Imprint - 33. Memories of Green and Gold: Completion

He waited on the dock next to Nilene, watching the boat pulling in. Tallen stood on the deck, sun browned and wind swept, that content smile on his face that a week at sea would bring.

(“Okay, you really want to know? Look out there, what do you see? Nothing? Anything. Anything could be coming up there. Its like a...constant state of anticipation, I guess. Even if I've been there before, it'll have changed when I get back, in so many ways.”)

He saw the moment Tallen noticed he was there, saw his surprised smile, hand raised high in a wave.

(“Mostly happy, yeah. Well, I do regret sometimes that I never married. Might've been nice, you know, having someone to come home to, someone to meet me at shore. Or to come along with me. Ah, well. Its not like I was ever really alone. Right?”)

“I wasn't expecting you,” and the man was standing on solid land in front of him, smelling of sea salt, beaming like the sun, “Its a nice surprise.”

He couldn't have said why he answered Nilene's summons this time when he usually declined. Things were different now, somehow, it had seemed important. Seeing Tallen's smile, he knew it had been the right choice.

He was pulled into a hug, enveloped in sea and sun and a presence deeply missed these last few days. There was no initial moment of panic, not any longer, only joy.

A short time later they were home, bathed and fed (“Not fish, please. I don't want to look at fish, for at least two days.”), sitting together on the pallet on the floor. Relaxed, close enough to feel that pleasant warmth along his side, Tallen talked, enlivened by even a brief trip out.

(as you always are...alternatively, never stay grounded, never remain adrift, you never change...)

“-in a month or so, I'll have to go out to West Arbor with their share, make that trade, then we'll be all set for the winter. We can relax a little.”

“...why wait?”

“Finn needs a break,” Tallen sighed, “I swear, there were twice as many I'm too old for this speeches this time out. I think he's almost done, one or two more trips, and he'll give me the boat.”

“That's...good.” It was what Tallen had wanted for years now, being in charge, having that freedom.

“Glad you think so, because you'll be coming with me. Hope you know how to fish.”

“...I do.”

“So you say, but I have yet to see it. Lucky for you, I'm a very good teacher.”

He smiled, small and secret, unable to help it.

“What is that?” a finger touched his mouth, briefly first, then it came back, lingering along his bottom lip, so light, almost not there.

“...nothing.”

“I think you're laughing at me.” Tallen's voice changed, soft, quiet. He glanced back up, wondering when Tallen got so close, he could count different shades of green in pine needle eyes.

The moment had turned serious, “...what?”

The finger traced over his cheekbone, slow and gentle. “Can I-” swallowing, “can I kiss you?” His mouth set in a determined line, but his eyes were uncertain, already offering silent apologies.

Worried, he realizes, and he always hated seeing that, “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yes – okay.”

He waited, calmly, while Tallen moved closer, and closer to him, pressing lips against his own. He had to work harder then to stay still, not startle and scare Tallen off; lips were more sensitive than expected, than he was used to

(“Where have you been-”)

(-be angry when he finds-)

Tallen pulled away, eyes pointedly turned to the side. His good mood vanished, Tallen's features were closed off in a way he hadn't seen in a while, and rarely ever at him. “You didn't have to say yes,” voice blank, and starting to get up.

A flash of panic, his hand reached out without thinking, to stop Tallen from leaving, not like this, “Are you...you mad – at me?”

“No.” A quick denial, then, “A little. I'll sleep it off. Just...not again, okay, Winter? You don't have to...do that, with me.”

“What – did I do?” He still didn't understand, holding tight to Tallen's wrist, “...I let you-”

“I didn't want you to just let me,” Tallen said, “No one wants that. If you didn't want to kiss me, you should've just said no. I'm a big boy, I can deal with rejection.”

Oh... “Sorry, I didn't-” still holding his wrist, though Tallen wasn't trying to leave now, “How?”

“Uh, simple no works just fine.”

“No, not – that. The other...how do I-?”

Understanding came slowly, “...are you serious?”

Of course, why would he not be?

Tallen looked in his eyes, studied his features, previous anger quickly draining away, a small furtive hope returning. “Just...do what I do.”

