Fools Rush In - 2. Knowledge is Power

Knowledge is Power

“Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.”

-William Butler Yeats

CHAD

Despite my deepest desires, the sun still rose on Tuesday morning and I still had to go to school. I was dreading the school part as much as I usually did but I knew that I had to go to the Prude’s house today. Just the thought of spending any significant amount of time with the Prude made me want to die inside. Today was going to be a long day.

***

To my greatest displeasure, the school day went by so quickly I barely had time to comprehend the meaning of the final bell. Usually this would be a blessing, but the inevitable encounter seemed just that much closer. I stood up with my backpack and walked as slowly as possible down the hallways toward my locker. I waved to my friends and others as I walked but more importantly, while I was walking, I had a small epiphany. I bet the Prude would be willing to just do my homework for me if I pay him enough!

I was quite excited by my moment of genius and I got to my locker faster than I had planned. Usually I wouldn’t have even bothered with the unnecessary stop between school and my home but I had to grab all of the homework I was going to have The Prude do for me. I twisted the combination and started stuffing my back pack full of month old papers and books. A shadow came up from behind me and I glanced around when I heard a familiar voice.

“Dude, why are you cramming all of that junk into your bag?” asked Jerry as he watched me curiously.

“I have to take all of this home. The school told me my locker was too messy,” I lied.

“I can see why they might say that, but that isn’t why I came to talk to you. A few of us are going to the lake. You in?” he asked.

“Right now?” I asked, already fearing the answer.

“Of course right now, num nuts,” he laughed slightly as he shook his head.

“Dude I wish I could, but I have a crap ton of junk to do at my house,” I lied again.

“When have you ever done any chores in your life?” he joked.

“I did the dishes once,” I retorted.

“Whatever. So seriously though, are you coming?” he asked again seriously.

“I really can’t,” I said sadly.

“Julie is going to be there,” he said.

“Who’s Julie?” I asked questioningly. I really had no idea who she was.

“The hot girl from English class,” he answered with a small grin on his face.

“Really?” I asked excitedly. She was super hot.

“Hell yah, and I heard a rumor that she has the hots for you. I’m just saying, I’d tap that.” he said jokingly as he pushed his elbow into my side.

“Shut up, man. I really do want to go but Coach will have my ass if do,” I replied, even more downtrodden than before.

“Why will Coach have your ass if you don’t do your chores?” he asked confusedly.

I was going to have to lie again. Fortunately for me, Jerry was pretty gullible when it came to my lies.

“I lied about the chores earlier. I promised Coach I would help out with some kids learning to swim at the Rec Center. I can’t skip out ‘cause I already told him I’d be there,” I lied quickly.

One of my few good skills was lying on the spot. I had been perfecting it for years.

“Why didn’t you just say so earlier? That’s pretty cool of yah Chad. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he replied as he started walking away with a group of my friends that had been waiting for him.

“See you later,” I yelled back as they made their way to the parking lot.

I was glad the conversation was over but I was pretty upset too. I loved going to the lake and I liked the women at the lake even more. Missing the chance to swim with a hot girl for tutoring with The Prude totally sucked balls.

I finished packing up my bag and headed once again as slowly as possible to my car in the school parking lot. The cell phone I fished out of my pocket said it was only 3:00 and I wasn’t supposed to be to The Prude’s until 4:00. Even worse, the prude lived like three minutes away by car from the school.

“What the hell am I going to do for an hour?” I asked no one in particular.

When no one answered, I hopped into my car and reclined the driver’s seat. I put in two ear buds and closed my eyes as I listened to my iPod.

The next time I opened my eyes, the car clock said 4:20. I realized that I must have fallen asleep.

“Shit! The Prude is not going to like this.” I cursed as I threw the seat back up and turned the car on.

I sped out of the parking lot and made my way to his house. Finding his house was fairly easily, especially because The Prude not only gave me his address, he had given me a detailed map, step by step directions, and a sketch of his home. Even the worst driver wouldn’t have gotten lost with this kid’s instructions.

