When the Cat's Away - 1. Story

While The Cat's Away

By Sabat

 

I think I may be a little bit drunk, or rather I think I may be a little bit too drunk which would explain why I have my hand halfway up a strange mans thigh. I'm not using the drunkeness as an excuse for inappropriate behaviour, I'm using it as reasoning for the fact that I have no idea how my hand came to be there and what's more I can't decide if it was intentional or accidental. I am aware of the fact that I need to use the bathroom and that I am sat at a table with one, two, lets just say quite a few people around me who I do not recognise and I could have sworn I was stood at the bar a moment ago. Maybe I put my hand there as I tried to stand up and it's all perfectly innocent, or at least it was when I first did it, now it's been there so long it's become a grope. Damn did I just squeeze the thigh or did it tense? Get me out of here.

Placing both hands on the edge of the table I eased myself up and tried to slide along to the gap which separated this table from the next, luckily there was nobody sat to my immediate right so I wasn't faced with the prospect of asking anyone to move, I wondered if maybe I could escape unnoticed. This thought encouraged the part of me that was clinging to sobriety to attempt to fashion something approaching a clear mind in order to make my departure graceful yet speedy, sadly where my mind was leading my body refused to follow. I was so focused on not stumbling as I inched my way to freedom that I paid no attention to my hands until I felt the cold smoothness of glass against my fingers, I knew as soon as I hit it that the bottle was going to topple, I also knew that any attempt to stop it from falling would be clumsy, doomed to failure and likely to end with the entire contents of the table upended and me collapsed back in the seat, of course that didn't stop me from going ahead and trying.

The bottle didn't fall, no thanks to me. Sure enough I staggered as my body struggled to switch from the sluggish state the alcohol had left it in to the swift reflexes needed to recover from an incident like this, my fingers pushed against the glass forcing it away rather than steadying it but as I braced myself for the crash a hand gripped the neck of the bottle and righted it. It was the guy I'd been touching moments ago, he smiled as with his free hand he reached across and pressed against the small of my back, steadying me.

"You okay?" He asked, leaning over to me so he could be heard over the noise in the bar.

"Just going to the bathroom." I replied as I maneuvered myself around the corner of the table, as I moved the hand which pressed against my back brushed down against the waistband of my jeans, the fingers reaching lower.

"I'll keep an eye on your drink." He said with a smile as I tried to compose myself for the walk to the toilets which I hoped I remembered the way to. "Oh and if you see Dan tell him I've got his phone."

So he knew Dan, that would explain how I came to be sat next to him. Now if I could just find Dan and kill him for leaving me on my own. I began to make my way to the back of the room, sidestepping through the crowd of people waiting to be served. The place was busy and quickly scanning left and right was not yielding any results in locating anyone but as I could only really focus on a small radius directly in front of me without feeling my balance going I wasn't really suprised. Still, finding Dan could wait a little longer, I had more pressing concerns, if I could just get to the toilets and take a moment to pull myself together. Just then someone stepped in front of me, his hands gripping several bottles of beer, I pulled back in an effort to avoid colliding with him and overdid my recoil, bumping into someone behind, apologising I continued to make my way through the room finally reaching the door to the men's room, no sign of Dan in here either. I made my way into a stall and closed the door behind me, typical, no lock. Luckily the door stuck a little when closed so it wasn't about to swing open on me, placing one hand on the back wall and another on the side of the cubicle I shut my eyes and took a deep breath, holding it as I counted, one two three four five. I blushed deeply as an image flashed in my mind of me leaning into the guy who's leg I had grabbed, laughing and resting my head on his shoulder. Please tell me I did not do that.

My reliving of embarrassing moments was thankfully interrupted by the vibration of the phone in my pocket. I struggled to get the phone out but these jeans were too tight and so my fingers clutched at the tip of the phone but I couldn't get a grip, by the time I'd finally managed to fish it out the caller had rung off. I took a look at the screen wondering if it had been Dan calling to find out where I was, it hadn't. Instead the call had been from Alan, my boyfriend. What was he phoning for? I was pondering this when the phone vibrated again almost making me drop it in suprise, it shook once signaling I had a message. I couldn't listen to it in here, or rather I didn't want to risk listening to it in here having once had a very bad experience with a mobile phone near an open toilet and I'd been sober then. Putting the phone carefully back in my pocket I decided I'd head outside to listen to the message and call Alan back if necessary, but first I needed to do what I actually came here to do. I unzipped and was fiddling with the waistband of my underwear when a knock at the cubicle door interrupted me.

"Patrick are you in there?" A voice whispered, it was Dan. I zipped back up. "Patrick?"

"Yeah." I replied.

"Everything okay?"

"I'll be out in a minute." I said as I rubbed my eyes and shook my head in an effort to pull myself together. Big mistake, all it achieved was to make me lose my balance so I resumed my position hands pressed against the cubicle walls, eyes closed.

"You're not entertaining are you?" Dan asked, his whisper getting lower.

"What?" I asked as behind me I heard the door open.

"You might have had company." Dan said as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him. I turned and glared at him. "Oh don't give me that look." He chuckled. "Ben said you'd been in here for ages, he was worried. I think he was convinced you'd ran off."

"Ben, the guy I was sat next to?" I asked.

"Next to? You must have moved, you were on him at one point." Dan nudged me and laughed. "I'm joking. He was worried though, he really likes you. He's been asking me all kinds of questions. God look at me it's like being back at high school passing notes in class and playing matchmaker, I feel like Cupid." His smile dropped and his face took on a look of concern. "Seriously are you okay?" He asked as he reached out and brushed my hair back from my brow.

