Discovering Home - 15. I Didn't Know

“I didn’t know you were such a conniving, scheming, manipulative ass-hole. I hate what you did, Joseph McKendry. I hate….”

Those were all of the words that Thomas could get out of his mouth before he broke down and started weeping.

Joe had just returned from the grocery store. They were reduced to eating store-bought vegetables since the Farmer’s Market was still closed. Thomas refused to purchase grocery store produce, so Joe took on the role of grocery shopper. He walked into the hornet’s nest, unaware. He stood, looking completely bewildered.

“What did I do?” He knew not to add the words: this time.

“You talked to Sean. You told him everything, didn’t you?”

Joe looked at the breakfast room and saw the detritus from a package scattered around the room. On the table was a painting. He didn’t recognize the painting or the artist’s style. It looked like an American Primitive.

“You know that I call our son regularly. Thomas, what is this about?”

“It is about you loving me. I love you, too. But you should not have done this.”

“What have I done?”

“You told Sean about me being restless and looking at houses in Southport and Charleston. You must have scared him because he sent us this painting.”

“Show me.”

Thomas held it up for viewing.

It was a painting of the Yellow House. There were three stick figures standing on the front stoop. Over their heads were written the words, Daddy, Papa, and Sean. They were all holding hands. Written above the front door of the house were the words: Home Sweet Home. When Joe looked closer, he saw there were detailed paintings of people in each upstairs window: Mark, Dan, Belinda, Robert, Sidney, and Clay. They were painted in the 18^th-century portraiture style. They were all smiling down at the family below.

Also, a Harry and David’s box of fruit was delivered that morning from Dan and Mark. The note said they were sending their love and looking forward to visiting home as soon as they can get away. Sidney had called and asked for advice on being a new priest in a parish. Their family had reached out in their individual ways.

Joe had mentioned to Sean that Thomas was in a muddle about life and thought that moving back to the rice fields of Charleston would solve all of his problems. Joe told Sean he was at his wit's end with his husband and could not reason with him. He made clear that he was totally against moving to Charleston.

“It will not be good for him. He will regress further into this funk. I just don’t know what to do with your papa. I am frightened.”

Sean tried to calm his daddy and said he needed to think on it. That had been two weeks ago, and now a startling new painting arrived in Hillsborough. Sean had always been better at conveying his thoughts through images than trying to find words.

The call had rattled Sean. He thought that his family was solid as a rock. Having Sidney in Philadelphia filled a long-vacant space in his heart. It was as if he had been reserving that space, knowing that one day the right person would come along, and it would be filled. Now the space had been filled with love just as his papa was falling off the edge of the flat earth scenario he had created. He wasn’t spinning out into space; he was plummeting from the threshold of rationality into a morbid place of depression and darkness. Sean couldn’t let his daddy know how much that scared him. He couldn’t remember ever hearing Daddy Joe talk about Papa Thomas in that way. The fear in Joe’s voice had been palpable.

Just as Sean hung up the telephone from talking with his daddy, he heard the freight elevator gate opening, and there stood a naked Eli. He and Sidney were supposed to model for him that morning; only Sidney had called and said he had a church meeting. Sean wasn’t sure whether it was a ruse for not wanting to see Eli or whether he had a legitimate meeting.

Eli strode across the space with a smile on his face.

“Where’s my modeling partner?”

“He called and has a church meeting this morning. He isn’t available.”

Sean watched Eli deflate in front of him. His entire body sagged.

“I’m sorry, Eli. I can use your time this morning and will catch up with Sidney later.”

Eli was desultory all morning. He struck the poses as asked, but there was no energy in his stances. Eli exuded energy when paired with Sidney; Sean could actually feel the pheromones bursting from his cells and his skin bristling with energy. Today Eli was no more than a Plaster of Paris mannequin.

Sean knew that what he was capturing would not end up on canvas, so he spent the time doing detailed life drawings of Eli’s muscle groups. Sean could do them in his sleep, but he felt that he should honor Eli’s commitment to being physically present, though emotionally, he was somewhere else.

“That’s it. Thank you, Eli.”

Eli started putting his clothes on, thanked Sean, and walked to the elevator. Sean heard the gate open and then started thinking about the problem with his papa. He was deep into his thinking when he looked up and saw Eli standing in front of him.

“Do I stand a chance with him? He won’t talk to me. He is polite when he acknowledges me at church, but I could be just another parishioner. I don’t think I can do this. It is breaking my heart. It is not only about Sidney, but Clay has captured my heart and soul. He is the child I never thought I would have. Tell me, Sean.”

“He is muddled. That is all I know. He only talks to me about how busy he is at church. He has just started and is scared that he will fail. Perhaps, he can only take on one new project at a time.”

“I am not a project. I am a man. I know projects: I do them every day. Projects are my business.”

