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Anger

A surprising thing I've come to realize, which shouldn't be surprising, is that a lot of my anxiety and depression is not actually anxiety and depression.  I will not say I am not anxious or depressed.  Going outside of my house, talking to people, trying to interact in a normal way is a source of constant anxiety.  I've always had an uneasy feeling about other people when dealing with them face to face.  I don't like it.  It opens me to allowing another person to stare at me, judge me, form an

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The weirdness

Sometimes I be sitting here and I just think how surreal and strange life really is.  I never imagined I would be sitting in Mobile, AL, with a stranger's liver, trying to find purpose in my life.  I suppose it just goes to show that for all your careful planning and preparation, everything could be terribly doomed before you ever even start.  Hard pill to swallow.  I don't necessarily believe in fate, but I do think that sometimes coincidence is just too coincidental.     This may be

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Lemme tell ya'll a thing

Okay, so, I will say this first.  Do not be mean to your customer service people.  No matter what, never start out a call being mean.  You never know who you'll get.  Sometimes you'll get me.  And bitch I am good at my job, but woe unto the person who angers me.   This woman today, last call of my day, continued to berate me and call me names and refuse to be cooperative whilst she was yelling at a police officer as well.  Ms. Barbara was a handful, but like the professional I am, I at

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New Toy

I've been saying for years I would get around to learning how to play piano.  I kinda started trying to pick it up in college, but there wasn't really anybody to explain to me basics and back in the day we didn't have all the wonders of the internet that we do today (omg I'm so old).     Anyway, so I broke down and bought one!  It's nothing crazy special, but I did make sure it had the full 88 keys and fully weighted hammer action keys and all that jazz so it's as close to a real piano

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The Dead to Me List Grows

I have found myself in a strange position.  I don't have many friends, and that circle has become even smaller lately.  Never being overly social, I value my time alone, so it doesn't bother me too much.  On the other hand, I find that when I allow myself too much time to think I get carried off on wild tangential paradoxical loops of thought that leave me wanting to peel my own skin off strip by strip in order to cease analyzing.  In my mind, there's a list of people.  It's not an ever present

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Dreams

When  a major life event occurs you deal with its lasting effects.  You're left with the fallout of what transpired and you move on as best you can.  Sooner or later, it becomes as if a dream.  Even faced with the lasting evidence of this event, your memory colors it in such a manner that it blocks out the most painful moments, the most meaningful moments, just as a coping mechanism to go back to the grind of everyday living.     During my hospital stay when I had my liver transplant,

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Meh

"Here is Insanity," he said.  "Make sure you don't stay long, the flight in is super cheap but the flight out?  Good luck if you can even get a flight, not to mention how much you'll pay for it."   I looked around and recognized nothing.  It was blissful.  I couldn't tell what was bad or good, I had no sense of self or purpose, I lost, well, everything.  It was so nice just to be.  I thought I'd stay forever.   "Yeah man, it's kind of like day two-oh-six of a drinking binge,

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Drug Wars (maybe other things)

Skip my bullshit minor problems if you want a good story and scroll to the bottom.   On 12.11.18 I went to go get my meds from Walgreens, the ones I have to take or I die (anti-rejection meds), and they only had a partial refill.  I thought fine, I have plenty of extra for a few days just in case, and you'll obviously reorder, so that's okay, I assume pharmacies overnight their drugs when needed.     Last Sunday I called.  No answer after fifteen minutes, the phone just disco

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Just one moment

I went to the gas station and like an idiot left my wallet, I just wanted to buy cigarettes (before you say it, yes, I know I'll get the cancer, I'm fully realizing that, I'm okay with it, I'm just gonna jump off a building when it happens, but for right now it keeps me sane, I like to borrow against my future, probably not healthy but we cope in our own ways).  I went to the counter and he said "6.67".  I reached for my wallet and SURPRISE, that shit is not there, because I've been so distracte

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Panicked apathy

A lot of the time I don't like to talk about what goes on inside my head very truthfully or directly.  I almost feel ashamed or dirty whenever I talk about it.  I hate the idea of talking about my thoughts and being rejected, made fun of, laughed off, or the worst possible consequence which would be making another person feel worse by sharing what I'm thinking.  The voices in my head shout alarms, and I end up in a strange state of being where I'm at once having a panic attack and also telling m

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Life be weird sometimes, yo

Okay so ever since I got really sick and had to take that huge leave of absence and then I got back to work and I was still sick and have been out like four times in the last four months because of various things, I've been terrified of work.  My job gives me panic attacks sometimes, I always feel like I'm going to get into trouble.  Why do I feel like that?   Honestly, I'm a pretty great employee.  I mean everything I do is right in line with what they want for the most part, and wher

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I sneezed

A funny thing happened to me while I was at work the other day.  I will preface this by saying you have to understand the context to get the punchline the universe delivered.  I've been dealing with major problems, like life or death problems, and usually if something goes wrong it's a trip to the ER and then admission and then days before they let me go.  I felt a small victory in the midst of dealing with this because it was so comedic in comparison to what I normally deal with.   So

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Ouch

I have a set of values I tend to try to live my life by, nowadays.  I've culled these from various sources, trying to be as objective as possible when evaluating how this can impact my life without regard for where I initially picked up the idea.  Like for instance, a lot of what I believe and try to live by is blatantly stolen from Christianity, which would have once left a sour taste in my mouth, but now I recognize it for what it is.  It's just a good idea with a sordid past because of people

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It's been a while, huh?