"I'm fine, I just wanted a minute."

"To get you shit together." Dan said.

"To compose myself. Do I look alright?" I asked as I looked directly at Dan, as usual it appeared he had just stepped straight from a catwalk.

"You look fine." He replied as he fiddled with the collar of my shirt. "I don't know how you can be this drunk. I've had more than you and I feel fine."

"Yeah but you're 80% proof at the best of times." I joked. "I'm just not used to drinking." I tried to think of the last time I'd had more than a couple of glasses of wine but my mind came up blank.

"Come on." Dan said as he placed his hand on my shoulder. "I'll get you an orange juice and Ben can do his Florence Nightengale." I sighed, unsure how to tell Dan that I thought it was a bad idea. "It'll be a laugh, Ben's a really nice guy."

"I know but..." I said, unable to think of an argument for leaving. "Well promise me you won't leave me on my own this time."

"Promise." Dan made the sign of a cross over his chest as he spoke. "But do not get talking about sports again or I won't be held responsible if I vanish, you know I hate football."

"Ben plays it." I said as another flashback from earlier in the evening popped into my head.

"Probably." Dan answered. "He used to play allsorts."

"Keeps him fit, better than a gym, leg muscles." I blushed again as I recalled fragments of a conversation that I was now pretty sure had led to me grasping his thigh.

"Boy you really are drunk, here." Dan held out his hand to me as he opened the toilet door. I motioned for him to go.

"I'll be out in a minute."

Dan reluctantly left with a vow to return if I wasn't out in exactly 60 seconds. Turning back to the toilet I used it, flushed and paused for a moment before heading to the sinks to wash my hands, rubbing them together under the running water I stared into the mirror in front of me trying to judge if I looked as drunk as I felt. Drying my hands I headed out to find Dan, he was stood by the door to the bathroom waiting for me.

"You didn't have to wait." I said to him, secretly relieved that he had. We made our way back through the room, stopping a couple of times as Dan was greeted by people I didn't recognise, at one point he leaned over the bar and caught the attention of one of the barmen, whispering something I couldn't hear into his ear and kissing him on the cheek.

"That's the drinks sorted." He said as he turned back to me. "Now lets see if Ben is still pining for you." We continued forward before I could say anything, Dan clearing a way through the crowds and me stumbling along behind him until finally we reached the table where Ben was sat, he was on his own now and he smiled as we sat down, Dan thankfully taking a seat next to him leaving me to sit at the side of the table, well out of range if I got the urge to grab anyone's leg.

"Almost forgot, drinks should be ready." Dan said as he stood back up and edged around me. "You two play nice while I'm gone."

I turned and watched him head back over to the bar.

"So where were we?" Ben asked as I turned back to face him, he had moved along into Dan's seat.

"I have no idea." I replied truthfully, glancing back at Dan who was now laughing at something the barman was saying. I tried to focus on Ben and what he was saying, maybe sheer force of will could defeat the effects of alcohol.

"Dan tells me you work together."

"Kind of." I replied. "Same company different departments."

"Different hours?" He asked.

"Not really."

"Oh, I thought maybe that's why I hadn't seen you out with him before."

"No I just don't come here often." I said.

"You should. It's nice to see new faces in the place."

We seemed to have been staring at each other for some time and although I wanted to look away I found myself unable to, I challenged myself to hold the stare and not be the one to look away. It was like the game I'd play when I was younger to see who would blink first, I always won. I felt like punching the air when Ben finally broke the gaze to check what Dan was doing, I looked across as well, he was still chatting to the barman.

"Have you known him long?" Ben asked.

"Who?"

"Dan."

"A couple of years give or take." I said. "You?"

"Oh forever. I went to school with him." Ben replied.

"What was he like back then?" I asked.

"Just the same. No worse actually. He didn't take any prisoners that's for sure. He even used to chat up the teachers."

"Really?" I said although I wasn't sure if I was that suprised.

"Yup. He was my idol, I learned everything I know from that guy." Ben said as he grinned.

"I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing." I said.

"I'll have to show you later." He said, still grinning. I couldn't be sure but I thought he had just winked at me. "Well nature calls." He said as he stood up. "If I'm not back in a minute come find me okay?"

"Erm sure." I replied.

Once he had gone I took the chance to take my phone out. I should have really gone outside where I might have been better able to actually hear the message Alan had left for me but I didn't want to just disappear without telling Dan so with my hand covering one ear I listened to the message with the other. "Just calling to see how it's going. Guess you're having too much fun to answer. Give me a call before you head back." It took me three repeats of the message to get it all and while there was nothing major contained in it I couldn't shake the feeling that the tone in Alan's voice indicated he wasn't happy. I tried to tell myself that I was imagining it, it was an innocent phone call and I was acting like Alan was here watching me, that thought made we feel like I was doing something wrong by being here. It wasn't like I had done anything bad, or was I just trying to convince myself of that.

Dan returned to the table and nodded at me.

"Anything important?" He asked as he looked at the phone in my hand.

"Just Alan." I said. "I'll give him a call back in a minute."

"Where's Ben?" He asked. "You've not scared him off have you?"

"He went to the toilets. Where's the drinks?" I asked as I noticed Dan's hands were empty.

"Ooops. I knew there was something I went to the bar for."

"I'm supposed to be the one who's drunk." I said and burst out laughing.

"It's that damn barman he keeps distracting me. I'll be right back."

"I'll step out to make a call then." I said to Dan as he set off back to the bar.

