The Broken Circles - 5. Chapter 5 - Lucy

One year after the first meeting of friends, the four of us were hanging out at Chance's apartment on a Saturday evening, curled around the television watching some godawful movie that David brought. Chance's sofa was one of those extremely long pieces of furniture from the 70's that could hold all 4 of us, and still have space for Chance's aging black lab, Samson. David had heard reviews of this movie, about a group of women who go spelunking into the cave of hell, or something. It wasn't that I was uninterested, I just don't handle horror films well. In fact I cringed and attempted to burrow my head into Mack's armpit to shield myself from the gore factor. Thankfully, Mack was sensitive enough to shield my eyes from the scary parts of the movie by covering my face with his big bearlike paw of a hand. His arm draped across my back as if to protect me from the horror that was this movie and for the most part it worked, except for the sporadic high pitched yelping I emitted when Mack couldn't cover my eyes in time.

David took notice of this and cleared his throat and scoffed disdainfully. I craned my head just slightly to see him staring at Mack, his eyes narrowed his lips pursed tightly. It was as if he wanted to say something but didn't want to make a scene. Mack didn't react in a blatant fashion, except to squeeze me gently with his arm. I’m sure he meant it in a reassuring sort of way.

Chance had disappeared into his kitchen moments before, but when we could hear screaming coming from the television as another buxom blond gets gored to death, he came tromping through the hall, a bowl of popcorn in hand. Excitedly he screamed, “What'd I miss?”

Apparently my scream that accompanied the girl's had gone unnoticed, or had perfectly blended with her in a cacophonous chorus. I peered up from under Mack's muscular arm and croaked, “She got gutted with a climbing pick.”

“Yes, and Mack was making sure Eli was quite comfy, weren't you Malcolm?” David said dryly. I scurried back into a seated position, a little unsure of what was going down. Was David jealous? Of Mack? Why on earth would he be? We were just friends!

“He was terrified, I'm trying to keep him from seeing the scary parts,” Mack replied gently, his arm loosened from around me, as I propped myself up.

“Well, it looks like you were two snogging,” David's words dripped with venom and jealousy. I squeaked meekly and held my arms up in a defensive posture.

“I hate this movie, I hate scary movies!” I said, my voice a little just below a screech. Mack's brow furrowed.

“It's true, you know that, David. What were you trying to do, traumatize him?” he bristled. David's shoulders locked tensely and his eyes became slits.

“This movie came highly recommended by my mate Randy--” he began and Chance who had been looking at us, scarfing down popcorn fervently piped in with a mouthful of kernels, “Hey, you haven't introduced us to your 'mate' Randy. You guys a couple or what?”

It was true, David had mentioned Randy a few times, but nothing remotely informative. It sounded like they dated in the past but are now just friends, or friends in college or something, I don't know. David was always a bit skittish when it came to his private life, especially his life before America. David's head lowered and when he looked up, he gave Chance a weary look.

“We're just friends, all right? Come off it, already,” he said, his British accent that he tried to subdue was coming in full force. I knew Chance was trying to diffuse the situation but it wasn't working. David looked like a cornered animal ready to attack.

“Guys, look,” I said solemnly, “I suck at horror films, but if David's friend Randy says it's worth watching, we should try to watch it. I'll refrain from using Mack as a blanket and use Samson instead. How's that?” David looked mollified and Mack grimaced, displeased, and made space for the black lab who jumped up on the sofa and immediately rested his head on my lap. “Hey, look! natural Prozac!”

Chance laughed, as did Mack if begrudgingly. David still looked agitated and I cautiously reached out my hand and touched his. “Will you be okay, David?” He looked at me with his eyes shielded but encased my hand in his and squeezed gently. “Yeah, I'm good.”

“Then lets see how much screaming I can do before the nights over. Nothing says spooky like weird cave people mutants and women getting eviscerated!” I said, smiling, then immediately burrowed my head in Samson's side.