In September of last year, things in my memory get hazy quickly.  Bits and pieces have come back to me over time that I now know to be accurate, but I still have to recreate what happened based on how my memory fits in with explanations from friends and family, text messages and emails, and my hospital records.   Since I was nineteen, I’ve been somewhat of a heavy drinker on and off.  God knows what all the drugs I did in my younger days did to me.  There were multiple times as a teen

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Long One, Lulz

So I'll start by explaining yesterday, which exemplifies why I often lose all faith in people, lol. Liz's ex, Pete, came to stay with us for a couple days. The reason for this is that their mutual friend is the Romanian guy, Adrian, who once hit on me while he was incredibly inebriated in that thick accent of his, proclaiming "Motherf**ker! My parents hate me! I want to f**k you!" Most awkwardly hilarious thing that's ever happened with a guy, just sayin'.   Adrian jumped in front of an

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Alone And Considering

I've only once really thought about it so much as I have now. That was a long time ago, though. Now, I'm not sure what's going on in my head. Nothing's the way it should be, and everyone except Liz hates me or thinks I'm this pathetic druggie loser. I'm tired of it, ya know? It's just not right. No one really cares except a few, select people.   Normally, when you hear people considering what I'm considering talk, they latch on to those "few, select people". It's like the opinion of o

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I Forgot To Make Up A Title

So, today, I've decided it's probably a really good idea to completely f**king redo myself. From the ground up. I need drastic change. Soooo.... what shall I talk about....   My misadventures with manhunt.net. Omg. This site is the bomb for ego boosting, however, BE CAREFUL. What do gays and women have in common? They lie about their weight. Just sayin'. Also, they tend to not be very interesting. Even so, zomgz, I've met so many nifty people. My friend Matt that runs the Saengar

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Twitch

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo   A lot has changed. I realize full well that I have borderline personality disorder, but there has been another drastic identity change.   My mother and I had a talk after my last nice big nervous breakdown involving drugs, alcohol, bad grades, failed relationships, and general ennui regarding life, and she told me that I try to har

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Wow Moments

So last night was a big eye-opener for me. I really do love Kevin, he's amazing as hell. Makes me crazy happy, and he's so damn sweet to me. Even when he kind of annoys me, it's so easy to just put up with it because all I have to do is think about how happy he makes me at other times, and the little annoying things just don't bug me so much. I'll be living with my best friend over the summer. I'll miss living with Kevin, 'cause that's what I've been doing for all practical purposes, but I'

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Smileyface!

So I'm wasting time right now until Kevin decides to wake up. I've been basically living at his apartment, going home to shower/shave/change/grab stuff and then I pretty much come right back, and I go to class. I gotta say it's sort of funny how now that I've backed away from my social circles, everyone's paying a lot of attention to me. It's so ironic that when I actually wanted attention, I could never get anyone to give me the time of day, and now that I have Kevin, everybody wants me to p

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Vampires and Weight Loss

I've been seeing this guy, Kevin, for the past few days. Well, basically I met him about four days ago and have slept at his apartment (with my undies still on, might I add) each night since.   I went to the restaurant on campus by the library because my friend girl-Jamie (she's girl-Jamie and I'm boy-Jamie because we're name-mates) because she wanted Marti and I to go with her to meet people and get foodz. I got there and I saw Kevin, and I immediately thought "Jesus, he's adorable. Not

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Dysfunction, yay.

I may have had a slight break with reality. So my dresser started talking to me. I'm gonna assume it was my dresser anyway, because I feel like it's less weird for an object to talk to me than for me to hear a voice coming from nowhere. I've never actually heard voices before, so it was interesting.   Last night I got put in handcuffs again, hahaha. Silly UPD caught me with booze and was all rawr. That was just a scare tactic of course because really all they did was give me a ticket and

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Do I LOOK Twelve?!

I'm a little bit annoyed. Generally things are going well. I'm employed (actually twice-employed) and in class and doing well. The only thing that's not going great is my weight because that's gone back up to the mid-140s instead of the mid 130s like it should be, but even that doesn't really bother me.   The thing that's pissing me the f**K off is the way my mother seems to want to treat me like I'm a child. Okay, yeah, I'm 19, blahblahblah, she's older and she knows better. Whatever. T

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Hehe, Wow I'm Bitchy Tonight

Do you ever have one of those moments where you step back, look at your life, and realize that you really have shit to show for it?   I'm having one of those moments, big time.   1.) School: -My grades have fallen. This semester was awful, worst yet. Two A's, a C, and an F. -Good news is I'll be a research assistant next semester for Dr. Zeigler-Hill, who's actually interested in things that tie into my own interests. Assuming nothing insane happens, he should be a seriously useful

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It's been a while...

I've been neglecting GA really badly. Makes me a little sad, but it's because I'm just so busy all the time with all of this insanity that is collegiate life. Really, though, I have an extremely important announcement to make.     I got my hips pierced. HAHAHAHA, YES! Microdermals!!! It's like a tiny plate thingy they slide under the skin after punching a hole with a needle. I want six total, three on each side, but I got these first to see how they'll end up looking and feeling so I

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