The night air hit me as I stepped outside, it was like another world, it had been a mild autumn afternoon when Dan and I had set out and now somehow I'd lost a few hours and here I was in the cold dark night. This must be how people who claim to be abducted by aliens feel, one minute you're skipping innocently through life, the next you're stood alone and shivering having been interfered with by a stranger and left with no memory of how it happened. I still felt slightly off balance but other than that the effects of the alcohol seemed to have faded a little.

Taking my phone out of my pocket I nervously hit the call button before quickly pressing it again to hang up, I did this a couple more times as I tried to work up the nerve to actually go through with it and speak to Alan who by now must be pretty annoyed at my ignoring his calls. I was about to press redial again when the phone shook in my hand, I almost dropped it in suprise, looking at the screen confirmed what I thought, it was Alan calling, I bit my lower lip as I answered it.

"Hello." I said as my mind ticked over the excuses I could use for not ringing him. "I was just about to call you." It might have been the truth but it sounded lame even to me.

"Where are you?" The voice on the other end of the line asked, the reception was poor so I couldn't tell if he sounded mad. Maybe I could use the no reception lie as my reason for not calling.

"Outside." I replied, feeling like a kid who's been caught doing something they shouldn't

"Outside where?"

"A bar."

I looked down at my feet and kicked lightly at the wall. This is ridiculous Patrick you're acting like you sneaked out of the house, he knew you were going out with Dan if he had a problem with it he should have said so at the time.

"Are you having a good time?" Alan asked.

"It's alright." I answered stepping away from the wall and walking towards the corner of the building as a group of men headed into the bar, noise blasting out for the few seconds the door was open and a wolf whistle greeting their entrance.

"It sounds it." Alan said laughing. The relief I felt at that moment of hearing him laugh was immense.

"I'm sorry I didn't answer before."

"No worries. I was just seeing how it was going." He said. "2 seconds." The line went quiet and I heard the sound of a door closing. "Sorry about that. So what time do you think you'll get back?"

"I don't know." I replied wondering if this was the moment the night would draw to a close. "I was going to head back with Dan but I don't know what he's doing yet."

"There's no rush, I was just curious. Take your time, enjoy yourself, just give me a call before you set off."

"You don't have to wait up."

"I know but still, give me a call when you're on your way, promise?"

"Sure." I replied

"Great, now go have fun, have a drink for me."

"I think I've had enough already."

"I thought you sounded drunk." Alan said laughing again.

"Really?" I asked. "Is it obvious?"

"Nah, I'm joking. Now go on, find Dan and try to keep him out of trouble. I'll speak to you later."

We said our goodbyes and I turned back to the bar in time to see Dan exit and head over to me.

"I need to fit you with a tracking device." Dan said as he approached me. "So what did he want?"

"Just checking I was having fun."

"Are you?" Dan asked, leaning against the wall and folding his arms.

"Yeah, can't you tell." I asked feeling like I was suddenly under observation.

"I long ago gave up trying to guess what you were thinking." Dan said opening his mouth as if to say something more and then thinking better of it.

"Really?" I asked.

"Nah I still guess, I just don't expect you to admit if I'm right. Ben thinks you hate him by the way."

"What, why?" I asked trying not to sound shocked.

"I don't know, maybe because every time he flirts with you you flee the room."

"He wasn't flirting with me." I said defensively. I looked away from Dan not wanting to see the expression on his face.

"Are you new? Or do you think I am if you expect me to believe you didn't know what was going on in there."

"We were just talking."

"You know what happens to guys who just talk."

"They have conversations?" I replied.

"They get reputations as teases." Dan moved away from the wall and stepped in front of me.

"I wasn't flirting with him." I said trying to avoid Dan's gaze.

"I know. You were just being friendly." Dan said sarcastically. I turned and glared at him. "Look you get some benefit of the doubt because I know that you're not used to this but even you cannot be so naive that you think you're living in a Jane Austin world."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked even though I didn't really want an answer to the question.

"You were a bonnet, a fluttering fan and a swoon away from being the virgin taken roughly in the stables and Ben would have got the blame for reading you wrong. Open your eyes Patrick we're not in a debating society here the chatting tends to lead to something more."

"So I can't be friendly to anyone in case they get the wrong idea?" I asked as I tried and most likely failed to not sound petulant. "Last I heard talking wasn't a crime."

"So why do you look so guilty?" Dan asked as I stared at the ground. "Do you like him?"

"He seems alright." I said after a moments pause where I tried to think of a neutral way to describe how I felt about him.

"Of course he's alright, I wouldn't have introduced you to him otherwise. But do you like him?" Dan asked again.

"That's a redundant question. I'm with Alan." I replied sounding angrier than I intended to. "and I don't appreciate you trying to cause problems there."

Silence reigned for what felt like an eternity after that little outburst. I tried to think of what to say to smooth things over and came up blank. In the absence of anything to say I walked to the side of the road and sat down on the curb folding my arms and hugging them to my chest trying to keep out the cold. A shadow passed over me, I turned slightly to see Dan take a seat next to me, he leaned over slightly and nudged me with his elbow.

"What do you thinks been going on tonight, honestly?" Dan asked. "Come on we're friends, just tell me the truth."

"I think you're hoping I'll meet someone and I'll forget all about Alan. You've never liked him." I said, blurting out the words before I could think better of what I was saying.

"I barely know the guy."

"But you don't like me being with him, admit it."

"When have I ever said that you shouldn't be with him? Just because I'm not one for relationships doesn't mean I'm out to sabotage everyone else's."

