Sebastian - 10. Chapter 10

The next three years passed by much like those last seven months. The days were excruciatingly long and the months flew by. Beer wasn’t doing it for me anymore and I’d switched to vodka. I was drinking a fifth a day and it was barely allowing me to get enough sleep to hold things together.

The month’s right after Sean’s departure were the worst. When the alcohol had worn off and the nightmares had woken me up, I had a lot of time to do some serious reflecting. The issue of my sexuality had never come up before. The first 14 years of my life were spent trying to get enough to eat and avoiding the beatings. Survival was the most important thing. And when everything happened with Sean I was more concerned with getting my friend back than anything else.

I tried to remember what I’d fantasized about when I’d masturbated before I met Sean. I couldn’t remember anything. It was like the feelings that I got with my hand gliding up and down were more than enough to get me where I wanted to be. At one point some guys from school planned a trip down to a brothel about 40 miles away. I convinced them to let me go even though I was way too young. Somehow I got in. I loved kissing the woman that I had chosen. And I even enjoyed playing with her breasts. But when it came down to “the” moment. The little guy wouldn’t cooperate. I managed to convince everyone that I’d had a great time. I went home more confused than ever. I met a lot of people at school and at work. There wasn’t anyone male or female that did anything for me.

The realization that scared me the most had to do with the nightmares. At some point I realized that the only time I didn’t have them, since that last beating, was when Sean had his arm around me. I needed to get more sleep. Good sleep, not just the passed out drunk sleep.

I avoided looking in the mirror. What I saw there was frightening. I looked horrible. I’d let my hair grow and mostly just let it fall where ever it fell. My eyes had dark circles around them and my cheeks were sunken. More and more, my meals were becoming liquid ones.

I finally reached my eighteenth birthday and for a change I was excited. I felt that I was always worried about “them” finding a way to get to me. But now I’d be eighteen and I wouldn’t have to worry anymore. I celebrated it alone and without alcohol. I went to bed and woke up not long after soaked in sweat and terrified. It wasn’t going to go away.

I kept in constant email communication with Pedro. I told him how well I was doing and he told me how well Sean was doing. We were both lying and we both knew it. All of this led to one cold winter day. I went to work that morning and we finished up early and wouldn’t be back that afternoon. I didn’t have classes that day either so I went home for lunch. That was a rare occasion and I hoped I had some vodka waiting for me. I planned on trying to sleep the siesta away.

The fog had settled in for the day it seemed. The moisture in the air left me damp. As I crossed the street approaching the house a figure materialized in the fog. He just stood there looking at the house. Feeling a bit nervous I approached him from behind. My breath caught.

“Sean?”

He whirled around to face me. His eyes were still dead and showed confusion. It took a moment for him to recognize me. His face went pale and he turned to hurry off. I ran after him. I grabbed his arm and forced him to look at me. My mind went blank. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to him. We stood there quietly. Me trying to say something. And Sean looking at the ground. His stomach growled. The memory of a day long ago made me smile.

i¿Tu hambre? i I asked.

He shook his head no, but a second grumble belied him. I pulled him toward the house. He resisted at first but then allowed himself to be pulled into the house. I pushed him into the chair farthest from the door. I had empanadas that I’d bought the night before but hadn’t eaten. I made us each a plate and sat down between him and the door and indicated he should eat. I remembered the cokes and poured us each a glass. Coke had lost its magic for me after Sean and I had fallen out. And I rarely drank it. Sitting there with Sean again brought back all the good memories and suddenly the coke tasted wonderful again.

We finished eating. He sat there looking at the table and I knew I was losing him again.

“Sean” I whispered “why can’t you let this go.”

He shrugged and continued to look at the table.

“Sean, you know I forgot about what happened a long time ago. And I hope you know how sorry I am for the words I said. I really hate how things are. Please forgive yourself.” The last part came out as a desperate plea.

“I can’t” he choked out. “I won’t ever forget what I destroyed that day.”

My heart was breaking. I couldn’t let him go. Not like this. Not again. I searched desperately for something I could say or do to fix this.

“I don’t have to go back to work or school today. Can you stay for awhile?”

“I don’t….. I don’t think I can.” Was his whispered reply.

“Sean” desperation now evident in my voice “I can’t make you forgive yourself. But I can tell you how much I need you. So if you need to leave. If you cant forgive yourself. Fine. But if you ever cared about me please do me one favor. I haven’t been the same since that night. The nightmares came back. I feel like I haven’t slept since that night. And I don’t know how long I’m going to be able to continue like this. I don’t remember what it feels like to sleep well. I need to take a nap. I need to sleep. Would you please hold me one last time so I can sleep. Even for just for a few hours?”

He finally looked at me, tears streaming down his face. He held my gaze for a long minute, and then nodded. The relief overwhelmed me and I realized just how much I needed the sleep. He followed me back to my room. I stripped to my shorts but he only took his shoes off. I didn’t care. I climbed into bed and reluctantly so did he. I had to pull his arm over me but I didn’t mind, he was there. Five minutes later I was sound asleep.

I awoke with a start. It was dark out. I had slept all afternoon. Sean must have been tired. He’d taken his clothes off and was sleeping next to me. His arm was still over me but his body was as far away as he could keep it. I lay there watching him sleep. He looked peaceful. The troubled expression was gone. I knew I had missed him but seeing him like that brought a new realization of just how much. I still didn’t know if I was gay or straight. But I did know I loved Sean. And then it hit me what I needed to do.

I reached towards him as slowly as I could. I carefully eased my hand into his shorts and for the first time held another man in my hand. I wish I could say there was a jolt of electricity or fireworks going off in my head but I can’t. What I did feel was a sense of belonging. My hand belonged there.

Sean’s eyes sprang open and his mouth moved like he was trying to say something. I reached out with a finger on my other hand and shushed him.

“Now we’re even.”

He eyes locked on mine. He was searching for something. At long last he spoke.

“I need to go” he whispered.

Tears sprang to my eyes. I’d gambled everything and lost. I closed my eyes and tried to hold back the flood.

I felt him punch me lightly on the shoulder.

“No you dork. I have to ‘go.’’

Understanding hit me. It was over.

“Seba” he said gently “can you let go so I can go pee?”

I shook my head no. And an impish grin crossed my face. The corners of his mouth twitched. And I saw a brief spark in his eyes. I crawled over him, got out of bed and led him to the bathroom. He was going to have to pee with me holding him. I wasn’t about to let go. His stream hitting the bowl brought the need to go to me. I pulled my shorts down, Reached for his hand and put it on me. Looking at him I saw a genuine smile. And the sparks were back in his eyes.

When we had finished I led him back to the bedroom, never releasing him. By the next morning I knew he wasn’t going anywhere without me ever again.

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