His True Colors - 5. Chapter 5: A Realm of Emptiness

His True Colors

Chapter 5: A Realm of Emptiness

The walls were closing in around me. I was being suffocated. I couldn’t breathe.

I felt empty. More than empty. I felt I was empty yet everything else around me was empty too.

Perhaps it was because I was hungry. I hadn’t eaten anything for quite some time, but I wasn’t hungry. I had no desire for food. I had no desire for very much anything, and I still could not speak.

All I wanted was warmth. I wanted to thaw my insides so I could feel alive again. So I kept myself next to Ritchie when I woke up. His strong firm grasp and tall figure shielded me from the cold of my own soul.

Ritchie and I were tangled together on the couch, almost like cuddling. In any other circumstance I would have a throbbing excitement down there…but now, I just didn’t feel it.

Speaking of Ritchie, I didn’t really know what to say about him. This boy, who was responsible for much of my pain, suddenly just takes me in and comforts me. Why? Why the hell is this happening? Why isn’t he beating me like I deserve? Raping me like I deserve? This must be a trick, he must be trying to crush me later after lowering my guard.

I couldn’t help it though. So what if he was going to destroy me later. It would be the end of me, and I would be free. At least let me enjoy this moment, while it lasts…..

Ritchie Jamison woke up, and untangled himself from Kade. He needed to call his parents so they wouldn’t call the police or something. He went through the school directory and called them. Though his mother sounded upset, Ritchie told her there was no need to worry and that they were friends and were working on a school project and lost track of time. He explained that it was his fault and that he told Kade not to worry about calling home. Kade’s mother seemed a bit pleased that Kade was with a friend, and was pleased that Ritchie said he would walk him home when they finished the project.

“What are you doing Ritchie, letting a stranger into your home?” It was a question that kept floating in my mind and kept me from falling back asleep. I was surprised that my venom towards Kayden had subsided. No…it was Kade. He liked to be called Kade. I got to remember that….. A part of me wanted to shut the door on the kid, but the curious part of me kept it open. Now things have changed. I no longer hated him. In fact, I wasn’t sure if I hated him in the first place, just the things he said to me….they made me feel so…weird. I needed to shut him out, to get him away. Like those other kids. Before, when a boy said some stuff to me that was faggish, I would harass him until he would transfer to the other high school in the district. I wanted them to go away. I didn’t want them to be around me.

But seeing Kade last night, I don’t know what it is but he scared me. Those eyes, there was something so utterly broken in those eyes. I can’t get them out of my head. It’s horrifying! I didn’t want to make someone suffer in that way! I just wanted to be left alone! The worst thing was that I didn’t enjoy calling him names. It felt hollow and forced. It made me feel dirty inside. Now I feel worse. Those eyes peering into me, whenever I see those eyes in my mind I feel sick. But those eyes were also so damn beautiful! I hadn’t noticed before until the gym class incident, and there was more than beauty in them. I saw more in them, but I don’t know what it was. It made me feel funny inside. I liked the feeling, but I knew it was wrong. It was a dangerous feeling; I could not act upon it.

I knew something horrible had happened to him, and I wanted to make him feel better, I guess my mom had really rubbed off on me… But Kade…he’s so small and tiny, who would want to hurt the small fry? My mom would probably want to pick him up or something….

Though that thought made me smile, I knew it was rude. Kade was not a midget; he just didn’t hit his spurt yet. I had hit it early, so I was taller than a lot of people. His face also was youthful and precious. It was as if he had his childhood frozen in time wherever we walked. I wasn’t gonna lie, I was envious of such youthful beauty. I was a bit tubby, and my mom was a bit hard on me for that, though she was so proud of how tall I was. By no means was I “fat”, I just had a bit of flab in my center. My abs were not perfection, I was no bodybuilder. I was burly and tall, and I didn’t like it. I was singled out in gym for being the tallest for all of middle school, now in high school a few caught up to me, but still I don’t like it. I used to be into sports, well not really. I did sports for like four years, but after dad died I lost interest. So at age fourteen, I just decided to focus on track and field. My height and size was used mostly for field events, I was no runner. Though, I was very good at it, without trying much, so apparently I was a “jock”.