"Oh come on, you asked me to be honest, the least you can do is return the favor." I was on a roll now saying things I'd long thought but never had the nerve to come out with. "You'd love it if I split up with him, admitted you were right all along and relationships never work, spent my nights with you trawling bars looking for the next hook up."

"So that's what you think my life is like?" He asked looking up at the sky and exhaling deeply.

"Yes, no, I don't know." My nerve was failing now, I hadn't meant my words to sound quite so mean. "Why didn't you stop me if you knew I was flirting with him?" I asked.

"The bigger question is why did you flirt with him? Did you even mention Alan?"

"No, I don't know, I don't remember. I don't think so." I admitted, drawing my arms around my knees and lowering my head.

"Do you remember Gabriel?" Dan asked.

"Your ex." I replied. I had never met the guy but his name floated through conversations with Dan to the extent that he had taken on a kind of mythical status, an urban legend almost. The one guy to tame Dan for any period of time.

"My only ex. You never wonder why that is?"

"You're just not the relationship type." I answered. In truth everything I'd heard from Dan about Gabriel made it sound like things had been so stormy between them that the whole thing was one long battle which Dan didn't ever want to repeat with anyone.

"I was with Gabriel almost 3 years. We met at this coffee shop I used to go to on my way back from work. He'd just started there, just moved out of his parents place, just admitted to them that he wasn't about to meet a nice girl and settle down, he was this sweet innocent guy and I admit I was a slightly jaded, slightly older, slightly more experienced man. He liked the fact that I'd done it all and could tell him about it and I loved the fact that he reminded me of a time when everything felt new.

Dan sighed and stood up. He balanced on the edge of the curb with his back to me, swaying slightly as he tried to maintain his position without stepping forward onto the road. I didn't know whether to say anything or keep quiet.

"The official story which you will repeat to anyone who asks upon pain of death is that he was so bad in bed I had to get rid of him."

"and the truth?" I asked.

"He dumped me. Said he wanted to pursue other options, spouted all the usual rubbish you hear everywhere. I'm pretty sure at one point he even said he needed space to grow as a person, now I ask you can you really see me with someone who would come out with something like that. I should have known the whole thing was a disaster waiting to happen but I was in love and I thought that would be enough but it never is."

"It can be." I said trying to hide the shock I felt from registering in my voice. I couldn't ever recall Dan using the word love without sarcasm in his voice.

"Not when you're coming from such different places. You can't build a future with someone who doesn't have a past, there will always come a point where they start to resent the fact that they haven't had the experiences you've had." Dan said and then sighed. "Look, you can argue all you want that they should count themselves lucky they found someone at the first attempt and they're not missing out on anything and every time without fail they will come back with, you would say that you've already done it all." Dan stepped down from the curb and onto the road and sat back down next to me. "You become the bad guy for having lived. It was like I cheated on him by having exes."

"It's not like that with Alan and me." I said defensively.

"Not yet."

"I don't mind if he's more experienced than me, I wouldn't hold it against him."

"There wasn't a moment with Ben where you thought what if? What if you didn't have a boyfriend, what if one of the guys here tonight is actually Mr Right and I've just been making do." He asked.

"No." I lied, I wasn't too sure what had gone through my mind when I'd talked with Ben but whatever I'd actually thought it would never have led anywhere so surely it wasn't that bad if I denied ever having any thoughts of what it would be like to go home with him. "Look even if there was some tiny chance that I would think hey that guy tonight was nice that's all it would be, a thought, and it would have nothing to do with how many men I'd been with compared to Alan. I don't think I settled for him, I think I got lucky finding him and if he was my first or my 100th I'd still feel the same."

"I just don't want you to turn round one day and feel like you've missed out on life and end up blaming someone else for the time you've lost.

"You say Gabriel thought he was missing out on something. What if he now goes from guy to guy and each time he thinks this isn't as good as it was with Dan." I said.

"Which of course it won't be." Dan said laughing, he nudged me with his shoulder and stood up. "I need another drink, soul searching gives me a thirst. Shall we?" He offered me his hand to help me as I stood up. "I promise from now on I will no longer try to fix you up."

"Maybe we should think about setting you up with someone." I said. I'd always thought that Dan should try settling down and hearing the reasons behind his split from Gabriel felt like some kind of breakthrough.

"Maybe I'll club you to death if you try." He replied.

"Come on, what are the odds you'll get two guys in a row who are that bad in bed?" I joked. I could work on him another time, small steps.

The bar was busier than ever when we stepped back inside, packed to standing room only. Dan steered me to a corner of the room behind a group of guys who seemed to be having their own personal karaoke competition, singing along loudly to the song that blasted out of the rooms sound system. Telling me to wait there he headed off to get our drinks from where he had left them at the bar. I looked across to where we had been sat earlier but could see no sign of Ben, I felt a weird mix of disappointment and relief at this. It saved me from having to worry about what I would say to him but on the other hand there was this pang of regret that a moment had passed and an opportunity was gone. I felt ashamed for admitting this, Dan was right, I had liked the attention. I hadn't been lying when I'd said I had no intention of taking things further but right now I couldn't say if that was because I had Alan waiting for me at home or because I just lacked the nerve and that thought scared me. Poor Ben, I really was just a tease.

I began to think about what Dan had said to me outside. It was true, I hadn't had as much experience of dating as Alan had and it hadn't bothered me, correction it didn't bother me, did it? Okay I may have flirted with Ben but it hadn't been completely intentional, I never thought it would lead anywhere. Still the thought lingered in my mind, had I known it wouldn't lead anywhere because I was with Alan or because I hadn't liked Ben in that way. What would have happened if I'd found Ben attractive? I took a step backwards and bumped into something or rather someone.