***

The dynamic we all had was strange but special. Early on, we were learning how to interact with one another, which buttons we should not press and which we can do to get a funny reaction. Obviously with David, reactions were kept to a minimum while the others were more willing to play along. It calmed down quite a bit over the years where we got really comfortable with one another which was awesome. Chance and I were always thick as thieves so the teasing that went on was mostly due to brotherly camaraderie and my unrequited love. Mack remained a mystery, and I cherished his friendship as time went on. And those times we talked while David was in the same room, I could see the look of disapproval and envy on the Brit’s face. After movie night, I learned to respect David's feelings by distancing myself from Mack, hoping to convey that we were nothing more than just friends. That's what we all were, right? Just friends?

I got promoted at the store late summer and found the extra cash going to various other activity nights during the week. Rollerskating during the summer, ice skating during the winter, and the sporadic bowling night sprinkled in for flavor. Nobody seemed keen on making plans which irritated the hell out of me, so it fell squarely on my shoulders. Chance periodically mentioned when his favorite band, Gay4Kirsti, was playing or a play at a nearby theater which was cool because it kept things fresh. His friends in the theater scene seemed cool, if a bit aloof and I could see Chance changing who he was, at least outwardly to fit in. He was the chameleon of the group, both groups really, and he made himself into what the group wanted, though it was pretty obvious that the two groups didn't mesh too well, which was a shame because I knew Chance felt he had to choose between hanging out with us and them. We were never a second choice. Unless there was a girl involved.

During this time, I had moved from the basement of my relatives to a basement down the street, owned by these two kooky hippies. Rent was cheap and the people upstairs seemed nice and they let me sit in their living room when it got cold downstairs. I rarely had my friends over, part of it was shame for not having a big place like David or Chance's and didn't want to make a lot of noise when guests were over. We never hung out at Mack's because of Gregory so it was either a public place or hanging out at the Brit's or chateau Burmont.

One day, I was sitting upstairs drawing in the living room when I got a knock at the door. I had the windows open on an early spring afternoon and was reheating some beef stew Mack had made. I didn't want the entire kitchen to reek of beef stew so the windows wide open allowed proper airflow. I rushed to the door and when I opened it was greeted by a frail woman.

“Hi, um, you don't know me but I'm your next door neighbor,” she said a little uncertain. She looked pail, sickly so, and I recalled seeing her sitting on the porch of the house next door shortly after moving in. She was being cared for by a guy who looked kind of like her, maybe a brother or cousin or something. Her face looked friendly, but almost starved, her cheeks looked hollowed and her hair looked like it had been thinning for years. The more distinct facial feature was this strange symmetrical butterfly rash on her face. “I'm Lucy,” she said, holding out a hand so thin that it looked like I could crush it by shaking it.

“I'm Eli,” I said politely, reaching out to shake her hand. Her brow furrowed curiously.

“Eli? What a peculiar name for … are you Chinese?” she said, her tone seemed very cautious. I grinned and chuckled.

“Long story. What can I help you with? The owners aren't here, I'm just here using their kitchen to reheat some stew.”

“Actually that's why I'm here. I could smell it from across the yard and it smells delightful!” I could tell she wanted some and immediately stepped aside for her to enter.

“Come in and have some. A friend made two pots of the stuff and gave me a pot for myself. I can use the company.”

Lucy followed me to the dining room and sat down. It looked like she didn't get out much. She looked around curiously, her eyes big and bright, blue scanned the room carefully not wanting to miss any details. She cleared her throat and said, “It's been years since I've been here, how are Todd and Jenna?” Todd and Jenna were the owners of the house. After their son graduated from college, they found the basement needed someone living in it, to keep the house alive in a sense. They were great people, and I could tell they wanted someone there not for money but for company.

“They're good, actually they're out of town helping Ted move into his apartment in Florida. I'm sort of starved for human contact, so it's nice to have you over,” I said from the kitchen. I ladled two big bowls with stew and carried them into the dining room. Lucy looked amazed, her eyes closed and inhaled deeply.

“I can't tell you the last time I've had a truly amazing home cooked meal. Mason might be a gifted psychologist but he's a godawful cook,” she said gently, a little embarrassed by her words. I smiled gently and nodded.

“Is Mason your husband or--” as I said those words, Lucy neatly wiped her mouth and waved her hands.

