A Metabolic Malady (parody lyric) - 1. A Metabolic Malady

In such works as L. Illis's paper "On Porphyria and the Etiology of Werewolves" (Proceedings of the Royal Society of Medicine, January 1964) and biochemist David Dolphin's 1985 paper for the American Association for the Advancement of Science, "Porphyria, Vampires, and Werewolves: The Etiology of European Metamorphosis Legends", speculation was raised that cases of porphyria, a complex metabolic disease which can manifest in a number of different forms, may have fueled folklore about werewolves and vampires. The claim has been disputed, and even attacked as stigmatizing the disease. I can't speak to the merits of the speculation. I just like to write silly parody lyrics.

If you don't know the song "Perfidia," give it a listen when you read this. (I really wanted to fit the word "bacteria" into the last stanza for the rhyme, but couldn't resist the mellifluousness of "metabolic malady.")

They say

The symptoms of porphyria,

The hyper-photosensitive skin,

And hair where it's burned by light,

Gave rise,

From Britain to Siberia,

To stories of unfortunate men

Who turn into wolves by night.

Other cases may have led

To tales of Nosferatu craving blood,

For the symptoms widely vary

From cadaverous to hairy

Canine stud.

It's just

A metabolic malady,

And now we know that those in its thrall

Are not monsters after all.