Shades of Lies - 1. Story

Shades of Lies

By Ieshwar

 

“This came by post today,” Daniel said.

 

He slid the brown envelope across the table. He clenched his fingers as he recalled the photos in it: those of his boyfriend hugging and kissing some stranger. Images of Rick laughing with his hands around that guy flashed in Daniel’s mind. There was a time when Rick used to laugh like that with him, that infectious heartwarming laugh. Now he realized that it was long gone…

 

He watched Rick open the envelope and looked at the content. It was just as he had imagined it. There was the shock, the panic and finally the sigh. Daniel knew him too well. After all, they had been together for more than three years.

 

“Dan, I meant to tell you about Jim…”

 

“How long?”

 

“Dan…”

 

“No lies today, Rick. How long have you been doing this behind my back?”

 

“Five months.”

 

Daniel nodded. Five months… He had been a fool for five months and he had no idea. It seemed that he didn’t know Rick as well as he had thought, at least not well enough to see that Rick was deceiving him.

 

Two tears fell on the table. He hadn’t even known that he was crying. He hurriedly wiped his face.

 

“Dan…”

 

“Nah, Rick, I’m good. Bye.”

 

He rose from his seat and walked away from the crowded restaurant.

 

 

 

The nude boy walked away as bravely as he could. But people kept staring at him. Some were pointing fingers at him. Some were whispering behind him. He sought something to protect himself, a cover, a shelter. He ran away, leaving a trail of tears behind him.

 

 

 

Daniel sat in his room, the lit cigarette between his fingers sending spirals of smoke in the air. His sunken eyes gazed ahead, oblivious to the mess around him. Cigarette butts, empty vodka bottles and half-eaten fast food boxes were strewn around. The bed had been left unmade for days. Some movie was playing on the TV, which he wasn’t even watching. This was where he had been hiding for the past two weeks.

 

Rick had moved out the same day Daniel handed him the pictures. When Daniel returned to his apartment later that night, all of Rick’s stuff was gone with his set of the keys resting on the counter. There was no note or any call afterward. That was it- the end of a three year relationship.

 

Since then, thoughts of Rick continued haunting him. He remembered the moments they had spent together- their first kiss, when they first moved in together, the trip they had taken to Hawaii. Then, he recalled the lies and the pretend-love. He saw Rick calling his fuck-buddy late at night after he had gone to bed. He saw Rick making love to him while thinking about someone else. He saw Rick laughing behind his back while he strived to find time for their love life.

 

Where had Daniel gone wrong? He had loved Rick beyond limits. He had done everything he could to make things work. He had switched jobs to spend more time with him. He had abandoned friends Rick hadn’t approved of. He had even changed apartments for him. But Daniel never complained. For he had loved him.

 

All Daniel got out of his relationship was pain, tears and humiliation. He had been mocked and cheated on for five months, and probably much more. He never felt so insulted in his life. It was as if Rick had stripped him bare and left him naked for everyone to taunt. His self-respect, that of Daniel Wright, was shattered.

 

 

 

The nude boy curled up in a ball in a dark corner. He quivered at the blinking lights and the moving shapes. He moved further in the shadows. He wiped away tears thousands of times but they never stopped. Blood oozed out of his wounds, running along his arms. And the agony in his chest kept increasing as each moment passed.

 

 

 

“Daniel, you need to get over that jerk. It’s been three months and you still carry that morose face everywhere you go. Come on, it’s time you move on,” Garth said as he wiped the glasses.

 

“I’m trying. Ok?” Daniel replied coldly.

 

“By giving cold stares to every guy who walks near you? Every time some guy talks to you, you push him away. You need to start sometime somewhere. Why not now and here? I’m not telling you to jump in a relationship or in someone’s bed. But open up, talk to people. It will do you good.”

 

Daniel said nothing. He simply stared quietly at his empty glass. Garth walked away. He was right. Physically, Daniel had got back to his daily life but emotionally, he was still stuck in his grim bedroom. The fact remained that every guy reminded him of Rick and his lies.