I got there in record time and the clock read only 4:22. I grabbed my back pack and wallet, and I jumped out of the car.

The house wasn’t huge. Some might have even called it quaint. One thing was for sure though, the house was well kept. I couldn’t see a single leaf out of place as I walked to the door, and the grass had been mowed in nearly perfect lines. A cutesee door ornament welcomed me as I rang the bell.

The piano playing on the other side stopped and a woman came to the door. She looked middle aged and very kindly.

I could tell she was trying to remember if she knew me as she squinted through her glasses.

“Yes?” she asked.

“Are you Ms. Wilmot, ma’am?” I asked politely.

“Yes. May I ask who is asking?” she asked in return with a small smile.

“My name is Chad Johnson, ma’am. Thaddeus and me –“

“Thaddeus and I” she interrupted.

“Of course, my deepest apologies ma’am.” I answered quickly.

“You’re fine. Please do come inside,” she greeted me warmly. “I must apologize for reprimanding you, but I am a school teacher. It’s habit these days.”

I walked inside quickly and I realized there was a small child sitting at the piano bench. He was staring at me, so I gave him a little wave. He turned around quickly, avoiding eye contact with me.

“Taddy lives in the basement. If you just go down those stairs, I’m sure you’ll find his room,” she smiled as she returned to her seat next to the bench. “If you don’t mind, I need to return to this piano lesson now. Feel free to ask though if you need anything.”

With that thought, she returned to instructing her student and scales filled the room as the student began playing again.

I walked down the stairs in the kitchen per instruction. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to find his room but his mother was right. His room was easy to find. Most teenagers have posters and keep out signs on their doors. His door had a small brass plaque that read:

Thaddeus James Wilmot

Genius, Philanthropist, and Socialite

PLEASE RING

Directly below the plaque was a box with a button in the middle. A long wire came out of the bottom and disappeared underneath the door and into the room. I rang the bell and was greeted by a loud alarm noise.

“Enter,” commanded the voice on the other side.

I opened the door and was met with the weirdest bedroom for a seventeen year old that I had ever seen. The furniture was all about the same as a normal room: bed, desk, dresser, bookshelves, and armchair. What was odd though was the decorations. There was a cuckoo clock that was set to 8:40 and next to it was a pin up calendar with some old black and white photo of some woman on it. There were even more black and white photos around the room of people I didn’t recognize. There were some pulleys and strings running across the ceiling to various points in the room. I had no idea what any of it did either. His record collection was even worse. He was currently listening to some song about Kalamazoo, whatever the hell that was.

“I see we are late per usual,” he said as he continued to read some old book.

He had countless more sitting on his bookshelf. They looked old and boring. He continued to read without even looking up at me. He probably didn’t want to hear my excuses, so I just started with a question.

“Dude, your clock isn’t right,” I said. “It’s 4:25 not 8:40.”

“That is very astute of you, Pip. I am well aware the clock is set to twenty to nine,” he replied. He hadn’t even glanced up once.

“Why the hell are you calling me Pip?” I asked.

I was so confused.

“Have you ever heard of a man by the name of Dickens?” he asked.

“Didn’t he write a book or something?” I answered questioningly. I wasn’t too sure if I was right.

“He was the author of quite a few books,” he sighed as he set down his book. “Please don’t be late again. I have more important business that I can attend to if you do not plan on joining me for your tutoring.”

I nodded my head and continued to look around.

“What the hell are you listening to and what is Kalamazoo?” I asked.

“You are listening to Glenn Miller; one of the greatest trombonists of the jazz era. Kalamazoo is a college town in Michigan. You do know what a college is, don’t you?” he asked in a degrading manner.

“What kind of shitty question is that?” I asked. He was really pissing me off now.

“That was rude of me, I do apologize. May I remind you though that I would prefer if you refrain from your vulgar language?” he said as he stared me down.

I nodded my head again. I started looking at the calendar again. The lady in the picture wasn’t what most people would call sexy today but she was quite beautiful.

I looked to The Prude and asked, “Who’s the chick on your calendar?”

