World's Apart - 1. Story

Dear Alex,

I’ve known you since we were five; I still remember the first day we met. It was the first day of kindergarten, when my mom tried to leave and I clutched her hand for dear life, begging her not to leave me, trying to convince her to let me stay at home with her, but then I saw you, the way you walked into the classroom by yourself, and how you held yourself so together. I dropped my mom’s hand instantly and was practically pushing her out the door. She must have thought I was all kinds of crazy.

I remember sitting by myself during snack time, starting to wish I really did just stay at home with my mommy, but then you walked over and sat next to me. Sure, you ate all of my PB and J. Sure, I cried and told the teacher on you, and then you pushed me down and punched me in the face. I couldn’t believe Mr. Henderson’s face when we were dragged into his office. Then both our moms came into the office, and boy, were they mad! I never wanted to go back to school again after that, but then later that same day, you came over with your mom and you gave me another PB and J sandwich that you made just for me. I knew then, you were my best friend.

And as the years went by, we only got closer and closer. Once we were in middle school, I started waking up at 5:30 a.m. just so I could get a ride to school before my mom went to work. Since your mom worked in the school kitchen as the head chef, we were always there early. Remember all the mischief we caused? All the trouble we got into? How we helped your mom and the others in the kitchen so we always got free food. One of my teachers asked me what my favorite part of school was, and I’d say being there at 5:30 a.m. with my best friend, just hanging out. We always seemed to be together, whether it was at school, or before school, or after school at your house, we were like the two amigos, nothing could break us apart. Any time I got to spend with you was always fascinating and interesting, but at the same time, fun and filled with risk. All the things we would do, some of the games we would make up with just the sticks and rocks that lay around your house.

Then we went to high school where a lot of things changed. Sure, we were still best friends and everyone knew it, but you were now on the high school football team and not only just on it, but training to be the quarterback for when we became seniors. Oh boy, did everyone want to be your friend then, and all those girls who hung all over you, drooling over how buff and hot you were. But I stood there by your side; proud of everything you accomplished, proud to be your best friend. Sure, there were those times when we had our differences and fought. Hell, remember when I tried to swing at you and that only pissed you off even more, and you tossed me into that washing machine? But we got over those stupid little things, and always had each other’s backs, anytime someone picked on me, you were always there, threatening them, saying that you would kick their ass if they even looked at me the wrong way, and you did a few times, too. Sure, as we grew older you started asking me for things like borrowing money, or paying for everything when we went out together, but you were my best friend, I didn’t mind at all.

I’ll never forget that one day, that you changed my entire life in the blink of an eye. We were both 16 years old, and it was about 6:00 a.m. and I came over to your house just as your mother was leaving for work at the school with your brother in tow. You were sleeping on the couch, like you usually did, wearing just your boxers, like always, and the blanket barely covering anything above said boxers, and as I laid down on the floor beneath you on the blanket your mom already laid out for me, I watched you like I did most mornings. I watched how beautiful you were, your face looked so happy, and your body, it was just amazing. No one ever understood how you were our quarterback, I mean, you were so skinny, but that didn’t matter because you were strong and buff. Sure, it didn’t show with the clothes you often wore, but when you laid there on your couch half naked, everything showed, from the way your back would flex with every move your body made, to the veins that would pop though your arms when you gripped onto anything.

So I waited until 6:30 to wake you up, and you looked at me and smiled, asked me what time it was, and I told you. You groaned that it was still too early and told me to wake you up in 30 minutes. I complained to you that I was bored, so you suggested that I watch TV, but I whined that TV was boring, so you whispered softly, just barely loud enough for me to make out, to give you head. I couldn’t believe my ears, did my best friend, who was the center of my fantasies since I was 13, just tell me to do what I had always dreamed of? But I wasn’t sure if I heard what I thought I heard, so I asked you, “What?” and you repeated yourself a bit louder while sitting up, wide awake now. And, like an idiot, I agreed right away. But then you asked me the question I’d always be dreading, and that was if I was gay. But I didn’t know what to say. Sure, I knew I was in love with you since we met, but I didn’t share those feelings for any other guys, just you. Did that still make me gay? I shook my head and said, “No, I wasn’t gay.” But then you kept pursuing the question, asking me, “If you’re not gay, why do you want to give me head?” and I just frowned and threw my hands in the air, not knowing what else to say. So, I just stood up and said, “Never mind, just forget the whole thing.” But you weren’t having any of that, no, instead, you answered for me, saying maybe I was just curious about giving another guy head, and I agreed. You told me that If I still wanted to, that I could, and you stood up and took your boxers off, exposing yourself to me for the first time ever fully nude, and boy was it a surprise with your 9 inch dick all hard and very thick and stiff, and then you began stroking yourself right in front of me. Then, when I hesitated for a moment, you told me to hurry up because we were going to be late for school, so I kneeled in front of you and did what I had been fantasizing about for years. I sucked your dick. I had no clue what I was doing, and you screamed for me not to use my teeth and hide them behind my lips, and I tried again. When we were done and went to school, all I could think about, all I could focus on, was you, and me on my knees giving you head. The thought and pictures of the event followed me for the entire day of school, and that following week.