Well that stupid label aside, my true passion was in books. I enjoyed reading books, comic books, even some kid of history books. But no one knew that but me and mom. The guys I hang out with at school, well they like me cause I help them with their schoolwork. I got strength to me, so maybe they were attracted to that. But I really don’t like them, they are stupid and immature. I don’t like hurting people physically. I don’t like hurting people period, but for Kade and those other boys, I needed to keep them away, for my own sake…..

But now I was trapped. Trapped because I found pleasure in his company…I enjoyed comforting him, I enjoyed having someone else around. Having someone to hold besides mom. But the worst was that I enjoyed having him close to me, having his body near mine, having our skin come into contact. It was intoxicating to me, his small touch sent my insides on some loopy trip!

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When I had woken from my slumber, I was surprised to see Ritchie smiling down at me. At first it made me feel good, but then all the memories came flooding back….and then I realized how weird Ritchie was acting. How does one change overnight? Not too long ago he was cursing me to the bitter end. So all I can surmise about this mentally is “what?”

I tried to speak, but I couldn’t. This was now really annoying. Anger at myself suddenly overtook my self-sorrow.

“Kade, you don’t have to worry, I called your parents and told them we were working on a project, and that I would walk you home later.” Ritchie spoke that in a tone that was both bright and sad.

Irritated at my lack of voice, I got up and took in my surroundings. It was a humble, cozy home that let off warmth and contentment. Perhaps it had rubbed off on Ritchie. I was grateful for him calling my parents, but I still found him suspicious. People don’t change.

I searched for something to write with, and found a pen on the floor. His living room was clean, except for the magazines and letters on the floor. The colors of the house were a yellow, brown, orange mix. Perhaps that’s why I thought it was cozy. Those colors could subconsciously think of warmth. Or maybe I just think every house that isn’t mine has more warmth to it. My house is just dull white walls with too much space for three people. My thoughts were interrupted by me noticing a ripped but blank piece of paper under the smaller couch next to me. With my tools in hand, I began my work and handed it to Ritchie when I was finished.

Perhaps Ritchie was expecting art or something, but he was quite surprised as he read “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BEING NICE TO ME YOU TWO-FACED ASSHOLE!?” I guess anyone would be if they read that. Oh well.

Ritchie sighed and looked at me with sincerity, though I was not buying it until I got answers. “Kade, I’m really sorry for what ive done to you for the past two weeks. You coming here has opened my eyes. It is a bit strange, and it makes perfect sense for you to be angry, I would be too. But the fact of the matter is, you came here and I assumed you needed help. I’m not going to deny anyone help if I can give it to them. No one deserves to suffer needlessly.”

The voice in my head was keeling over in disgust at how this boy was acting all proud and noble.

“What a speech…I wonder if most fifteen year olds talk this much out their asses…Fuck him and his hypocrisy!” I would hear him out, though he continued to sound more and more like this contrived character on Lost.

“Look Kade, I noticed the cuts and bruises on you. I think I know who did it. It was Jack and his gang right?”

“I don’t like being watched when I sleep….” But I nodded my head.

“I never asked them to physically hurt you. I don’t stand for that. I’m sorry for what they did, and because they broke their promise, I will no longer be their acquaintance.”

“Doesn’t matter, they still did it, and you still hurt me, physically or not.” A rage was starting to build up in me…It was crawling underneath my skin, boiling my blood…

“If I had known before, I would have stopped it much sooner. What they did was unacceptable, what I did was unacceptable too….but I can’t explain to you why I did it. I can only say that I am genuinely sorry man”

He was finished with his noble parade and so was I. I would not have it anymore, and all of a sudden I let go of my control.

I had found my voice again.

“I WAS RAPED YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! Your friends all beat the hell of out me twice, and then Jack decided that wasn’t enough, so he decided to screw me! What have I done to you? WHY ME? All I wanted was a friend, and so what if I was gay? I don’t try and rape you! Why are you so damn insecure that you have to take it out on me? FUCK YOU!”

Ritchie’s face was of shock and sadness twisted into one.