“I didn’t mean to offend. Sidney and I have not been brothers very long, and I am still learning a lot about him. Don’t give up on him. I see the way he looks at you, and it is some combination of lust and love. Every time the two of you model, he gets a raging hard-on before you finish. Maybe he is afraid of sex. I don’t think he has a lot of experience.”

“Thanks, Sean. I have to leave to go to a job, but my head is fucked. I didn’t know that loving Sidney would fuck with my head like this.”

Eli turned and went to the elevator, rode it to the ground, and then Sean heard the outer door slam. Sean waited a few minutes before he left. He secured the building and headed to the café. It was late enough to have missed the lunch crowd, so he was surprised when he saw Clay handing out menus. The child was giggling as he tried to tell people the specials for the day. His mangled English delighted everyone. Jimmy followed up with people to take their orders and clarify the specials. He saw Sidney sitting by himself; his shoulders were rounded as he picked at his food.

“Is this seat taken?”

Sidney looked up and smiled at his brother.

“What takes you out of your studio in the middle of the day? Do I need to restock the pantry?”

“No, it has been an interesting morning, and I needed a change of scenery.”

“What’s going on?”

“Papa Thomas is going through a difficult emotional patch. Daddy Joe called me this morning. I need to do something, but I don’t what.”

“So, you have spent the entire morning pondering this?”

Sean looked at Sidney and wasn’t sure how to respond. Clay approached the table squealing with delight to see Sean. He handed Sean a menu and told him the specials. Sean looked directly at Clay and listened intently.

“Which special is the best, Clay? What should I order?”

Clay got a quizzical look on his face like he was pondering the question and then shrugged his shoulders.

“I suggest the soup and sandwich today. A fresh haddock sandwich and a light chicken lemon soup. It is not as heavy as the Greek Avgolemono soup because it just uses chicken broth. It is a great combination.” Jimmy knew Sean’s taste preferences. Sean smiled at Jimmy and nodded. “I will also get you sparkling water – it is the best drink to have with the fish and chicken.”

Sean and Sidney sat without talking. Finally, Sidney could not stand the quiet.

“You were saying that Thomas is having a tough time.”

“Yes, just as I finished the call with Daddy Joe, Eli came in.”

Sidney acted as if he hadn’t heard what Sean said.

“I will call Thomas. He was my mentor in North Carolina, and I can ask him some questions about being a priest in a new church. That may help him feel like he has some purpose right now. I will call him this afternoon.”

Sean could only nod. They then talked about Sidney’s first few weeks at St. Anselm’s. Sean’s food arrived and Jimmy was right; it was a delicious combination. When he finished, he stood to leave, and Sidney also stood and said he had time to model. Sean told him that his brain wasn’t in a good place to paint, and he would see him later. Sean had put the elephant in the middle of the table, and Sidney had not acknowledged it was there.

Sidney had a restless night thinking about Thomas and Joe. His brain would also drift into thinking about Eli and Sidney. He was an artist, not a therapist. He had no answers. At seven the next morning, Sidney showered, shaved, put on a dress shirt and chinos, and left his house. He stopped by the café for a take-out coffee and croissant before driving southwest of the city until he was in Brandywine Country. Sean had two destinations: the museums in Chadds Ford and Longwood Gardens. He needed to get out of the city and to experience some different artwork. He also needed the tranquility of the gardens.

The traffic was not as bad as he feared, so he spent some time wandering through Chadds Ford before the museums opened. There was a simplicity in the village that he missed living in the city. The buildings were old and some rather primitive. That appealed to Sean and led him down a pathway of thinking of family. He visited the Wyeth museum and spent time examining their techniques and styles. He appreciated the generational differences between father, son, and grandson. He realized that he was hungry because he had been so absorbed in the artwork he had forgotten about the time. It was time to return to Philadelphia so that he wouldn’t get to the Longwood Gardens. He decided he would return the next day and explore even more. He was touching on something important in understanding his papa’s need to connect with home. The next morning, he awoke early and followed the same sequence as the day before, except he explored different sites, and it was in the middle of this second day that the answer came to him. He knew what he had to say to his papa through his painting. He would start on the painting the next morning after doing a bit more research. A smile crossed his face – it was the first time he had smiled in three days.

Eli was surprised when he pulled up to the warehouse on Saturday morning to see Sidney’s car. He realized his hands were shaking. Sidney had been missing in action for the last two weeks of modeling. Eli sat for a few minutes trying to center himself before seeing the man he desperately loved. The man who had been assiduously avoiding him. Eli opened a warehouse door and rolled his bike in, and then closed the door. He pushed the call button for the freight elevator and heard the motor as the elevator banged its way down the shaft. The door opened, and Eli had to wait again to control his emotions. He didn’t realize what a sensitive man he had become recently. Of course, he had never been in love like this. He pushed the elevator button and felt himself being lifted to his destiny. Would he be able to control his tongue and his body? He wanted to be nonchalant like it was the most normal thing in the world to be taking his clothes off and holding a man. The gate opened, and he heard the squeal: “Eliiiiiiiiiii.” Clay came running to him, held up his arms, and Eli scooped him up and swung him around. Clay hugged his neck and then kissed his cheek.