“Alex?”

“Huh?”

“Honey, are you alright?” my mother was bent down and looked just about ready to panic.

“Why am I on the floor? And wasn’t I just in my room reading that...”

“Alex, you just came home. You walked though the door, and then suddenly, you were on the floor, like you blacked out or something. I think we should take you to the emergency room.” My mother felt my head, and then rushed into the kitchen where the phone was, but I protested and insisted that I was alright.

“Mom, I’m just tired from Iraq and all, that’s it, I promise.” I know she didn’t believe me, but she didn’t ask anymore questions. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and headed upstairs to my room. I was just as confused as she seemed to be. It all felt so real, it just didn’t make any sense, and that letter, what did the rest of that letter say… I was so confused, so tired, I dropped all of my bags on the floor and dropped into my bed.

Wanting to see what has changed since I’ve been away I quickly found the remote control for the TV and turned it to the local news. Pretty much even the news was the same, there was nothing special on, mostly they just talked about a fire a few miles away from my house due to kids getting a hold of a lighter. I was just about to change the channel, but stopped when I heard the top story of the day. It went something like this: Last night, at about 12:15 a.m., police were called out to the Makiki area, where neighbors swore they heard what sounded like a gun firing, but only once. Officials found a boy, who they assume was only in his twenties, lying on the floor with a gun next to him. Police believe this was a suicide and are investigating. No information about this victim has yet been released, but we will keep you informed.

For some reason that news really bothered me, maybe it was because I lived in the Makiki area as well, and it might have even been someone I knew. It's a shame that people would just take their life for stupid little things, no matter what it was, what a shame. I clicked off the news, not wanting to depress myself, and headed into the bathroom.

"It was your fault."

I stopped walking and looked around, but no one was to be found.

"Mom, did you say something?" I called out into the living room knowing I had heard something.

"No, honey, I didn't," she called back.

“Hmm I think it's time for bed,” I thought out loud, figuring I was just tired and hearing things. I went into the bathroom and washed my face after I finished brushing my teeth. I changed into just my boxers before heading back into my room and getting settled back into the comfort of my room and bed. It was good to be home, I thought, while drifting off to the long and awaited sleep my body desperately needed.


"Hello, is anybody home?" I called out while knocking on the door. The impact of me knocking on the door opened it just slightly, enough for me to realize it was open. Not knowing what else to do, I opened the door and slowly entered. "Hello?" I called out again, looking around, but everything was empty. All the furniture was gone, the house looked like it was just renovated and everything that had been here was now missing. It just seemed like a vacant house.

"I'm over here," a soft, yet mysterious, voice whispered from the staircase, and I spun around just in time to see what I made out as a shadow dashing up the stairs, only there was no sounds of footsteps running up any stairs. Not knowing what else to do, I followed the voice, and made my way to the second floor. The hallway and small living area up here was just as empty and bare as the first floor, and now I was really starting to get confused.

"Pssst, in here," the same voice whispered followed by a door slamming shut. My body was slowly shaking and I didn't know why, something about that voice just didn't seem right. Yet, I still followed the voice until I stood in front of a very familiar door. I gripped the handle tightly and shoved the door open. It was my room. Everything was there, all of my clothes, my computer, my bed, my TV; everything was still where I had left it. But I looked around more carefully and I began to get goose bumps. My pictures... all of the pictures with me and Shawn were ruined. Someone had come by and ripped Shawn out of each and every single picture, leaving just me and whatever other friend was with us at the time.

"What the hell?"