 

“Hi!” Daniel turned and saw a young man grinning at him.

 

“Hi,” he said. The guy was kind of cute with wavy long brown hair falling to his shoulders and a lopsided grin.

 

“Can I buy you a drink?”

 

The boy stood nude in the shadows. Light lay a few steps ahead. And with it was all the pain and tears. Would he be able to risk it? He retreated back a few steps. And then, he walked forward some steps. He gulped loudly as he tried to calm his shaking body.

 

“Ok.”

 

He placed his toe in the light.

 

“By the way, I’m Jeff,” the stranger said as he took a seat on the stool next to his.

 

“I’m Da-Darren.”

 

As he moved from darkness to light, he glanced at his hands. Thick paint dripped from his fingers. Without any thought, he smeared the paint on his face.

 

“Nice to meet you.”

 

“Same here. College student?”

 

“Yup. Normally, I hang out near the campus. But today, I drove here. Felt like it,” he laughed, “And you?”

 

“I work in a high school. Just started…”

 

He daubed more of the paint on his face.

 

“…but even I drove all the way here. Not exactly out back at home.”

 

Another splatter of paint.

 

“Oh. Where do you live, if you don’t mind me asking?”

 

The rest of the night dissolved in mindless chatter. Daniel had no idea why he lied about himself. Even if it seemed wrong, he made no attempt to correct it and he spent the whole night spilling information about ‘Darren’. It wasn’t easy. Yet it didn’t feel completely unnatural or difficult. It was like describing a hidden part of him, the part which he could never be. He spent the whole time discovering things about Jeff as well as Darren.

 

 

 

The nude boy stared at himself in the mirror, or rather the stranger’s reflection. Paint of every color covered his skin. Here was a streak of blue and there a bit of green and a spatter of yellow. He no longer looked himself- the sniveling weakling. And the best part was under the paint, no one saw his tears and his wounds. No one would make fun of him now.

 

But was what he did right?

 

 

 

Daniel checked his watch. Fifteen more minutes to go before the end of his break.

 

“One coffee to go, please,” he said to the boy behind the counter. He took out his wallet to get his card.

 

“Darren?”

 

He turned in time to see Jeff enter the coffee shop. He had cut his hair short last week. He still looked cute with his warm hazel eyes. But Daniel missed the long hair. He got used to the bangs after seeing them for almost a month.

 

“Hey, Jeff!”

 

“Hi, what are you doing here?” he asked with big round eyes as he approached him, “Are you not supposed to be at school?”

 

“Yeah but…” he started. It wasn’t the first time he had to rack his head to find an answer for Jeff. “Forget about me. How are you? What are you doing here?”

 

“I’m fine. I went to the art supplies store. The shade I was looking for at their branch in my region was out of stock. What happened? You look pale.”

 

Daniel paid the boy and took his coffee. Taking a deep breath, he turned and looked at the expectant face of the guy he had been dating. Like every time he had met Jeff, a thought crossed his mind- to tell the truth. But like always, he banished it without much reflection.

 

“I was outed back home,” he blurted out.

 

“What? How?”

 

“I guess I’ve been growing rather careless lately. A bunch of friends confronted me yesterday and they weren’t rather positive about it. It got really messy,” Daniel said without even thinking. He rubbed his forehead as he heard himself speak.

 

“Oh my god.”

 

“By now, I guess people even at school must know. After all the stuff yesterday, I didn’t want to face them today.”

 

“I understand but you need to. Anyway, we’ve got organizations for gay rights now. You shouldn’t let them scare you. It will just fuel them more. And you shouldn’t stay alone in this situation. You want me to come over tonight? I have no classes tomorrow.”

 

“That would be good,” Daniel smiled.

 

“Fine. I’ll drop the art supplies at my friend’s and I’ll come to your place later?”