He was ready when Tallen came close again, tried to copy the gentle movement of lips. He felt hot inside, breath coming in short puffs, and it wasn't long before he couldn't help a small reaction, a gasp, a jolt. Tallen did not pull back with an apology, no, he smiled and pulled him closer with a hand on his face. Welcome and wanted in this case, he wondered what was different. Fists uncurled in his lap, raising a hand to touch Tallen's face, but wait, he's facing the other way, so its the other side, right?

Tallen broke off laughing, leaning his forehead against his, “You really weren't kidding. You don't know.”

He didn't know why it was funny. “...I wouldn't.”

“I guess not. I never thought of it like that,” Tallen's eyes opened again, so green, so close. His face was cupped in two large hands, urged forward half an inch for another kiss. Fingers nudged his jaw open, just a little, and Tallen did something with his tongue he could not hope to replicate.

Jittery inside, his lips tender and tingling, but still Tallen was not put off. A smile, a deep breath in and, “I want to try.”

He knew right away what that meant. “I thought you – didn't want to?”

“I never said that. It was more like...I had concerns.”

He did remember, very well, though they had not spoken of it, even acknowledged the conversation, in the weeks since. “And now?”

“Less so, I guess. You haven't...said or done anything.”

“You didn't want me to. I said I wouldn't.”

“I know, I know you did. I just...”

“Didn't – believe me.” He had figured that much.

“Don't take it personally. Its not...” Tallen trailed off, regrouping his thoughts with a hard exhale, “Look, I've been thinking about this for a while. I'm – tired of living with this, and I don't think I can let it go, not without at least trying.” A quick glance his way, “That is, well, if I have a chance. I don't think you ever said.”

It didn't need much consideration, “...okay.”

“Okay? Just like that?”

He nodded, “Its – you, I don't need...” I trust you, he wanted to say, where you go, I go, always.

Tallen saw it, the words he couldn't say; his smile was warm, relieved. “We'll go slow. Like, snails yelling at us to get out of their way slow.”

He nodded again, if that's what was wanted.

“Just – promise me. If this doesn't work, if we need to...we'll still be friends?”

“I won't leave you.” I can't, not ever...

Tallen watched him, nodding, “I believe you, A little more than I did before.”

---

It started with eyes on his back, but when he turned to meet them there were no words, no reaction, nothing different. So he returned to washing dishes. Then the chair scraped back, footsteps closer; the desire to turn back again did not come from fear or nerves, not anymore, not for a long time, but curiosity, a nagging sense...

(...this is familiar?)

Hands settled on his hips, tentatively, asking for permission; there had been a lot more of that, now, little touches, sitting close, affection that felt both different and somehow the same. He kept washing, knowing that was the right and wanted answer.

(...why is this familiar?)

Arms wound tighter around him, pulling him back to a warm body, Tallen's face pressed into the top of his head.

(...oh!)

(it was only the giggle that told him she was there, her husband towered over and around her; a small pale hand rose, still wet with rinse water, to run through blond hair. A sign of affection, he knew, now, they loved each other and Tallen was happy with her)

He let the dish drop to the bottom of the tub and raised his hand, shaking off water drops and soap suds. Up, until fingertips came in contact with warm skin, a strong jawline, over the curve of an ear, to find soft strands of hair to plunge into, a scalp to scratch.

“Hmm,” Tallen hummed happily, moving, burying his face in his neck now. He felt Tallen's lips moving against his skin; a kiss, those happened more lately, though usually his lips, or less often his hand. This was new and, surprisingly, more sensitive, but again his shiver was well received and Tallen neither stopped nor moved away.

“Hi,” words breathed against his skin.

(she turns in his arms to face him, red hair and bright smile. Saren, the very first, maybe the best, never quite as happy as he'd been with her. Her arms wind around his neck, speaking too low to be heard, pulling his head down to her)

He turned around, Tallen's arms loosing enough to allow the movement. He had to look up to see Tallen's face, never been so close to him before; he put his hands on Tallen's shoulders, carefully moving them around his neck, grateful to see this, too, appeared welcome.

He couldn't think of what to say, “...hi.”

