Chicago Wildlife - 9. Polar Similars

Chicago Wildlife

Act 9: Polar Similars

Cid Cinders sat in the sauna, reading War and Peace again. He was rapidly approaching the point in the book where the pages were nigh unreadable due to all the blood. Cid was unperturbed. He had already memorized everything. Obtaining a novel novel around these parts was inconceivable regardless, as he was performing covert practices.

The walkie-talkie sprang to life.

“Hey! Get over here! I got the deets hammered out!”

Cid sighed and closed his tome. He lay prostrate, feeling lethargic, apprehensive towards the notion of trekking all the way to the other side of the abandoned hotel. Begrudgingly, he arose and exited the sauna, trudged across the hotel and to the security room. There, was his temporary partner in crime, Frederick Cole, aka Malartic. Judging Fred solely by exterior appearances, Cid wondered the limits of his tolerance with Fred. Cid was as cold and unmoving as they come, and Fred was a titanic sphere of fiery energy, unable to stay placated for long. It exhausted Cid just to interact with Fred, but he had to admit that they made a formidable team.

“I’ve decided to go ahead with the original plan to rob the Field Museum of Natural History of its Nano Wrimo Diamond!”

“We were usurped via Disappearance performing that same heist just days ago. We discussed this already.”

“Dude, I’m just joking! You need to learn to lighten up a little! You light everything else up!”

“Punning like a prepubescent does not assist in successful plan manufacturing.”

“Whatever! So get this!”

Cid listened to Fred’s plan, and it was not a bad plan. Cid always lacked the ambition to plan intricate operations, and was chronically creatively dry. Fred was the artist here. It was part of the reason why Cid agreed to a partnership to begin with. Cid’s role was merely the muscle. However, he was a muscle that was getting paid and a muscle that could choke out Fred on a whim if he did not like his lot in life.

The operation was a basic hostage plan. Kidnap scores of people, including the mayor, receive the ransom money, and escape. Simple.

#

Fred had totally come up with an awesome plan to get lots of money! There was going to be a high-profile charity ball that night, where lots of rich people were going to be, including the mayor! All those clods, gathered tightly together in one place...it was perfect! He and Cid would infiltrate the ball wearing costumes, take everyone there as hostage, and demand that they give them all their money! And! They would also demand ransom money from the police! That would amount to, like, double the money they could make in one night! And once they had gotten all the money, they would create some chaos as a distraction and slip away in all the confusion! Fred loved chaos! The best part was that since everyone would live and get away, Fred and Cid could rob them again really soon! It was a master plan with so many layers in it, not even superheroes could see it!

Cid seemed to contain his excitement pretty well, all things considered! Fred had talked to him before about the dangers of keeping his feelings bottled up all the time, but ole Cid never seemed to change! He was a dependable man, though! He followed directions like a pro, and was a super powerhouse to boot! And Fred would never admit it, but he kinda liked the whole “fire and ice” theme they had going on there! Just like a villainous pair should be! He couldn’t wait to get things started!

“Oh, I can’t WAIT to get things started!” he yelled. “I’m going back to the freezer to get ready! I’ll signal for you when I’m ready to go!”

“Okay,” said Cid, who walked back to his quarters like a boss!

#

They had to mug an octogenarian miss for bus fare, but finally, Cid and Fred had arrived at the charity ball. Fred had expressed his desire to use his cryo-powers to create a cryo-slide to get to the ball post haste (he said he had seen it used plenty of times in comic books before), but Cid pointed out that it would be too noticeable, and that the point was to NOT bring undue attention to themselves until they had entered the building. Cid decided to wear a red suit, complete with matching red tie, red pants, and red gloves. Fred, of course, duplicated, but replaced “red” with “blue.” They were noticeable, yes, but their faces were unknown to the throng of socialites, and thus were not suspected of any ill intent.

“Okay, I’ll go in and scope the place out!” Fred said in a loud whisper. “I’m more sociable than you, so I can blend in easier than you can! You can stay here and keep an eye out for any trouble!”

“And if I do?” asked Cid. “How can I signal you? We dispensed with the walkie-talkies back at the hotel.”

“Just come find me! I’m the one in the blue suit!” Fred responded in his natural tone, gestured at himself, looking like the cockiest man alive, and waltzed into the ball.

Cid disapproved with the answer’s sufficiency, but had no superior one, and so he rotated around to watch for any interlopers.

