Metanoia - 7. Little Wing

There’s a lot to do. I spend the following week making plans with the Aldecaldos, checking up on friends, and generally making preparations. I spend a few nights at Kerry’s place and he spends a couple at mine. But after a few days, I start to get the distinct impression there’s something he’s not telling me. He seems kinda subdued, but I ignore it as best I can; if he wants to tell me, he will.

One evening, a week or so after I got back, I head to the mansion as normal, entering by the front door. ‘Kerry?’ I call. There’s no answer, so I walk in, check the living room. He’s not there, and I head upstairs. I find him in the bedroom, sitting on the bed, head bowed and hands folded between his knees, almost as if in prayer. ‘Ker?’

‘Hey,’ he says softly. He doesn’t look at me, so I sit down next to him and cover his hands with one of mine.

‘Hey. You okay? Is somethin’ wrong?’

He laughs—a short, sharp sound devoid of humour. ‘Is something wrong . . .’ He sighs and finally looks at me. His head’s still bowed and he peers up at me from the corner of his eye. ‘You know, this is the second time in my life I’m losing someone I care about to the fucking Aldecaldos. What’d I ever do to them?’

‘So, that’s what this is about.’ I smile and squeeze his hands. ‘First of all, I doubt it’s personal. Second, you’re not losing me, Ker. Johnny came back and so will I.’

‘Johnny came back after several years.’

‘Well, I’m comin’ back in a couple months. I’ll find the help I need, I’ll come back, and I’ll be all yours.’ I try to catch his eye, but he’s looking away again. ‘Ker, what’s this really about?’

He shakes his head, pulls his hands out of my grasp. ‘Part of me . . . a pretty big part of me is telling me to just end this now,’ he says softly. ‘Before I get in too deep and it becomes too hard to let go.’

It feels like an ice cold fist has punched into my chest cavity and clenched itself around my heart. I swallow the lump in my throat and shake my head. ‘Kerry . . . please don’t—’

Kerry interrupts me. ‘That part of me’s wrong. I’m already in too deep.’ He sighs again, sits back and runs a hand irritably through his hair. ‘Fuck me, V . . . We’ve known each other how long?’

‘Oh, about . . . four weeks? Little less?’

‘God . . . Haven’t fallen for anyone this fast since . . . well, since I met Johnny.’ He lets out another heavy sigh and finally meets my eye again, properly this time. ‘I’m fuckin’ terrified of losing you, V. I’m scared to death, ’cause . . .’ He hesitates.

I reach out with my hand and cup his cheek. ‘’Cause?’

Kerry closes his eyes for a moment, takes a deep breath, and opens them again. ‘Because I love you. Okay? I fuckin’ love you.’

The words are barely out of his mouth before I draw him close and press our lips together, hard. I hold his face with both my hands and kiss him fiercely, trying to show him how I feel because I’m not sure if I can say it out loud without crying. Though even without speaking, I fail at the not crying. Pressing our foreheads together, I can feel tears on my cheeks. ‘I love you too, Ker,’ I choke out. I clear my throat. ‘Fuck . . . I’m sorry.’

Kerry puts his arms around me and I rest my head on his shoulder while he strokes my back. Finally, he says, ‘I wanna go with you.’

I pull back, looking into his eyes. ‘Go with me?’

‘With the Aldecaldos. I wanna come with.’

I blink, staring. ‘Wha—really?’

‘Really.’

‘What about the new album?’

Kerry shrugs. ‘Couple months, right? Label can wait that long. And who knows? Maybe travelling with Nomads will inspire me. Give me some . . . clarity or whatever. Seems to have worked for Johnny.’

‘Okay.’ I smile. ‘Yeah, okay. I’ll call Panam.’ And I’m about to pull her up on the holo, but Kerry kisses me again.

‘Call her later,’ he whispers. ‘Right now, I just need to be with you. Okay?’

‘Okay.’ I pull him into my lap and kiss him deeply. ‘I’m with you, Ker. I’m yours.’

He kisses me back. It’s aggressive and desperate and needy, and soon he’s grinding down on me, moaning into my mouth. ‘V . . . please fuck me! I need you so bad . . .’

‘Whatever you need,’ I whisper. ‘Take whatever you want from me, Ker.’

