Wow

So it's been a bit of a hiatus for the Yettie of late. I've been pretty bad in terms of sticking to my chosen story, keeping my head down, and dealing with the various issues life's cast my way. Allow me to rant and rave for a while if I may, and try bring those of you that read up to speed.

So

The first real issue that kind of made me duck under the radar if you will was an official offer received in writing from a Radio Station that I have been consulting too for a number of months now. They have a dream of starting a community Radio Station here in the UK that will teach and train young African people in the skills of sound management recording, producing, presenting and broadcasting in order that they can take these skills back to Africa and use them to develop Radio and Broadcasting on the continent. Big ideas. I approve. But suddenly I was faced with a formal job offer for a senior management position on the team, and this threw me into a quandary.

As many of you will know, in addition to a job I am lucky enough to be able to do from home for a National Radio Station, I also have my own business, and am a full time carer for my mother. Now in recent months mom's health has really begun to dwindle. More so her memory than anything else, and where as before I could leave her for the daylight hours in fairly firm comfort that she would be alright, now this is no longer the case, and therefore, how on earth would I realistically be able to consider a full time position?

If I am to be blatantly honest, my first reaction after the excitement calmed down, was to realise that I would have to turn this position down, and as it has been something I've been working towards for so damn long, that idea hurt like hell. I hate to admit it, and it appals me to write this, but for a time my anger lead to resentment. I was so angry that I would have to sacrifice a big career opportunity to fulfil my duty to my family. Many years ago now, when things went to pot back in Africa, I came to the acceptance that as I'm the only one of my siblings not married with kids, the responsibility of long term care in later life would fall to me, and after loosing everything to politics and land acquisitions in Zimbabwe, my parents really didn't have much of a choice when it came to retirement.

As I worked through my feelings, I was challenged by guilt at feeling robbed of a chance I'd die for in any other circumstance. I felt disappointed that this is my lot. I felt self pity, loathing, ah hell all sorts of things, and dealing with that is honestly not at all easy. But this is my mom, and I cannot turn my back on her in her hour of need? Right?

So with a heavy heart I turned down the position.

The next big kick was to get news from my sister that her Cancer had returned and she'd have to undergo yet another treatment of Chemo followed by a battery of Radiation in the New Year, and she'd also go onto HRT. Now I watched my father wither away to cancer a number of years ago, and while I am not really very close to many of my siblings, I am close to the one with Cancer.

In addition to this, a guy that has become a really very special friend to me, also suffers with this terrible curse, and has had a battle from hell with the illness. We don't talk as often as I wished we could, but when we do I can only but choke up behind a keyboard as I read of his struggles and tribulations.

But you know what?

Through all the pain, hurt, suffering, both my mate and my sister have to be the strongest people I know, and my heart cries out for them so. They are fighting. They are desperate to enjoy every single moment they are given, and I can't help but feel anger and bitterness at the unfairness of it.

It is difficult to deal with you know?

In the midst of all this chaos of personal and family health issues, job disappointments, emotional roller coasters, along goes the Young Musician whom I manage and lands himself a fat old recording contract. Well, actually we landed him the contract, but yeah, you get the idea.

Cause for celebration?

Hell yes, but celebration with a heavy heart, a fake smile on my face, and the knowledge that I'm not fooling anyone when I pretend to be alright.

He's on tour in Africa right now as I write, and in a way I've kind of enjoyed having the additional buzz and energy of the demands of preparing for a tour. But it's left me shattered, tired and mentally worn out.

Blogging which I love doing has been flung to the wayside. Emails, messages, SMS's. Just some me time you know? It just don't really exist right now. Some days I feel like a clown in a circus act desperately trying to juggle chain saws.

LOL

"Drama Queen", I hear you all saying. Don't worry, I don't mind you thinking it, I've thought it myself often enough.

There are times in life when you wonder how in the heck you are meant to cope, but you know what, when it comes to it, you just find a way to do it. We have to in order to survive. We adapt, change, suit our circumstances. We learn to swallow disappointment and get on with life. We learn to celebrate the good things, laugh at the funny things, cry when we are moved, and get angry when something pisses us off. This is what humanity is right?

As I sit here writing this, I am struck that I am not alone. I am not the only person that has had a rough spell of it recently. I'm not unusual or any kind of exception to the rule. I am like most of us, and while I may not deal with these things the same way as any one of you, I have found a way to cope. While my feelings and thoughts may plague me, cause me to worry and fret, feel guilty and evoke emotions I struggle to contain, I can still stand proud as I've stood the test of time, stuck to my duty and been the one that was there when it counted. I don't mind sharing this with each of you, to be able to say those words holds more value to me than anything else could. I hope you can understand this.

So while I have been missing of late, I've been around. Surviving, enjoying Circumnavigation when I chill out before going to sleep, quietly watching comments and posts. There. Not visible but near, watching over my little circle of friends, smiling at your wins, frowning at your silly moments, and just as fond of you all today as I've ever been.

There is one good thing that has come out of all of this. The owner of the Radio Station came to see me to ask why I'd turned down the position with the station. I explained things, and he left saying he admired and accepted my decision. I felt really good about that, but not as good as I felt when he called me a few days later, and told me that the Board of Directors had decided to extend the offer to include an entitlement to work from home while I am in my current circumstances. It may mean that if I do accept the new offer I may eventually have to move, but hey. Sometimes doing the right thing makes the right set of results happen for us in the long run right?

Hugs, hello's, love and Yettie cuddles to you all. Get in touch, lemme know how you all been.

Thought for today - "Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But sometimes, knowing which decisions to take can be the most painful of all..." - José N. Harris

Song for today - Shinning Light by Ash