Sebastian - 9. Chapter 9

“SEAN!’

His yelling snapped me out of it. I knew he was going to find out what had happened. I knew he was going to hate me. But still I told him everything. By the time I’d finished the crying had abated. I hung my head and begged him not to hate me.

“So you’re gay? That’s nothing I didn’t know already.”

I looked at him in shock. How did he know?

“Listen Sean you and I are going to have a long talk later. But right now your friend is out there running away. He has nowhere to go and he’s still sick. We need to find him before he does something stupid. And god forbid he goes back to his family.”

Dad was right as always. I was stunned with his revelation. But Seba needed to come first. Dad went to get dressed and I threw some clothes on.

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I slammed the front door as I burst out running. I couldn’t believe what Sean had done. I felt sick. I ran until I fell over. I hadn’t gotten very far I was still really weak. I laid there with a million thoughts going through my head. What had I done to deserve this? Why had it happened now just when things were getting better? Does god hate me that much? And the big question where do I go now?

Fuck there was no where else. I was going to have to go back. I wouldn’t survive on my own. I put up with “those people” and their smacking me around. I would just have to put up with Sean touching me. Shit what if he wants more? What if he wants to blow me? What if he wants me to touch him? Okay if he wants to do things to me Ill close my eyes and pretend it’s someone else. He will just have to accept that I won’t do anything to him. My mind made up I got up and walked back to their house.

I reached out but the door was pulled open before I could touch it. Sean was there he took one look at me and his face went pale. He hung his head, turned and walked away. Pedro was there though. He opened his arms and I rushed into them. He held me close while I cried. I didn’t want to admit it but being out there and not knowing where to go had scared me to death.

When I’d cried myself out he sat me up, reached out and tilted my head so I was looking him in the eyes.

“Seba what I’m going to tell you now is very important and I need you to really listen and understand it. Okay?

I nodded my understanding but scared of what he was going to say. I almost held my breath as he started talking.

“I know you’re mad at Sean right now but I need you to know how much you mean to him. To us. Your friendship means so much to Sean. I haven’t seen him so happy in a long, long time. And I can’t repay you for that. I need you to know that I’m not going to let you leave. This is your house now. I know its going to be awkward and we will have to make some adjustments. But you are not leaving. Do you understand me?”

I nodded my understanding and broke into tears again. He held me for a long time. I was about cried out. A yawn escaped me and I realized how tired I was. My fear of facing Sean and sleeping in our room must have been apparent on my face. He picked me up like I was a child and took me to his room.

“You can sleep in here for awhile. We will work out other arrangements later on.”

I thanked him and fell into a deep sleep.

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When I opened the door and saw Seba standing there I was shocked. Then the humiliation and shame kicked in. I couldn’t look him in the face. I went to our room and closed the door. I fell asleep crying.

A long time later I woke up to a knock on the door. Dad poked his head in and asked me if I was ready to talk. I knew there was no getting out of it. It was time to face the music. I got up and followed him out to the living room.

“Sit down” he said indicating a chair.

“I’m very disappointed in you.” And with those words he devastated me.

“But I can see how it happened. I’m not going to punish you. I think you will punish yourself far more than I ever could. What happens between you and Seba now I’ll leave for you two to work out. I told him he was staying here. No options. He needs a place to live and he needs love. He will get both here.”

“Now I have some explaining to do, and I need to apologize to you.”

“Apologize to me?” I whispered. “I’m the one that screwed up.”

“The apology is not about that. Do you remember the sleep over you went on with Russ?”

Remember? How could I forget, that was the day my whole life went to shit. I thought to myself.

I nodded.

“Well the day after Russ’ mom called us. She told us that Russ was a bit bothered by the way you had looked at him. And she thought we should know. You were only 8 and not near ready to talk about anything like that. We talked to a counselor and he told us to wait, that you would find a way to let us know when you were ready to talk about it. I didn’t expect it to be like this but since it happened here we go. You need to know that your mother and I love you very much. We don’t care if you’re gay or not. You mean so much to us and we would never let something as trivial as who you loved change that. Do you understand?”

I nodded yes.

“Dad?” I squeaked out.

“Yes?”

“I don’t want to go to hell.”

Dad was floored. I could see that wasn’t something he expected. He sat there for a few minutes, ran his hand through his hair, and stared at the floor.

