Thanks for this TZ. First a question. You say you had not planned to dwell on Bobby's failure. What then would have been the "tragedy", given that Justin succeeds? Maybe I answer my own question below.

 

Next, you are, of course, harder on yourself than most or all us readers are. Case in point: My own ratings of some the shortcomings you allege, from 0 = "didn't care" to 3 = "bothered me a lot".

 

- Justin's Yankeeness given short shrift: 0 [One can easily guess.]

- Justin's hassles given short shrift: 0 [We eventually find out; good enough.]

- Justin's parents not there: 2

- Melanie and Rick fall away at the end: 2

- No religion: 1 [Neither Justin nor his parents are religious, I assume. Fine.]

- Bobby's breakdown poorly motivated: 3*

- Final chapter (Mrs. Greene) mostly dialog: 1 [better dialog could have sufficed.]

- Characters physical appearance not described fully: 0 [Adequate to advance to plot.]

 

* This rating may be unfair. This story is not primarily about Bobby. If I take the central tragedy to be Justin's role in Bobby's breakdown, or as Trevor points out, the pernicious deviation of perception from reality, then that's rather well explained.

Thanks for this TZ. First a question. You say you had not planned to dwell on Bobby's failure. What then would have been the "tragedy", given that Justin succeeds?

The tragedy's ultimately Bobby's, and Justin and Bobby's relationship. I'd had the first draft of the story mosty written before I started getting things edited, so I realized how things worked out by the time the first chapter went out. It wasn't meant to have a streak of tragedy running through it, but it ended up with one anyway.

 

Next, you are, of course, harder on yourself than most or all us readers are.

Yep, that's pretty common from what I can tell. I know how things are supposed to be, while the readers only know what I've written. It's the mismatch that causes the consternation.

 

Case in point: My own ratings of some the shortcomings you allege, from 0 = "didn't care" to 3 = "bothered me a lot".

- Justin's parents not there: 2

- Melanie and Rick fall away at the end: 2

- Bobby's breakdown poorly motivated: 3*

 

* This rating may be unfair. This story is not primarily about Bobby. If I take the central tragedy to be Justin's role in Bobby's breakdown, or as Trevor points out, the pernicious deviation of perception from reality, then that's rather well explained.

Those three are biggies -- the first two are problems in the plotting, the third is a problem in the execution. Justin's parents never figured into the story and they should have, and Melanie and Rick just faded away and they shouldn't have (or if they did it should've been made clearer why)

 

Rob's breakdown was fully motivated, but the problem is that I didn't make the motivation clear -- even though Justin wouldn't understand it, he would've seen what was going on and that should've made it clear to the reader.

 

Now I'm tempted to go back and rewrite the last three or four chapters, and the three or four chapters I should've written but didn't.