Here is Gone - 2. Chapter 2

My weekend passed mostly comforting Michelle and helping her get over Chase. At least she and Chase hadn't been that close. The pulling out was much easier unlike some other relationships. Some other meaning my last one. I had convinced myself that I was finally over it all that but my friends still didn't think so.

"How ya feeling man?" my friend Christian asked me on Monday morning.

Michelle and I were sitting outside eating cereal bars before class like usual. I looked up at him. "Fine."

"That's good." He gave that smile that seemed encouraging but really meant he didn't believe me.

I was fine. Really. I wasn't the same person that I had been but then I couldn't be. That was impossible. But I was okay now. I had found my peace.

"Yeah, I guess," I mumbled.

"Well, see ya later guys." He then walked off.

"I wish he wouldn't keep asking me that," I told Michelle

"He's just really concerned about you. That's all."

"Yeah. I get that. But still."

"What do you think of him by the way?"

"Christian? He's a great guy." I took a bite of my cereal bar.

"So you like him?"

I noticed Michelle was eyeing me weirdly.

"Yeah. Of course. As a friend," I stated evenly

"Oh, nothing more?"

I looked directly Michelle. "I can't think about another guy like that. I just can't."

Michelle just sighed. "Marcel, I understand that but you'll have to move on at some point. And Christian is a really nice guy."

"I know. It's just that I'm not at that point right now. I just need a little more time."

"Fine." With that Michelle got up and went to throw away her wrapper.

I watched her and then my eyes fell on Christian talking with some other friends in the distance.

Yeah, Christian was a really nice guy. Actually a really awesome guy. Everyone who knew him would say so. To be honest, I would have to agree with them too. Anyone would be lucky to have him

This past summer, Christian had always tried his best to be nice to me. He had come over to my house almost as many times as Michelle had. He had brought food. He had tried to take me out for a little fun. I felt a little bad for turning him away all those times. But I couldn't stand another guy caring for me like that. I wasn't ready for that. At least not then.

*****

Another sunny summer day. I closed the curtains of my bedroom window, shutting myself in a darkness that just seemed more appropriate. I walked backwards to my bed and then fell back, feeling the satisfaction of the soft mattress catching me. My eyes were staring up to the ceiling but my mind seemed to go beyond towards the sky, the clouds, all the way up to the heavens.

I was just trying to find him again. Anywhere. I was desperate. I just wanted to spend a few more minutes with his memory. Was that really too much to ask for?

My jumbled thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on my bedroom door.

"Marcel?"

I didn't get up or respond. I just stared anxiously at the door. The white painted door with the paint chipping off on the bottom. Maybe that should have been repainted sometime soon. The chipped paint didn't look appropriate. Sure, this was an old house, but that was no excuse to leave such chipped paint left untouched.

"Marcel? It's me, Christian."

He spoke in a paced voice as if he was judging every word before he said it. His voice betrayed no emotion. I was glad there wasn't any of that sympathy that I had heard in everyone else's voices when they heard about what had happened. There was no desperation that I heard in my parents' voices when I had been in my room for a bit too long. There wasn't even an uplifting tone that Michelle's voice carried in her hopes that everything was going to be okay. I could have used an even voice to talk to. That voice maybe could have done me good.

But I didn't answer the door.

After a few minutes I heard the footsteps retreating down the hallway.

Sigh. I was going to have to face him eventually. Tell him what neither he nor I wanted to hear. But it was the unsettling truth.

*****

Michelle almost had a break down when she happened to see Chase with his "other girl" during lunch. He walked past with his arms around Brittany. He didn't even stop to say anything to Michelle. He just walked past while whispering something into Brittany's ear which caused her to let out a little giggle.

"Just don't look," I advised as I saw her watching the pair walk off.

She looked back at me resolutely and gave a firm nod. "Yes."

"That bastard," she then cursed under breath unexpectedly causing me to chuckle.

A little laugh. It almost felt weird. Was I really laughing? I was sure I didn't do that anymore.

Michelle and I had been sitting alone at a round table for lunch as neither one of us was in the mood for conversation with our larger group of friends. I had actually felt that way ever since this school year started. I was in no mood to interact with all these people that I had known as my friends before. I just needed my Michelle and some space. And that's how it was. Michelle sat with me at that lonely table at every lunch.

My friends were pretty understanding. They kept a respectable distance from me ever since school had started. Of course, they talked occasionally and they always smiled at me when they saw me. But they didn't try to help me out or offer sympathies even though I was sure they were convinced that I needed help.

Only one person didn't really keep that respectable distance. I'm sure Christian meant well by trying to be there for me but he didn't understand that I didn't need him. I didn't need his attention. I didn't need it at all.

*****

I grabbed my sketchbook, picked out a few drawing pencils and sat down at a table in the corner of the art classroom to start my drawing. I placed the sketchbook on the table and flipped to an empty page. It wasn't too hard since most of the pages that had formerly contained drawings were no longer there. I ran my hand across the empty page, feeling the texture of the paper. I picked out a pencil and automatically started sketching the face and the eyes.

"Doing another portrait?"

I watched Christian sit down across from me with his sketchbook. I gave him a slight nod before looking down at my sketchbook again. I softly shaded the nose and mouth, giving careful attention to the lips.

"I think I'm going to start a landscape. Why don't you try doing one?"

I shrugged as I focused on the drawing as I mechanically added the final touches to the hair. My eyes were only looking straight at where I had carefully pressed the pencil against the paper.

"Marcel, how many times are you going to draw that?" he asked softly.

I closed my eyes. "Until I get it right," I answered.

"Why?"

I felt myself choking. "Because it has to be perfect."

"Marcel..."

I opened my eyes and I found myself staring at the portrait that I had just completed. I felt a lump in my throat and my eyes got teary. I sniffled as I wiped tears away.

The face of Jay stared back at me from the page.

Christian watched as I tore the page up and threw it in the trash can just like all the ones before.