I have a set of values I tend to try to live my life by, nowadays.  I've culled these from various sources, trying to be as objective as possible when evaluating how this can impact my life without regard for where I initially picked up the idea.  Like for instance, a lot of what I believe and try to live by is blatantly stolen from Christianity, which would have once left a sour taste in my mouth, but now I recognize it for what it is.  It's just a good idea with a sordid past because of people who preached a particular tenet and then didn't live by it.  Doesn't mean it wasn't a good idea, just it was appropriated by not-so-good people at some point.  

 

I say that to lead up to an event that has transpired recently.  I have made it a point to never, never lie anymore.  No matter how uncomfortable it may be, or how awkward it can make things, I just don't do it.  I'd rather be an honest asshole than a fucking liar.  And before you say it, I know that yes, there is a point where that could be taken too far, but I still find radical honesty to be a good thing in my everyday life.  As with everything in life, that gets broken down further as you begin to add nuances to the value itself.  So my core value could be summed up as simply "Never lie, no matter what".

 

Another point I've taken from a different source expounds upon that.  "Especially do not feign affection."  I feel like that's the worst of all the lies one can tell.  It's not only a lie, but a malicious lie at that.  It's a lie wherein the very nature of the lie is going to cause more harm than it could ever produce good.  Ya feel me?  

 

Anyway, suffice to say, I started dating again.  I know, I'm supposed to be careful about that sort of thing, given the whole trying to be sober and productive deal.  But let's face it, sometimes I get lonely, and it is very nice to know that I still have a modicum of game left.  And man, ironically enough, I have much more than a modicum.  So here's the skinny, you guys and gals.

 

I was seeing a gentleman named Brian.  He's a sweet guy.  Moderately attractive, a little younger than I am, fairly good head on his shoulders, not what I'd call perfect by any means but therein is a large part of his charm.  He might not be rich, he might not be stunningly handsome, but he's genuine, and witty, and when he senses there's something wrong he's not afraid to back you up however he can just because he is your friend and wants to see you happy and successful.  So in my book, great friend, and I'll be keeping him.  He's already been notified that he's been collected and he belongs to me now.  

 

So we went on a couple dates and generally hung out.  I made it extraordinarily clear from the beginning exactly what my situation is, that I have no idea what I want out of a relationship right now, and that the only thing I'm offering is companionship, friendship, and generally wanting to see what happens if we hang around each other.

 

Fast forward a little.  Brian and I had been talking and hanging out, having fun, nothing crazy.  Out of nowhere, a guy I've had a crush on for more than ten years decided he wanted another chance.  I harbored a lot of thoughts like "Well last time it was really my fault, wasn't it?  I mean I wasn't the best person, and the circumstances were wrong, and maybe there's something to this..."

 

You know I was going to go for it, probably, regardless of what he really said.  Then he started doing things to really make me believe him.  He started talking about moving in together, a future together, doing things for me that he didn't have to do... like trying to buy things for me, going apartment hunting and sending me photos and videos like "Wouldn't this make a cute office for you?", that sort of thing.  It really got to me, I was like finally, someone who understands what I mean when I say I think about things in longer terms than most people.

 

Btw his name is Ryan.  Actually though, that's his middle name, and his first name is Chad.  Not to be insensitive to all of you kind souls accidentally named Chad, but Chad is a notoriously douchey name, so we're gonna call him Chad now, okay?

 

So I told Brian immediately and told him I wanted to continue being his friend just as I'd originally said from the outset, that nothing had changed there, and he understood immediately.  He was a little bummed but not upset, and we have remained amicable and we still talk every day.  But I had to give Ryan, goddamnit I'm sorry I mean CHAD, that cunt, a chance.  You know how that is, when you have that drastically idealized image of a person in your head and you're just like I MUST HAVE THEM.

 

Long story short, I knew something was going on with Chad probably a week after we started dating.  Things just weren't fully adding up.  It was like he was trying to distract me from any real conversations we might have.  I knew he had some insecurity issues, and he's also got some lingering crazy (but come on, what gay man raised in South Mississippi got out of that unscathed?).  We spent a week together at my place because he drives for a living so he's hardly ever in one spot for long, but he had vacation time to use.  

 

At first, everything seemed fine.  There was one major thing getting to me, though.  All of his affection felt forced, almost.  Like he'd hug me, or kiss me, or touch me, but it didn't feel 'right' somehow.  I mean I thought perhaps I was just paranoid, at one point I fell asleep on the couch while we were watching some show and he picked me up and carried me to bed (WHO DOES THAT?!).  So you can understand how at first I thought perhaps I was carrying on about nothing.

 

He finally leaves, and I texted him like I always do, and the conversation eventually led to this whole feeling I got.  He went silent.  It was like I got ghosted outta nowhere for two days.  And I was upset!  I like to think I'm a big boy and other people don't affect me, but damn it, I liked that little fucker and I spent time, effort, and money on him.  Back in the day I would've gone completely insane, like to the point of making him HATE ME by the time I was done with him.  But no, I've gotten a bit better, so I just let it go, kept my calm.  Eventually, I texted him and told him he's been quiet, which is so unlike him that it's obvious something is going on.  He tried to deny that, and I told him point blank that I didn't believe him and pointed at my evidence calmly and asked him what was going on.  

 

Turns out, it's exactly what my worst fear was.  He decided he's not interested in me in that particular way.  He still wants us to be friends, and I do believe him on that point.  Sorry, though, but I can't be his friend anymore.  I understand that may be selfish of me, but I'm definitely not interested in being around someone who would do that to me.  He had full context of my position, full understanding of my feelings, and he still chose to not raise this issue but forced me to pry it out of him.  Which if I hadn't, I could still be wasting my time for God knows how long until we had time to spend together again in person and the issue cropped up again.