Little pressure was needed, Tallen came down willingly, lips meeting his own.

(what comes next? They'd disappear into their space, pull the curtain closed... I don't know)

He was probably going to find out.

---

“So much for going slow,” head rested, upturned on his shoulder, breath puffed against his neck, “I think that counted as sex.”

His arm was around Tallen, hand spread between his shoulder blades, fingers compulsively rubbing over skin, back and forth. Bare skin, Tallen's clothes had been left on the floor, along with his own. He'd never thought of clothing as that much of a barrier, that a lack of it would make much of a difference, but it did – it really did.

His thumb moved, back and forth, over soft skin, firm muscle, hard bone, life warmth; so much, but grounding, too, the constant stimulation keeping his thoughts from scattering, out and away.

It was harder than usual, to make sense of those sounds, hear correctly, interpret as words with definite meaning; flashes of light still exploded behind his half closed lids. “...you think?”

“I'm used to working with a different set of guidelines,” Tallen had a arms around him, too (and a leg slotted between his own), fingers kept touching the scar where it curled around his side. “I say we count it.”

Skin, muscle, bone, and beneath that organ and pumping blood, the strong steady beat of a living heart

(alive...alive...)

“Okay.” His body was so loose, too heavy to move. It was a pleasant feeling, easier to enjoy now that his nerve endings were quiet.

“You're good, right?” a note of uncertainty in his voice, Tallen's hand ran down his side to his hip, before moving back up again, “I didn't plan to go quite this far. Really.”

He wasn't sure he understood all of that. “I-” the sound caught in his throat, scratching over tender walls, “...good. I'm good.”

“You're,” Tallen made a fake coughing sound, glancing up with a big grin, “Never thought I'd have to ask this, but how's your voice?”

He made to answer, but the sound caught again, turning into an actual cough.

Tallen laughed, pushing his face into his neck, “I can't believer you're a screamer.”

He was going to ask, but a moment of thinking and it came to him. “Sorry...”

“No,” Tallen looked up again, met his eyes, “No, don't – don't ever stop.”

He petted blond hair while Tallen's mouth trailed down his neck, so sensitive it was sore in spots.

“Stay with me? Tonight?”

“...okay.”

---

Fingers winding through blond hair again, tightly; he knew he was pulling, knew he shouldn't, but Tallen was not complaining. He could hear himself, loud, so loud.

Tallen sat up, kneeling at the end of the bed, rubbing at his jaw, “Okay, not quite as easy as I thought.” His smile was bright, pleased with himself, “Not half bad though, right?”

He wasn't sure he caught enough of the act to repeat it; he might need to see it again.

---

That hair was like a second home for his wandering fingers, they wound up there so often now. It was all he could reach in their current position, Tallen lying with head pillowed on his thigh, other leg draped across his chest; one hand was planted at his knee, but the other roamed lazily up and down.

Eyes half closed, enjoying that wonderful sensation, loose and heavy and content, listening to Tallen's voice.

“-and at the end of the day, sleep right on the deck. Right under the stars. Or, you know not sleep, that could be good, too.” a quick poke to the thigh, “What do you think?”

Not following close enough to be certain, but he thought he got the basic idea, “Yes, okay.”

A laugh, “That was Elark's dream, back when we all used to go sail over to the Atoll market, he'd talk about stealing the boat, live and travel from place to place. He always had a lot of plans, but that was one I kind of liked. You remember him? Elark?”

Not especially, but he thought he'd heard it mentioned before as the name of Finn and Nilene's son.

“Yeah, that's him. He was still here when you showed up, but not much longer I don't think. He was never going to stay in a small place like this, used to want me to go with him. Almost did, too, except, well...”

Tallen trailed off, but he could fill it in, what had changed to throw that idea off track.

“I would have – gone, with you.”

(...I always do)

“Yeah? Well, it could still happen. Not – not permanently or anything, got responsibilities now, but I would like to bring trade further out than Finn's willing to go anymore. We could do that, when its just us.” A pause, “I don't think Elark would've been satisfied with that for long. Most of his plans were about going south. I think that's what he did, in the end.”

“What...is south?”

