The Dance [Mychyl Kime] - 12. Chapter 12

I didn't know what to say or do... riding in the car with Chris, speeding down the highway away from Jacob and David, but more importantly, away from the hurt and confusion I felt, was a good thing... I couldn't handle dealing with Jacob, not until I got my feelings on what had happened sorted out.

OK, so I didn't know for a fact he'd done anything, right? Well, not exactly the case... I mean, he'd been in the bathroom... and the only people that'd been in there were in the one stall, having sex. So, it seemed pretty obvious to me that he was having sex, having all but forgotten about me in his excitement. What should I think? I mean, c'mon, I love him enough to forgive him... just... not yet. It's a hard thing to
think about, forgiving someone who'd stepped on my heart and ground his heel... but from his reaction, it was as though he hadn't even realized he'd done anything wrong... like cheating on me was nothing more than a quiet, solitary thing, and he'd figured I shouldn't care that it had happened. Yeah, right, I'm just gonna ignore the fact it happened and go on with my life... I wish I could. I wish I could just forget what'd happened, go on with life as though I hadn't caught him cheating on me... but I couldn't. I couldn't lie to myself like that...

"Hey, what's wrong?" Chris finally asked, noticing the tears coursing down my cheeks, betraying my confused and hurt emotions.

"Well... I'm kinda seeing this one guy from back home... and I just caught him cheating on me..."

He pulled off to the side of the road and grabbed me in a fierce hug as I started breaking down, bawling my eyes out. "Ssh, it's OK," he said softly, trying to soothe me, but all that did was make me cry even harder, the images of Jacob in that stall racing through my mind. "I understand how much it hurts... but it'll be OK, I promise, in time..."

I turned to face him, tears blurring my vision. "How can it ever be OK?" I demanded, the pain and confusion turning into anger and frustration... and since Jacob wasn't there, it went after the only person who was... Chris. "I can't just go on with the relationship, knowing that he cheated on me... and he acted like he didn't do anything wrong, like there was no reason I should be pissed off... but he doesn't know how I feel... he doesn't understand how much it hurts, knowing that he cheated on me..."

Chris just held me, comforting me, while I poured out my heart... then, once the torrential outpour of emotion slowed, he let go of me and started the car back up.

"You know," he started slowly, "if you want, you can stay with me for a while, at least until things blow over... I've got my own house and everything..."

The offer tempted me, I must admit, and in more ways than one... like I said before, I used to have a thing for Chris, and with all the old feelings coming back, not to mention part of me was feeling rather vindictive, since Jacob thought it was OK to cheat on me... but more than that, I just needed time apart from Jacob, time to figure out what I was going to do... I didn't know if I could go on with him, knowing full well he had cheated on me, but at the same time, I still loved him, and couldn't bear the thought of breaking up with him, even given what he had done to me, whether he had realized it or not... God, it felt like I was trapped in a bad soap opera again, but I guess my entire life had been like that... far too much drama for my tastes, but it seemed that no matter what I said or did, there it was...

"Yeah, that sounds cool," I heard myself saying, still torn between the two choices I had, but my decision made. "I'll take you up on that offer..."

He smiled warmly at me when I glanced at him, then glanced away to notice how far we'd already made it... Ukiah was only a few miles further, as though I'd missed a lot of the trip... and still, my choice was no clearer, my heart's dilemma no easier, and the pain of having to decide what I would do about Jacob's actions was no less, either...

Finally, we pulled off the highway and into town, which seemed to be more or less asleep at the moment... which I was ready to believe, given how early in the morning it was... the only thing I liked about living in Ukiah is that the entire town seemed to go away after 10PM, letting night owls like me rule the town the rest of the night...

We drove down a few back streets, and I got fairly lost as to where we were going... which is strange for me, but there were a few streets I had never explored, so going down any of those was likely to get me lost until I found a street I knew...

Finally, we came to a stop in front of a small, well-kept house, and Chris got out, then walked around to my side and opened the door, something no one had ever done for me before.

"This is it," he announced proudly, "home sweet home... it's not much to look at, but it's big enough for me... and the occasional company... and it's clean."

I got out and stretched a little, then followed him to the front door. He unlocked and opened the door, then held it for me while I walked inside, taking in as much of it as I could, given the fact that the lights weren't on, which he fixed soon enough by hitting the light switch right next to me, bathing the entire inside in overly bright light. I squinted my eyes, trying to take in as much of the house as I could, given how bright it was.

"Well, whaddaya think?" he asked a bit self-consciously, gesturing with one hand at the living room. "Like I said, it's small, but clean... and bright, too, I guess," he chuckled, noticing how I was
squinting my eyes to see.

"Yeah, definately bright," I joked, still trying to take it all in as he closed the door behind himself. He then came around to in front of me and caught me in an embrace, catching me partly by surprise.

"You gonna go to school tomorrow?" he asked after a few awkward seconds.

"No," I replied, "I think I'll just ditch tomorrow... not like anyone important will miss me, anyways... and I've got some things to think about..."