"Sorry." I apologised as I began to turn to see who I had collided with.

"Busier than usual isn't it?" The voice belonged to a tall, well built guy with ash blond hair and a really nice smile which he was currently directing at me. I felt slightly breathless for a moment, he was very good looking, not what I would have called my type but the kind of guy you could appreciate the beauty of, a cross between Tintin and a Californian surfer.

"I guess. I'm not here often." I replied stumbling slightly on my words.

"Me neither, bit too much of a cattle market really. Chris by the way." He held out his hand and I took it, the shake seeming to turn my hand to jelly. How could his biceps bulge like that just from shaking a hand?

"Patrick." I replied. We were both silent for a moment, I didn't know if that was the conversation over or if I was supposed to say anything else. I wanted to turn back and look for Dan but I knew that I would have died a little inside if the positions were switched and someone did that to me.

"Well I guess we've already answered the do you come here often question." He said breaking the silence.

"I'm just here with a friend."

"Me too. At least I was, no idea where they are now, they drag me out and then ditch me as soon as they meet a guy." He said as he raised his arm and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Well Dan's just gone to the bar. If he leaves me on my own again I will have to kill him." I glanced quickly around to see where Dan actually was and located him stood chatting with someone near the bar, I wasn't about to be rescued anytime soon.

"I hate being in places like this on my own, I feel like such a loser. Everyone else is having a great time and I'm stuck trying to blend in with the wall."

"Tell me about it." I said. "I like your shirt." I added, unable to think of anything else to add to the conversation. I kicked myself at the lameness of my small talk.

"Thanks, I made it myself. Well not really, my dad has a clothes shop in town, he gets someone to make up my designs every now and then." He laughed. "I think that makes me possibly the gayest man in here."

"I used to have a friend make me stuff. I studied design at college, I knew a few people on the fashion course."

"You don't do it now?" He asked.

"No. I got into advertising, I don't have much time for fun stuff anymore."

"You should always make time for the fun stuff. I wanted to get into design at one point but it felt too much like getting into the family business."

"So what do you do now?" I asked.

"I'm a veterinarian." He replied.

"Just a slight difference to clothes design." I said smiling.

"I know but unless I was going to make a living designing hats for dogs I had to make a choice and I went for animals."

"I always wanted to be a vet when I was a kid until I realised what was involved." I said remembering how my parents had always refused to get me any pet other than a goldfish, I'd seen becoming a vet as a short cut to a doctors uniform and all the animals I could wish for.

"Yeah I got into it for the playing with puppies angle." He smiled at me again, a really sweet smile that seemed to light up his face, I couldn't help but smile back.

"One of the perks of the job. It is the reason I would have wanted to get into the profession. That and horses, I've always loved horses." I said.

"Well we don't get many of those in the surgery although I did treat a donkey last Christmas. Local school was going all out for its Nativity play, live animals the works. Poor Fernando got a little bit excited and bit the head off the plastic baby Jesus and got it stuck in his throat."

"Was he okay?"

"Yeah they're pretty hardy animals."

 

"How do you handle the you know, putting them to sleep part. I doubt I could do it." The words were out of my mouth before I realised just how morbid a topic of conversation this was.

"You just have to remember that these animals depend on us and it's our responsibility to make sure they're not suffering. At least that's the principle, I still cry like a baby sometimes, I just try to do it in private."

"Awwww." I said as I pictured how sad he must look when upset.

"There's my macho image shot to pieces. I promise I do not do it all the time."

"It's when you stop being affected by it that you should worry." I said. "You know all this talk about pets is making me want one."

"Well there's plenty of cats and dogs that need rehoming."

"With the hours I'm working at the minute it wouldn't be fair." I said although the truth was that Alan didn't really like animals and couldn't see past the mess they made and the demands they placed on your time.

"Sensible decision." He said. For a moment he seemed distracted by something behind me, he raised a hand and waved at someone. "Damn it, looks like my friend actually wants to be seen with me now. God he has lousy timing." He stepped forward and placed one hand on my shoulder as the other held me by the elbow, he leaned in towards me and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. I froze not knowing how to react but instead of bringing his lips to mine he tilted his head and whispered in my ear. "Maybe we can catch up later, it was nice talking to you Patrick."

His breath against my ear sent a shiver down my spine and I felt myself flush, something I put down to the embarrassment I felt at thinking he'd planned on kissing me. I watched him as he walked away and couldn't help but smile, he had been nice, very nice. To be honest I felt a little giddy, I guess the alcohol was still having an effect on me. I was so preoccupied with thoughts of the conversation I'd just had that I didn't notice Dan until he was stood beside me, the look on his face one of pure shock.

"Oh my God, you bastard, I hate you." Dan said as he stepped up to me and handed me my drink, his focus swapping between me and the departing blonde.

"What." I asked as I wondered what was wrong.

"Do you have any idea who that was?" He asked, his focus now fully on the figure who was disappearing into the crowd.

"Karl, Kevin, something like that, he did say."

"Chris, Christopher Clarke. Oh my God." Dan said shaking his head.

"You know him?" I asked.

"I know of him."

"Is that bad?" I wasn't sure where this conversation was headed, I mean the guy had seemed normal enough and here was Dan having a fit over him, I was missing something. "Is there something wrong with him?" I asked.

"Oh God no." Dan replied

"Do you like him, is that it?"

"Like him? Oh I'd like him alright. I'd like him til there was only a husk of me left, hell I'd like him til my dick dropped off." Dan said excitedly. I couldn't recall the last time I'd seen him this worked up over a man.