As for me, I was surprised at this outburst. I had never truly stood up for myself before to someone outside of my family. What had changed in me? I thought I was broken….

No….I was still broken, but that numbing pain had been replace with burning anger. But this anger made me feel more alive than I had felt in a long time.

Then I went even further.

“You know what? Fuck it! I am gay! I hate myself for it, and I hate you for it! I thought you were beautiful, but man you are just disgusting to me now. Your hate is so shallow and pathetic, you are a pitiful child Ritchie, Have can you look at yourself and like what you see? You are a bully and a loser; get the fuck out of my way!”

I had put Ritchie in his place, and he just stood there in shock.

But I didn’t have time to register that I had just come out of the closet to the person who was bullying me. I was in such a frenzy that I didn’t think through much at all. But my rage was spent, and everything came back. I sank back onto the couch and felt all my energy drained. Tears came streaming down yet I couldn’t even feel it.

Ritchie was still in the same spot where I had screamed at him. He was frozen in shame and guilt, though he finally sat next to me in silence. “Kade, you’re right about me. I am as pathetic as you said. But even though we can’t be friends, I will make Jack pay for what he did to you. I can get him suspended, I know him and his pals do drugs. The asshole deserves to pay for what he did. I just can’t believe he would defile you like that. I would kill him if I could but…you know I can’t. I know It’s not much, but it can keep you safe at least.” Ritchie spoke the word “safe” with more emotion than the rest. I wanted to reply but I was just to emotionally tired.

“You know Kade…ummm, your bruises and cuts, I can put some cream on them. It can soothe the pain. Besides, you don’t want them to become infected right?

Though strange and untimely was the request, I couldn’t care less. I merely grunted and he left to get the lotion.

“Idiot thinks lotion will wash away my pain, hah!” But when he came back, there was an awkward silence before he spoke.

“I need you to take off your shirt.” Ritchie said in a very hushed voice.

I attempted to do so, but it caused a lot of pain. Ritchie noticed and helped me take it off.

We both sat there quietly, awkwardly, until Ritchie asked me to lie down on my stomach so he could do my back.

Another awkward silence before he started, and I didn’t feel like turning my head.

His hands glided across my back, it was a peculiar feeling. His strong hands were warm, but the lotion was cold. It was a brilliant clash, and I felt an awakening. I got my mojo back…if that’s a way to describe it. Though maybe it was too soon, as I had been raped less than 24 hours ago by the incompetent asshole Jack. But it was strange. I did not feel sexual excitement after the rape, but now with his hands soothing me, I felt relief. I felt it was safe to have an attraction. Safe to give into my desires.

And so, I did not care that I had a hard erection screaming out of my pants, but pleased that Jack had not truly destroyed me as I thought.

Then Ritchie asked me to turn over, so he could do my arms and chest, and boy was that tense. I stared into his eyes as he massaged the lotion into my skin, and i was getting lost in them. I felt safe with him, and I enjoyed being with him. I thought back to the day before, how he was there for me when I needed someone the most. He comforted me, and I enjoyed how he made me feel alive again. Perhaps, I should give him another chance. Don’t we all deserve a second chance?

I was pretty sure he had noticed the boner sticking out of my jeans, but he said nothing. When he finished I decided to try something I would not do with any other boy.

“Switch spots with me and take off your shirt.” Ritchie was surprised and perhaps there was even fear on his face too… “What!? Why? What are you going to do to me?” Ritchie spoke quietly, as if he was a tiny mouse. It was if I was the bigger kid, and he was the little one. Odd….

“No, I just want to try something, don’t get weirded out.” So Ritchie did as I asked and he lay down on the couch. He was a beautiful, beautiful person. Perhaps people would find fault in him due to the small amounts of fat on his chest, but he was beautiful in my eyes. He was not fat, and he was not skinny. He was not small and scrawny, but average. The skin did not cling to the bone like mine, nor did it become one of excessiveness like someone who was overweight. He was not a perfect, muscular god, but a jack of all trades. He had the perfect amount of everything for me. His body was average, and so he was perfect.

