Silver and Gold - 4. Chapter 4

“Stiffer,” Silver shouted.

“Not possible,” Feldspar huffed, his face red with effort. His arm burned but he pushed himself to beat harder, faster. There was no way this would best him again. The egg whites had at least gone opaque and a little thick this time. He wasn’t ready to admit defeat. He wouldn’t. He could do this.

“Stiffer,” Silver repeated, this time lower and full of authority.

Feldspar’s sword arm burned. It ached. His wrist had a twinge in it and it was possible he was going to do actual damage if he kept going. Feldspar groaned and tossed his head side to side. “I yield,” he cried. He shoved the bowl of half-beaten egg whites and whisk back into Silver’s arms, defeated. He’d already tried at the two previous cooking sessions to whip the eggs into stiff peaks by hand. Silver was even letting him use his dominant hand this time. He was starting to think it was impossible. Silver crowed in victory and took the bowl, whipping the eggs with vigor.

When he smugly showed Feldspar the bowl of smooth, stiff peaked egg whites, Feldspar mumbled that he’d gotten them started for Silver. Silver smugly said it was all about technique, not muscle. Feldspar snapped a towel at Silver’s backside when both his hands were occupied pouring the meringue into a pastry bag, cackling at Silver’s indignant yelp. When Silver was done he passed the pastry bag to Feldspar. He still hadn’t earned his whisk tattoo, but he was getting pretty good at piping out the meringue in neat dollops. He met Silver’s eyes over the baking sheet. His gray eyes were twinkling with laughter and his silver hair was still perfectly combed back. Feldspar wanted to sink his hands into it and mess it up. It shouldn’t have been possible to stay so unruffled after whipping the eggs like that. He wanted to feather his fingertips along Silver’s pointed ears. He remembered how that had made Silver shiver so many months ago. For a second he felt like Silver might lean across the counter and kiss him, natural as anything. Silver looked away first, and Feldspar busied himself with finishing the cookies.

Feldspar put the baking sheet into the oven and settled into a nest of pillows in Silver’s sitting area to wait for them to be done. Silver poured him fresh-squeezed guava juice and flopped down on the floor pillow next to him. Feldspar glanced at his friend and felt a rush of gratitude for Silver’s easy friendship. Over the last month he’d been sleeping better, drinking less, and feeling happy more often than not. He felt like himself again, maybe even a better version of himself.

Silver looked up and caught him staring. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“Dude, you’re staring.”

“I most certainly was not.”

“Uh huh.”

“I was just trying to figure out if your arms are in fact made of metal. Daniella has informed me of the wonders of modern robotics and you do spend quite a bit of time with humans. It’s the only possible explanation for how proficient you are with a whisk.”

Silver snorted in response. “Whatever. You don’t have to tell me what you were really thinking.”

Feldspar smirked and leaned back so he could look at the ceiling. The thought of telling Silver what he had really been thinking about made his heart feel like it was tied up in knots.

“I was thinking I haven’t felt this good in a long time,” he said after a lengthy silence. Feldspar peeked at Silver. He was smiling bashfully as he looked at his lap while he fiddled with a thread on his pants. Feldspar had the strongest urge to tackle him. He wanted to mess him up, squeeze him, devour him. He wanted to hold him softly and make him blush and go soft. He wanted and wanted. He wanted so many things he didn’t know what to do with himself. “After everything with Mal, it was really hard. I was trying to act as if I felt nothing when Daniella and Mal are around. Gneiss never really understood why I was so sad and Nephrite sort of just sticks to herself to begin with. I haven’t had any friends who understand me. You understand me. You always listen to me without letting me wallow. You make me be okay. Better than okay, actually. It’s good to feel like myself again.”

Silver winced and Feldspar cocked his head in question. Silver cleared his throat, still looking away. “Yeah, I do get it. I’ve kinda been there before. Not the same depth as you and Mal had, but I get it.” He trailed off. When the silence grew too thick he darted a look at Feldspar, who was clearly waiting for him to continue. He looked away again and resumed fiddling with the thread on his pants. “There was this guy once. I was totally obsessed with him —“

“Is that so? Do I know him?”