“No no no, he's my brother. He keeps a private practice at his home, today is his off day so he went and ran errands.” Lucy kept eating, but her eyes lit up when she spoke of her brother. It was full of filial love and admiration. “I think you would like him.”

“I look forward to meeting him then. Are you the older or younger sib?” I asked, shoveling stew into my mouth.

"Older, Mason is 2 years younger than me.". Lucy looked at me and could tell I had a bunch of questions to ask. "He's been taking care of me for the past 8 years. I have lupus."

"Oh," I replied quietly. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been nosy. I don't really get many visitors."

"I can relate all too well," Lucy said with a hint of sadness in her voice. There was a moment of silence and both of us could see smiles creeping up. The rest of the meal was spent with stories of Mason and her growing up, my childhood and living with Todd and Jenna. After a few more bowls of stew, I realized that 4 hours had passed, and the sun was barely setting. From outside I could hear footsteps on the front porch and rapping on the door. 2 guests, I thought, today must be my lucky day. I got up from my seat, opened the door and saw Lucy's brother standing there, his eyes wide and worried. I raised my hand and waved but he barely acknowledged me, immediately bobbing his head around to see into the house.

"I'm sorry, is my sister here?" he asked, but it was more of a demand. I moved aside and let him enter and he hurried to his sister. "Lulu, I was worried about you! I was *this* close to calling the cops and filing a missing persons report!" He embraced her tightly. Lucy struggled for air trying to break free.

"I'm really sorry, Mase, I was just esharing a meal with my new friend, Eli," she said apologetically. Mason peered over her head and looked at me for the first time. His eyes scanned me carefully but in a few seconds he smiled. "I could smell it from the house. I haven't had stew in forever!"

Mason stood up and extended a hand which I shook. He was a thin man of average height. His hair was died black and stood in strange spiky patterns. His hairline was receding a bit, leaving a wicked widow's peak. He smiled, finally regaining his composure and said, "I want to thank you for taking care of my sister. I was just worried that she disappeared from the house."

"Hey, no problem dude, she kept me company," I replied, shutting the door and heading back to the table.

"I'm at the house all day, it was nice to leave it for once," she said, her voice lowered in hush tones, her hollowed eyes lowered. Mason grimaced at her words.

"You know you should be getting your rest, sis," he said calmly. She looked at him defiantly.

"I'm not a caged bird, Mason. I have plenty of time to waste away in a hospital. Now is not that time," she said, her eyes gaining this intensity that made Mason flinch and back off. He looked at her, and nodded in approval but his jaw was set stonily.

"All right," he said. I could see him begin to internalize everything that had just happened. He wasn't happy but he seemed resigned to the idea that his sister clearly needed space and freedom and sat down for a bowl of stew.

***

Lucy was wonderful, though her health seemed to fluctuate between 'so so' to 'piss poor' and I remember a few times when there were complications that needed her to be rushed to the hospital which was blessedly down the street. Days after these flareups she was under house arrest, and Mason became her warden. After meeting her, I promised to visit at least once a week, to hang out with her and Mason, when he was free. Malcolm was quite pleased to know his stew was a big hit, and started hanging out with us, though he seemed a bit skittish around Lucy. I didn't want to make a big deal about it at least at first, but after the first 5 or so weeks of hanging out, I finally caved, risking a confrontation with him. Mack wasn't rude per say, he was quiet, really quiet. It wasn’t uncommon; he was always a quiet person but he refused to look Lucy in the eyes, or really in her direction. Like she was Medusa and he was afraid of being turned to stone. Mason was polite and also didn't voice any concerns but Lucy didn't deserve that.

"So, what's the deal with you and Lucy?" I asked suddenly as we walked toward the house. He looked at me, his jaw set, like he was keeping his mouth from opening to answer. After taking a few steps, we stopped halfway between Mason's and my place, and Mack cast me a rather sad look, and I was about to withdraw my question. I reached up a hand and gently touched his arm, hoping it would mollify him. His eyes quickly raced to my hand then back at me.

"She reminds me of my wife," he said quietly. He must have deciphered my slack jaw as a sign of pure shock. He quickly added, "Late wife."