“How could we have been so stupid? How did we miss that?” he whispered

“Miss what dad?”

“The religious aspect of all this. Damn.”

“Son, I believe in God. But I don’t really believe in religion. I haven’t found any church that truly follows Christ’s example. But at the same time I feel obligated to show God that I’m willing to take time out of my life for him. I go to our church because that’s the church I grew up in. It’s the one I’m comfortable with. I never thought about how their teachings would affect you. You must feel like God doesn’t love you, right?

I nodded tears starting to spill again.

Dad moved his chair next to mine and pulled me into his arms and onto his lap.

“Sean, God is love. He would never hate you for any reason. He made you just as you are and he loves you. You aren’t going to hell.

His words left me stunned. He was right. I’d never looked at it that way. He held me on his lap as I cried tears of relief.

When I was done crying dad told me we had some work to do. Our house had three rooms. Mine, his and one we’d made into an office. We moved everything out of the office and put it in one of the living room corners. Then we moved Seba’s bed, dresser and all the clothes we’d gotten him, into the other room.

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For the next seven months time played tricks on me. The days were excruciatingly long but the weeks flew by. It was really hard to see Sean every day. I got over what happened in short order. I apologized to him for what I’d said. But he had changed. He would never look me in the eye. And the times I did see his eyes ripped my heart out. The spark that had been there was gone. They were lifeless.

Pedro was awesome, within a short time he had found an electrician that would take me on as an apprentice with one condition. I had to go back to school and finish. It was nice having a job to go to again. It kept me out of the house.

Sean and I couldn’t seem to reconcile. Every time I entered a room he would leave. I couldn’t stand to see him so devastated and started doing the same thing. We always ate dinner as a family but that was the only time we were ever in the same room. While I spent my time working, he spent his with Ricky and their friends. I would see him occasionally walking down the street with his friends. He would never see me because I was inside working. He laughed and joked with his friends but I could see his eyes. The spark never returned.

As for me, the first night I slept in my new room the nightmares returned. They got so bad I was barely sleeping and I knew I was going to be in trouble at work if things didn’t change. I started drinking. I kept it as hidden as much as possible and I think only Sean realized what I was doing. He never said anything. The alcohol helped me sleep. It was never a good sleep. But it was enough to keep me out of trouble at work.

We all kept busy during the week. But Saturday was reserved for family. Pedro took us somewhere every Saturday. We visited some Jesuit ruins. We went to Paraguay and Brazil. My favorite trip was to Iguazu Fall’s. They are one of the seven natural wonders of the world for a good reason. Although we enjoyed those Saturday’s there was always a cloud hanging over us and they were never as good as they should have been.

Every couple of months Sean and Pedro would go back to the United States. Those weeks were the worst for me. I hated being alone and I drank a lot when they were gone. They were gone for Christmas but they both got me a gift.

Before I knew it we were in April, four more weeks and they would be leaving for good. Pedro was incredible he managed to arrange it so I would be able to live in the house when they were gone. I learned later that it was already paid for. They were going to leave me everything. The beds, the TV, the furniture, the computer, and everything else. I was overwhelmed with how much Pedro had taken me in. He also promised the judge that he would make sure I was taken care of until my 21st birthday so that I’d never have to go back to them. By then I would be out of school and no longer just an apprentice. And he kept his word. He deposited money in an account for me every month. It wasn’t excessive but I could live on it.

Finally the dreaded day arrived. They were leaving. I had tried all week to get Sean to talk to me but it was fruitless. He spent as much time as possible away from home. I didn’t want to get out of bed that morning but I knew I had to say goodbye. I went with them to the bus station. And then it was time. I was choked up so bad I couldn’t talk. I wanted to give Sean a hug that would show him how much I cared about him but as soon as our hands touched the others back he was pulling away. He didn’t look at me as he got on the bus.

Pedro held me for a long time. He leaned down and whispered.

“He hasn’t forgiven himself yet. Give him some time.”

He got on the bus and they were gone. I couldn’t breathe. I watched the bus until it disappeared, tears streaming down my face. As it turned the corner to leave my sight the words I’d wanted to say were screaming through my head.

Thank you for everything Sean. I owe you my life. I love you more than you will ever know.

Constructive criticism and comments gladly accepted. Please email me at yaalc@yahoo.com.

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