He stopped me before I could go any further. "I understand... that's why I said you can stay here, remember? I understand what's going on... and you have some things to think about, and a decision
to make... and while I can't help you make that decision, I can give you a place away from 'him' so you can think about it..."

"I appreciate that," I said softly, my emotions carrying me off to sleep. "And you're right... I need to think about me and Jacob..."

"Jacob?" Chris interrupted, startling me. "Jacob Azure, you mean?"

Oh shit... here I go... I didn't mean to say his name... it just kinda... slipped out, or somthing. Now Chris knows who I've been seeing, and if I know Chris as well as I think I do...

"I'm gonna pound his face in, for hurting you," he promised, snapping me out of my reverie. Yep... I knew Chris, all right...

"No," I interrupted, "you don't have to do that... in fact, I don't think I really want that... I don't want to hurt him, even though he hurt me... I don't know what I want, but I know that isn't it, whatever it is..."

OK, I knew I had one chance to save Jacob from getting the shit kicked outta him... I mean, sure, he might've deserved it, but I still didn't want that to happen, especially not at someone else's hands... I mean, hell, if he's gonna have to suffer for what he did, it should be from me, just from knowing how much he hurt me... and if that doesn't hurt him, finding out how much he hurt me, then he's a lost cause from the beginning...

"OK, fine, whatever," he said, caught slightly offguard by my change of tone... but he still held me tight, obviously not wanting to let go of me, not for any reason... "You know what?" he then asked.

"No... what?" I responded, letting him hold me tight, my mind still racing.

"I've wanted to hold you like this for a long time... who'd have thought that I'd actually run into you, Kyle Carmody, in a gay club... not to mention I'd ever get the chance to hold you like this..."

Wow... this is getting interesting... so he usta have a crush on me, huh? Well, I wonder what would happen if he only knew...

"You know," I answered, my thoughts fueling my speech, "I usta have a huge crush on you... but I would've never said anything about it... you know why? You were always the gaybasher... one of the few people who could never know about me, about how I felt or who I liked... and all the time, you were gay, too... I still don't understand why, though..."

He seemed a bit embaressed about that. "Oh, well," he started, trying to piece together his words in light of the shock he just received, "I was always afraid of getting bullied for being gay... and everyone always picked on me because I was smaller, and weaker, and everyone thought I was gay... I knew that if I was gonna survive, I'd have to do something about it, so I started working out... and when that wasn't enough, I started, you know, saying shit to other guys, whether they were gay or not... you know, gaybashing... but soon, that wasn't enough either, so I had to start actually beating up on guys everyone thought were gay... sometimes they were, too, and I'd know it, so I'd wind up 'taking them for a ride'... everyone thought I'd take them up to Montgomery Woods or something, beat the crap outta them up there, but I'd bring them back here, let them know I wasn't actually gonna kick the crap outta them... then sometimes we'd... you know, do stuff... it was kinda weird, doing everything that way, but that's all I knew how to do... I couldn't get caught myself, 'cuz most of those guys really are straight, and wouldn't do like I did... so I was always like that, to keep myself safe..."

I was shocked. OK, I mean, everyone's heard of how gaybashers are, half the time, gay and 'in the closet'... but I'd never believed that... I always thought that it was all a bunch of bullshit... like, I mean, how could anyone purposely hurt other guys who are gay, when they're gay themselves? But now, I finally had an answer to that... to keep themselves alive and safe, they'd do anything... and sometimes, being 'in the closet' wasn't enough...

"Wow," I said, unable to think of anything else at the moment.

"Yeah," he agreed, a bit ashamed to have admitted all that. "I know, it's kinda weird, but that's the only way I could think of to keep from getting bashed myself... and usually, the guys who really were gay, I wouldn't hurt... it was always the ones who were straight, but who people were wrong about... the ones who really were gay I'd keep from getting hurt, any way that I could, but the others... I wasn't as worried about them, since they could eventually prove that they were straight somehow... I mean, I'm sure they could... but even them, I never hurt them too bad... always made sure to go easy on them... to pull my punchs, so to speak... but the others, the ones who really were gay, I never hurt..."

He fell silent as we both stood there, still holding each other tightly, just staring into each other's eyes while all around us, the town slept quietly, unaware that in that house, two boys slowly brought their lips together, cheating boyfriends and gaybashing and everything else forgotten as they kissed, their hidden, secretive love for each other finally released into each other's heart, both yearning to reveal to the other just how deep and true their love could run... and as for me, well, I was caught in the moment, and in that moment, Jacob was out of sight... and out of mind...

***

The next morning, I awoke with the sun shining directly into my eyes, and started to roll over, only to realize I had a pair of arms wrapped tightly around my waist... my naked waist...

~OK... where am I?~ was my first thought as I tried to place the bedroom... it obviously wasn't mine, since I no longer lived with my mother... and for that matter, since I never would've had a houseguest over, especially not one that I would've slept naked around...

