His True Colors - 4. Chapter 4: Innocence

His True Colors

Chapter 4: Innocence

It was the weekend, so I of course took the time to sleep in. I had a habit of sleeping in a bit too much when I had the chance though, I would wake up with my body aching from being in bed for so long. But this time, my body ached more than usual, due to the beating I had received.

I had been hit before a couple times, so the bruises weren’t some shocking, horrible discovery of pain, but I had never been attacked like I was a dog. But perhaps that was the point. Many people associate dogs with unpleasant words and connotations, and I neatly fit the bill in that category. I was at least thankful I wasn’t poor or fat. I knew my life was comfortable, so I deducted that I was a successful failure of a being.

It’s times like these that I ruminated on why I felt the way I did. I honestly can’t remember the transition, but it certainly didn’t happen overnight. I always lacked confidence in myself, it could have started because my dad kept calling me stupid whenever I didn’t know who to do certain math problems when I was real little, but I don’t know. I’ve always tried to be nice to everyone, I enjoy doing it. I want everyone to like me, to love me. I try so hard to please everyone, but as of now, I have failed miserably. I feel like im just not an interesting person, after all people have called me “robotic”, “boring” and at one point “the ugliest kid in the school.”

So naturally, when I reach this point of depression, its time for my music. It doesn’t help me, per say. In fact, it makes me feel even more depressed, but it also creates vivid images in my mind. I listen to Boulevard of Broken Dreams, by Green Day. I wasn’t really fond of their music catalog as a whole, but that one song pretty much defined me. Through the music of sorrow I can find hope. The images I get are me finding success and maybe happiness.

I paced around my room as the music blared into my ears. This time the song hit me harder than it usually did, and I was surprised to find some tears. I also remembered that I had dreamed of dying that night. I wanted to punish Ritchie, to make him feel guilty for what he had done. But then I remembered that it was not he who had beaten me, but Jack and the rest….. Still, I knew I wouldn’t harm myself physically; I just didn’t have the guts.

I left the house swiftly. My mom had just seen the neighbors playing outside, and it had triggered her crazy. “Your so damn lazy, Why can’t you run around outside like them! They listen to their parents, they don’t get to watch T.V, and they just run around in the neighborhood! WHY CAN’T YOU BE LIKE THEM?” So as you can see, the slightest irritation sets off the canon fire, which is why I tried to appease her by walking to the library. It was there I could find my way in a realm of escape.

One of the biggest frustrations for me was that I felt a part of me was missing. I could not remember much past five years ago, it was as if my childhood was erased. It made me angry, feeling something like that was stolen from me, and that I could never get it back. I wanted innocence; I didn’t want to be so angry. I assumed that my innocence decayed away during my transition when I moved here from Illinois. In Illinois I was a good child, I must have happy even if I didn’t have friends. I can’t be too sure though, but I feel my mom loved me in Illinois, in fact she smothered me with too much love, to the point where I was an awkward child, who wasn’t “normal.” I dote on my baby pictures because I know for a fact that I was happy. I was a baby with such innocent emotions, being cuddled and squeezed. So precious but so shy. I was a good baby, I wasn’t throwing temper tantrums, but I made everyone who held me melt due to me bouncing their love back to them. I wailed of course, as any baby did but there were more smiles coming from me than most babies. I was also born premature, so my mom was even more overprotective, because I was quite sickly in the first few months. Now I see being born premature as a curse.

Perhaps I didn’t have time to get my head straight in there. If I was born at the expected time, maybe I would be straight….Maybe I would be happy.

I do know that moving here definitely changed me for the worse. My innocence was lost, as now I found myself doing different things. I discovered that I was alone for the first time in my life, and that people didn’t want me. And so I became corrupted. I never felt gay in Illinois, I mean I thought this one boy in my class in first grade was “cute” but I never thought much of it. Then here it happened. I curiously looked up “Naked Men” on a search engine. That search spun me into a spiral of curiosity and strangeness. It was thrilling, doing something so forbidden, and it felt good in a queasy way. Then I started watching gay porn, and then eventually I masturbated for the first time. It was new and exciting, and it felt good. It felt so thrilling….but now, now it is different. Now those feelings are gone. Now all I feel when I finish those “activities” is shame.