 

“No!” Daniel said, “After last night’s trouble, I’m staying at a friend’s place. It’s in this neighborhood itself, over on the next block. He’s out of town and he let me his house for some time.”

 

Jeff nodded.

 

“See you later. Bye.”

 

“Bye.”

 

 

 

The nude boy blinked in the lights. Questions had long since disappeared. The paint had become his daily make-up, his protection against the inquisitive burning lights and its residents. Now, there were no wounds or tears. Just scars hidden deep under the paints.

 

 

 

“What happened?” Daniel asked as he sipped the coffee. Jeff sat opposite him. They had been together for almost four months now. He wondered if it was time to tell Jeff the truth. He didn’t feel right about lying to him. Yet he didn’t know how Jeff would react when told the truth. Would he still like him? And the truth remained that Daniel felt safe being Darren.

 

“I don’t know how to tell you this,” Jeff said. He looked rather jittery and he kept shifting on his seat. His fingers twisted against each other. “You’re a nice guy, Darren. A really nice guy. But I don’t think it’s working between us. First there’s the distance between our places. And second, I think we’re looking for different things. We aren’t meant for each other. I’m sure there’s another guy out there for you, much better than me. I’m really sorry.”

 

Daniel nodded.

 

“But if ever you need a friend, I’m here for you. Ok? I need to get going now. Take care, Darren. Bye.”

 

“Bye.”

 

Jeff got up and left. Daniel stared at the vacant spot. It brought back memories. His lips tightened. He remembered how humiliated and insulted he had felt. The emotions rushed back to him. What was wrong with him?

 

Then, it occurred to him. Jeff never knew him; he only knew Darren. He thought about Darren. He looked so perfect. Perhaps, he wasn’t. Was it the nerdy teacher feel? Or the needy just-outed guy? But the bottom line was that he failed no one. Jeff didn’t reject Daniel.

 

With a smile, he rose from his seat. He had barely made it a few steps when he felt someone collide against him. He fell down and landed on his butt.

 

“Fuck,” he uttered. He raised his head and saw a guy hastily gathering a dozen fallen books. His hair was in a real mess, sticking in all directions and his glasses were rather skewed.

 

“I’m so sorry,” he kept saying to Daniel. He got to his feet with rather some difficulty. His face was scrunched in a grimace.

 

“Those look very heavy,” Daniel noticed, “Want some help?”

 

“Really?” he asked. He moved his glasses back into place with one hand and some of the books fell down again. He tried to get them back and the rest of the books joined the others on the floor.

 

Daniel got down on his knees. He scooped up half of the books. He glanced at the titles: “How to assume your homosexuality?”, “Being gay isn’t a sin” and “Be gay, be happy.”

 

“You live nearby? I can drop you, if you want,” Daniel offered.

 

“Thanks. If it’s not much of a bother.”

 

“Nah, it’s fine.”

 

“Thanks. By the way, I’m Brian. Pleased to meet you.”

 

“I’m Steve. Same here.”

 

 

 

The boy gazed at his reflection. Every day, new paint in a new shade covered his skin. And by now, he had forgotten what he looked like under all this colorful veneer.

 

 

 

Daniel looked at the lone man standing under the yellow light of the lamp post. The tall athletic frame told him that it was indeed Zack. Bracing himself, he stepped in the heavy rain. He had barely made it a few steps and he was drenched till his skin.

 

“Why are you standing here in the rain?” Daniel said loudly over the splatter of the rain, “You’re going to be sick.”

 

Zack turned and faced him. The usual smile with the two dimples was gone. Instead, the lips were tightened into a line and red eyes glowered at him.

 

“Tim Emerson,” he hissed, “That’s your name, right?”

 

“Yes,” Daniel frowned.

 

“Yeah? So can you tell me who the hell is Daniel Wright?” For first time, Daniel had no answer. “Can you? Let me tell you. There’s no fucking Tim Emerson. There’s just a Daniel Wright who’s a lying fucker. Everything you told me was lies. Everything! From your passion for photography to your date of birth. Why did you do this to me? What was I? Just a silly toy for you to play with, to pass your time?”