“Shut up. As I was saying, I was just obsessed with this guy. He was so sexy and strong. He had this aura around him, like he made everyone around him more, like they were bigger and better just by being around him. He was also so… okay, this is going to sound gross. But he was so sensual, like, not just in sex way. He took so much pleasure out of everything. Like, if a joke was funny, he really laughed. If he was lounging in the sun, he was really soaking it in. Everything he did, he was all in. The thing that really got me about him was that he didn’t even realize the effect he had on people.”

“Sounds like quite the charmer,” Feldspar said, tentatively. Silver was still fiddling with that thread and refusing to meet Feldspar’s eyes. Feldspar wanted to put a hand on him to quell his uncomfortable fidgeting, but he didn’t dare.

“Don’t interrupt,” Silver said. His voice was getting quieter. “Anyway, he never even knew I existed. When we finally hooked up it was amazing, like completely mind-blowing, one of the best sexual experiences of my life.”

“Is there where you tell me how it all went wrong?”

Silver sighed. “Yeah, I guess. He didn’t do anything wrong. He wasn’t a dick to me afterward or anything. It just wasn’t a big deal to him. It really sucked and I got kinda thrown for a bit. This one night in Paris I broke down and started telling my buddy Brody about him. I was a mess, crying and drinking and telling him I was going to be alone forever. He was like ‘you put this dude on a pedestal and you don’t even know him.’ He was totally right. Anyway,” he trailed off for a few seconds. “Sometimes people don’t feel the same way about you as you do about them.” He looked up and frowned at Feldspar’s stricken expression. “Yeah, so, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I get it. It sucks donkey balls,” he added awkwardly, trying to lighten the mood.

Feldspar’s eyes widened. “Oh,” he said, momentarily stunned. His mind turned over what Silver was saying over and over. He couldn’t be saying what he thought he was, could he? The timing made sense. Feldspar stared at Silver’s nervous expression, trying to parse it for clues. “So then what happened?” he asked tentatively.

“We started hanging out and I got to know the real him.”

Feldspar cleared his throat and willed his voice to come out calm and collected. “What did you think after getting better acquainted?”

Silver darted a glance at him and then looked back off to the side. “He’s, um, fun, and cute, and real easy to be around,” he blushed. “I think he’s been hurt real bad and he’s kind of a mess sometimes. He’s also strong in a way that I never realized before I got to know him. So many people don’t see who he really is, but I do. He gives everything he’s got to make his friends happy. Even when other people give up on him, I still see him fighting like hell for himself.”

Silver’s eyes slid slowly to Feldspar’s. Feldspar’s stomach flipped at the vulnerable look on Silver’s face. Everything he needed to know was in those wide, silver eyes.

Feldspar began moving. He didn’t just want Silver. He needed him. More than that, he needed Silver to know exactly how much he needed him. His heart was pounding so hard he was sure Silver could hear it. He moved slowly, letting Silver accept him into his space. Silver reclined on his cushion and opened his arm to let Feldspar snuggle up against his chest. He rubbed Feldspar’s back as Feldspar wrapped him in a tight hug.

“I cannot believe how oblivious I was,” Feldspar said quietly when he’d gathered his courage. It was easier to talk to Silver like this, resting his cheek against his chest so he could hear the rhythm of his heart instead of having to meet his eyes.

“Yeah. You were, but I was also too much of a wuss to approach you.”

Feldspar snorted in disbelief. “Why?”

“You’re the Lord’s Sword and you were always with your crew. If you didn’t know your friends, would you approach them?” Feldspar shrugged one shoulder and Silver continued. “Obviously I know that doesn’t mean anything now, but before you seemed completely out of my league. Plus you were always with them. I didn’t think you’d have, um… stamina for anyone else.”

