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About Razor

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  1. Razor


    I'll list my replies in the format of your paragraphs: 1.) Sometimes it hurts and you have to say something. 2.) I get that but, if I really wanted to live in this world, if I really wanted to be anything, I would know this. Public is better, because someone else there, they will know that someone came before. There are wolves, and I love you for having said so, but I don't have anything left to steal. 3.) See the preceding: come at me, bro. 4.) Thank you. Thank you - thank you, and thank you again. 5.) Be kind to yourself as well.
  2. Razor


    TBH, I feel like every single one of you will come for me right now, and I will be slapped over and over again with things I should not have done, things I should have done, I am terrified. But at this moment, I'm sad and I know that what I have been doing cannot last. Have I drank again? Well, one wonders. Sometimes, life is hard. This is one moment when I need help. I'm not going to say this in any other way than yes, I need your help. I'm supposed to do this, but I can't do it, and I need you. So, just to be honest, can you guys just... maybe be cool instead of hurtin
  3. Razor


    A surprising thing I've come to realize, which shouldn't be surprising, is that a lot of my anxiety and depression is not actually anxiety and depression. I will not say I am not anxious or depressed. Going outside of my house, talking to people, trying to interact in a normal way is a source of constant anxiety. I've always had an uneasy feeling about other people when dealing with them face to face. I don't like it. It opens me to allowing another person to stare at me, judge me, form an opinion of me, and possibly reject me. With that in mind, I've come to think that a lot of th
  4. Sometimes I be sitting here and I just think how surreal and strange life really is. I never imagined I would be sitting in Mobile, AL, with a stranger's liver, trying to find purpose in my life. I suppose it just goes to show that for all your careful planning and preparation, everything could be terribly doomed before you ever even start. Hard pill to swallow. I don't necessarily believe in fate, but I do think that sometimes coincidence is just too coincidental. This may be a psychological phenomenon materializing because I feel guilty for past choices, or useless, or sad,
  5. Okay, so, I will say this first. Do not be mean to your customer service people. No matter what, never start out a call being mean. You never know who you'll get. Sometimes you'll get me. And bitch I am good at my job, but woe unto the person who angers me. This woman today, last call of my day, continued to berate me and call me names and refuse to be cooperative whilst she was yelling at a police officer as well. Ms. Barbara was a handful, but like the professional I am, I attempted to make nice with her. I told her I understood and I could handle this quickly and we won't
  6. Razor

    New Toy

    I've been saying for years I would get around to learning how to play piano. I kinda started trying to pick it up in college, but there wasn't really anybody to explain to me basics and back in the day we didn't have all the wonders of the internet that we do today (omg I'm so old). Anyway, so I broke down and bought one! It's nothing crazy special, but I did make sure it had the full 88 keys and fully weighted hammer action keys and all that jazz so it's as close to a real piano as I can afford. Today was pretty hectic so I only sorta scratched the surface getting together ba
  7. Want me to show up at his house and hit him with a metal cane? I feel like I could get away with it. I mean who would believe that my tiny crippled self would ever assault someone? I charge a flat fee for this service, btw, so if you have 500 dollars and a vendetta, I will Kill Bill on his ass. All jokes aside, ~sincere internet hugs~.
  8. I have found myself in a strange position. I don't have many friends, and that circle has become even smaller lately. Never being overly social, I value my time alone, so it doesn't bother me too much. On the other hand, I find that when I allow myself too much time to think I get carried off on wild tangential paradoxical loops of thought that leave me wanting to peel my own skin off strip by strip in order to cease analyzing. In my mind, there's a list of people. It's not an ever present list, no, that would be far removed from the point the list serves. This list is my You're Dead to
  9. Razor


    You have no idea. I had a lot of great people. Another nurse talked me down from leaving the hospital because I was in so much pain and so agitated that I seriously considered leaving with my crippled ass (I was in a wheelchair and I really thought I could get out of there if I just hobbled to the curb and called an uber, I even found an ATM and took out cash in case I had to call a cab or bribe someone to give me a ride, I did not make good decisions when I was in horrible pain, and I just wanted to die), she just took me back to my room and sat me down and told me "There is nothing I can d
  10. Razor


    When a major life event occurs you deal with its lasting effects. You're left with the fallout of what transpired and you move on as best you can. Sooner or later, it becomes as if a dream. Even faced with the lasting evidence of this event, your memory colors it in such a manner that it blocks out the most painful moments, the most meaningful moments, just as a coping mechanism to go back to the grind of everyday living. During my hospital stay when I had my liver transplant, I was not the best patient at first. It is incredible what organ failure does to your brain. You b
  11. Razor


    "Here is Insanity," he said. "Make sure you don't stay long, the flight in is super cheap but the flight out? Good luck if you can even get a flight, not to mention how much you'll pay for it." I looked around and recognized nothing. It was blissful. I couldn't tell what was bad or good, I had no sense of self or purpose, I lost, well, everything. It was so nice just to be. I thought I'd stay forever. "Yeah man, it's kind of like day two-oh-six of a drinking binge, seven days awake on meth, the feeling of getting served divorce papers in a 'happy' relationship, yo
  12. They gone catch these hands, m'love.
  13. It cries to me as someone who woke up at 5:00 am, and she let that slide to 5:30 am, and she kept trying, just trying to make small concessions for sleep and necessities, and then kept trying by only moving that alarm time by 30 minutes, and she didn't fuss, kept going, and when she moved it to 5:30 am her husband found concern for that, like maybe she was giving up, and he needed to do something. This is the point I don't think people are getting, like maybe she woke up at 5:00 and then woke up at 5:30 to care for herself because that was the ultimate need because if she couldn't care for th
  14. Even if you think you understand the definition of that word as it is in the context that I use it, you don't. That I refer to her as such puts her in a select group of people for whom I would kill or die. I get that you don't like the word, but don't foist your judgment of the situation based on taking a word out of its natural context off as derogatory, especially when the people to whom I refer as "bitch" in this manner are the people I love the most and they are fully aware of that. Not trying to be confrontational, but I feel like the situation called for clarific
  15. Skip my bullshit minor problems if you want a good story and scroll to the bottom. On 12.11.18 I went to go get my meds from Walgreens, the ones I have to take or I die (anti-rejection meds), and they only had a partial refill. I thought fine, I have plenty of extra for a few days just in case, and you'll obviously reorder, so that's okay, I assume pharmacies overnight their drugs when needed. Last Sunday I called. No answer after fifteen minutes, the phone just disconnected. I gave up because I was about to have to work. Monday I called, no answer.
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