 

Daniel stayed quiet. He felt the drop of rains roll down his hands. He kept his eyes down staring at the puddle at his feet.

 

“Why did you do this to me? Did I ever wrong you in any way?”

 

“No, Zack,” Daniel said, “It’s not about you. It has nothing to do with you. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you…”

 

“But you did, didn’t you?” Zack said, “In the end, I’m feeling like a complete fool. You’ve been lying to me for the past five months and I believed your every word like some nut. You’ve no right to play with someone’s feelings like that.”

 

He gazed at Zack’s retreating back. He ran his hand through his hair, which was now plastered against his scalp. He truthfully never intended to hurt someone. He had been Darren for Jeff, Steve for Brian, Matt for Eddy, Travis for Will and finally Tim for Zack. His relationship with each one lasted only a couple of months, never more than five, but he cared for them. He didn’t lie to fool or play with them. But could it be that he was wrong?

 

Forgotten memories floated back. Daniel recalled the anger, the frustration and the pain he had felt a few years ago. Could it be that today he was guilty of the same sin that Rick had committed? Was he really being so unfair? He stood in the rain as he looked for an answer. His heart sank as he thought of all the people that he might have hurt. Did he wrong them just as Rick had wronged him?

 

He shook his head, sending drops of water everywhere. Rick had cheated on him; he had lied to Daniel for his own sexual pleasure. Daniel lied to protect himself. He just didn’t want to feel that hurt and humiliation again. And he had the right to look out for himself.

 

With his head held high, he walked away toward a shelter from the rain.

 

 

 

The boy stood in the rain. He gazed at the paint covering him. It had long solidified and now formed a thick layer encasing his body. It had become an armor protecting him against the painful inflictions from this world of light. It hid all his flaws and scars. Nothing could budge this armor. Not a drink. Not rain. Not tears.

 

Neither his.

 

Nor others.

 

© 2009 Ieshwar

Story Discussion

  

 

 

 

 

 

“This came by post today,” Daniel said.

 

He slid the brown envelope across the table. He clenched his fingers as he recalled the photos in it: those of his boyfriend hugging and kissing some stranger. Images of Rick laughing with his hands around that guy flashed in Daniel’s mind. There was a time when Rick used to laugh like that with him, that infectious heartwarming laugh. Now he realized that it was long gone…

 

He watched Rick open the envelope and looked at the content. It was just as he had imagined it. There was the shock, the panic and finally the sigh. Daniel knew him too well. After all, they had been together for more than three years.

 

“Dan, I meant to tell you about Jim…”

 

“How long?”

 

“Dan…”

 

“No lies today, Rick. How long have you been doing this behind my back?”

 

“Five months.”

 

Daniel nodded. Five months… He had been a fool for five months and he had no idea. It seemed that he didn’t know Rick as well as he had thought, at least not well enough to see that Rick was deceiving him.

 

Two tears fell on the table. He hadn’t even known that he was crying. He hurriedly wiped his face.

 

“Dan…”

 

“Nah, Rick, I’m good. Bye.”

 

He rose from his seat and walked away from the crowded restaurant.

 

 

 

The nude boy walked away as bravely as he could. But people kept staring at him. Some were pointing fingers at him. Some were whispering behind him. He sought something to protect himself, a cover, a shelter. He ran away, leaving a trail of tears behind him.

 

 

 

Daniel sat in his room, the lit cigarette between his fingers sending spirals of smoke in the air. His sunken eyes gazed ahead, oblivious to the mess around him. Cigarette butts, empty vodka bottles and half-eaten fast food boxes were strewn around. The bed had been left unmade for days. Some movie was playing on the TV, which he wasn’t even watching. This was where he had been hiding for the past two weeks.

 

Rick had moved out the same day Daniel handed him the pictures. When Daniel returned to his apartment later that night, all of Rick’s stuff was gone with his set of the keys resting on the counter. There was no note or any call afterward. That was it- the end of a three year relationship.