"It's a shame, isn't it?" the same mysterious voice called out, in not so much of a whisper anymore. I spun around and came face to face with the body of a little girl.

"What are you... Wha, what do you want from me," I was panicking and I kept taking steps backwards, and with each step back I took, the little girl with long black hair covering her face took a step forward. I kept going backwards until I tripped over my bed and ended up falling over on to the other side of it. I stood up as quickly as humanly possible, but then there was nothing, she was gone. All that was left was a piece of paper where the shadowy figure was last standing. I cautiously bent over and picked up the blank piece of paper, and flipped it over. All that was written was my name, Alex, but it wasn't the letter that scared me, it was the fact that my name was written in blood.

"Alex, Alex!"

My eyes flew open, and I bolted upright in the sitting position on my bed. My breathing was heavy, and my entire body was covered in sweat. Standing at my doorway was my sixteen year old brother, watching me with amusement.

"You alright, bro? Looks like you were having a nightmare," TJ observed from the doorway, still smirking.

"I'm fine," I replied sternly.

"Whatever. Mom said it's time for breakfast and then you get to drive me to the mall. Welcome home, bro," Tj announced, still smirking as he left the doorway to my room.

"It was just a dream. It was just a dream," I kept repeating to myself. After a nice long shower, I got changed and headed downstairs to where my mother and brother sat at the dinner table already eating without me. I took my seat next to my brother and just stared at the pancakes in front of me while my brain wondered off to that dream, what did it mean? And who was that little girl? It all seemed so real...

"Is everything alright dear? Your brother told me you were having a nightmare," my mom was worried. You could tell from the way her eyes watched me and waited for my response. I gave my kid brother a cold stare and smacked the back of his head, hard.

"Ouch," he complained while rubbing his head.

"It's nothing, Mom, promise," and then there were no more questions, the subject was dropped just like that. The remainder of the morning consisted of my mom and brother asking me things about Iraq, and me answering them as much as I could. After breakfast, I took the little shit to the mall and headed over to Shawn's house, which was packed full of cars, of all types, which was very odd. I parked behind some Jeep and approached the front door. I didn't have to wait long before Shawn's mom opened the front door and gave me the quick once over.

"What the hell do YOU want?" That wasn't the reaction I was expecting from her. She gave me a look meant to kill.

"I'm sorry, did I come at a bad time? I just came to see how Shawn's doing,"

"Why do you care how Shawn's doing? When did you ever care how Shawn was doing?!" She was screaming at me now at the top of her lungs. The door opened wider and some man I have never seen before gently pushed Shawn's mother aside and blocked the path between the two of us.

"I think you better leave, now!" spoke the man who blocked the path between myself and Shawn’s mother, and with that, slammed the door in my face.

I could hear a loud commotion coming from within the house and decided it was best to leave, but boy was I confused. Where on earth did the lady I called my second mom get all that anger and hatred from, and why the hell did she direct it all at me for? I reentered my car and closed the door.

"How could you be so blind?"

It was the same voice from the dream, the same voice from my bathroom. The same, now annoying, little girl’s voice. Now I was really getting frustrated.

"Who are you and what do you want from me?" I whispered back, still looking left to right, searching for the source.

"I want what you took from me."

Those words sent shivers down my spine, because I could feel the voice whispering into my ear. Those seven words haunted me for the rest of the night. For once in my life I was scared, I didn't know what was going on, but most importantly, I was scared.

Buzz. I jumped at the sound of my phone, but quickly recovered and answered it.

“Hello?”

“Alex?”

“Umm, hey, Kristen.”

“Alex, are you alright? You sound all shaken up.”

“I’m fine, so we still on for tonight, babe?”

“Are you sure you’re alright? I’ve never heard you like this before.”

“Fine, promise, I’ll see you in a few hours.” It was a lie, I really wasn’t alright, I didn’t know what was going on but it certainly wasn’t normal. I rubbed my eyes and put the key in the ignition.

I stood right in front of the closed front door of my house. In front of me was a teenager, he must have been about sixteen years old. He sat on the living room couch, just a towel covering him, which didn’t do too good of a job.

“Hello?” I called out to the boy, but he didn’t seem to hear me. Something about this boy looked very familiar, as a matter of fact, this entire scene felt like déjà vu. I moved closer to the boy who still didn’t seem to even notice my presence, but just as I moved away from the door there was a loud knocking sound. The boy looked straight at me, or rather, through me if that was even possible. But once I saw his face, I knew who the boy was.