#

Fred entered the ballroom and was so pleased! So many victims! So many “volunteers!” And he bet that almost all of them brought their checkbooks, so even lack of cash or jewelry on them didn’t exclude them from the fun! Yoo-hoo, any obvious superheroes in the room?! Nope! None that he could tell! Only some stupid guards with guns! Now, where was the mayor?! Surely he would’ve arrived before all the guests! But all the men were wearing the same black and white tux! It was frustratingly difficult to find him in a sea of bland men!

A woman decked out in faux fur suddenly bumped into him!

“Oh so terribly sorry!” she said. “Oh my, glad to see a man with some pizzazz around here.”

Fred couldn’t help but to smile!

“I like to dress as sharp as an ice pick! Say, have you seen the mayor?!”

#

Cid stood outside, watching pedestrians pool into the building. He crossed his arms and hoped that he looked like someone waiting for another fellow to rendezvous, not a felon about to commit a premeditated, multimillion dollar crime. Just then, three costumed people rounded a corner, while flying, and landed near the building. Upon closer inspection, it appeared that only one of them was flying, merely carrying the other two. Cid immediately concluded that their presence brought a major problem. Cid and Fred figured that armed guards would be at the occasion, but not superheroes. Cid recognized the three heroes. Phoczar, a Russian man in a metallic suit, with the ability to project energy beams, painful ones at that, from his palms. Spinetingler, a soldier capable of sprouting nanomachines from his spinal cord. Mother Nature, a woman with shapeshifting abilities. Unfortunately for Cid and Fred, these three were actually somewhat dangerous foes to be dealt with.

Cid had to think fast. Could he dissuade them from entering the building in his public persona? Would he have to engage them in a tussle (in “costume,” using powers)? Could he get Fred’s attention unbeknownst to them? Or tip his hand as to his backup’s existence? Should he tarry until all parties consolidated in the building before striking? Possibly use the people in there as potential collateral damage? Maybe abandon the entire plan? Could the two of them take on three superheroes?

Decisions were made. The plan had to continue, and that meant sullying his hands, loathe as he wanted. There was insufficient time to formulate unobtrusive, peaceful options. Thus, Cid power-walked to the side of the building and made sure he was unobserved. He then concentrated, felt himself briefly feel hot, before feeling rather cold. In the interim between sensations, his body combusted, incinerating all of his garments in an instant. Cid’s newfound appearance looked like an exposed mummy, surrounded by an aura of fire. The chill of the night air rendered him cold, as he was naturally numb to the feeling of his own flames. He then jolted out of the alleyway he was in and located the nearest important-looking building. Cid whipped a hand outwards and a stream of fire burst forth, blasting in the windows of the building and no doubt setting ablaze a lot of belongings inside. He looked up and realized the burning building coincidentally was a bank. He glanced over and confirmed that he had attracted the attention of the three heroes.

“Oh. Hello. I did not see you there.”

“You’re under arrest for damage of property and attempted robbery!” yelled Mother Nature, transforming into an anaconda.

“I decline, and opt for the route where I obtain mass quantities of currency.”

Cid then rapid-fired fireballs aimed at the heroes, who easily dodged them. Phoczar levitated into the air, charged energy into his hands, and started flinging his own kind of fireballs at Cid. Spinetingler sprouted mechanical arms out from his back in such a way as to tip off the fact that he was familiar with Spider-Man villains, and he clambered towards Cid. Mother Nature, as an anaconda, slithered her way towards Cid.

Cid’s fireballs connected with Phoczar’s, inciting an explosion. Concurrently, to put distance between him and the heroes, Cid channeled his inner flame, causing himself to levitate, in which he directed himself backwards and away. The mechanics that allowed him to do this were safely hidden away behind the mutilated and bloated corpse of what once was logic. For added defense, Cid threw a fireball to the ground and commanded it to grow rapidly into a literal fire wall. Spinetingler leapt through the wall regardless.

“Keep resisting,” Spinetingler espoused, a worryingly sadistic smile plastered across his face. “It gives me all the more cause to beat you to a bloody pulp.”

“I hate to burn your dreams into ashes,” Cid replied. “Desist or you will get a thorough scalding.”

“Can it with the fire puns!” Spinetingler yelled back, throwing one of his tentacles at Cid as a punch.

Cid dodged, but before Spinetingler could launch another, an explosion presented itself, coming from where the ball was being held. Cid thought to himself: ‘That ignoramus could not even wait ten minutes before acting.’