“I miss you.”

“I’ve missed you, too, Clayman.”

Eli carried Clay as he made the walk of torture. He stopped in front of Sean and told him he was sorry but that he would have to leave early as he had an unexpected job that required his services.

“I can be here for maybe two hours. I apologize, but I thought that two hours was better than nothing. Oh, hi Sidney. It is good to see you again.”

Clay, Sidney, and Sean were already undressed. Eli went into the bathroom, closed the door, and disrobed to calm his emotions. He was already starting to harden from looking at Sidney. He thought of vaginas and curvy undulating breasts to reduce his swelling. Anything other than the man he would handle for the next two hours. He flushed the toilet and opened the door.

“Okay, I’m ready. Just had to pee.”

Gosh, he thought, that lie slid too easily off of his tongue.

“Where do you want me?”

Sean was slightly distracted and placed them into a position against a drape. Eli was standing with his legs apart with his torso slightly twisted. Sidney was sitting on the floor with his arms circling Eli’s leg.

“Sean, where do you want me to look?”

“Eli, look out toward the horizon. Sidney, look up towards Eli’s face. Stretch your neck. I need it to block Eli’s thighs a little, but I want to see his penis.”

It was hard to tell who was more uncomfortable: Eli or Sidney. It didn’t help that Sean was unfocused.

“I apologize, but I am working on a painting for Papa Thomas, and it is nothing like anything I have ever done before. It is keeping me awake at night.”

Sean walked over and turned on the stereo for them to listen to a Wagner opera. Eli didn’t know which one; if asked, he wouldn’t have been able to tell you it was by Wagner. The music was filled with Sturm and Drang, and Eli tried to portray that in his stance and look. He dared not look down at Sidney, or he would have lost it. He was having a difficult time not getting an erection. He focused on the work at hand and ignored the handsome man holding onto his thigh and the hot breath that was blowing across his penis. Eli could feel Sidney’s hand slide up the back of his thigh and rub across his ass. Eli looked down and saw a puddle of cock snot on the floor underneath Sidney’s cock.

“Excuse me, Sidney. Sorry, Sean. I need to pee again.”

Eli practically ran to the toilet. He got a cold, wet washcloth and put it on his penis. Anything to make the swelling go down. He flushed the toilet and then took the cloth and wiped his face. All he could smell was his balls and penis. Damn, damn, damn. He needed to start thinking of vaginas again. When he exited the bathroom, he apologized and said he had consumed too much coffee that morning. He asked Sean the time and said he needed to leave in 15 minutes. Eli posed again, and by the time he was getting comfortable in the pose, it was time for him to leave.

Eli gave quick good-byes and practically ran from the studio after putting on his clothes. He went to the café and hoped that Sean and Sidney would not appear. Eli was in a muddle of the worst sort, so he wasn’t paying attention when the chair next to him was pulled back, and a handsome man sat. Eli smiled when he recognized a member of his rugby team.

“Tiger, how are you?”

“Doing good, E-Team, doing good. We have missed you at the practices recently.”

Eli hadn’t been to a rugby practice since Sidney had arrived. He kept hoping that he and Sidney would connect and didn’t want to be committed to games when he might have a boyfriend who needed his time.

“Why don’t you come with me this afternoon? I think your practice gear is still in your locker. Everyone misses you.”

Eli didn’t have an excuse not to go, so he swiftly ate his sandwich and hoped he wouldn’t see it a second time that afternoon. Sometimes the practices could be more physical than the actual games. He jumped on his bike and headed to the practice field. He went into the field house and opened his locker. Yep, his practice clothes were there and smelled as bad as when he had put them there after the last practice. He stripped, slid on the funky jockstrap and shorts. His jersey was covered in stains, but he didn’t care. He would take everything with him when he left so they could go in the wash. Just as he was getting ready to exit the locker room, Russell came up and hugged him.

“Missed you, buddy. Where the hell have you been?”

“You know, busy with stuff.”

“Stuff, huh? It must have been some really good stuff to keep you off the field.”

Eli blushed and lowered his head.

“Is it possible you are in love? Or is a bad case of lust?”

“Russell, I think I have met the one, but he keeps brushing me off. I keep chasing him, but he stays just out of reach.”

“You know what to do when the world doesn’t make sense. Stand still. Don’t move. Make this man chase you.”

Eli was befuddled for about two seconds, and then a grin started to spread across his face. Eli was chuckling as he and Russell headed to the field.

When they were showering after the game, Eli had an idea.

“Tiger, what are you doing tomorrow morning?”

“Nothing, E-Team; what do you need for me to do?”

“Go to church with me.”

Tiger looked at him like he was crazy, but it was no different than the look that Sidney gave the two of them the next morning as they were leaving after the church service.