It was me.

“It’s open, come in,” the younger me called out while he stood up and put the towel fully over his bottom half, covering himself. A few seconds later the door opened and another boy walked in. He closed the door and locked it like he was instructed to do by the younger me. Once the other boy, who I recognized immediately as Shawn, locked the door, the younger me took the towel off and waved Shawn over.

“So did you bring it?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know, Alex. I don’t feel right about taking money from my mom.”

“You wanna give me head don’t you?”

“Umm, yeah…”

“Well, then shut up and give me the money.”

“I don’t know, Alex…”

“You know what, fine, never mind, just go home Shawn.” The younger me grabbed his boxers that were next to him and quickly put them on while walking into the bathroom, leaving a shocked Shawn standing their speechless.

“Wait,” Shawn said suddenly causing Alex to turn around smirking, like he planned it all out to happen like this.

“Here,” Shawn said while handing Alex the forty dollars he held in his back pocket.

“That’s it? Eh, alright, I’m gonna go take a shower.”

“Wait, can I, you know?” Alex thought about it for a second, but then frowned.

“Why do you always want to give me head? You are gay, aren’t you? Besides I don’t feel like it and I’m going to be late for my date with Jessica,” the younger me said, walking into the bathroom and shutting the door, and you could hear the click of him locking the door.

I stood there confused. “Why was I reliving my past?” I asked myself, but then I could hear a slight sob. It was coming from Shawn, who was now sitting on the floor, tears running down his cheeks. This was something I didn’t remember, most likely because I was in the shower, besides, he knew what I would have done if he’d started crying in front of me. I would have called him a faggot. After a few minutes Shawn slowly got up, still teary eyed, he unlocked the front door and slowly left my house. “What the hell is going on?”

“Alex? Honey, why are you sleeping in your car?” my mother called out from the front door looking concerned as ever. I lifted my head off the wheel and looked around. How did I get here? I didn’t even remember driving home.

I stumbled out of the car and into the house, past a very worried looking mother. Just as I entered my room, I knew I was being followed, but I didn’t care, I just collapsed into my bed.

“Honey, I know right now isn’t the best time, but I have something important to speak to you about.” She sat at the edge of the bed and watched me carefully. I grumbled and flipped over and leaned over to one side so that I was now facing her. That’s when I noticed the tears running down her cheeks. That really got my attention. See, my mom doesn’t cry easily.

“Mom, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it… Shawn was found dead the day before you came home. I‘m so sorry, honey,” she griped onto my hand when she firmly explained to me what had happened. The news didn’t seem to shock me as much as it should have, maybe it was because of all the weird things that had been happening or the encounter with his mother that gave it away, but I knew something wasn’t right. Then it hit me, maybe that’s what those voices were, those memories. It was Shawn, but what did he want from me? Why, why the hell was he haunting me and why was he using a little girl to do it? I couldn’t sleep; something about my best friend killing himself the day before I came home bothered me. Why would he do such a thing, especially the day before I came home? I mean, what, he couldn’t have fucking waited till I came home? Shit what am I saying? He was my best friend. Sure, I may not have treated him decently before I left, or while I was gone, but he had to know I cared about him… right?

And what was up with his Mom? God, things just didn’t make any sense. The rest of that night ended up mostly with me just thinking, sleep didn’t overcome me at all that night. I guess a part of me was scared to sleep, now that I knew Shawn had to have something to do with the little girl that’s been haunting me, but surprisingly nothing happened this night, there were no voices, no dreams, no flashbacks, nothing. I didn’t bother to call Kristen and cancel our date. Instead, I just shut off my phone and kept to my thoughts.

Morning didn’t seem to come quite as fast as I was hoping. My mom explained to me last night that they would be holding his funeral at the only cemetery in our area. I don’t think she was ready for my reaction to the news, because really I had no reaction, I felt nothing, no pain, no sorrow, nothing, but she never said anything about it, just that she thought I should have gone with her. But despite my better judgment, I declined. I knew his mother blamed me for something, and I was quite sure she didn’t want me there. Besides what would I have said, what would I have done if someone asked me a question? I just couldn’t handle it, so instead, I stayed in the living room and watched TV all morning.

“Didn’t even bother to go to the funeral I see.”