"What a romantic picture." I said trying not to laugh.

"Who wants romance when Chris Clarke is involved. He is the one, ask anybody in here." Dan reached over and grabbed the elbow of one of the guys in front of us, they turned round to see what was going on. "Two words, Chris Clarke." Dan said to him.

"I want his babies." The guy replied. Dan let go of his elbow and he turned back to his friends while Dan looked at me, a smile on his face.

"You are the only person in here who does not know the legend of Chris Clarke. His flat has wheelchair access."

"Okay." I said wondering how that fact was relevant.

"Because after he's slept with you and you finally wake up from the 3 day sensory overload induced coma he's put you into you will not be able to walk." I laughed as Dan continued. "I'm serious, he is so good you forget basic motor functions. People say that sex with him is like a religious experience."

"You don't have first hand knowledge then?" I asked.

"No, he hardly ever comes out to pick guys up, which is a crime given the queue of men waiting for a go. He is like a gay mans lottery win and you had the winning ticket."

"We were only talking." I said knowing that this was all we had been doing but also kind of liking the fact that Dan thought there was more to it. I was so used to him being the centre of attention this made for a nice change.

"Oh please, he winked at you which equates to waving his penis at you in gay man language." Dan was up on his toes now trying desperately to catch a glimpse of this Chris guy. "Damn service in this place, if they'd been quicker pouring the drinks I could have been back in time for an introduction."

I took a sip from my glass and tried not to cough. I'd asked for juice but this seemed to be pure alcohol with a splash of something for color. Dan noticed the look on my face.

"It may have a tiny amount of vodka in it. As my momma used to say the best way to avoid a hangover is to keep on drinking." He explained.

"I've just made it back to halfway drunk, I do not want to go catatonic again." I said as I took another sip of my drink. Once you got past the burning hit of alcohol it was actually quite nice, I even managed to avoid grimacing this time.

As we drank Dan took to pointing out various men in the bar that he knew and asking for my opinion on their looks. I laughed his comments off finding it all embarrassing, even drunk I wasn't about to start holding up scorecards. He then moved on to guys from our workplace and began to fill me in on the latest gossip, I think at this point the alcohol must have begun to renew its effect on me because I found myself egging him on to reveal ever more details. I couldn't stop laughing as he told me the proposition one of our regional managers had made when left alone with Dan after a conference, Dan didn't find it quite as funny when I asked him if he had said yes.

"The guy is about 70 for a start." Dan protested as I continued to laugh.

"Age is nothing but a number." I gasped as I tried to control the choking sobs of laughter I was making.

"Well his is far too big, I'm not that much of a size queen." Dan said as he gave up trying to act affronted and joined in on the joke.

"I'm sorry." I said as I clamped my hand over my mouth to muffle my giggles. I took several deep breaths to try and compose myself. "Just picturing the two of you together. You'd break him."

"What a way for his hip to go though." Dan said. "Honest to God I didn't know what to say."

"Could you see the lust in his one good eye?" I asked.

"If you're not careful I'll tell him you're interested." Dan replied.

"Luckily he hates me." I said. "Remember he was the one who tried to block my promotion."

"Of course. Oh I should have told him that's why I couldn't have anything to do with him. God he was a bastard over that."

"Tell me about it. Alan was going to hit him."

"Really? You never told me that." Dan said looking shocked.

"He wouldn't have done it, he was just trying to make me feel better. It worked."

"Can you imagine? Alan's three times his size, he could have just crumpled him up and tossed him in the waste basket. I've always liked your Alan."

I laughed and shook my head at this sudden contradiction. Dan had never been the biggest fan of my boyfriend.

"I should have someone on hand to defend my honor." Dan announced.

"I think you'd need an armed militia." I said, holding my hands up to my face and leaning away from any incoming attack from Dan who just laughed.

"Have you had a good night?" Dan asked. His words didn't register with me, I was lost in a daydream. "Hey." He said his voice rising, he snapped his fingers in front of my eyes. "Earth to Patrick."

"Hmmm?" I murmured as I tried to recall what I had been thinking about. I looked at my glass and was suprised to discover that it was empty, when did I drink that? "Got it." I said a little louder than intended. I had been trying to recall the name of my neighbours cat back when I lived with my parents. Claudia they'd called her although why that had suddenly been of importance to me I did not know.

"Another one?" I asked, raising my glass to Dan.

"For the road." He replied "If we keep this up I'll be carrying you home."

I reached for his glass and missed as he pulled his hand back.

"Let me go. The barman still needs to give me his number." Dan said as he took my glass and turned and headed to the bar.

I glanced around, I hadn't noticed it happening but the place had definitely quietened down, there was now even an empty table not far from where I was stood. I headed over to it and took up a position where I could catch Dan's attention when he returned. I sighed as I tilted my head back, looking up at the ceiling, I felt like closing my eyes just for a moment.

"Got it." Dan announced as he placed a drink in front of me. "Don't worry it's just juice this time." His return snapped me back to reality.

"Got what?" I asked.

"His phone number." He said as he waved a napkin with numbers inked onto it in front of my face.

"Hello again." A voice said from my left side, just out of vision. I turned to see Chris stood by the table, my mouth opened but I struggled to get any words out.

"Hey, this is..." I stammered as my focus switched from Chris to Dan.

"Daniel, Dan, call me Dan." Dan announced, interrupting me as he extended a hand to Chris who shook it and smiled.

"Hi Dan I'm Chris." He replied.

"Clarke, I know." Dan smiled and released his grip on Chris' hand.

"Oh have we already met?" Chris asked with a quizzical look on his face.

