up the campus gym and try to get random girls’ instagram handles. I almost felt bad for the parents, throwing their money into the burner like that. Money had never been much of a concern for Joaco’s family, though.

Santi, for his part, had decided to take the semester off to decide what he wanted to do after high school. Out of the entire bunch, I found it the hardest to see him going to university at all. Somehow, though, I got the impression he was the happiest with how things were turning out for him.

We were doing well.

Tomi lit up a cigarette.

“What’s UTN like, Valen?” he asked. “My dad still can’t believe you got in, really.”

“Wow. That’s great. Thanks, Néstor.”

He rolled his eyes. “It’s not like that. He just told me they’ve got mad standards over there. I mean, he knows what math at our school was like. He’s impressed. Won’t shut up about it, actually. You should come over and talk to him so he can stop fawning over you whenever you’re brought up.”

I smiled. Something about Tomi’s dad talking about me in that light made me feel genuinely proud. Pity I was also genuinely struggling with my classes.

“UTN is… something else. I don’t know how to describe it. People are so intense about it. It’s been hard keeping up, to be honest.”

Santi said: “But you want to stay, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah. More than anything right now.”

He raised his Brahma at me. “Cheers then.”

The boys emulated his gesture.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like that had just made weeks of suffering over applied geometry and trigonometric functions feel like it was all worth it.

I raised my glass of Coke to match.

“How’s Lauti doing?” asked Nahuel. “Did you tell him we were meeting up today?”

“I asked if he wanted to come, but you guys know he can’t play ball to save his own life.” All four of them hummed in assent. “He’s doing good. Taking his time, kind of like Santi here. Figuring out what it is he wants to do with his life, you know?”

Nahuel nodded, but something about the look in his eyes told me he was not entirely satisfied with my answer.

“You know, Valen,” Joaco said—and I could already tell something stupid was about to come out of his mouth—“It’s a good thing you ended up being gay. I mean, it’s not like you were going to find many chicks at UTN.”

Tomi shook his head. “What the fuck are you even talking about?”

“Girls don’t like engineering!”

“I swear to Christ, Joaquín.”

Yeah, I was definitely needing this.

***

We stayed up till late. Just talking, catching up on things. It somehow felt as if it’d been years since the last time we’d all seen each other in the same spot. It was dawning on me we were all changing so fast. Blink and you’ll miss it. We were no longer kids. We were growing up.

By the time we finally decided to wrap things up it was 2 am and Santi could barely stand on his own two feet. I was pretty much the only one sober, since I’d brought La Gorda with me and I fully intended to get back home in one piece.

Santi and Nahuel stayed at Joaco’s, while Tomi asked me for a ride over to his place, just a few blocks away.

“As long as you don’t fall off, sure.”

It was a recurrent fear of mine.

I helped him hop off the bike when we arrived. To be honest, he was probably more tired than drunk. I knew that these days Tomi worked on odd days at his parents’ firm, so we both understood the struggle of working and studying at the same time.

Even if “work” looked like an entirely different thing for him.

“Thanks, man.”

“Don’t sweat it. Say hi to your mom and dad for me, yeah?”

He flashed a self-conscious smile, bringing to life his infamous dimples. “Sorry about that thing about my dad, you know? If it came across as him being condescending or… yeah. You get what I’m saying.”

“It’s fine, Tomi. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d end up actually going to university.”

He chuckled, but he still wouldn’t meet my eyes.

Just for an instant, I was struck by how good-looking he was. It’d been years since I’d felt that way about him—after my brief crush on him in the third year, I’d successfully rewired my brain to see him as nothing more than a really good friend.

When it came to Tomi, looks had always been secondary. Tomi had been the first one to talk to me when I first arrived at Brown. He’d been the one to bring us all together. He simply had that natural warmth, that exceptional confidence. He was the Sun, a king in court. And he was kind, kinder than anyone else I knew.

Then again, he was also really hot.

Now that Lauti and I were together, I was slowly starting to allow myself to explore all the feelings I’d been fighting back my entire adolescence. I’d always known I was into guys, but I never allowed myself to act upon my desire. I would try to “correct” myself by going out with girls, or making out with girls at parties, or talking about how hot girls were with the boys. I’d watch straight porn and try so hard not to look at the men. I knew it was a farce, but I went along with it because I didn’t think I could reconcile me being gay with me being me. Now, I could look at guys and allow my brain to say what it was thinking.

And God, my brain had so much to say about men.

It was a good thing by now all the boys were like brothers to me. Otherwise…

I cleared my throat.

“Anyway. Talk later, yeah?”

He gave me a thumbs up.

“I’m serious about you coming over,” he said. “For Delia and Néstor. Don’t be a stranger.”

I nodded.

When was the last time that I’d had more plans and things to do than time to carry them out?

***

“Did you guys have fun?”

I let out a groan as I settled on the bed, my muscles still sore from the game earlier.

“Yeah, it was cool seeing everyone again.”

There was a brief moment of silence on the other side of the line.

I’d been about to sleep when Lauti asked if we could do a phone call, but I didn’t mind spending some extra time awake if it meant talking to him.

“They want you to come next time. We don’t have to play ball if you don’t want to, we can just… you know, hang out.”

Lauti hummed pensively. “Yeah. Let’s do that sometime.”

Silence again.

I asked: “How was your Friday night?”

“Good! Yeah. Just good. I just speedran through Pokémon Black 2. So that was fun. I’m telling you, Gen 5 is totally the most underrated Pokémon generation.”

“Didn’t you play that one last week?”

“That was White 2. It’s like… the same game. But also not.”

“Right.”

I did not really understand the difference, but I did not feel like pursuing that particular conversation path.

“Anyway,” I heard Lauti shuffling. “Want to come over tomorrow? We need to watch Lady Bird together. I mean, you’re probably going to be bored out of your mind, but I won’t really live at peace with myself until I’ve forced you to watch it. Or we could start Korra, maybe? We’ve been putting it off for so long. It’s so good.”

I let out a heavy sigh.

“I would love to, Lauti. I really would,” I said. “But I already told Marian I’d check in at the workshop. She’s letting me take care of that Kawasaki I told you about?”

“Oh. Yeah, you mentioned it.”

“And afterwards I should really catch up on my physics module. And the math one too.”

“Yeah…”

If I closed my eyes, I could’ve probably pictured Lauti’s pout and furrowed brows.

I said: “We can… Meet up during the week? You could come over and make mate for me while I study.”

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

A good ten seconds passed by with neither of us saying anything.

“Valen?”

“Yeah?”

“I miss you.”

“I know,” I said. “I miss you too.”

Time. With each passing day, it somehow felt like I had less and less of it.