I almost giggled at the tiniest amount of chest hair that he had, it was quite faint, but clearly there. He was hot, and I truly wanted to devour him. But now was not the time, and I was pretty sure he wasn’t gay. Jack hadn’t destroyed me, but it would be some time before I ever let anyone go all the way with me…

But after I finished sizing up his exquisite chest, I slowly climbed onto him and snuggled up to him. Our skin came into contact, our chests touching each other, his warmth penetrating my cold. I felt wonderful, like a dream. “Sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, it’s just your so warm, being next to you makes me feel good.” I looked up and smiled at him, but he didn’t smile back. Instead he was staring into my eyes passionately, so much that even I started blushing!

“Sorry Kade, It’s just your eyes are one of a kind.” I nodded and took off my glasses, letting him see them in their true form. Being there, embraced onto his body, I felt like I was flying. I can’t explain it, but it was a strange fluttery feeling in my tummy. I didn’t want it to go away.

Then, I broke the gaze and put my head on his chest. My short blond hair nestled against his skin as my ear listened to his body.

I had never felt life in anyone but myself. It was curious to me, hearing his heartbeat, the various sounds of the workings of his body, and his irregular breathing. It was magical.

His breathing came back to normal once I removed myself from the embrace. I smiled at him, and he smiled back at me.

“I forgive you Ritchie. I forgive you, for what you did. But I do not understand why, so you will have to eventually tell me if you want my trust.” Ritchie’s face gave off surprise.

“Why? I did terrible things to you, I am the reason why that asshole touched you!” I shut him up with a quick hand on his mouth.

“Yeah yeah, you did bad things, blah blah blah. I know, but you made me feel safe, and I have never felt more alive until today. I want you to stop this though, okay?”

“I swear to you that I wont Kade…but does this mean that we can be friends?”

My insides froze. “Friends? We can be friends? I don’t even know if I remember how to be a friend anymore…”

“Um, sure. I guess. But im not so sure you would want me. I have never had friends before.” I said that with shame, and my dignity went out the door.

“Well theres a first time for everything Kade. You’ll be my first friend!” It was then that I saw a glimpse of Kade’s true personality. The way he had spoken that was like an excited child. Perhaps deep down he was a child stuck in a growing boys body, while I was a cynical teen stuck in a childs body. I liked the contrast.

“You never had friends? But Ritchie, what about---“ He stopped me and explained. “No Kade, Jack and his gang were not my friends. I don’t hang out with them outside of school, I just used them because they were the only people that accepted me. But then again I think it was because I assisted them with schoolwork. But anyways, no. I have not had any friends before.”

Suddenly I felt like I was no longer alone.

“Well then Ritchie, you will be my first friend too!”

With that Ritchie decided to walk me home, but not before giving me an old shirt of his due to mine being a bit bloody. I put my old shirt in a bag and we walked to my house. My bottom was sore so it took time for me to find a comfortable way to walk. However, looking back on that horrible night, I realized that while Jack had hurt me, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. It was truly painful but his dick was a bit too small to go really deep. If he was a grown man or used an instrument to hurt me there, I would probably have to go to the hospital. But as it was, I could bear this pain, and so Ritchie and I walked.

We talked a lot on our way there, and I discovered we were both loners. Ritchie was only called a jock because of his size and that he was good at field events in track and field. He enjoyed reading books like me. But he was different from me in his personality. Talking to me, I saw a cheerfulness and exuberance. Almost as if he was bouncing across the trees that we passed. I wasn’t gonna lie, it was extremely cute!

When we arrived at my house, he introduced himself to my parents. They were too pleased to have someone over that they weren’t angry at me. They kept giving him more, and more food and asking him questions, until he finally had to say no more and go back on his way. My parents liked him though, and so did i.

I still felt sick at the thought of that horrible night. It wasn’t gone, but discovering Ritchie allowed me to bury it enough to where I could almost mute the pain.

Almost. I could still remember the darkness. The emptiness I felt. But that was not all I could remember. I could also remember the warmth that Ritchie gave me, and the joy I felt at having someone there for me. I felt alive after feeling utterly dead.

So I had gone from one extreme to another, but for the first time ever, I felt things were looking up.

Strange right?