There it was; the same innocent, young, petite voice I kept hearing over and over in my head.

I looked up, and there, right in front of my eyes, appeared the same little girl. She must have been at least nine years old, typical height and weight, with her long black hair still hanging in front of her face. She wore all black this time compared to the past times where she just wore what any normal nine year old would wear.

My body froze once more, but this time things felt different. I knew this person had to have been working for Shawn, the real person behind all the weird dreams, the random things that have been happening. I’ve known him his entire life, and I wasn’t about to let him take control of my life. I just remained sitting on the couch watching her closely. She stood on the stairway and faced me.

“I know it’s you, Shawn. I’m not scared of you… I’m not scared of you.” Who was I trying to convince, I was shaking in my boots?

“It’s not me you should be afraid of Alex.”

Her voice was different, it was much colder then I had ever heard before.

“What are you talking about?” My eyes widened in surprise, I wasn’t quite sure what his reply would be, but I wasn’t expecting that.

“Just.. just leave me alone!” I screamed in frustration.

“Not until you realize what it was you did. Not until you feel pain, and trust me, you’ll feel it, harder than you think. The best thing is, you won’t even see it coming.”

Without another word she vanished into thin air, as if she was never there, and this time she left behind nothing. Emotions, something I learned to rid myself of long ago, seemed to be eating away at me as of late. It was hard to explain, but I knew her words were sincere. She was in pain, she was hurting, but why? That was the question, my mystery.

Knowing immediately what she meant, I reached out for my cell phone and called my mother. After a few tries, she picked up and I urged her to come home right away. I knew the girl would go after her. When my mother finally returned home ten minutes later, she was outraged at my request for her to go on a little trip away from the islands. I knew that if she was miles away with the rest of the family on the mainland she would be safe, and after much argument and planning, it was done. It wasn’t cheap or easy to get a plane ticket on such short notice, but with some extra money that I obtained from serving in the National Guard, I was able to get my mom to the mainland for the week. I felt very relieved when I watched her board the plane and then take off. It was one less thing to worry about.

I parked the car in front of the house, and opened the door into the living room. To be honest I wasn’t a bit surprised to see her sitting there on my couch. She had the TV on, hell she didn’t even seem to notice my presence there.

“I was wondering when you’d be back, you’re just in time.”

She was laughing. She was actually laughing at me, and I stood there confused.

“This just in, American Airlines flight number 3658, on a nonstop route to Las Vegas, has been marked missing. Officials are not sure how this is possible and advises everyone to stay calm, in case this is some kind of malfunction within the airline system. The National Guard has sent out a fleet of jets and will search for the missing plane. We will keep you informed to the latest news as we receive it.” She was smirking at me, I couldn’t see it, but I could feel it, she was enjoying every second of this.

“You shouldn’t stand their with your mouth open Alex, it’s very rude.”

“No….” I stood there frozen, my entire body trembling. “No,” I repeated shaking my head left to right. This couldn’t be happening, how did she know?

“You, you little bitch,” I jumped off of the floor and rushed into the couch she so comfortably sat on. I landed into it head first, tears streaking down my face.

“How does it feel to lose someone you love, Alex, how does it feel?”

The voice was distant and I knew she was gone yet again.

“She was my mother, you fucking monster. MY MOTHER!” I screamed, into the air, and landed onto the floor breaking the coffee table next to the couch in my attempt at standing up.

“Show yourself!” I screamed

“What’s wrong, Alex, can’t handle losing someone you love?”

“Why are you doing this to me? WHO ARE YOU!”

“Don’t recognize me Alex?No, maybe this will refresh your memory some.”

The girl somehow teleported directly in front of me, and my body was stiff, stuck even, I was frozen to the ground, not able to move. The girl reached for her face, and pulled off a mask revealing herself to me once and for all.

I stood there dumbfounded, while I stared at myself. There in front of me, was myself, it was like looking in a mirror. He tossed the costume of the girl he had been wearing aside, and stood up so that he was now at my height.

“Why, why are you doing this to me, to yourself?” The words didn’t seem like mine, yet they escaped from my mouth, they froze me, and quite frankly, I was just about ready to faint.

“Always blaming others, tsk tsk tsk. It’s a shame though, because really, the only person you can blame is yourself. You called me a monster? Well just remember I’m just a reflection of you. Now, how’s it feel to know you killed your own mother? Just like you killed your best friend? Do I have your attention now, Alex, or do more people have to die by your hand?”