"Oh." We kept walking to the house and I planted myself on one end of the sofa while he took the other. "You never talk about your life before us."

"'Us'?" he asked, one brow raised curiously. I grinned and rolled my eyes.

"You know what I mean. Before meeting the circle of friends. You seem really, I dunno, guarded about your life. I'm just saying is all..." I let my words peter out. There was an uncomfortable silence between us as I mulled over what I had said. It wasn't false; Mack wasn't a big talker to begin with but when anything personal came up, he would lock up. David, Chance and I each had our theories but everything was conjecture, nothing solid. I didn't want to pry though and included, "But I'll respect your wishes if you don't want to talk about it."

Mack didn't respond at all. His eyes had avoided mine, so I got up, headed into the kitchen and turned on the stove. "I'm going to make a pot of tea, would you like some?"

"...Yes, please," I heard a rather gravelly Mack respond from the living room. Shit, I made him upset. I'd never seen him upset, I thought, mentally bashing my head in with a two by four. The water heated promptly, followed by two packets of Earl Grey tea and a little bit of milk and I carried both mugs to the living room, handing one to him. His body hadn't moved in the past couple minutes and I sat on the cushion next to his.

"Listen, Mack, I'm really sorry for prying. I didn't mean to upset you." I took a sip of my tea and inhaled its earthy scent. Mack took a sip from his and I could see him nodding in my peripheral vision.

"I know," he said. He wasn't giving me much to work with here. After a stifling ten seconds of silence, he added, "I suppose I should talk about Anna and Michelle."

He cupped his mug in his bearlike paws, wrinkling his nose as he searched for words that seemed to elude him. "Anna and I got married right after high school. She was pregnant with our baby, Michelle, and our parents didn't want their grandchild to be a bastard so we got hitched." His eyes glazed over, like he was looking into the past itself. "The first two years were fine, not great; I had to work 2 jobs and Anna had to work part time to make ends meet, but we did, barely, but we did. Michelle was the most beautiful baby girl you'd ever laid eyes on." I smiled at his pleasant memory.

"That's really sweet, Mack," I said, smiling sympathetically.

"Yeah, it was," he responded. He took another sip from his mug and pursed his lips tightly, his eyes still far away. "One day, I was waiting for Anna to pick me up from work and she never came. I waited for hours. We were too poor for cell phones so all I could do was wait. And wait, and wait."

"What happened?" I asked, leaning forward just slightly. Mack's gray eyes darkened.

"They never made it. A drunk driver ran a red light, smashed into the drivers side at 60 miles an hour," Mack's voice cracked just slightly, his eyes widened as he spoke those words. "Anna only had a moment to react and she used that second to shield the baby. When police got to the scene, her body, mangled as it was, was seen clutching Michelle. The baby died on impact. Anna died on the way to the h-hospi-" His shoulders began to shake, his eyes watering up. I leapt into action, taking his mug from his hands and wrapping my arms around him protectively. He didn't pull away instead pulling me tightly to him, sobbing into my shoulder. It was the first time I'd ever seen Mack cry and it was silent sobs. I felt my shirt moisten from his tears but I didn't mind, it seemed like that story had been wearing on him for the past few weeks. Ever since we started hanging out with Lucy. His breakdown lasted a little over half an hour, but after we remained locked in embrace. I rubbed his back gently, rocking him, as much as a small guy like me could rock a mountain.

I winced as my mouth opened and said, "It'll be okay."

***

Almost instantly, the dynamic between Mack and I had shifted drastically. The weird barrier that had erected itself during the horror movie fiasco melted away. Watching one of my best friends break down like that changed me forever. After he calmed down, we sat in silence, basking in a glow of the embrace. I didn't want to pull away; he seemed like he really needed to vent out years of bottling up his emotions and letting go of those memories had significantly drained him. It was our first hug, and while I didn't put too much thought into it, I felt safe and needed. Mack's broad back had stopped spasming and everything seemed at peace. I couldn't wrap my arms around the circumference of his back, so I had one hand gently rubbing his neck, but it felt like my arms always belonged there. You're being silly, that nagging voice in my head chimed, don't fall for another friend who can't reciprocate.