“Conflict, and lots of it. Ever since the Twins and the...what was it this time? Red Death? Yeah, ever since they invaded Harrow its been ugly down there. Locals are looking for anything to get them out.”

His fingers tightened in blond hair, pulling again, but it was different this time and Tallen winced. “...you should stay out of it.”

“Out of what? Ow, careful!”

“Conflict. You should stay out of it.”

“I wasn't going to,” Tallen pried his hand loose, kissing his knuckles, “Look, I know myself well enough to know... Some people, they can live with it, and other people are never right again. Had an uncle like that, when I was much younger, he didn't live long after coming back. I know I'd be the same way. If I have to I have to, but I don't need to go seeking it out like Elark did. And there's really only one thing I'd be willing to kill for, that'd be worth it.” The hand squeezed his, once, before letting go.

A sweet idea, but he wanted to correct it. There is no need, not for me, I'm not...

(...not after I...)

“Besides, what am I going to do? Bring you to a battlefield? You going to fight with me?”

He shook his head, “...I couldn't.”

“I know,” Pine needle eyes looked up at him, “I could see you as a healer, maybe.”

“...I couldn't.”

“I wouldn't have thought you were squeamish.” A teasing grin, “Are you saying, if I was horribly wounded, you wouldn't save my life?”

“You, yes,” he said, “...only you.”

“Only me,” Tallen's grin widened, turning his head and pressing lips to the underside of his thigh, “Have I ever told you,” kissing up, toward where leg met torso, “how much I love being your one big exception?”

“Yes?"

“Hmm, always have,” Tallen climbed to his knees, still holding the leg that had been draped over him, pushing it gently back and up, “I love being the only one who sees you like this.”

“Like what?”

“Everything, who you really are. I love that you let me see it.” He lifted his other leg on his own, an automatic movement now, hooking it around Tallen's back, about where it usually rested. Tallen's eyes lit up, “I didn't expect this either, you know.”

“What?”

“This,” strong hands ran up his thighs, “In the beginning, I thought you'd be shy.”

He hummed a questioning note.

“I thought it'd be a while, before I could...I don't know, coax you along? I'd have to find the right words, for you to open up. It was a nice surprise.”

He couldn't see why it would be, shouldn't it be clear by now? “I trust you.”

“I know,” Tallen smiled, lowering his head, “Should I say something cheesy about rewarding trust?”

---

“You should just move in.”

“Hmm?” he had been counting heartbeats beneath his ear

(alive...alive...)

“In the room. You should just move your stuff in here. You sleep in here every night anyway.”

He nodded, cheek brushing against warm skin, “...you want me to.”

Tallen's hand ran up his back, fingers spread wide, touching as much as he could, “...I hate sleeping alone,” his voice was soft, quiet, like a confession, “You know what its like, when you wake up from a dream and in those first few minutes there, you're not quite sure where you are, or who you are? You know?”

(…)

“...yes.”

You don't have to say it to be nice. I know most people don't.” The hand moved into his hair for a brief moment, and then down again, “Having somebody there, a familiar face I can reach out and touch, it makes it go away that much quicker.”

“...I understand.” Heart beat in his ear, steady and soothing.

“I think that's half the reason I kept trying, with other people. It was that or sleep walk into your bed.”

“I wouldn't have – would have let you.”

“After the first time, I wasn't sure.”

“Stop. You – make it more than it was.” Not that Tallen ever properly remembered that night, he liked to assume the worst.

“All right, all right. Last time, I promise.”

He lifted his head, met pine needle eyes, “I would never leave you. You know that.”

Tallen didn't hesitate, this time. “I do.”

---

He left the bathroom, door swinging closed behind him. It was early morning, the sun just starting to appear in the sky, it was quiet and he was alone. Before, he would've set about making breakfast so everything would be ready by the time Tallen woke; lately, he'd instead returned to bed to get up later together. He liked the new routine better.

He paused outside the closed bedroom door, running fingertips down the rough wood

(...warm, so...)

to the iron latch, pulling it up soundlessly

(“I know what you're thinking, boy.”)

(...didn't know anything...)