“No, no, you have my attention; please don’t harm anyone else, please.” My body was freed from whatever held me frozen in place and I collapsed onto the floor, begging myself.

He stood in front of me waved his hands in the air, and suddenly, the room filled with darkness, I could feel everything around me moving, but it was dark, blank, like my eyes were closed all along. I shut my eyes and reopened them and was astonished at what I saw. I was no longer in my house; I was now in Shawn’s house, in Shawn’s room. “No, how…” all over his bed were books, journals, it appeared he kept a journal of every day of his life, but that meant, everything we did together… The thought of destroying the journals so no one knew of my secret filled my mind. I reached out for the journals but they disappeared in my hands. On his bed was a letter, simply floating in mid air.

“The, the letter…”

“Ah so you do remember then? I think it’s time to finish reading what you started.”

Did you think I wouldn’t notice the way you started to treat me after that day? Well I didn’t, not for a while anyway. The way you slowly stopped hanging out with me, the way you always seemed to have something else to do rather than hang out with me. The way you would just look at me and shake your head in shame after we did something sexual together.

The day of our High School graduation, do you know why it was the best day of my life? Because you came up to me and told me you loved me, you told me how I meant the world to you, and that you’ll always love me. Then later that same day I confided in you and told you my darkest secret of all, that I was gay… I knew you’d be fine with it, because of everything we did together, because I knew you already knew, but telling you face to face was more something I had to do, than you knowing. And you were fine with it; you even gave me a hug and took it all in stride. So, the following day I asked you what you thought if I told my mother about me, about us. You changed right before my eyes. “Us?” you repeated in the most hateful tone I have ever heard. “There will never be an ‘us’, Shawn, you’re a faggot. I’m straight; I thought I made this clear.” I was about to object, to try and make sense of this, but you wouldn’t let me, instead, you told me it was better if I left, and you told me not to contact you anymore, that if you wanted to see me you would call me. Which you didn’t, not until you broke up with your girlfriend, and needed someone to take care of your needs, but things were never the same between us after that day.

I was a complete and utter mess, Alex. I never went out, never went to college, I never did anything but cry and moan about you leaving me. It was only a matter of time before I ended up confessing everything to my mom. Do you know she can’t even stand to look at me now? She works and works and works, when she’s not working, she makes an excuse to get out of the house, but it’s not because she’s busy. It’s because she can’t stand to be near me, to talk to me, she won’t even fucking look at me, Alex, do you know how it feels to lose the only person who ever cared about you? No, you’ll never know that feeling because everyone loves you, Alex, everyone. But with time, I dealt with the fact that my mother couldn’t be anywhere near me, I dealt with the fact that you wanted nothing to do with me, I was finally getting better, and then you called and begged me to come over, and like the little puppet I was, I did, and all those feelings I spent years trying to get over all came back.

I was never able to move on, Alex. I was never able to meet anyone else, because no matter how hard I tried, I always ended up comparing them to you, and it just wasn’t the same. You left to go to Iraq for ten years, Alex, ten fucking years. Yet, as much as I begged and pleaded, you never returned any of my calls you never saw me before you left, you didn’t even bother to write me anything. You hurt me, Alex, for all these years you hurt me, but nothing hurt more than my so called best friend leaving and not even bothering to make time for the person who’s cared the most for you. But I still wrote to you, every single month, I wrote to you, and after every letter, I sat at home and prayed that maybe this time you would write me back. God, just how stupid was I?

I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you, Alex, no matter how much I try, no matter what I do to myself, I’ll always think of you, and everything you meant to me, even if you didn’t share my feelings. You knew how my relationship with my mother was, Alex, you knew I had no one to love me, and you used that against me, knowing that you could get me to love you, because really you were all I ever had, even if it meant nothing to you, I cherished those moments we had together. I don’t think it’s fair, Alex, that you could cause one person so much pain, so much misery, and not even be there to witness what you did to me. I really thought I was over you, for the last year I decided I was going to do it; I was going to get over you and move on. That’s why the letters stopped, I had to get you off of my mind, I had to keep you distant, but I couldn’t do it, not when everywhere I went reminded me of you. Every single place I went in some way or another had to do with you, and it was killing me, Alex.