And initially, I was great at that. Mack picked himself up by his bootstraps and we never talked about it, at least not immediately. I could tell Chance knew something was up when he saw the nearness of Mack and I, but I kept my mouth shut. Chance was never one to pry, so he respected my reticence. David never made any signs of him knowing the new closeness Mack and I shared, or if he did, he never mentioned.

The biggest breakthrough with Mack did not come for a few months yet. My work had pushed my hours into the evening, so this had begun cutting into my time with friends and my mood had been noticeably altered by the demanding hours. Don't get me wrong, the gang with Lucy and Mason in tow were quite amenable to the changes though, my inability to handle stress is legendarily sucky. I had my mornings free to sleep in late, head to work, work 8 hours, get off at 10 and head home by 11 only to put through the same damn ritual the next day. Hell, my weekends equally suffered because my day offs were sometime during the midweek so when I was free, nobody else was. Chance having finished his degree found himself with some extra time on his hand. He had been working with one of his professors after college, getting some real world experience while he mulled over the idea of graduate school. In spite of that, he seemed to always have time to hang out with me on the eve of my days off, even though he worked the following day. Mack who worked down the street from my job met me often for lunch, at a park nearby the store. We stumbled upon it randomly one day when he dropped by on my lunch break. I hated being cooped up in the store for the remainder of the day so this was my one true time to see sunlight before leaving work in the dead of night. Mack enjoyed walking with me, and each time we did it, we took a different path until one time when we passed a clearing to find a park with picnic tables strewn about. One lone table sat by a willow tree, it's branches dotting a tiny pond next to it. Instantly, we were drawn to that very spot, and a few times a week, we would bring our lunches and hang out. Mack begun to really come out of his shell, it was sort of magical to hear him talk, really talk about things as opposed to simply muttering a few words at a time. His laugh warmed my core, and I realized that after a year or so of knowing him, he had never really laughed. The group of friends were pretty jovial, it kind of surprised me that I never heard him really let himself go.

The horsing around and laughter and minor brushes of physical contact resonated with me, largely because of how safe I felt in his presence. In Chance's presence, I felt wanted, as good friends should feel, and around David I felt a bit out of sorts because I knew in the pit of my stomach, I didn't belong in his world. But Mack, Mack was different. Being around him made me feel ensconced in a pair of paternal loving arms. Like I was wrapped in a security blanket or napping in a hammock on a warm spring day. Everything about him seemed all encompassing, be it his words, his laugh, his hand on my back, it felt...right. Even after months of my new work shift, I shrugged off ideas that these physical connection was anything more than good friends goofing off. That's all it was, right?

I was even more surprised to find out that Mack had been trying to patch things up with Lucy by showing up and bringing baked goods for her and Mason. Since my schedule had been fubared by work, he and Chance stopped by their homes to hang out. Mason warmed up to them pretty quick and the response went from them being major hassles to having friends around to help Lucy still feel human. Her caged animal comment really struck a chord with me. It still does. I hate to say it, but Lucy represented that tangible sense of mortality in all of us. Mack saw it first and rebuffed her. Each time I looked at photos in their house, it looked like it was decades ago, but in reality was only 8 years. I tried desperately to not view her as someone who's health was constantly in jeopardy but it wasn't a perfect system. Chance however got along legendarily with her. They would sit, chat, laugh and flirt which Lucy just loved. She felt like a girl around him, something that Mason her brother, my the token gay guy, Mack the ... whatever he was, just couldn't supply her with. I think both of them knew nothing was going to come of it, but it was nice that Chance had someone to flirt with while he was single. While David didn't have time to stop by due to law school, he made appearances once or twice a month. This went on for a few months, maybe 4 or so, and things were great...or as great as it could be as I was constantly stressed out. There were days that I would go without seeing anyone but Mack but it was what it was.

And then the hammer fell.

It was an early spring day, and I had agreed to meet Chance at Mason's house for coffee before going to work. The door was open and I knocked gently but let myself in and I could hear talking. I didn't mean to spy on anyone, but I instantly heard Lucy say, "--did you tell Eli?"

