Ikle Bits - 1. When Love Comes Knocking

That moment you first discover love for another person is always seared into your psyche. An ever present reminder of what it is that inspires your heart to flutter, a constant memory of the excitement and thrill of that dawning of realisation.

It’s something that you never forget. Something that you seem to compare every other love to, a benchmark that you chase in the hope of once more discovering that surge of emotion that makes your heart want to burst within your chest, and blows your mind as you come to understand the powerful warmth, happiness and joy that love brings.

For me, it was simply extraordinary. I could never have imagined feeling love in such a way. Had never considered that it could so completely dominate my mind or fill me with these waves of almost electrical energy as I focused on the subject of my affections.

I would catch myself staring, lost in a middle earth, caught up in the possibilities, the opportunity, that delicious thrill of potential.

Lost in the power of my imagination, I’d fooled myself into a cocoon of wild creativity. An existence of happiness and acceptance.

However my reality is not quite as simple, nor would it seem as possible as I perhaps hoped or tricked myself into believing.

I mean how often does the straight man fall deeply and passionately for the stupid gay fool that falls head over heels in love with him?

Michael was the boy at the centre of my world. The object of my fascination and the subject of my fantasy. It was he that had captured and won my heart without even trying, without so much as raising a finger to actively encourage it. It was just the way it was.

A close friends brother, he was younger than us, boyish in so many ways, yet a man in many others. His eyes portrayed the depth and wisdom of a quietly strong young man. Hazel in colour they seemed sad in many ways, as if they had seem much and understood everything in a mere glance.

His face in my eyes was that of cupid himself. Stunningly cute, sporting a mop of thick dark brown hair which hung over amazingly arched thick eyelashes. His cheeks rosy and plump flowed into his adorable button nose. His lips....

Oh those lips, wonderfully poised, seemingly awaiting the breathless touch of a kiss, were the kind that just invited you to kiss them. His chin set and determined, balancing his features into the perfect blend of boyish adorability, yet also showing off the developing man.

As a swimmer he had the body of an athlete. Broad shoulders, a thick developed chest with proud muscular abs and pecs. At sixteen he already showed off a six pack and the definition of that angular v that pointed to his crotch.

His legs were thick and strong as were his arms. Both covered in a fine dusting of body hair that would grow thick with maturity, I’d convinced myself in my mind that they would fit perfectly curled around my body if we were to embrace.

His chest was smooth, his skin bronzed by the constant exposure to the sun, his nipples a dark copper colour giving shape and definition to that chiseled chest of his. Michael in the very simplest form was everything that any gay man would drool for.

The first time I’d met Michael was when I’d gone home from school with his brother after classes to do our homework together.

Peter had just joined my class that term and was himself a very good looking young man. We’d quickly become friends based on our shared interest of rugby. He was a keen winger with the build for speed and resourcefulness on the field, while I had the bulk and muscle of a prop.

Peter had needed help catching up on the work he’d missed out on during their move, and I’d agreed to be the one to provide that help. Little did I know the effect that commitment would have on my life.

That afternoon when we’d got to his house, we’d had lunch and then gone to his room, where Peter had proceeded to change out of his uniform in front of me.

Somewhat shocked by his boldness, I’d quietly watched him flex and seemingly show off his body as he slipped into his afternoon civvies.

Peter was a typical jock. A man’s man. Not really my kind of guy but then again I was still working out exactly what it was I liked. I knew men were very defiantly at the fore front of my mind when it came to attraction, but I was yet to find one that seriously confirmed for me that “gay” was my way.

We’d stayed in the bedroom, chatting about nothing in particular when he’d marched in.

Michael.

I was physically moved. Stunned would be a good way to describe it.

Hell I’d just been sitting there considering his brother as he changed, thinking that I’d not yet met the man that confirmed to me that I truly did prefer men over women, and suddenly here was this man I’d been seeking standing in the room looking at me sat on his bed.

I must have looked a right twit sat there with a dumbfounded look painted across my face, my jaw touching the floor.

He looked from me to his brother and then back at me, frozen in the doorway not sure what to do.

I remained frozen to his bed, and Peter just carried on chatting away as if nothing at all was happening.

“Pete, who is this?” Michael asked cocking his head in my direction.

I snapped out of my daze, realising that I’d been totally staring at this mirage of perfection before me.

If ever there had been an advert for checking someone out in the most obvious manner, I’d just made it. A furious blush hit my cheeks and I could feel the heat radiate from me as I rushed to cover the erection that had begun to tent my shorts.

“Mitch, this is Bob, my mate from school,” Peter said matter of factly. “He’s here to help me out.”

“Ok kiff,” Michael returned. “Hi,” he said looking at me. “I’m Michael.”

I nodded unable to speak through my abnormally dry mouth. I’d sat up and was awkwardly trying to avoid moving too suddenly afraid I was going to give myself away.

Peter chuckled as he seemed to read my situation and crossed the room to join me on his brothers bed.