Feldspar wasn’t sure what to say. He was blown away by the revelation that Silver had been pining for him while he’d been stuck on Mal. It was almost funny, especially the idea that he was some untouchable, intimidating man. Except he knew how much it hurt when the object of your affections tossed you aside. “I am truly sorry. Me disappearing after that night had nothing to do with you. It was just poor timing. Mal had just broken up with me and then that night I said some things that led to Daniella leaving Mal and the Wood. Mal spiraled into this awful self-destructive pit of despair for months. Then the Wood was attacked when we were at our weakest. For a long time I couldn’t even think about that night without feeling wretched about everything that followed. It all felt like my fault. I didn’t want to even think about the good parts of that night. I’m sorry I made you feel like it meant nothing to me, because that’s not true. And when you finally came back you never mentioned it, so I didn’t either. I didn’t want to assume anything, or embarrass you. I feel like an ass. I am an ass. Can you forgive me?”

Silver tipped his head down and laid a soft kiss on Feldspar’s golden hair. Feldspar squeezed his eyes shut, savoring the feeling of lying in Silver’s arms. He looked up and found Silver staring down at him. Feldspar’s breath caught as he took in the warmth in those gray eyes.

His heart pounded in his chest like a panicked beast throwing itself against the walls of its cage. Feldspar wasn’t sure he could survive another heartbreak, and there was no doubt that Silver could shatter his heart with the barest effort. But the way Silver was looking at him made the risk seem worth it.

As if it had a mind of its own, Feldspar’s hand reached up and cupped the back of Silver’s neck. He pulled Silver down to lie next to him on the rug, eyes meeting eyes, nose brushing nose. Feldspar studied Silver’s face. His lips looked so soft, just barely parted as if in anticipation. Feldspar could hardly breathe, he was so terrified. He leaned in and put his lips to Silver’s in a brush of a kiss. He pulled back and looked into Silver’s eyes, searching for some hint of what he felt.

Silver didn’t let him look for long. He cupped Feldspar’s face and kissed him softly. He felt rather than heard a tiny sound of pleasure escape Feldspar. Silver ran his tongue gently along the seam of Feldspar’s lips. He’d never wanted anyone like he wanted Feldspar. The other faery was soft and pliable in his arms. He nipped at Feldspar’s bottom lip, savoring the gasp that he drew from him. Silver slipped his tongue in, moaning at the way Feldspar’s tongue met his. He pressed the length of his body against Silver desperately as their kiss became heated.

Feldspar slid his hands around Silver’s back and pulled him closer. He groaned and bucked as Silver’s hard length rubbed against his own. He was burning for Silver. It was even hotter feeling the proof that Silver wanted him just as much. Silver kissed and nipped down Feldspar’s neck, eagerly testing for sensitive spots. Feldspar gulped in air and lost himself in the overwhelming sensations. He gasped as Silver scraped his teeth over the base of his neck, and writhed as he added suction, pulling a bruise to the surface. Silver licked and kissed the sensitive spot. He kissed his way slowly back up Feldspar’s neck, gentling as he went. When he reached Feldspar’s lips again they both had calmed. The kiss was soft and gentle, and when he pulled away he couldn’t help but smile at the dazed look on Silver’s face.

“Damn,” Feldspar breathed. “You are perfect.”

Silver beamed. “I really like you, too”

Feldspar leaned in and kissed him softly, hesitantly. “Do you think,” Feldspar trailed off in a whisper. Silver waited for him to continue. When Feldspar still hesitated he kissed him gently and drew back, waiting patiently. Feldspar squeezed his eyes shut and bowed his head for a moment. He felt like an absolute idiot for saying what he was about to say.