"No, I will today though. I've been putting it off because there hadn't been a time we could really sit down and talk. I guess I've been putting it off for some time, it's just, I don't know, I feel like it's going to kill him," Chance's voice seemed strained. My brows furrowed. What was going to kill me? I grimaced sourly, but decided to make my presence known.

"Hey, anyone home?" I said a bit too loudly. Lucy poked her head from the doorway and looked at me. Her eyes brightened a bit when I stood there looking dumbly. Chance peered from behind her, and he grinned innocently.

"Hey, Eli," Lucy said, giving me a hug. Chance embraced me afterwards but I was a bit too stiff from shock to really reciprocate. He looked at me with those adoring eyes, "How's my favorite little man?"

"Good, I guess. What's going on?" I asked suspiciously. The two looked at each other then at me and grinned in that way you know something is up. Lucy reached up and touched Chance's arm and murmured, "I'll let you two go. Need to catch up on my beauty sleep."

"Riiiight," I said. Chance could detect the edge in my voice and put an arm around me and escorted out of the house.

"You heading to work in a bit?" he asked. I felt my nerves building.

"Uh, now I guess," I replied nervously. Chance beamed, "Awesome, I'll take the train with you. We need to talk."

The chain of words, "We need to talk," has historically never been good, in books, movies, and now in my life. The walk to the metro was spent in morbid silence, as I traced all of my experiences from the past few months, wondering if there was any telltale signs of worry, signs I never picked up on. I couldn't. This was gonna suck. We boarded the train as it pulled into the station. The ride would last an hour...but it felt like 5.

"So...are you and Lucy...dating?" I asked cautiously. That was all I could really think of. I mean, I guess it made sense, or something.

"I'm leaving DC, Eli," Chance blurted out when the train started moving. At first I wasn't sure I heard him correctly. "I-I'm leaving."

"What?" I said dumbly. I felt my heart plunge deep into my gut, like I had just made a loop on a roller coaster. He looked at me sadly, "You know how I've been working with my professor over the past couple months? Well, he told me to apply to graduate school, and pulled some strings so I could study abroad...in Germany."

"Germany?" I said weakly. He nodded.

"I wanted to tell you months ago but I just...got the acceptance letter yesterday...I wanted to tell you in person," he said quietly. His eyes searched mine, pleadingly. "Please, I need to know you're okay with it." His words felt like it was some sort of catalyst, to get a rise out of me. My eyes narrowed.

"Why do you need *my* approval?" I said, feeling the pangs of rejection jab at my insides. Chance closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Eli, please, don't be upset, this is something I know I need to do," his brow ridge wrinkled as he said those words, "Don't you think there is a life outside of DC? Outside of Maryland?"

"What about--" I stopped myself before I could say 'us'. My mouth clamped shut. Shit, this wasn't going to end well.

"You are my best bud, you know that. Or you should know that by now. I love you and I would never do something to hurt you, please believe me." A couple facing us on the train stared in fascination. I didn't care about them, only Chance's words. Or really the 'I love you' part. It was the first time he said it in a serious tone to me. Over the years, I kept waiting for him to say it, for signs that he did in fact love me. I knew deep in my heart that he did, that he would always love me. But I guess not in the way I wanted him to.

"I believe you, Chance," I said. My eyes diverted from his to my hands, fumbling with the zipper on my sweater. "It's just you're kind of my world."

"I know, and you're the center of mine too," he said, grinning, reaching for my hand and squeezing it gently. "And even if I'm hundreds of miles away, you will still be my #1 guy. Promise me, you're okay with all of this?"

Chance studied my face carefully and I dug deep into my mental reserves to form the words, "I promise."

I grinned with a dopey smile and looked at him. Grad school for him wouldn't happen for a few months so I'd have him in my life for at least that long. I wasn't sure what would come of this, if he would disappear for long breaks of time or if he'd come back each holiday. I think the latter was a bit too optimistic, judging the costs of flying too and from Germany. I knew this would be good for him, to have him experience life, outside of the gang, but deep down inside I hated knowing he’d be gone from my life.