Tallen was still asleep, the single blanket left around his knees, where it fell as he shrugged it off. Late summer now, it was warm enough

(...like a sauna...)

it wasn't even noticed. Tallen's skin looked golden in the dim light

(fire light)

soft and inviting

(flushed and sweat drenched)

eyes closed and breathing

(thick and labored)

quiet, peaceful.

(…)

(“-why you've been sniffing around after-”)

Breath caught in his throat, fingers curled tight on the doorjamb.

He's so

(close, never been so-)

beautiful

(“Catch you near him again-”)

(...won't find out, how could he...)

He walked back across the room, taking care to be silent, to stay out of the light

(shouldn't...I shouldn't...)

knelt down on the bed, just to the side, and watched.

Golden lashes fanned closed, his chest moving up and down

(close, he's so...)

He'd fallen asleep lying against that chest, this night and many nights past, when their positions were not reversed. He knew what that skin feels like, tastes like, how it could shiver and moan. There was very little he didn't know, now.

(“I know what you're thinking...”)

His hand outstretched, hovering over the sleeping body

(wait, don't)

(...but I did...)

lowered slowly, carefully, until it made contact with skin sleep warm

(hot, wet)

His body went stiff, head jerking up, eyes wide, expecting...

(a gasp)

(a grip around his wrist, tight and burning, yanking forward, off balance)

...nothing, Tallen remained asleep.

He released his held breath, made himself relax.

...its not, I'm not

(-be angry when he-)

safe, I'm safe here, I am.

He fingers flexed, moving unimpeded over Tallen's body.

(...what was I thinking?)

(...was I...?)

He knew where to touch to provoke reaction, watching Tallen stir, a soft sigh, one arm sweeping lazily out, in search of a bed partner he expected to be there. He did not wake up.

He needs to wake up

(panic, trapped, I'm-)

(am? was?)

safe, I'm safe here, no need to

(why did I-)

One part of Tallen was waking, responding to familiar stimulation without the conscious mind needed. He watched, fascinated still, hands moving down newly learned paths to where his attention was most wanted, fingers wrapping around it.

Tallen moaned softly

(loud, rasping, head rolling back)

eyes fluttering open at last. “Mmm, good morning.”

He smiled in greeting, hand still moving, he knew what to do now, didn't need to concentrate as much, he could focus instead on those pine needle eyes.

(glassy green, looking at him, looking through him)

“And what did I do to deserve this?”

Pupils dilated, small tics in his face, breathing slightly heavier

(as captured fingers drag across his neck, his face, disappear in his open mouth, stifling those sounds. Eyes turn black, everything in motion, he looks so...)

“...what?” spoken through half nervous laughter.

He blinked, having leaned

(pulled)

forward a little, peering at that face, so familiar but not like this.

(is it?)

Smiling, Tallen put a hand on his knee, sliding upward.

“No,” he grabbed the hand by the wrist

(hot, punishing grip, trapping, pulling...)

pulling it off and pinning it to the bed.

Tallen looked surprised through that unfocused half awake pleasure haze. “What?”

“I'm – want to watch.”

The surprise only grew, “You want to what?”

“Your face, is...loud,” no, that wasn't it, “-expressive.”

“...it is?”

“Yes.” Tallen was not vocal, not like himself unable to help it, soft sounds, a breath and a sigh; his face though, it spoke what his voice did not, and it was so...so... “I want to watch.”

“Um, okay.” Red crept into Tallen's cheeks, spreading down his neck.

Startled, his mind grasped for the right word. “You're – shy.”

“I am not,” trying to sound outraged, but couldn't stop smiling, “I'm bashful.” A pause, then, quietly, “There's never been anyone just wanted to look at me.”

“Why? You're...”

“What?”

“...beautiful.”

(pine green and autumn gold, sparks of lively color in a land so white and brown)

(“I know what you're thinking.”)

Tallen's face got redder, “I'll be anything you want. Just don't stop, please.”

He had, during the conversation, resuming with an apology.