"No I heard about you from a mutual friend."

"Oh right, nothing bad I hope."

"No no, all good all very good." Dan replied. I wasn't sure if I was imagining it but Dan seemed to have straightened up and pushed his shoulders back making his chest look broader than ever. I felt a pang of something that I didn't want to recognise as jealousy.

"Right, great." Chris said .

"Can I get you a drink?" Dan asked.

"No I'm fine thanks." He replied as he looked down at me still smiling.

"Go on just a little one." Dan urged.

"No really, I'm okay."

"Have a sip of mine then." Dan said as he held out his glass to Chris. "I don't know what's in it but it's very nice and the color matches your eyes, which by the way are amazing." I didn't know whether to laugh or gasp at what I was hearing, Dan was being as subtle as a nuclear warhead.

"Really I'm fine." Chris said sounding a little embarrassed.

"It's perfectly safe, I'm disease free since 02." Dan said jokingly.

"Classy, really classy." I said as I finally found my voice. Dan tilted his head at me and gave me a sarcastic smirk.

"Don't let him go anywhere Patrick I am getting him a drink."

Dan placed his drink on the table and hurried off. Chris seemed to sigh with relief as he took a seat opposite me.

"Is he always that insistent?" He asked as he looked back at the departing figure of Dan.

"Put it this way you might want to make a run for it before he gets back and puts you in a leg lock." I replied and took a gulp of my drink, I actually wished it contained alcohol now, I could use the boost to my nerve.

"Can you stop him from ordering anything for me. I really can't stay for another drink."

"Don't worry he won't let it go to waste."

"I just wanted to stop by and say goodbye before I left. Oh and give you this." He said as he held out a business card. I took it and glanced at the front, it was for an animal shelter. "It's a place I volunteer at some Sundays, they take in rescues. I take a couple out for walks, play with them that kind of thing. I thought maybe you'd like to tag along sometime."

"Ummm." I wasn't sure what to say. I ran my finger along the edge of the card as I tried to come up with an answer.

"No pressure or anything I just thought I'd ask. My numbers on the back just give me a call if you fancy it."

"Okay thanks." I said relieved that I didn't have to come up with an instant answer.

"I'd better go, my friends waiting. Apologise to Don will you."

"It's Dan but yeah I'll tell him." I said as Chris stood. He placed his hand on my shoulder and squeezed slightly, I looked at him and tried to will myself not to blush.

"Enjoy the rest of your night." Chris said before heading off to the exit.

I watched him leave and then turned my attention to Dan who was striding purposefully towards me. I stuck the card in my back pocket.

"Where is he." Dan asked as he arrived at the table.

"He had to leave." I replied.

"and you let him?"

"What was I supposed to do?" I asked.

"Hobble him if necessary. God, one minute you're telling me to find a new man the next you're keeping me from the love of my life."

"You don't even know him, you're just going off hearsay." I replied.

"Did you see him though. Tell me that was not a prime example of a man."

"He was nice." I agreed.

Dan opened his mouth wide as a gave me a look of exaggerated shock. "We agree for once."

"He was interesting." I said as Dan sat down beside me. He took a couple of mouthfuls of his drink and then topped his glass up with some of the drink he had bought Chris, emptying the rest of it into my glass.

"I might have known you'd be referring to his personality." He said before breaking into a smile. "Relax, I'm winding you up. I know he only came over to talk to you, he looked at me like I was roadkill. So what did he want?"

"Just to say goodnight." I replied.

"That's all? No offer to take you back to his place?" He asked before quickly adding "not that you would have gone of course."

"No."

"Damn. Well at least I didn't miss the chance to comfort him." Dan said as he waved at someone who was leaving the bar. "So what's the official verdict on tonight?" He asked as he turned to look at me.

"I've had fun." I said. Dan raised his eyebrows at me. "Really."

"I'm not doubting you." He said. "Look I'm the one who needs reassurance that I've not ruined your night."

"I've had fun." I repeated. "It's been a nice change."

"You've not wished you were sat at home with Alan?" He asked.

"You always manage to make that sound sad." I said.

"I do don't I." Dan admitted. "Sorry. I'm the same with straight people, I have to remind myself just because something isn't for me doesn't make it wrong. So we'll do this again then?"

"Sure." I said.

"Soon?" He asked.

"Maybe."

"Pending permission from Alan." Dan said as he shook his head.

"I was thinking more about the presentation I've got to get ready for this month, free time is at a premium just now, you know that." I replied. "Anyway it was Alan who told me to go out tonight, he doesn't keep me chained up you know. I like having quiet nights in, strange as that might sound to you."

"Ignore me. I'm slightly drunk and extremely bitter. Friends?"

"Always." I replied and raised my glass to him, we tapped our glasses together and both went to knock back the remains of our drinks, Dan succeeded while I was left with a quarter of my drink remaining.

"Victory." Dan announced as he raised his arms above his head. "Should I call us a taxi?"

I nodded as he stood up and began to feel around in his pockets.

"Damn where's my phone." He asked as he checked in his pockets again.

"Did you get it back from Ben?"

"No." He said followed by several curses. Looking around the room neither of us could see any sign of Ben. "I'll have to call by his place tomorrow. Have you got change for the payphone?"

"Just use my phone." I said as I shuffled in my seat trying to make room for my hand in my pocket. I finally managed to free my phone and held it out to Dan.

"Thanks. Finish your drink I'll make the call outside." Dan said as he took the phone from me. He headed off, making his way to the exit via the bar so he could say his goodbyes to the barman he had spent the night flirting with.