He practically growls, pushes me down onto the bed and gets off me so he can get at my pants. He opens them unceremoniously, pulls them halfway down my thighs, just enough to expose me. Reaching over to the nightstand, he grabs the box with the packer in it. It’s been living here pretty much permanently. He slots it in; I showed him how it works.

Kerry doesn’t bother getting us completely undressed. He takes off his own pants, reaches for the lube, and I watch as he preps himself, slapping my hands away when I try to help. He does the bare minimum before he straddles me and sinks down on my dick, hands on my chest, holding me down. He stares into my eyes and whispers, ‘Mine!’

I reach up, pulling his t-shirt off him and tossing it aside before putting my arms around his waist and drawing him close so I can kiss him. He breaks the kiss, going for my throat, biting hard before sucking a bruise into my skin. Then he pulls me up into a sitting position, holding onto my shoulders. I push back as he rides me, matching the movements of his hips and holding him close. ‘Kerry . . .’ I whisper his name, over and over. ‘Fuck, Kerry, you’re so tight . . . Gonna—!’ I grit my teeth and come with a loud groan, pressing my forehead into his shoulder and gasping. ‘Ah, Kerry!’

‘So hot,’ he murmurs. ‘Love making you come, V.’

I laugh. ‘Yeah, it’s fun for me too.’ I straighten up and kiss him again. Once I’m no longer shaking with the power of my orgasm, I thrust up to meet him once more, and he cries out as I nudge his prostate. ‘Wonder if I can make you come with just my dick.’

‘Ah! Heh, doubt it. Never happened to me before, and do you know how many people have fucked me?’

‘Challenge accepted,’ I murmur, and before he can protest I’ve flipped us over without pulling out, laying him down under me. I manage to get my pants down to my ankles for better mobility. Pulling my shirt over my head, I hook both his legs over my left shoulder and slam into him, hard, going as deep as I can. Kerry groans, arching his spine, his eyes rolling back. ‘I mean, you said—’ slam, ‘—no one else—’ slam, ‘—ever made you feel this good.’ As I fuck him, I angle my hips to hit his sweet spot with every thrust.

‘V . . . ah! Fuck, Vincent . . . Feels—!’

‘Good?’ Kerry nods. His mouth hangs open, his chest rising and falling rapidly. His cock lies hard and leaking against his stomach, occasionally twitching. I don’t touch it, and when he reaches for it I push his hand out of the way. ‘No.’

‘Please!’ he whines. His voice has risen in pitch and his eyes are shut tight. ‘Please, let me come!’

‘I will,’ I say softly. ‘You’ll come on my cock. Look how close you are, babe.’ As if to illustrate the point, a large amount of pre-cum dribbles from the tip of his swollen cock. ‘You don’t need your hands, Ker. All you need is me.’

Kerry nods. As I keep still for a moment, he swallows and says, ‘Yeah,’ his voice breaking. ‘I . . . I just need you, V . . .’

I start moving again. ‘Good boy.’ It just slips out, but it seems to work for him because he whimpers when I say it. ‘Look at me, Ker. Open your eyes, babe.’ He does, meeting my eye. ‘Be good for me.’ I reach out, run my hand up his side and chest, fingers brushing his stiff nipple. I touch his cheek, running my thumb along his bottom lip. He sucks my thumb into his mouth, staring into my eyes, and it’s my turn to moan at the sight. ‘Fuck . . . so hot. You’re so beautiful, Kerry.’ I note how his thighs are quivering now. He’s close. I pull out a little, explore with shallow thrusts until he groans loudly around my thumb and starts clawing at the sheets, his cock twitching again, and I stay there, courting his prostate with the head of my cock in short staccato movements. ‘Gonna come for me, hm?’ I pull my thumb out of his mouth so he can answer.

His eyes close again. ‘Yeah . . .’

‘No, no. Eyes on me, Ker, or I’ll stop.’

He whimpers again, opening his eyes. ‘No, please, don’t stop! Ah, fuuuck!’

Kerry moans, cries out, and I watch as his cock pulses, a strand of white cum dribbling out. His ass tightens around me, and I grunt, making my thrusts deeper and finally taking his dick in my hand, milking the cum out of him in several more spurts. ‘Ah, fuck, Kerry!’ I groan as I come too.