Tallen's self consciousness lessened gradually, while he hovered over, leaned closer

(near on top)

darkened eyes, parted lips, flushed skin. His free hand moved up, chest, neck, fingers spreading up under the chin, two tapping gently at his lips, until Tallen got the message and opened wider

(hot, wet and hot, a strong tongue pressing under and between fingers)

Leaning

(pulling)

forward, half draped over him, replacing fingers with his lips, letting Tallen kiss him through orgasm while he

(still, very still)

responded just as eagerly.

(on your knees in the snow, fingers to your lips, tender, different...frightened still now, but later, later, when you think back on it...)

(“Where have you been-”)

“-all my life.”

“Huh?” Tallen didn't let it distract him more than a moment, arms wrapping around him, “God, you're so...so...”

He closed his eyes.

(...he will be angry, so angry...)

(“Remember what I told you, boy? Come over here, now, see what you made me do.”)

“Hey,” spoken with such concern, it made him open his eyes again, Tallen watching him, “Are you all right?” Thumbs brushed gently across his cheeks, coming away wet.

He jerked away, sitting upright quickly, wiping at his eyes, finding the same result.

...I'm crying?

(how? why?)

(what am I...what do I...?)

“Winter?”

“...I don't know,” whispered words, “I don't know what I was thinking, not anymore.”

“What?” Tallen's face was uncertain, trying to decide if he should be worried.

He shook his head, “Nothing. Just a...dream I – had, once.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” a pause, “...I'm sorry.”

He was back in Tallen's arms, comforting at first, then gradually testing interest in reciprocity. He smiled into Tallen's neck, hands running through his hair, over his scalp, while inside a strong heart beat rhythmically against his listening ear.

(alive...alive...)

---

He awoke alone, hearing voices on the other side of the closed door. Curious, he got up, was almost out before he remembered clothes; if Tallen were by himself he would not have bothered, but that didn't sound to be the case.

It was Finn, leaning against the table while Tallen made breakfast. He'd no doubt come from working, the yellow fishing gear still wet, and no doubt work was what they were discussing. He stayed in the doorway, watching without really listening; Tallen was engaged, smiling, with sleep mussed hair and an unbuttoned shirt. Pine needle eyes found him, softening with fondness.

Finn turned his head, nodding politely as usual. “Morning.” But something made him pause, eyes narrowed in consideration. Looking to Tallen, back to him, back again. “Oh,” and louder, “Oh. So that's what you've been doing the last few days.”

Tallen's head was lowered, pretending great interest in the food he was making, “I don't know what you're talking about.”

“Sam has been looking for you, but you haven't been in any of your usual places. I wasn't even sure you'd be here.” Finn crossed his arms on the table, seeming satisfied with the knowledge, “So, is this where that smile you've been wearing all month came from? Well, on behalf of the entire village, let me say its about time.”

Tallen glanced up, raising a skeptical eyebrow, “The whole village? Really?”

“Don't look at me like that. Spent years now watching you dance around him, acting like an idiot, jumping to everyone else instead. You're not as subtle as you think, lad, the only one who didn't know was him.” a thumb jerked in his direction, “I was getting ready to tell him myself.”

“Well, thankfully, I came to my senses before you could do something so...awkward.”

“It was a last resort,” Finn sat back with a grin, “So. When's the wedding?”

Tallen groaned, “This is – its been a month. I haven't even told anyone yet, because its too soon. I am not talking about this.”

“Its not like you just met,” came the retort, “Look me in the eye.”

Tallen leaned closer, wide eyed, “Go away, Finn.”

Finn laughed, “Very well, I'll see you tomorrow.” Standing up, Finn turned, nodding politely to him again, “Congratulations. I mean that.”

When he was gone, Tallen put his face in his hands, “Well, that was embarrassing.”

He supposed it was, but his mind was elsewhere. “You...smile?”

“I always have!”

(no...you don't, not anymore...)

Another groan, “Was I really that obvious?”

He frowned, “I...don't know.”

(“Sometimes...you want things you can't have.”)

“Gods within, I hope not.”

He tried to find something to say, “People are – happy.”

“Yeah, there is that,” a grin, “And they'll all be even happier in an hour or two.” Silence returned, Tallen held up the breakfast pan, “I was going to bring you this in bed.”

“Oh?” that had happened a few times before; he felt his toes curl in anticipation, “I can – go, back.”