“Do you think we could… take it slow?” Feldspar held his breath as the question hung in the air. Almost immediately he started silently berating himself. What an idiotic thing to say — him asking Silver to delay having sex. They’d already had explosive, mind-blowing, memorable sex once before. Neither of them was inexperienced. Feldspar knew he was known in particular for his submissive streak, and no small number of faeries had taken pleasure from his body. Half the time he hadn’t even been the one deciding who would join him and Gneiss for a tumble. Despite all that, he had just told Silver he didn’t want to have sex. How could Silver not think he didn’t want him. He probably thought he was the first faery Feldspar had ever rejected.

“I really, really adore you,” Feldspar said in a rush, trying to recover in the long silence. He hoped Silver understood what he didn’t have the courage to say. He liked Silver so much that he was terrified he would damage their relationship if he wasn’t intentional and cautious. Silver had said once he was “kind of a mess” and the last thing Feldspar wanted was to get some of his mess on Silver.

A tender smile lit up Silver’s flushed cheeks. “Yeah man, no pressure. Of course we can go slow.” He brushed his lips to Feldspar’s gently. Feldspar smiled through the kiss. He had never expected asking for what he needed to feel so good. To be met with such acceptance melted him into a puddle of contentment. He tilted his head and drew Silver into another lingering kiss.

A chime sounded from the kitchen making them both tense in surprise. Silver drew away from Feldspar looking slightly dazed. “The meringue,” he said. Feldspar blinked stupidly at him until his brain was able to catch up. He’d completely gotten lost in Silver and had forgotten all about the cookies.

Feldspar looked at the rows of perfectly shaped meringues just out of the oven. He didn’t doubt they’d have the perfect amount of crispiness and melt in his mouth. He’d eaten an untold number of them over the last month in his quest to earn his first tattoo. Silver smirked at Feldspar’s slightly crestfallen expression.

“I don’t think I can eat them,” Feldspar said. His stomach was already rebelling at the thought of eating a single more meringue.

“You’re cute,” Silver said. He kissed Feldspar’s cheek. “You think I’m gonna eat all those? I refuse to take the fall on this one. You’re the one who keeps trying to earn that tattoo. Besides, you’re skinny as hell and you exercise too much. The calories will be good for you. Plus you have roommates. If they stay here I’ll eat them all and make myself sick.”

Feldspar laughed and rolled his eyes. “Gneiss has already reprimanded me for not having you over. What will she say when I bring cookies instead?”

“I dunno. ‘Thanks’ would be appropriate.”

Feldspar snorted. He pulled Silver to him for another kiss. He was already addicted. He couldn’t get enough of him. “She’s right though. You do need to come over,” he whispered as he pulled away from Silver.

He felt Silver tense in his arms. Feldspar kissed Silver’s cheek and inhaled down the length of his neck, savoring his unique scent that held stories of spices from far-off places and herbs gathered from sun-soaked gardens. Silver let out a breath and relaxed a bit into Feldspar’s arms.

“Please,” Feldspar murmured as he planted a kiss beneath Silver’s ear. “I want them to get to know you.”

“Okay,” Silver said, slightly breathless. Feldspar grinned. He could probably have gotten Silver to agree to anything at that moment. He gave in to the uncontrollable urge to kiss every inch of Silver’s exposed throat. He gently brushed kisses across the soft, smooth skin. A sunburst of joy exploded in his chest as Silver’s skin pebbled with goosebumps, betraying how much Feldspar’s touch affected him. It took considerable effort to pull himself away.

They teased and joked with each other as usual as they packed the unwanted cookies into a box for Feldspar to take home. It felt like any other day, except now Feldspar didn’t even try to hide his desire for Silver, and Silver pulled him in for a kiss every time he looked at him with hungry eyes. With all the distractions it took over an hour to finish packing the cookies and cleaning the kitchen.

Silver walked Feldspar to the door and kissed him lingeringly, running his hands over the muscles in his chest and arms. Feldspar melted against him. He was full of light, the joy of being with Silver banishing the shadows from every corner of his heart. They drew away from each other to catch their breaths, then came together again for another soft kiss. Feldspar made Silver promise again that he’d come over and spend time with his friends, and then floated out, a gigantic smile stretching his cheeks.