 

I'm not about that fake life, sir.  He has all these ideas about how his partner should be, how his life should be, how he wants things to turn out.  And he gets frustrated when things fall apart or don't live up to his unrealistic standards.  

 

And please don't think I'm faulting him for not being into me.  I can completely understand how attraction works in a relationship, and if it isn't there it simply isn't, there's no fixing that or changing it.  What I am faulting him for is for feigning affection.  That is a lie.  It is a malicious, hurtful lie.  

 

I'll admit I spent two days lying in bed wondering what was wrong with me, what I could have done better, how I should've handled things to avoid this.  What I eventually got out of that two days was just a small life lesson.  Never stay alone with dark thoughts.  Most of your fears come from things like stress, being tired, being alone, being in pain, etc.  You can never make choices for other people or control how they act, but you can control how you respond to your surroundings.  

 

I just chose not to be sad about it.  It was a quick lesson in the grand scheme of things, it only took a couple of months for me to figure it out.  It doesn't give me any reason to believe that I'm destined to be alone forever.  It also doesn't mean that everyone in the world is going to be like that.  

 

Also, I fully realize I sound like a twelve-year-old girl right now, and this sounds insignificant, even trivial.  Here's why it's significant to me.  I have spent more than a year in mind numbing physical pain.  I have spent most of that year wondering if I'm going to die soon, sooner, or now.  Last night, for the first time since August of last year, I slept on my tummy again (dude it still hurt but oh dear sweet Christ there's something about sleeping on your stomach and the pressure it takes off all your other parts that's just so fucking NICE).  I convinced myself, with dark imaginings that were spawned from that pain and hopelessness, that I'd be alone forever and that no one really would love me or care about me ever again.  I was in a bad, bad place.

 

I trusted this person with a small piece of myself.  I said to them "I don't have much of me left, most of it is gone, but there's a piece I mean for you to have.  Here, this is for you.  Please take care of it."  The fact that I could do that makes me deliriously happy regardless of what they did with that part of me.  I didn't think there was much left of me to give at all, but after all this has been said and done, I've realized that somehow or other, there's a lot more left of me than I thought.

 

Ever since we started dating, and even now that things have fallen apart, I've noticed kindness in the world much more than I once did.  My heart swells up at it sometimes.  I know it doesn't mean much to the average person, but sometimes a gentleman will hold a door for me and I thank them as sincerely as I possibly can because you know what?  Some days it's hard for me to open heavy doors by myself.  They don't know that, they can't know that, but they did it for me out of the simple kindness of their heart.  

 

A lady at the gas station I always go to always has something kind to say to me, and she has no reason to.  She's an Indian lady, you can tell she knows basic English, she's out of her element down here in Alabama, and she is always the one working there.  Always.  No matter when I go.  Eight in the morning, ten at night.  By all rights she should be tired, cynical, and angry.  But she's not.  She says hello, she calls out to me and asks me how my day has been, she commiserates on small annoyances and shares her small grievances as well, and by the end of it we are both smiling and wishing each other a happy rest of the day.

 

At the company I work for, I was on a leave of absence for just under a year.  I missed all the events they had, and a ton of other stuff.  Since I've been back they asked my opinion on certain process changes that were made in my absence and to be honest, this stuff was making my life hell.  It was redundant, inappropriate, totally wrong in a customer service environment... I mean that's a whole essay I wrote them about it.  Had a meeting a few days later and they said "Good news!  We hate this, too!  Your way seems better!  Let's do that for a while."  I was like um... seriously?  And then they called and told me to come get a new computer because they're upgrading and my old one sucks too much to be upgraded, lol.  And while I was in there picking up new equipment the lady that works in HR came up and handed me a gigantic company-branded tote bag filled with random merch from the past year.  Shirts, hats, pens, pins, lanyards, journals, stationary, all kinda randomness.  "You missed everything, so I saved some stuff for you."  

 

That might not seem like a lot to you, but to know that someone went out of their way over the course of a year to make sure I didn't miss out on small things that make you smile as an employee... that's a nice fuckin' lady, yo.

 

Sometimes I have customers that are amazing as well.  I'll be going about my business, because I make it a point to treat all of my customers with the same level of respect and genuine looking out for their best interests.  I had a man just the other day, we had a complicated situation, I mean a really complicated situation.  It gave me about five seconds pause before I started talking, which means if you took one of my new people and asked them this they'd have just frozen and started crying at the complexity.  But if I'm anything, I am one capable bastard at work.  I threw in all my tricks of the trade, rearranged a lot of things, kept it as simple as I could, tied it all up in a nice bow at the end for him and just asked "I know that was a lot, so do you have any questions about what we've discussed?"  His reply?  "When will you quit and come work for me instead?"  Which is a nice compliment until you google this man and figure out that he's the CEO of a company that deals in grain futures, whatever that really means, and he's worth a hefty penny (his first name is also the name of one of my cats, so the whole time we were talking I was struggling so hard not to meow at him and ask if he needed scritches).  "Yes, mister fluffy-pants, I understand you need a very nice car for your clients, but kit-kats cannot drive convertibles, yes?  Have you ever driven a meowtervehicle before?  I'm not kitten around.  Do you even have the required depawsit?  We don't take beans, no sir."

 

So I guess, moral of the story?  Be brutally honest.  Be unfailingly kind.  Never feign affection.  Don't stay alone with your demons, they will win if you do.  Above all else, remember that you don't know everyone's full story, and that small act of kindness of which you barely thought, can make a huge difference to a stranger.

 

I love you all, thanks for listening to my crazed word salad of a blog entry.  Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, oh whatever the fuck you wanna call it, just have a jolly AF winter happy time, yo.