So as I walked past the neighbors’ kids playing outside, I saw innocence of a sort, but I didn’t see joy. It was as if they were forced to go outside.

“I will never be like those kids next door, their so spineless and pathetic. They are worse than me; no one gives a shit about them period. I on the other hand get the shit beaten out of me, that’s got to count for something…..” My thoughts like that were things I wished to say out loud, but I would not. Just like I never said that I was gay outside of my mind. It’s one thing to say it in your mind, but to say it out for the world to hear, it means the walls come crashing down, and there is no turning back.

My path to the Library was long an boring, I had taken it countless times in the last year, and I just drifted off to try and take away the monotony. But as I passed the large sprawling field where people usually hung out or played sports, I found it odd that no one was there. Then I noticed the sky was a foul grey, most likely indicating unpleasant weather coming our way. I decided to go back, as I did not want to get yelled at for being drenched in rain.

“Hello little boy.” A familiar voice called out in an annoying tone.

Not to my surprise was Jack Belzer and his gang of miscreants.

I was irritated with their presence, especially after yesterday’s incident, so I simply kept walking by.

“Not gonna say hi? Well don’t worry; we got something nice planned out for you.” Jack sneered as he increased his pace to follow me.

“Fuck off Jack, just leave me alone, I don’t want any trouble.” I quickened my pace as well, as I felt something bad was about to happen…

Jack pouted and spoke in a faux-sympathetic tone “Oh…well I do. Sorry.”

With that he began the chase with his gang, and I sprinted as hard as I could to get away.

But in the end, like many things in life; it was futile.

Jack pounced on me, and with his own strength he kept my whole body down.

All my energy felt dissipated but I was surprised at my desperation, my arms desperately trying to defend myself as Jack and his gang rained down a flurry of kicks and punches.

When they finished, the rain had already started pouring down, but it was not over, not yet.

Jack had begun to walk away but I then I said something which I instantly regretted.

In my tears and self-hatred I screamed “Cmon Jack, don’t stop. You know I deserve it! Or are you too weak? I think you are. You can’t break me, you’re just a punk. A lowlife who needs a lesson in manners, and I know you’re not going anywhere in life.”

My pain had spoken for me, but Jack was not amused.

“I know how to break you. It’s a shame Ritchie isn’t here to see you now. How pathetic you fags are. His code of non-violence really doesn’t gel with us….hehe, but when I’m through with you, Ritchie won’t have anything to break. You should have kept your mouth shut kid.”

“Hey moron, you do realize you and I are the same age ri-“ My retort was cut off as Jack pounced on me again but this time it was different.

There was a rage and violence in Jack that I had never seen before. It was…scary. Jack’s gang did not help him this time, they watched and laughed.

Laughed as Jack’s hands tightened around my throat, stealing my air away.

In this moment, for the first time in my life I felt true fear. Fear that I was going to die. I did not want to go to that place of unknown. That place of heaven or hell or maybe… just maybe…..nothingness. Nothing that would await me. No Kade. Nothing.

When I woke up, I discovered my head hurt like a bitch.

“I’m alive!?” I called out in wonder.

“Yeah faggot. I went a little overboard didn’t I? No matter, you’re not dead, I didn’t strangle your scrawny ass long enough to give you brain damage either. A shame”

It was Jack. Fucking Jack.

Suddenly I realized I did not know where I was, and the room was quite dark. All I could see was Jack’s face illuminated by the light next to him.

Other than that I was lost in darkness.

“Little Kayden, all I will say is that you are in a tool shed. But the other guys are gone, and you and I are going to have some fun.”

I should have realized the connotation, but I was too bewildered to understand.