#

Fred certainly had everyone’s attention now! After locating the mayor, he had slipped into the men’s bathroom without anyone suspecting! And then, after making sure that the coast was clear, he transformed! Spiky icicles jutted from all over his body, piercing through his nice suit like a pincushion! They grew and grew, hundreds of them! His skin iced over, turning the specific hue of blue that one would expect a walking iceberg to look like! His hair had turned into icy spikes, his face was unrecognizable, his suit lay tattered on the floor… and the water in the toilet froze solid! He bolted straight out of the bathroom and into the main lobby!

“Everybody freeze!” he shouted!

Can’t go wrong with the classic lines!

With a sweep of his chilly hand, Fred released a wave of ice across the floor, freezing everyone in place! Oh how they shrilled and shrieked! Fred was so giddy at his plan coming along, he couldn’t help but to laugh evilly! He darted his way over to the mayor, and then he noticed that what little law enforcement there was had drawn their guns!

“Chill out, copsicles!”

Another sweeping motion, and Fred shot out a beam of ice, encasing the guns, as well as the hands of the police, rendering the guns useless! Fred formed an ice gun in his hand and pointed it at the mayor!

“Here’s the deal, folks! We’re…erm, I’m here to take your generous donations towards our…um…my personal funds! And IF you’re so inclined to keep your fat paychecks to yourself…”

Fred then raised his gun to the air and attempted to fire off a warning shot! However! In his fervor, he accidentally charged too much into that shot, and so what was a shot ended up becoming more like cannon fire, causing a large eruption to happen on the roof! Everyone screamed bloody murder, and while that isn’t what Fred was going for, he certainly didn’t mind letting everyone bear witness to his raw strength! He giggled a little at his incredible show of power!

“Haha, well that’s not the ice-pick lobotomy I was going for, but I think that’s just as good! Let’s just say that no amount of ice packs are going to make our dear mayor feel any better after something like that happens inside his head!”

The people were still panicking! The cowards!

“Now if you’ll please hand over all your shiny goods!”

Just then, the doors are blown off their hinges by the force of Cid’s body being thrown through them!

#

Cid could not fathom how Mother Nature managed to sneak past his fire wall. What he could ascertain was that being grabbed by an angry silverback gorilla and tossed through the doors of an exploding building was no fun. He would prefer not to do that again. He glanced around and saw ice everywhere. If he was not currently a being composed almost entirely of flames, he was sure that he would be shivering right now. It looked like Fred had already introduced himself to the live captive audience. This was not going according to plan, not at all. In order to avoid incarceration, perhaps they would need to call off the attack and make a clean getaway.

“Yo, C.C.! Light of the party! Fancy crashing into you here! Or you crashing into me! Whatever!” shouted Fred.

He looked like he was in no mood to quietly retreat into the night with nothing gained. Just then, Phoczar entered through the gap in the wall that was once the doors.

“Of course. Where one of you is, the other is sure to be there as well,” he said.

A fact Cid wished other people had not keyed into so quickly. Perhaps distancing himself from Fred would prove to be beneficial. Before he had any more time to ponder to himself, Spinetingler and Mother Nature, now shaped like a Velociraptor, entered the ballroom as well.

“And you brought friends!” chimed Fred.

“Of course Malartic is here as well,” whined Spinetingler.

“Cease and desist at once!” yelled Mother Nature, somehow, even though Cid was fairly certain that Velociraptors aren’t…weren’t capable of human speech. Though how could he know with absolute certainty? They went extinct long before he had any time to observe them clinically.

“I think all our latecomers missed the part where I had an icicle-shooting gun pointed at the mayor’s head! And also threatened to explode it! Maybe they missed that part, too!”

“Cease and desist that action as well!” she…wait, what? Did…did she really say that with a straight face? This act of stupidity gave even the highly improvising and adaptive Fred pause. It certainly rendered Cid gobsmacked. He looked to Fred for guidance, a rare occurrence indeed.

“No,” was the only answer Cid could supply on such short notice.

It was then that all hell broke loose.

#

Fred guessed the Trio of Stupids didn’t like that response! Not one bit!

“Then prepared to be beaten into submission!” Mother Nature warned!

Fred’s bestest friend Cid decided to stop holding back and just unleashed a heatwave of fire at the heroes! Phoczar used his fancy lasers to shield himself from the flames! It was so cool how lasers can do anything when you stop thinking and learn to appreciate the spectacle! Spinetingler had his mechanical tentacles protect himself from harm! And holy shit, is that a polar bear leaping through the flames?! A paw swiped at poor Cid, which would have knocked him out if he hadn’t dodged to the side at the last second!