“Yeah we are just going to chill this arvo bro,” he chortled as he looked diagonally at me. “Wanna join us?”

“Na, thanks I’ve gotta finish my bike,” Michael said crossing to the dresser unbuttoning his shirt.

Well, if I’d been quiet before I was positively silenced now. He was changing right there in front of me and I was going to see it all.

I reached down and picked up my satchel from the floor and put in directly on my lap very defiantly covering myself as I realised that I was in a state of complete erotic arousal. I don’t think I’d ever felt so hard before, I was certain that if he lowered his shorts I’d cream my pants.

I began digging in my bag, frantically looking for something, anything to drag my attention from the flesh that was being exposed before me.

I managed to dig out a copy of Lord of the Flies, the book Peter and I were doing for Literature in school, and looked over at him.

“Want to read,” I managed to squawk.

Peter burst out laughing. Hell even I wanted to giggle at the ridiculous pitch of my voice. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed that Michael was bent over, and he stood up in that moment, turning to look at me with a puzzled look on his face.

He was naked bar for his underwear, a skimpy pair of blue briefs that clung to that body in all the right places, showing off everything he had without showing me anything.

“Shit,” I exclaimed quietly, my breath escaping in a slow sigh as I drank in the image of that boy before me, his left eyebrow arched upwards in uncertainty as he peered at me, his hands unfolding a pair of black short shorts to pull on.

It was now clearly obvious that I was checking him out, he was aware of it, his brother was aware of it, and it dawned on me that they’d both become aware of it.

My face felt as if it was about to self combust, and I could hear Peter giggling in the background of the loud scream in my head. The scream that was shouting “Wow”, through my whole being as I looked at Michael.

In that split second, that fleeting moment, I knew. Hell yes I knew. There was no denying it, I’d let this boy do whatever the hell he wanted to me, in whatever manner he chose to do it in. Uh huh, I was gay, and this boy had confirmed it for me.

I dragged my eyes from Michael to glance at his brother.

In that fraction of a second that it’d dawned on me that this is who and what I was, fear had suddenly flooded my senses and I was afraid that now that they’d both realised I’d so obviously been perving on Michael that things were about to go tragically wrong for me.

I was mystified to find Peter smiling at me, so obviously enjoying watching me squirm as I fought to bring myself under control.

Michael had finished pulling his shorts on, and had reached for a bright yellow t shirt which he was stretching over his head as he wondered towards the door.

I watch his progress across the room, aware that he was about to leave the room. This man, no, this boy was about to walk out of the room and I suddenly felt panic in my stomach as I realised I was about to lose the very eye candy that had just driven a bolt through my heart.

Michael looked over at me as he approached the door.

“Nice to meet you Bob, you can close your mouth now dude!” and he was gone.

My mouth snapped shut and I turned to look at Peter.

He was quietly smiling, looking at me.

“He has that effect on everyone dude,” he said chuckling as he said it.

“What effect?” I asked suddenly very defensive.

Peter sniggered. “You have a crush my friend!”

He rose off the bed and crossed to the window where his bag lay reaching down to pick it up.

I looked down at the book in my hand, scared that I was this obvious to read. I didn’t quite know what to say.

“Um... I... Well...” I really, really didn’t know what to say.

“Dude,” Peter said turning to me. “I told you, he does this to everyone!”

“Does what?” I asked innocently, unsure of exactly what that meant.

“Everybody falls for Mitch, Bob. Crumbs even I did,” he said quietly.

“Bloody hell,” I murmured quietly.

“Exactly,” Peter said sitting down with his own copy of Lord of the Flies.

He opened the book to our current chapter and began reading aloud. I never really heard anything Peter read that afternoon. My mind was running amok with images of two brothers engaged in all manner of activities and none of those would I dare to talk of.

I wondered home in a haze of confusion. I’d learnt too much that afternoon, and most of it was ground breaking stuff but not the kind of information that helped my academic life. It was more stuff that would impact my life in ways far beyond my school days.

I mean I’d only really seen Michael once, yet I was captivated by his beauty. Obsessive even. Was this love or was it just plain lust? Hell, I was just seventeen, how could I answer that? I’d never experienced these feelings before, but one thing was certain, Michael had proved something to me that I’d long suspected.

I’d never really knew the answer to exactly what Peter had meant when he admitted to falling for his sibling. I never had the courage to ask him, and while we remained close friends it wasn’t until the emergence of facebook many years later that I’d discovered his own inclination as a gay man.

I finished my senior year that year watching Michael as a junior from a distance. He never really came near me after that day, I guess my obvious attraction to him had marked me as one to avoid. I’d watched him at swimming gala’s or waterpolo games. I’d seen him in the corridors at school or in the quad at break time.

I knew that while I never got to actually be with him, cherish him or express my love to him, I loved him still. He was after all, that first guy I ever really fell for, even if it was from a distance.