Then too my horror, I felt the cold air against my naked flesh. It felt like I was in some sort of sling. I tried to get out but It was useless.

Jack laughed and the light went out.

“Fag, I told you I would break you. Though this might be fun for someone like you, I think I’ll to make it hurt just enough to enforce my point.”

I could not see anything in the pitch black room. All of a sudden I felt this horrible sharp pain in my ass. I then knew what was happening.

Jack did not use lubrication as he forced his way into me.

The pain was excruciating. Though I had expected Jack to be bigger, it still was the most painful thing I had ever endured. Physically and spiritually I was being devoured as Jack settled his horrible self into me.

“Wow, you’re tighter than most pussy.” His cruel voice beckoned out through the dark.

I closed my eyes, pointless as it was. I could see nothing either way.

He hurt me. I could feel my inside screaming in agony. I tried to scream but no words would come out.

This was not what I wanted. This was not something that turned me on. This was disgusting.

All I could feel was pain and shame simultaneously eating away at me.

I tried to drift away as he rammed his way harder and harder. But I could not. I was trapped.

I deserved this.

The pain of his thrusts along with my bruises was too much for me to take, and this time I fell even further into the darkness.

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When I woke, I found myself in the same field where the nightmare had started. My body hurt everywhere, but my bottom was worse. It was difficult to walk, but I managed to at least get myself to the closest neighborhood.

My thoughts were scattered. It was if someone had spun my brain around. Everything was there, but it was too hard for me to grasp them. It was like my mind was now the same dark abyss where I had been ruined by Jack. If it wasn’t completely gone before, I knew now that my innocence had been utterly ripped from me. It was done, and now I was a corrupted, miserable being.

I needed to find someplace to go to. My house was a thirty minute walk away, and I could not bear to be alone with myself any longer.

I desperately just stumbled to the closest house available and rang the doorbell.

To my horror, the person who answered the door was Ritchie.

I would have cried out “No!” in shock but I couldn’t.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Ritchie looked both annoyed and curious.

I tried to speak, but no words would come out.

“Well? Explain.” Ritchie stood there waiting for an answer.

I couldn’t give him one, so I turned around and prepeared to leave.

“Wait! Don’t go!” Ritchie called out, much to my astonishment.

“You don’t look too good, come inside at least…” Ritchie pulled me gently inside.

When I stepped in, I noticed his house was smaller than mine, but a lot cozier. There was a warmth here that seemed to help fill the cold of his heart.

He led me to the couch in the living room, where we both sat down. He gave me a blanket to wrap around myself. I don’t know why. It was summertime, but I just felt so….cold…

“My mom’s gone for the weekend, she’s visiting her sister…umm, do you want to tell me what’s wrong with you?”

His voice was quite serious, Ritchie knew something was up.

I couldn’t say anything. Normally I would try and take in new surroundings of his house, but I was too shaken.

I was broken. Jack had broken me. He had won. Ritchie had won. But I couldn’t take it anymore. I just let all the tears come out. I wept and put my head in Ritchie’s lap.

I didn’t care if he hated me. I needed someone. The warmth of Ritchie’s body made me feel whole. It didn’t make the pain go away, but to have him there eased it. His warmth burned the cold away, and my thoughts slowly came back to normal.

Kayden didn’t notice the tremor in Ritchie’s body as he put himself in such a precarious part of Ritchie’s body, nor the glaze in Ritchie’s eyes as he wrapped his hand around Ritchie’s arm as he stroked Kayden’s hair. He didn’t even notice Ritchie gasp at their skin coming into contact.

Yet Kayden’s crying grew louder and more heart wrenching to Ritchie’s soul. He even started shaking.

He didn’t understand what happened to Kayden or Kade as he liked to be called. But he suddenly felt regret. He regretted the horrible things he did to the kid.

“Shh, I got you. You don’t have to worry Kade. I got you.” Ritchie said as he held Kade close even as they were eclipsed by slumber in the dark of the night.