I turned my glass in my hand as I tried to work up the will to down the last of it's contents, I couldn't do it so I put the glass down. Leaning back in my seat I rested the back of my head against the wall and stared up at nothing in particular letting my mind wander. I thought about the night and its events as I reached into my pocket and pulled out the card Chris had given me. I shouldn't have accepted it in fact I should tear it up now and forget about what had happened but as I ran my fingers around its edges and tried to convince myself to crumple it up there and then I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. Chris had been nice, really nice. I bit my lip as I pictured him, his blond hair and his smile. I wanted to shake myself, what did I think was going to happen? Call him, meet him and then what just be friends? I told myself I was being stupid and yet the card remained in my hands in one piece.

I tried to imagine Alan and the look on his face if I knew what I'd done and what at the back of my mind I was considering doing. I felt ashamed and guilty but I still couldn't work up the will to tear up the card. I regretted ever leaving the house tonight, I could have avoided all of this and yet a large part of me was glad it had happened. I couldn't stop it, if I was in a cartoon the angel on my left shoulder would be shaking it's head and tutting while the devil on my right whispered "Yes but wasn't it fun, wasn't he great and wasn't it amazing that he liked you." Right now I agreed with both of them.

I closed my hands around the card and wished for some flash of inspiration. What should I do? Chris' happy smiling face and Alan's look of disappointment flashed in my mind. Opening my hands I looked down at the table and let the card drop onto it picked up my glass and finished my drink in one gulp. I grimaced as the sourness hit me, shook my head and placed the empty glass on top of the card, the moisture beginning to blur the numbers on it almost instantly. Just then Dan stuck his head around the corner of the bar door and signaled for me to come over. I stood and walked slowly towards him.

"You ready?" He asked as I neared him.

"Yeah I think so." I said as I glanced back to the table. I shook my head and stepped outside to join Dan.

The taxi ride home was quiet. Dan seemed to understand that I had something on my mind and didn't push me for a conversation, instead he made idle chat with the driver. As Dan's flat was closer than my home he was dropped off first and left the car with a promise to call me in the morning. The taxi pulled away as I held my hand up to the window, a half wave to Dan before he turned to head to the entrance to his block. As the taxi picked up speed the mention of speaking to Dan in the morning jogged my memory about my earlier promise to call Alan when I was on my way home. I absentmindedly patted my pockets to locate my phone before realising that Dan still had it. I couldn't face getting the driver to turn back around so I decided I could do without my phone until I saw Dan at work. I'd be home in 20 minutes anyway so it's not like Alan could worry much more than he already would have done. I'd explain about not calling when I got in.

As the taxi drove me home and I sat in silence in the back I tried to not think about Chris and any regrets I might have had about leaving his phone number behind. If I could just get in and get to sleep surely I'd feel better in the morning. I had made the right choice I repeated to myself although I hardly sounded convincing.

The taxi pulled up outside my home and I paid before stepping out and making my way up to the front door of the house. Trying to be as quiet as possible and to act as sober as I could manage seemed to have exactly the opposite effect as I kicked over a plant pot that stood by the doorstep and struggled to get my key into the door. I cursed to myself as my keys jangled against the woodwork, how could I be missing the keyhole. I didn't want to ring the doorbell in case Alan had gone to bed. I finally managed to get the key into the hole at which point it stuck halfway in, there was already a key in the other side, Alan must have left it in when he locked the door. I tried to push it out using my key but failed and so feeling tired and stressed and rather unsteady I stood up and pressed the button for the bell. I waited for what felt like forever but was most likely 30 seconds and pressed the button again. I could hear the ringing through the door so it was definitely working.

"One minute." I heard from inside. Damn he must have been asleep. I waited and still the door remained shut, he didn't have to make himself that presentable I thought to myself, he must have known it would be me. Of course he would probably make out he didn't know because I hadn't called and I'd have to apologise.

I knelt down and poked my key into the keyhole again. I got lucky this time and it went all the way in, pushing the other key out, I heard it hit the floor as I unlocked the door and stepped inside. Alan was stood in the hallway in his shorts pulling on a t-shirt.

"You were supposed to call." He said sounding slightly out of breath.

"Long story. Give me a minute" I said as I stepped forward and stumbled. I looked at the floor as I righted myself, I had tripped on a pair of shoes. I carried on walking to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water, it wasn't worth getting into an argument over shoes I told myself as I picked up a glass from the drainer and turned on the tap. Alan followed me into the kitchen and closed the door behind him.

"I did ask you to call." He said as he folded his arms.

"I know, I'm sorry. Dan's got my phone."

"Have a seat, you look drunk." He told me as I leaned on the kitchen counter. "I'll check the doors locked."

He left the kitchen, the door swinging shut behind him and I was about to take a seat on one of the stools at the breakfast bar when a silly thought crossed my mind. I didn't own any shoes like the pair I'd tripped over and neither did Alan. I crossed the kitchen and placed my ear against the door.

"Sorry about this, he was supposed to call." I heard Alan whisper. "How about we meet up next week? I had a great time tonight."

"Me too." A man's voice replied.

I didn't know whether to fall to the floor or storm into the hallway. I did neither, instead I quietly opened the kitchen door in time to see Alan close the front door as he waved at someone outside. There he was, Alan, the same guy I'd said goodbye to only a few hours earlier who had told me to have fun and enjoy myself, yet now he was stood in front of me and I felt like I no longer recognised him. He was a stranger who just looked like my boyfriend. I didn't know what to do or say but one image stayed in my mind, it was Chris' phone number, the ink blurring as water soaked into the paper.

 

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