You know why I wanted to see you so badly before you left? Because I wanted to tell you, no, I needed to tell you how I felt about you, and I needed to know how you felt about me. If only you just took the five minutes to meet me, things could have been so different. If only you’d have told me you didn’t love me the way I loved you, I could have moved on, I could have gotten over you, but you knew that, didn’t you? You knew that once I found out you didn’t share my feelings I would have moved on, and you’d no longer have that power over me. Or was it that you really did love me, but you were scared, scared of what people would think of you for being with another guy, afraid of what people would say about you. Well tell me was it worth it, Alex? Can you look yourself in the mirror and be proud of what you did to me? How fucked up you made me? How’s it feel to know you single handedly destroyed my life? And for what? Power? Satisfaction? To get off? Well I hope you’re proud, so proud that you can share this with the entire world. You were the cause for all my pain, my suffering. You stole the most important thing from me, you made it so that I could never love anyone ever again, so that no one could, or would, ever love me. Well, I think it’s only fair that I give you a little taste of your own medicine; you took the one thing that meant anything to me, Alex, and that was my heart. Well I think it’s time to get a new one, and I know just the one I want. Don’t be scared, Alex, you stole my heart, so now I’ll steal yours, but don’t worry, I’ll take good care of yours, I’ll make sure no one ever gets hurt by you again.

Yours Truly,

Shawn

“It’s about time you know what you did to me all these years…”

This was no longer the voice of either the little girl or myself, no, this voice belonged to Shawn.

“Shawn?” I asked uncertain, while a figure began to appear just before my eyes. It seemed Shawn had changed a lot over the years. He was no longer the chubby boy I remembered, no, he lost a lot of weight, and grew into a very, very handsome man. A man I almost didn’t recognize.

“Wait, it, it can’t be you’re... You’re DEAD!” I stated, determined.

“I didn’t even think you noticed,” Shawn announced bitterly.

“Please don’t hurt me,” I begged.

“That’s all you think about, Alex, isn’t it? That’s all you ever thought about, yourself.”

“Shawn, please, best friends don’t do this…”

“Best friends?” Shawn screamed outraged. “You’ll never learn, you’ll never change.”

“What... What are you doing!?” I asked when Shawn moved closer to me.

“I’m making sure you can never hurt anyone again.”

Shawn approached me, closer and closer, until he stood directly in front of me, face to face. I forced my left hand into a fist and took a swing at him, but my fist went right though his body. He then appeared behind me, and I felt his hand thrust into my upper back. I screamed out in pain as he reached around for something and then pulled it out. I fell to my knees, then onto the floor. I watched in horror as Shawn held my still beating heart in his now bloody hands, in front of my face. He then bent down and whispered ever so softly, “I’ll see you on the other side, Alex.”

***

“NOOOOOOOOO!” I screamed, tossing and turning. I forcefully ripped the blankets from my body and tossed them aside. The tears were really flowing down my cheeks now, more and more. I couldn’t believe the kind of pain that I put someone through, the kind of pain that I put my best friend through… He killed himself, all because of me….

“I’m, I’m so sorry, Shawn, I’m soooo sorrryyyy…” I screamed into my pillow, as the waterworks continued. I felt anger, rage, but most of all I felt guilt, remorse, for what I did, for what I allowed to happen to my best friend, the only person who was ever true to me, and now he’s dead, and the nightmares that haunt me every night are a constant reminder of what happened, because of me…

All because of me…

*Authors Note*

A big thanks to Viv, the woman who just about does it all, and with style too! Too be honest I was having a hell of a week and Viv helped me a lot, and then this story was created, neat huh? So thank you Viv, for just about everything. A big hand for Tiff, who despite the amount of times I was ready to quit and give up, kept pushing me and yelling at me to finish. She's helped me to brainstorm with ideas and to put together all the thought in my head, thanks for putting up with me Tiff, I know how difficult I can be. Last but not least thank you Gabe (B1ue) and Graeme, for working with me at the last possible second and helping me to get this story just the way I wanted it, in the nick of time!

All other mistakes are mine and mine alone! Last but not least a big thanks to you! That's right you reading this right now, thank you for taking time to spare my story a glance.

Reading feedback really helps to keep me motivated into writing more, so if you really did enjoy the story, please let me know one way or another. All sorts of comments and advise Is also very recommended, none of us are perfect!

© 2008 Meeko (L0st Cause)

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