Blue - 6. Chapter 6

I’m so young, experience wise. Being born with ancient wisdom helps. Being born with instinctive knowledge makes leaps forward easier, that is, if some of the important bits are not left out. Of course, I have my own personality quirks. And, I have some control to limit the totality of me. Being human helps a lot. I can be wrong and fail but it all adds to the end result, which means being pigheaded and foolish are just as important as being judicious. My people almost have a scorn for their own lot.

 

There is no… nothing. But apparently there is going to be no sex for me. And that makes be feel like there is nothing… to look forward too ? Or like something missing inside.

 

“What are my choices now? Run out and fall in love in an instant? Have sex with a stranger… knowing it means nothing.” I could be talking to Ty or Blue or to the canyon view out the windows of the Domino. I was rambling. Why worry about my non existent love life. I wasn’t ready for this. All my life I have not been ready. Being able to react instinctively is not the same thing as being ready. I wasn’t ready for puberty, I found it confusing. I wasn’t ready for young love and now I wasn’t ready. Period. I was out of time. I wasn’t ready to face any of this.

 

“Why can’t I be normal and have a normal life. Why can’t I save a planet or two like normal people do? Then settle down and have a life like normal people. Why do I have to stand up against the impossible, the finality of creation?”

 

“It kind of kills any other options for me.” It’s like jumping off a cliff. Only I am not so sure of what would happen if I jump off a cliff. I might just fly, you know.

 

“And, it’s not about me at all, its about all of us. I die and accept extinction so all else can survive. No choice, I die alone or I die with everything I let down. Only my death wins the battle.” I am not speaking of my human death. My human death will just be my other birth, my true self come into fullness again. I mean my complete and utter end, this is to be the sacrifice.

 

“So, let me get this straight. You want to get laid? Before or after you save everything?” I could kick Ty for being funny, now.

 

My business card, the one with the strangely written address on the back, was surrounded with loose connections, like it was decorated with long streamers that ended in sparking tatters. All but one, that connected to me. I had seen something like this before. I had been playing with the connections every since I discovered them… tugging a little, touching them lightly; but, I hadn’t considered tearing them loose. This was wrong some how, to me. I looked up from the card at Ty. There were connections between us. Mine and his. I looked at Blue, he was part of me. I could see me at his core surrounded by what he had become. I looked at Ty again, his core was part of… my people… surrounded by what is means to be human and by the result of me sparking all over him. Foolish. I looked at myself and saw the torn ends of connections broken among the many that were “complete.” Or maybe not broken. Connections maybe unformed ? Maybe they were connections never made ?

 

There is something else that happened that day at Aunt Serena‘s. I manifested. I was so busy with all the declarations and revelations that I didn’t even notice. Maybe no one else did either. I was just that angry. And I had put off dealing with it since then, not thinking about it. I dropped my cloak is one way of saying it, in my reveal. I stepped out of the shadows, another. I absorbed my human camouflage, yet it doesn‘t explain really what happened. I didn’t lose anything or gain anything. I just balanced my being inside and out. So deep down in me I was the same, but outwardly the illusion of me changed a good bit. I’m talking about a lot of things but the most obvious one was my appearance. Blush. You know how a cute, chubby, fussy caterpillar transforms into something more ethereal… it was kind of like that, I guess.

 

It’s not suppose to happen so suddenly. It is suppose to be a gradual thing. Confidence thru time and experience. To use Mom’s term again, a “blossoming.” Because the first time is supposed to be your foundation, what you build your destiny on. The first note of a song. It all comes from the beginning vibration. My people follow the “seasons” of the cosmos in a way of speaking. I experienced my first spring in a way. Seeding. Growing. Fruiting. Waiting. There is so much ahead of me and so much growing behind me. And I can flow along my portion with and without my choice.

 

So, I now look like me, only glorified.

 

Why am I feeling all this sadness about this. Why am I feeling all this expectancy.

 

Anyway.

 

“You’re beautiful.” Those words from Ty kind of brought me back to myself. I don’t know how long I stared out the windows of my apartment, not thinking, just losing myself in what was instinctive to me to do, meditation. Being one with the all of everything.

 

“What?” At the moment I was confused by his statement.

 

“And the way you don’t have a clue about it.” What is Ty talking about ?

 

There must be something I am missing or not understanding in the events following the changes in my life. I keep popping back to them. Going over them. Living them in a way maybe only I can. I still haven’t really discussed all of this with anyone. So I don’t know if it is peculiar to me or a common trait of my kind. And maybe it is guilt or embarrassment or desire that trips me back again and again to the first night alone with Ty in my apartment.

 

“I’m exhausted, I’m going to bed.”

 

I sometimes don’t know where I am. I am here now and I am behind and beside and ahead of myself. So it even confuses me. What is a moment, but eternity.

 

I was dreaming that night. I was running in the park across from the Domino. Blue was running beside me. I loved the way he ran, like a sail flapping in the wind, such joy in him. I was in the moment and totally human, alive with dreams and hopes for a future and desire and hunger and moderation. Confident. Ty caught up with me passing me easily in a sprint. I watched him grow distant as he moved further ahead. Then, he stopped and turned and I was suddenly upon him… with that smile of his, just standing, just waiting under the branches of the oaks along the winding path.

 

 

 

~*~

April 18, 2012