My second thought was Jacob's, since I had moved in there, but the arms that were holding me were too thick to be Jacob's, and too smooth to be David's... so I knew that was out of the question, as well... then finally, I remembered the night before, and realized that it was Chris's arms wrapped around me, holding me close, just as we had the night before... and that wasn't the only thing we did the night before, I realized with a sinking sensation, just as Chris started to stir, his body rubbing against mine.

"Good morning, cutie," he half-yawned, his eyes only partly open. "How'd you sleep?"

Wow... we had done something, that was for sure, since he wasn't exactly dressed, either... and I could remember it clearly, or at least clearer than I wanted to... all of a sudden, I felt a sinking sensation in my stomach, realizing that I just broke Jacob's trust, the same as he had broken mine... how could I hope to save our relationship now?

"What time is it?" I managed, looking around the room in hopes that I could spot a clock, hoping that I wasn't too late to make it to school.

"Let's see," he started, squinting at his watch, trying to read it through half-blurry eyes. "Uhm... 7:30, I think..."

"Here, lemme look," I said quickly, grabbing his arm and pulling myself around him so I could read the watch... 7:30 exactly, according to his watch. "OK, I can still make it to school in time," I reported, jumping out of bed in search of my clothes.

"I thought you said you were ditching school!" he half-stated, half-asked, trying to catch me as I scurried about, grabbing my clothes and throwing them on as fast as I could manage, nearly tripping myself putting my Jncos on.

"No, I can't... I need to find him, try to talk to him..."

All of a sudden, he sat back down onto his bed, shock and pain chasing their way across his face. "So what... all of last night, that was all a game for you? Your feelings for me, was that all a joke? Did you mean any of that, or was I just a quick and easy way to get back at Jacob?"

"No, nothing like that... I really did used to have feelings for you, and I was feeling it all come back last night, at the club, and then again, when you brought me back here... but that doesn't change the fact that I'm with Jacob already, so I can't just act like me and him were never together, just because I finally found out you had feelings for me, or because we actually did something here... and the fact that I thought of him when I woke up means that what I have with him, I have to try and save, no matter what..."

He went from shocked to hurt... then to angry. "Fine," he shouted, getting back up off the bed, "if that's the way it is, then I guess you'd better get going... wouldn't want you to be late to get to your boyfriend, now would we?"

He started shoving me towards the door, obviously planning on kicking me out of his house... something I didn't necessarily want, since him kicking me out was symbolical of the fact he was ready to kick me out of his life. Right before the door, though, he stopped long enough to open it, then pushed me out onto his front steps, but just before he slammed the door in my face, he said one last thing:

"I hope you find Jacob before I do, because when I find him, you won't recognize him anymore..."

I pounded on the door, trying to get him to open it so we could talk, but he wouldn't answer... and now I knew things had gone too far... I ran to the school as fast as I can, first finding my way back to the streets I recognized, then from there all the way across town to the highschool... I made it just as the bell was ringing for first period to end, so I rushed over to my first period classroom, hoping to find David there, so I could find out where Jacob was... only to see Jacob standing outside the classroom, waiting for David... or me...

"Jacob!" I called, and he turned to face me, then walked towards me, obviously wanting our conversation to be private.

"Hey Kyle," he answered, as soon as he was close, "where'd you go? Why didn't you come home last night?"

I knew what I had to say... if I didn't, I would only make the situation worse. "When you were in the bathroom at the club last night, I walked in... I heard what was going on in there, and I know you were in on it..."

He looked down, obviously embaressed, but I pushed on. "I didn't know what to do last night... I was hurt that you would do something like that to me... I took off with Chris..."

He looked up quickly. "Whoa, hold on... Chris who?"

"You know... Chris Miller..."

"Oh... my... god... what was HE doing there?"

"Well," I answered, "I found out that he's gay, too, just still in the closet, so he's a gaybasher so that no one knows about him... but anyways, like I was saying, so he gave me a ride back to town, but on the way, I told him what happened, and he asked if I wanted to crash over at his house... and so I did... and... things happened..."

"What do you mean, 'things happened'," he asked, confused. "Did you have sex with him, or something?"

"Yeah... I did..." I started, my eyes starting to burn with more tears. "I'm sorry... I didn't want to do this to you, didn't want to hurt you like that... it just happened, like he was comforting me, and the next thing I knew, we were naked in bed..."

He seemed hurt, but also sympathetic. "It's OK... we both screwed up last night... and no one's hurt..."

At that, the tears broke out. "That's what I need to tell you," I sobbed, my voice starting to rise. "He knows who you are, and this morning, I said I needed to find you... not saying your name or anything, but he already knew... and he said that I'd better find you first, 'cuz I wouldn't recognize you when he gets done with you..."

He stopped, shocked. "Oh shit," he said, "what are we gonna do?" He started pacing back and forth, clearly trying to think of a way out of this, but like David'd said before, even he couldn't protect either of us all the time... and right about now, he's the only one who could protect either Jacob or me...