Blue - 5. Chapter 5

I spend a good amount of time now in my office on the ground floor, sitting behind the desk. Wondering. Thinking. Still confused about what this all means. Mostly going over my life. A mini review kind of. Blue is always with me. And of course now Ty is often here. There were several suites on the ground floor. One was this office. One had a billiard table in it. Another had an old juke box in it. Etc. Another was a bar, but I don’t really drink, so there was a lot of ice cream in the frig and some olives I think. A couple of beers, that Ty left in there.

 

This card I just wrote while I was “reminiscing,“ it wasn’t in my handwriting. I didn’t recognize the name or address. I moved my awareness to the side and looked at the connections. I was getting better at this. I could almost be in two places at once now.

 

But… you know nothing happened of course. I mean after hearing all about the big doom and gloom and all that depends on me stuff. It’s like getting excited about winning the big lottery and the let down after you don’t win even though you know everyone but one or two loses the lottery. Except this lottery is the reverse you don’t want to win it, you don’t want to be the doomed one. The lottery is one of the few things in life that can’t be predicted. There are just too many minds influencing the out come. Well, it’s not worth the effort it would take. The best way to play the lottery is to not play it. So, I am not playing the game. Or am I? Dumb luck wins maybe. Maybe dumb luck will save me ?

 

It’s been several months and really every thing has been just about the same. Except for maybe this address that I did and didn’t write down. And except for those first few days after, when I was freaking. I had quite a few spills in the following days. I don’t know… well I couldn’t just sit and wait for whatever. So I tried to move on or to continue as I was. But then initially, I was stuck in the misery of my own making, in my vision of my impending fate. The dirty destiny to be.

 

Ty moved in with me. That’s what it felt like. That is not really correct, he came home with me and never left or it feels like that sometimes. And there was our moment which I keep forgetting to forget. And then there was the dream where I sparked again for the first time since Pacey. Ty does leaves, I mean he still has his life and all but he is connected to me now.

 

I walked thru the main room of my apartment to the wall of windows at the front of the building. Spread in front of me was my favorite view of the Grand Canyon. The endless horizon, the sun, the shadow, the time, the distance. The apparent emptiness. The vastness of isolation. All that carved, scarred existence. It was as real as if it was really outside the Domino. Of course what was really outside the Domino was a fountain at the entrance to the park. I could change the view to my liking but often the Domino changed the view to it’s liking. I didn’t complain. I often found the views calming or stimulating or just beautiful. Ty came up behind me. What would I be doing if he wasn’t here. Talking to Blue I guess or maybe yelling at nothing. But now all I could do was escape into the view of that canyon.

 

“Oliver, you are not alone in this you know.” It was his first time saying my name, or my father’s name. It was his first time in the Domino too as far as I knew.

 

“My name is Eli.” Great way to meet someone. The first person I bring home with me and he has to be here cause it is his duty to his people. And why I am thinking this way about him anyway. I am really messed up if I am.

 

I ignore a lot and hide a lot from myself and others. I guess I am not the only one who does this. I tell myself that anyway. It’ s part of this existence of being human. It’s why is suits us so, my people. We love to wallow in humanity. But I am guessing… projecting the truth thru my own prejudices and anger of the moment. I was born human. I have never been my other self in the fullest sense. My father wanted me raised as native as possible. So Grams and Mother brought me up in a story book house on a story book lane in a story book neighborhood, as far as appearances went. And there were always adjustments to cover for my unique “individuality.” As a kid I entertained the thought that we were gypsies, in a way I was right. In a way I am always right or wrong as need be.

 

I have always been reticent.

 

“Eli.” That’s sounds too intimate, my name again from him.

 

“You know all about this don’t you.” I wanted to change the subject but how, it was all I could think of.

 

“All the people know. We are born with the knowledge.” Yes, we are born with so much. Instinctive knowledge and more. Pathways. All the pathways to understanding that comes thru experience.

 

“I wasn’t.” I wasn’t sure what this was that my people felt, this drive toward a confrontation with something greater or different or dangerous that hinged on my grip on reality.

 

“That is because you are the one.”

 

“The sacrifice you mean, the fucking virgin sacrifice.” Okay I don’t use that word. It is too powerful at least from me. I am really upset apparently if I can forget my own inhibitions.

 

“No one ever mentioned a virgin to me. You are our ‘ultimate word.’”