As I let his legs down on either side of me, his whole body shivers and twitches with aftershocks, and I lower my body, collapsing on top of him, smearing his spending between us. I seem to have rendered him non-verbal, but he puts his arms around me, holding me tightly. I kiss his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat underneath my lips.

‘You okay?’ I ask.

His chest starts to shake before he manages to utter an actual laughing sound. His voice is hoarse and gravelly. ‘Am I okay?’ He keeps laughing, and I prop myself up on my hand so I can see his face, sweaty and red but filled with mirth. He finally manages to stop laughing and looks into my eyes with so much joy and affection it does funny things to my stomach. ‘That was the most amazing, intense experience of my life, V.’ He strokes my cheek and bites his lip. ‘God, I love you.’

I lower my head and kiss his lips softly. ‘I love you too.’ Then I get off him. ‘Come on, need to get cleaned up.’

‘Mm, no, wanna sleep,’ he mumbles. ‘Wore me out.’

‘You can sleep after. Come on, old man.’ And I get out of bed and pull him to his feet, leading him to the bathroom with an arm around his waist. He can barely stand in the shower, but running a bath would take too long, so I wash the cum and the worst of the sweat off him and put him to bed after making him drink a glass of water. Then I go downstairs to call Panam.

‘Hey, V,’ she says when she answers. ‘How’s things? You busy getting ready?’

‘Yeah, a lot needs doin’. How’s the family? People gettin’ back on their feet?’

‘Yeah, most of ’em are all right. Mitch is still on his back, the lazy bastard, but he’s healin’ too. Can’t set a date for leavin’ until everyone’s up and about, though.’

‘Glad Mitch is improvin’, in any case. Hey, listen . . . there’s somethin’ I need to talk to you about.’

‘Sure. What’s up?’

‘So, you know how I’ve been seeing this guy, Kerry.’

Panam snorts. ‘Yeah, I’m not about to forget that Kerry Eurodyne’s your new input.’

I laugh softly. ‘Yeah. So, anyway . . . today he told me he wants to come with me. With us.’

‘What, seriously?’

‘Yeah, surprised the hell outta me too, but . . . I’d really like to bring him along. I . . . I love him. I’m not planning on dyin’, but I’d still like to spend as much time with him as I can, in case . . . Well.’

‘If he’s important to you, of course he can come with us,’ Panam says. ‘Just tell him to bring a guitar. He can pull his weight by entertaining us all.’

‘Heh, I’m sure he’d be happy to do that. He’s happiest when he’s performing.’

‘Well, good. If this’ll make you both happy, I’m all for it. Listen, I got some stuff to do, but I’ll call you later and we can talk about the detes, okay?’

‘Preem. Talk to you later.’

We hang up. Now I gotta figure out what to do about Nibbles. I was planning on leaving her with Kerry, but now he’s coming with that’s no longer an option. Gotta think of something else.

#

When I wake up the next morning, the other side of the bed is empty, but I can smell coffee, and from downstairs I hear music. I put on a t-shirt and some sweatpants I regularly borrow from Kerry and follow the sound. Kerry’s sitting on the couch by his wall of guitars, playing one of them. Slow and improvisational, a melody I find almost haunting. I stand there watching for a while, leaning against the wall.

‘New song?’ I ask after a little while.

He smiles. ‘No. Old one. Real old, hundred years at least. Taught myself to play this when I was fourteen. It’s by a guy called Hendrix. The things that man did for music, for how people play guitar . . . He was a revolutionary, in more ways than one. Died of a drug overdose before he even had time to turn twenty-eight.’

I sit next to him and watch as he keeps playing, the same riff over again. Then he sings.

‘When I’m sad she comes to me, with a thousand smiles she gives to me free. It’s all right, she says, it’s all right . . . take anything you want from me. Anything, anything . . .’ He gives me a sidelong glance as he keeps plucking the strings and smiles. ‘Thought about it last night. You said that to me. Said I could take whatever I wanted.’

I return his smile. ‘Yeah.’

His smile falters a little. ‘Make sure I don’t take too much, okay?’ He looks down at the guitar. ‘I can be selfish.’

‘That’s okay,’ I say.

He laughs a little. ‘God, you’re so young . . .’

‘What?’ I frown.