 

Since then, thoughts of Rick continued haunting him. He remembered the moments they had spent together- their first kiss, when they first moved in together, the trip they had taken to Hawaii. Then, he recalled the lies and the pretend-love. He saw Rick calling his fuck-buddy late at night after he had gone to bed. He saw Rick making love to him while thinking about someone else. He saw Rick laughing behind his back while he strived to find time for their love life.

 

Where had Daniel gone wrong? He had loved Rick beyond limits. He had done everything he could to make things work. He had switched jobs to spend more time with him. He had abandoned friends Rick hadn’t approved of. He had even changed apartments for him. But Daniel never complained. For he had loved him.

 

All Daniel got out of his relationship was pain, tears and humiliation. He had been mocked and cheated on for five months, and probably much more. He never felt so insulted in his life. It was as if Rick had stripped him bare and left him naked for everyone to taunt. His self-respect, that of Daniel Wright, was shattered.

 

 

 

The nude boy curled up in a ball in a dark corner. He quivered at the blinking lights and the moving shapes. He moved further in the shadows. He wiped away tears thousands of times but they never stopped. Blood oozed out of his wounds, running along his arms. And the agony in his chest kept increasing as each moment passed.

 

 

 

“Daniel, you need to get over that jerk. It’s been three months and you still carry that morose face everywhere you go. Come on, it’s time you move on,” Garth said as he wiped the glasses.

 

“I’m trying. Ok?” Daniel replied coldly.

 

“By giving cold stares to every guy who walks near you? Every time some guy talks to you, you push him away. You need to start sometime somewhere. Why not now and here? I’m not telling you to jump in a relationship or in someone’s bed. But open up, talk to people. It will do you good.”

 

Daniel said nothing. He simply stared quietly at his empty glass. Garth walked away. He was right. Physically, Daniel had got back to his daily life but emotionally, he was still stuck in his grim bedroom. The fact remained that every guy reminded him of Rick and his lies.

 

“Hi!” Daniel turned and saw a young man grinning at him.

 

“Hi,” he said. The guy was kind of cute with wavy long brown hair falling to his shoulders and a lopsided grin.

 

“Can I buy you a drink?”

 

The boy stood nude in the shadows. Light lay a few steps ahead. And with it was all the pain and tears. Would he be able to risk it? He retreated back a few steps. And then, he walked forward some steps. He gulped loudly as he tried to calm his shaking body.

 

“Ok.”

 

He placed his toe in the light.

 

“By the way, I’m Jeff,” the stranger said as he took a seat on the stool next to his.

 

“I’m Da-Darren.”

 

As he moved from darkness to light, he glanced at his hands. Thick paint dripped from his fingers. Without any thought, he smeared the paint on his face.

 

“Nice to meet you.”

 

“Same here. College student?”

 

“Yup. Normally, I hang out near the campus. But today, I drove here. Felt like it,” he laughed, “And you?”

 

“I work in a high school. Just started…”

 

He daubed more of the paint on his face.

 

“…but even I drove all the way here. Not exactly out back at home.”

 

Another splatter of paint.

 

“Oh. Where do you live, if you don’t mind me asking?”

 

The rest of the night dissolved in mindless chatter. Daniel had no idea why he lied about himself. Even if it seemed wrong, he made no attempt to correct it and he spent the whole night spilling information about ‘Darren’. It wasn’t easy. Yet it didn’t feel completely unnatural or difficult. It was like describing a hidden part of him, the part which he could never be. He spent the whole time discovering things about Jeff as well as Darren.

 

 

 

The nude boy stared at himself in the mirror, or rather the stranger’s reflection. Paint of every color covered his skin. Here was a streak of blue and there a bit of green and a spatter of yellow. He no longer looked himself- the sniveling weakling. And the best part was under the paint, no one saw his tears and his wounds. No one would make fun of him now.