Fred was getting fired up now! He didn’t want to be left out of the fun! He shoved the mayor off to the side, produced some extra-sharp icicles on his fingertips, and ejected them with alarming precision at Phoczar’s neck! Phoczar managed to block all but one of them, but one is all that matters when a sharp, piercing object is being hurled towards you! However, it only managed to graze his neck! No comically tragic bleeding out from the neck tonight! Fred could only gleefully guess how long Phoczar could last before he would start to get woozy!

Laser blasts! Lickity-split knives! Did you know that Spinetingler could shoot tiny little knives out of his tentacles like they were pneumatic tubes?! Fred sure did now! Mother Nature was spitting acid at them, which is definitely something Fred knew dinosaurs could do! Fireballs! Ice shards! Everything was flying everywhere! An explosion!

Before anyone knew it, all fighters had somehow made their way out of the building and onto the streets! Fred and Cid looked like ice and fire golems, respectfully, and particularly menacing ones at that! The heroes, unfortunately, looked just as menacing!

Fred and Cid didn’t even have to look at each other to know what the other was thinking! After sooooo many battles together, they knew each other’s strengths and weaknesses, such as Fred’s proficiency in aerial combat, and Cid’s ability to think two steps ahead of everyone! So Fred shot up into the sky by making ice pillars and standing atop one of them! Phoczar came flying around, aiming his arm for a precision strike against Cid! Fred formed ice balls the size of softballs in his hands and flung them fast and hard, straight at the flying tin can! The attacks connected, disrupting Phoczar and causing him to turn to Fred!

“Hey, Copper Man! You ain’t about to forget about me, are you?! I can do this all day!”

#

Cid realized that they most certainly could not do this all day. The two of them together weren’t exactly powerless, but they were not nearly powerful enough to combat three veteran superheroes unassisted. To make matters worse, Fred had impulsively left the mayor’s side, meaning their one leverage was now voided, and no one donning any expensive jewelry was going to be astoundingly obtuse enough to loiter around still when a five-man superpower brawl was going on. The mission had been a total bust, and now an escape plan had to be concocted on the fly. If only he could convey the importance of that towards Fred over Fred’s blind enthusiasm over getting into a ruckus with formidable antagonizers.

“Time to serve up some magma on the rocks,” Cid said, using the special phrase only he and Fred knew the meaning of.

“What’d you say?! Oh, okay!” he yelled.

Fred built a wall of ice separating them from their aggressors. Cid then threw a multitude of super-hot fireballs at the wall, resulting in a huge amount of steam to form. Cid subsequently decided to book it, not really caring if Fred opted to stay behind and fight some more. Cid could only barely hear voices coming from the other side of the wall.

“Phoczar!”

“He is bleeding from the neck.”

“Let’s get him to the hospital, now.”

Fred caught up to Cid.

“Why’re we running away?! Let’s let them have it!”

“All we’d have is two very ornery superheroes beating us to a pulp, and no money. This plan failed. It’s time to retreat and think of a new one.”

Once the two were in the clear and were sure that no one had seen them, they resumed their normal-looking selves, dressed themselves using one of their hidden caches of clothes, and hightailed it back to their hideout. Fred burned off all his clothes besides his boxers and started pacing.

“Aw man, we were so close this time!”

“We couldn’t have predicted that three veteran superheroes would be in the area tonight.”

“Sure made it a lot more interesting, though!”

“And why did you let go of the mayor when we could have used him as leverage?”

“Aw snap! I wasn’t even thinking! I just wanted to join in on the fun! Hey, maybe next time you should be the one to stick someone up!”

“It’s not very practical to try the same move twice in a row. Plus, when are they going to hold another fancy ball like this after tonight?”

“Aw man, why do you have to be such a downer?! I’m going to my room to cook up something great!”

And without waiting for a reply, Fred zipped right off to his room. This left Cid with time to think. What variables were in play that caused tonight to go so wrong? How could they mitigate them in the future? And what should their next plan be? It would take weeks to come up with a carefully formulated plan that could be expertly pulled off.

#

Fred had an excellent plan to strike it rich! They could rig a bomb to explode! But only if it plays the entirety of Never Gonna Give You Up! And they would use tigers to carry the bomb around everywhere! And in order for the bomb to blow up, they would have to do a secret handshake first! And they would threaten the city with the bomb by playing it on a commercial! And their ransom demands would be announced by Zendaya! No wait, Jennifer Aniston! And their demands would be one million dollars! Just for the lolz! And! And!