He seemed pleased and answered, “Why that is none other than the beautiful Grace Kelly. Isn’t she just beautiful?”

“Yah she is pretty, but she’s probably older than my grandma,” I answered as I laughed a little.

“She’s been dead for thirty years,” he said. “Now we really must make up for lost time. Did you bring your homework?”

“I sure did, but I have a proposal for you. How about I pay you to do my school work?” I asked as I jumped onto his neatly made bed.

“I certainly will not. I am appalled that you would even consider doing something so cheap. Don’t you have any moral fiber?” he asked angrily.

“How much do you get paid to tutor me?” I asked.

“I don’t believe it is any of your business but if you must know, I am making $10.00 an hour.” he replied as he continued to pace the room angrily.

“I’ll pay you triple for you to do my homework,” I returned.

He stopped pacing and turned to look at me.

“You do realize that is $90.00 a week?” he asked.

“Yah?” I asked in return.

“I will do it then, but you mustn’t tell anyone,” he said as he glared at me. “You have chemistry, correct?”

“Yah,” I answered.

“Good, I’ll start with you Chemistry homework,” he said as he reached for my bag.

THADDEUS

I had really turned up my snootiness factor for Chad today. To be fair though, he was almost half an hour late. My mother had always said ‘Better three hours too soon then one minute late.” Shakespeare really deserved the credit for that saying but my mother had claimed it as her own.

On the subject of doing Chad’s homework, I had no plan on doing any of it for him, but I had expected him to ask me. I had already devised a wonderful plan. I had talked to his Chemistry teacher the day before and found out they had actually had a lesson on different types of alcohol and their compounds just days earlier. I had also grabbed a second copy of all of Chad’s homework. I was lucky that Ivan, the school Chemistry teacher, was pretty mischievous as well. Chad was sure in for a real surprise.

I made it look as if I was working on his homework until about 5:20 while he lounged about in my room. He had started listening to his own music pretty quickly, so I had plenty of time to prepare myself. I did his work sheet on compounds and then I got his attention.

“Chad, at the very least, let me show you one of my favorite chemistry experiments.” I said with a small smile.

“Whatever, as long as my homework gets done.” he said as he slipped out one of his ear buds and sat up in my bed.

“One of the key elements of chemistry is compounds. I want to show you one of my favorite compounds, C₃H₈O or Isopropyl alcohol.” I said as I held up one of his assignments.

“Okay?” he said questioningly.

“You see when the paper is completely doused in Isopropyl alcohol it burns easily.” I said as I held a lighter to the only one of his homework assignments I had completed.

It caught almost immediately and then I dropped it into my metal trash can. The flames rose quickly and then slowly died down.

“What the hell—“ he started but I didn’t let me finish.

“Be patient,” I reprimanded. “When you create a one part pure Isopropyl and one part water mix, the paper doesn’t burn.”

I lit the rest entire stack of papers on fire this time. Chad jumped up and tried to put it out.

“Don’t worry Chad. Only the liquid will burn. It doesn’t matter though because as I’m sure you can see, these assignments are still blank.” I smiled.

The flames died down and the assignments were fine other than being a little soggy from the mixture.

Chad looked like he was ready to kill me. I was fully prepared for the end, but I continued to talk anyways.

“You see Chad, I am not your slave. I am like the Isopropyl alcohol, or rubbing alcohol as you probably call it. Without your help, you being the water in this parable, your education will burn away before you can even really start it.” I explained with a smile on my face.

He didn’t quite seem to get the full idea though because he was still raving mad. He looked as if he was ready to beat me to a pulp.

I had gotten too cocky by this point and I added, “If you punch me, everyone in this home will know. I didn’t have any bruises before you came and I am sure someone will notice if I have one after you leave.”

He smiled at that point and said, “You're right. That’s why I’m just going to have to hit you where they won’t see it”

The kick to my groin that followed was hard and in my mind, unwarranted. He was right though; no one was going to see that.

“Have fun showing that to your mom, Prude. Go to hell, asshole.” he said as he stormed out of my room.