“You do that. Oh, and Winter?”

“...yes?”

“You know that's my shirt, right?”

---

The first thing that came back was his sight, staring up with no sense of what he was looking at. The sense returned next, fragmented mind pulling back together into a functional whole that knew again where he was, what had happened.

His fingers were curled tightly in the sheets, locked in place, he had to force them to move, to release. His body was so loose, unmade, and so...so very... He turned his head to the side, searching for the source of that.

Tallen was sitting on the other end of their bed, gazing out the window with an expression far too somber. He tried to reach out, touch, but his limbs were slow to respond. No matter, Tallen sensed the movement and turned back, pine needle eyes filled with concern. “Are you all right?”

He nodded, better than all right, in fact, much better.

“...did I hurt you?”

“No.”

“Sure?”

“You won't.” And he didn't know why they were even discussing this, “Why – why would-”

“You've been – non responsive, for five minutes. At least.”

Had it been that long? He flexed his hand, Tallen took it and pulled him upright. His head swam, only for a moment. “You won't – not hurt, not.”

“We don't have to do that again.”

Tallen tried to take his hand back but he held on, fingers walking up the arm; touch helped, afterward, to make him feel settled, and he very much needed that now. “You...wanted to.”

“I like what we've been doing, too. Its not a – its okay.”

There had been something different this time, he knew that, just as he knew Tallen was only saying this for his benefit. He wished that would stop, they had moved past it until very recently; he hoped it would pass quicker this second time.

He tried to speak, to find words where there were none. “It – it was not, bad. It was...a lot.” Different, yet again in a way that surprised. To think, he had once thought all touch the same, bare or not, inside or out, how very wrong he had been. He remembered a wave of feeling that grew, bigger and bigger, until he was sure he'd break beneath it. “I would – get used to it.”

Tallen frowned, “What do you mean?”

“I...always have to,” he tugged on Tallen' arm, urging him closer, “get used to things – every thing.” Leaned back against that warm body, pulling the arm he never released around himself, feeling his nerves sigh with relief. “I got used, to this.”

“True,” lips touched the top of his head, “I remember you used to tense up if I put a hand on your shoulder.”

(I used to be...)

(a loud voice and a reaching hand, his breath is gone, running to the corner)

(“Well, what...what happened in there?”)

(...hetriedtokillme, hetriedtokillme...)

(“I – don't know. But I'm sure its my fault.”)

“I don't anymore.”

“No, you definitely don't,” lips pressing at his temple, “I like this much better.”

He did, too. “I would get – used to this, too. In time.”

Arms wrapped tight around him, squeezing. “Are you inviting me, then, Winter?”

It surprised a laugh out of him. “If you want.”

“Oh, I want. I want,” face buried in his neck, breathing him in, “You were so...so...”

“What?”

“Perfect. Its perfect, all of it.”

He smiled, settling back, relaxed, comfortable. That was a description he could agree with, never would've imagined such a thing existed, that he would find it.

Tallen let out a long breath, “And I feel so stupid now. I'd had all this built up in my head, like...like an alien thing. No one told me that, its just what I thought. And I was so wrong.”

“You were?”

A nod, “Its different, yeah. Its,” lips on his neck, just where he liked it, “better. You're better.” another kiss, arms tightening again, “I could listen to those sounds you make forever. Never want anything else.”

He frowned, twisting his head around, trying to look at him. “You – you don't want...wife?”

(children? What about...?)

“I don't want another man either,” Pine needle eyes smiled down at him, a finger stroked his cheek, “You'll do.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. I love you,” his smile soft, fond, “I know its soon, but fuck it, Finn's right. I've known you forever, and...”

He couldn't speak, watching Tallen's face, his expression.

“I've loved you at least that long. When I met you-”

(“Is that some new fishing technique I don't know? Hoping maybe they'll just jump on in?”)

“-there was something. I didn't know what, but there was.”

(“Where have you been-”)

The look in his eyes, the set of his lips, the way hands kept touching him... He'd gotten better at this, faces, how they connect to emotion, a written language all their own; better now, so even if he didn't know the word he could imagine the feeling behind it.