Kerry shakes his head. ‘Nothing. I just don’t want you to . . . I dunno. I dunno what I’m sayin’, V. I just want you to be happy.’

‘Long as I’m with you, I am happy,’ I say without hesitation. I lean in and kiss his neck. ‘I love you,’ I whisper in his ear.

‘Love you too,’ he murmurs. His fingers stop playing and he turns his head to kiss me.

‘Wanna go out tonight?’ I ask. ‘We could head to El Coyote Cojo. I’m sure Mama Welles would be happy to see you again.’

‘Nice lady,’ says Kerry, then gives me a searching look. ‘Doesn’t it bother you one bit that your input’s older than your best friend’s mom?’

‘Nope.’ I shake my head, grinning. ‘Not even a little. I mean, it’s not like you act your age, anyway.’

Kerry laughs. ‘You little shit!’ Then he kisses me again. ‘Sure, let’s go out tonight.’

I stand up. ‘I’ve got some shit to take care of. Can pick you up, maybe? ’Round six? And we can stay at my place after. Feel bad about leavin’ Nibbles alone all the time.’

‘Sure, V. Sounds nova.’ Kerry slaps my ass as I turn around. ‘Long as I can have some of this later.’

Laughing, I shake my head. ‘Anything you want. Didn’t I already say that?’

#

I knock on the door to Barry’s apartment. ‘Hey, Barry? It’s V.’

He opens the door after a few moments. ‘Hey, V!’ He smiles. ‘Been a while. How you been?’ he steps aside, inviting me inside.

‘Good, good. How ’bout you? You look great!’ He does, and so does his apartment. Last time I was here it was littered with dirty laundry and half-empty takeout containers. Now it’s tidied up. Not spotless or anything, but clean. Barry’s shaved and is wearing clean clothes. I smile.

‘Thanks, choom,’ he says. ‘Yeah, I’m doin’ a lot better. Got a job, actually.’

‘Oh, really? Not back on the force?’

‘Nah, I . . . couldn’t handle that. I work construction. I’m built like a brick shithouse; may as well put it to good use.’ He laughs.

I laugh as well. ‘You sure are at that.’ I sit down when he invites me and he passes me a Broseph that I happily accept, popping the cap and taking a swig. ‘Glad to see things are workin’ out for ya.’

‘Yeah. Even thinking of gettin’ back on the market, y’know? Find a new output. Ain’t had anyone in . . . fuck, I don’t even wanna say how long, it sounds pathetic.’

‘Well, you’re a real catch, Barry. Anyone’d be lucky to have you.’ I tap his bottle with mine. ‘To new beginnings.’ We both drink.

‘So what have you been up to?’ he asks.

‘Oh, same old, same old. Merc work. But actually, things are about to change for me too. Kinda what I wanted to talk to you about.’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Yeah. I’ll be leavin’ town. Prolly givin’ up my apartment.’

‘Leavin’ town? Wow.’

‘Just for a couple months, but I’ll prolly end up movin’ in with my input when I get back, y’know?’

‘Oh, I didn’t know you were seein’ someone. Good for you, choomba.’ He smiles.

‘Thanks. Anyways, I was wonderin’ if you could do me a favour. See, I got this cat. Her name’s Nibbles. Found her eatin’ trash and took ’er in. I can’t really take her with me on the road, so she needs a new home, least while I’m away. I was wonderin’ if I could leave her with you?’

Barry’s face brightens up like a million suns. ‘Oh, yeah! Totally, that’d be nova! I mean, I’d be happy to. I miss havin’ another livin’ thing around.’

‘Yeah, she’s super sweet, you’ll love her. She’s happy to be by herself long as she’s got somethin’ to play with, y’know, when you’re workin’. Just love on ’er from time to time and keep her fed, and she’ll be your friend forever. She’s a real good listener too.’

Barry laughs. ‘Thanks for thinkin’ of me, man. I promise I’ll take good care of her.’

‘Preem! I’m leavin’ in a week and a bit, I think. I’ll come by and drop her off before I go, bring all her stuff.’

We chat for a while longer, then I stand up. ‘I should delta. Got a date tonight. Thanks for the beer, man.’

Barry stands to walk me out. ‘You’re welcome. Was nice catching up. I’ll see ya later.’

‘Yeah, later.’