 

But was what he did right?

 

 

 

Daniel checked his watch. Fifteen more minutes to go before the end of his break.

 

“One coffee to go, please,” he said to the boy behind the counter. He took out his wallet to get his card.

 

“Darren?”

 

He turned in time to see Jeff enter the coffee shop. He had cut his hair short last week. He still looked cute with his warm hazel eyes. But Daniel missed the long hair. He got used to the bangs after seeing them for almost a month.

 

“Hey, Jeff!”

 

“Hi, what are you doing here?” he asked with big round eyes as he approached him, “Are you not supposed to be at school?”

 

“Yeah but…” he started. It wasn’t the first time he had to rack his head to find an answer for Jeff. “Forget about me. How are you? What are you doing here?”

 

“I’m fine. I went to the art supplies store. The shade I was looking for at their branch in my region was out of stock. What happened? You look pale.”

 

Daniel paid the boy and took his coffee. Taking a deep breath, he turned and looked at the expectant face of the guy he had been dating. Like every time he had met Jeff, a thought crossed his mind- to tell the truth. But like always, he banished it without much reflection.

 

“I was outed back home,” he blurted out.

 

“What? How?”

 

“I guess I’ve been growing rather careless lately. A bunch of friends confronted me yesterday and they weren’t rather positive about it. It got really messy,” Daniel said without even thinking. He rubbed his forehead as he heard himself speak.

 

“Oh my god.”

 

“By now, I guess people even at school must know. After all the stuff yesterday, I didn’t want to face them today.”

 

“I understand but you need to. Anyway, we’ve got organizations for gay rights now. You shouldn’t let them scare you. It will just fuel them more. And you shouldn’t stay alone in this situation. You want me to come over tonight? I have no classes tomorrow.”

 

“That would be good,” Daniel smiled.

 

“Fine. I’ll drop the art supplies at my friend’s and I’ll come to your place later?”

 

“No!” Daniel said, “After last night’s trouble, I’m staying at a friend’s place. It’s in this neighborhood itself, over on the next block. He’s out of town and he let me his house for some time.”

 

Jeff nodded.

 

“See you later. Bye.”

 

“Bye.”

 

 

 

The nude boy blinked in the lights. Questions had long since disappeared. The paint had become his daily make-up, his protection against the inquisitive burning lights and its residents. Now, there were no wounds or tears. Just scars hidden deep under the paints.

 

 

 

“What happened?” Daniel asked as he sipped the coffee. Jeff sat opposite him. They had been together for almost four months now. He wondered if it was time to tell Jeff the truth. He didn’t feel right about lying to him. Yet he didn’t know how Jeff would react when told the truth. Would he still like him? And the truth remained that Daniel felt safe being Darren.

 

“I don’t know how to tell you this,” Jeff said. He looked rather jittery and he kept shifting on his seat. His fingers twisted against each other. “You’re a nice guy, Darren. A really nice guy. But I don’t think it’s working between us. First there’s the distance between our places. And second, I think we’re looking for different things. We aren’t meant for each other. I’m sure there’s another guy out there for you, much better than me. I’m really sorry.”

 

Daniel nodded.

 

“But if ever you need a friend, I’m here for you. Ok? I need to get going now. Take care, Darren. Bye.”

 

“Bye.”

 

Jeff got up and left. Daniel stared at the vacant spot. It brought back memories. His lips tightened. He remembered how humiliated and insulted he had felt. The emotions rushed back to him. What was wrong with him?

 

Then, it occurred to him. Jeff never knew him; he only knew Darren. He thought about Darren. He looked so perfect. Perhaps, he wasn’t. Was it the nerdy teacher feel? Or the needy just-outed guy? But the bottom line was that he failed no one. Jeff didn’t reject Daniel.

 

With a smile, he rose from his seat. He had barely made it a few steps when he felt someone collide against him. He fell down and landed on his butt.