(“I know what you're thinking-”)

That look, he knew that feeling, knew it because...

(“Don't even think about it.”)

(shut up, shut up, you're not even here anymore)

“I love you – too.”

The way Tallen's eyes lit up, the way his smile grew hearing that, the feeling choked his throat. “From the first time-”

(golden fingers skimming the surface of an icy lake)

“-I saw you.”

(...you were right...it was always too late...)

---

They stood together in the village center, a small but happy crowd gathered round to witness their vows. Their hands tied together with red cord, each wearing a ceremonial metal crown set with small purple stones, and flowers scattered at their feet. Someone in the back played a traditional folk song, adapted from an old charm for lasting love.

He stood in awe of the reaction; he did not know any of them very well, but they all knew Tallen and they were all genuinely happy for the both of them. The opinion he heard the most was finally. He'd never felt such approval from so many; Tallen seemed both touched and embarrassed.

At day's end they were out on Finn's boat, lent to them for their two day celebration. Pleased to find that he did know his way around a boat, Tallen pushed the aether stores as much as he could, to take them far enough out for privacy. They were laid out together in time to watch the stars come out.

“Well, that was...liberating,” Tallen chuckled beneath him, fingers trailing up and down his spine, “Glad we did it. You?”

Couldn't say he understood the fuss around public nudity, but he nodded anyway, it had been a perfect ending.

“Finn will make jokes about this every time we go out now.”

“You could...make jokes – back?”

Tallen groaned, “Oh no. They're practically my parents.” But he laughed, again, as he had been all day long.

He looked down at that smiling face in the moonlight, same as he saw it in the ocean breeze, and in the village making sweet promises to him. The thought had been circulating in his head for some time, but now, today, he could finally give voice to it. “You're happy.”

“You say that like you just realized it.”

“But you haven't been...for so long.”

(so very long...)

Tallen's expression turned more serious, “I was pretty miserable then, wasn't I?” hands moved down to his sides, “Good thing I came to my senses, right?”

“So, this...” he said, “all – this...was, me?” That was what he couldn't understand.

(...was it always?)

(“Don't think you'd say that if you knew what I...”)

“It was impossible for me, trying to keep it all hidden. I'm not sure how I managed anymore.”

“...all – for me?”

“Why not? You're worth it.”

Was he? He leaned closer, looked deep in pine needle eyes, “This is what you want? This – all this, what you wanted?”

“I said as much today. Should I say it again?”

“Yes. Your – your words.”

Hands cupped his face, lips brushing against his own, “You, Winter. Only you. Now, forever.”

(...forever)

“I thought you needed more...family?”

“What do you think you are?” a laugh, good natured, “We've been together so long anyway. I can't see myself without you. There's no one else like that. Isn't that what counts?”

(...that's true. Other people come and go, I'm still here, he's still here...is that what counts?)

“And what about you?” Tallen's hands stroked his sides, “Is this what you want?”

“Never thought I'd – married.” he wondered how long it would be before that stopped feeling so odd.

“But now that you are?” That was not a questioning look, Tallen already knew the answer, and it pleased him to hear it, again and again.

“If its-” the words started to come automatically, a stock response

(what you want)

but he stopped

(no)

Time passes, things change, and not just for Tallen. He's learned much, experienced things he'd never thought possible; everything, everything was different now.

(maybe...I deserve to be happy, too?)

“...I am,” his voice came quietly, sneaking up on him; then, more certainly, “I am. I really am.”

“Am what?”

“Happy,” his smile grew, it wasn't a stock reaction. It was real, he felt it, all of it, he really did. “I want this. All – this. Everything. You. I do.”

Tolerance built slowly, riding those intense waves of feeling for longer each time. Tallen helped it along, recognizing the signs, slowing down or stopping, at cost to himself clearly, but he never seemed to care. It grew in power, greater than anything felt before. Growing and growing, his throat hoarse and fingers clawing at Tallen's back with bruising force; growing and growing, until tears streamed down his face, vision going white.

(like a snowfield, beautiful, pristine white as far as the eye can see, unbroken, undisturbed)

(except where it was green and gold)