 

“Fuck,” he uttered. He raised his head and saw a guy hastily gathering a dozen fallen books. His hair was in a real mess, sticking in all directions and his glasses were rather skewed.

 

“I’m so sorry,” he kept saying to Daniel. He got to his feet with rather some difficulty. His face was scrunched in a grimace.

 

“Those look very heavy,” Daniel noticed, “Want some help?”

 

“Really?” he asked. He moved his glasses back into place with one hand and some of the books fell down again. He tried to get them back and the rest of the books joined the others on the floor.

 

Daniel got down on his knees. He scooped up half of the books. He glanced at the titles: “How to assume your homosexuality?”, “Being gay isn’t a sin” and “Be gay, be happy.”

 

“You live nearby? I can drop you, if you want,” Daniel offered.

 

“Thanks. If it’s not much of a bother.”

 

“Nah, it’s fine.”

 

“Thanks. By the way, I’m Brian. Pleased to meet you.”

 

“I’m Steve. Same here.”

 

 

 

The boy gazed at his reflection. Every day, new paint in a new shade covered his skin. And by now, he had forgotten what he looked like under all this colorful veneer.

 

 

 

Daniel looked at the lone man standing under the yellow light of the lamp post. The tall athletic frame told him that it was indeed Zack. Bracing himself, he stepped in the heavy rain. He had barely made it a few steps and he was drenched till his skin.

 

“Why are you standing here in the rain?” Daniel said loudly over the splatter of the rain, “You’re going to be sick.”

 

Zack turned and faced him. The usual smile with the two dimples was gone. Instead, the lips were tightened into a line and red eyes glowered at him.

 

“Tim Emerson,” he hissed, “That’s your name, right?”

 

“Yes,” Daniel frowned.

 

“Yeah? So can you tell me who the hell is Daniel Wright?” For first time, Daniel had no answer. “Can you? Let me tell you. There’s no fucking Tim Emerson. There’s just a Daniel Wright who’s a lying fucker. Everything you told me was lies. Everything! From your passion for photography to your date of birth. Why did you do this to me? What was I? Just a silly toy for you to play with, to pass your time?”

 

Daniel stayed quiet. He felt the drop of rains roll down his hands. He kept his eyes down staring at the puddle at his feet.

 

“Why did you do this to me? Did I ever wrong you in any way?”

 

“No, Zack,” Daniel said, “It’s not about you. It has nothing to do with you. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you…”

 

“But you did, didn’t you?” Zack said, “In the end, I’m feeling like a complete fool. You’ve been lying to me for the past five months and I believed your every word like some nut. You’ve no right to play with someone’s feelings like that.”

 

He gazed at Zack’s retreating back. He ran his hand through his hair, which was now plastered against his scalp. He truthfully never intended to hurt someone. He had been Darren for Jeff, Steve for Brian, Matt for Eddy, Travis for Will and finally Tim for Zack. His relationship with each one lasted only a couple of months, never more than five, but he cared for them. He didn’t lie to fool or play with them. But could it be that he was wrong?

 

Forgotten memories floated back. Daniel recalled the anger, the frustration and the pain he had felt a few years ago. Could it be that today he was guilty of the same sin that Rick had committed? Was he really being so unfair? He stood in the rain as he looked for an answer. His heart sank as he thought of all the people that he might have hurt. Did he wrong them just as Rick had wronged him?

 

He shook his head, sending drops of water everywhere. Rick had cheated on him; he had lied to Daniel for his own sexual pleasure. Daniel lied to protect himself. He just didn’t want to feel that hurt and humiliation again. And he had the right to look out for himself.

 

With his head held high, he walked away toward a shelter from the rain.

 

 

 

The boy stood in the rain. He gazed at the paint covering him. It had long solidified and now formed a thick layer encasing his body. It had become an armor protecting him against the painful inflictions from this world of light. It hid all his flaws and scars. Nothing could budge this armor. Not a drink. Not rain. Not tears.

 

Neither his.

 

Nor others.