A surprising thing I've come to realize, which shouldn't be surprising, is that a lot of my anxiety and depression is not actually anxiety and depression.  I will not say I am not anxious or depressed.  Going outside of my house, talking to people, trying to interact in a normal way is a source of constant anxiety.  I've always had an uneasy feeling about other people when dealing with them face to face.  I don't like it.  It opens me to allowing another person to stare at me, judge me, form an opinion of me, and possibly reject me.  

With that in mind, I've come to think that a lot of these emotions I feel that sometimes people pressure me to seek professional help for are not actually the emotions that are the real problem.  I constantly analyze everything around me as well as within me.  Following that train of thought leads me to believe that most of my problems in my emotional regulation of myself are not anxiety and depression.  They are anger and frustration.  

I don't voice these things because it sounds like a pity party.  Why did this happen to me?  What did I do to hurt someone else so badly that I deserve what has happened to me, as if there is some cosmic being doling out punishment based on my deeds?  Why does he or she or they not listen to me, why don't they understand, why do I even have to try to make them understand?  Because they SHOULD understand.  Why is it that people tend to leave me or I tend to leave them?  

As any person with half a brain would do, I think about this in terms of well, if you have a problem, learn from it.  Figure out the pattern, figure out the mistakes, figure out how to move forward knowing what to do better.  I get frustrated and angry a lot.  It can be anything, but it's usually related to my interpersonal relationships, and the way other people see me.  

It shows up in strange ways.  The other day at work I was working overtime, which I was already annoyed about, because at the same time I had a million things on my mind.  Primarily that my kidneys might be failing because my legs and ankles decided to swell like crazy, and I was already consigning myself to death.  Turns out it was the medication I was taking, and it felt like someone dropped a bag of concrete onto my legs, ankles, and feet, and still feels that way (though most of the swelling is gone).  But that fear caused me to be frustrated, angry, annoyed.  I thought to myself that it is insane that I am sitting at a desk pretending this is a normal moment when I could be going through the last moments of my life due to organ failure and I will never go on dialysis again, ever, so it was the real death moment in my mind.  

And I got PISSED.  I was so angry that my life is held hostage by me working and keeping my insurance and keeping up with things that seem insignificant in comparison to "remember the last time you almost died, remember how that happened, remember how you remembered everything one moment and then the next moment you woke up a month later and they had to give you a new organ?  Remember that shit?  REMEMBER IT?!  Why the fuck are you sitting here apologizing to crazy random stranger for something that was not your fault, when you might be dying?!"

Frustration hits.  The voices in my head keep telling me "hospital, hospital, hospital, you're dying, right now, if you don't go now they'll tell you it was your own fault you're dying later, but the hospital is a horrible place so only go there if you really are dying.  Are you dying?  Fuck if I know."  Which makes me want to call out of work and just go because while I am so ready to just call it quits I'm not REALLY quite ready.  I haven't lost all hope of everything quite yet.  It's a strange place to be.  It's like a conversation with death saying kill me, but not yet.  Kill me now, but not really right now.  It hurts, but not enough I want to quit.  I want to quit, but I don't.  

All the while, I have a customer taking me forty-five minutes past my overtime shift.  Why?  Because of something that was not my fault or the customer's fault.  It was an epic fuckup of doom I was dealing with that two managers didn't know how to fix and they brushed aside what was going on because they couldn't fix it, and being me I was like oh hell now, I'm pissed now, let's SOLVE THIS MOTHERFUCKER.  Which it did get solved.  Btw, for your comparison, usually I can get a customer on and off my phone in two to three minutes total.  But I was not about to let that go once I got my teeth in it, I was like NO, this is bullshit, I am dying here and you give me this, you give me THIS?!  

And I realized, that anger and frustration are bad, bad things that have no place in the world, just like shame and guilt.  I was more incensed because of the synergestic effect there.  I was pissed, my customer was pissed, and together we turned into one pissed off frustrated freight train that was going to solve this goddamn problem.  I started being snappish at no one, because in my line of work you can't snap.  You have to be calm, collected, cool, reasonable, reassuring.  But he heard the cracks in my facade easy.

You ever started working on something for someone and got so pissed off about the roadblocks that they start losing their anger because yours overshadows theirs?  That's what happened.  I was ready to fight.  I was completely prepared to snip someone down to half their height if they dared cut off my path to a fix for this person, because I'll be damned if I stayed 45 minutes after work to lose.  Heads up, if your pissed off customer tells you to calm down, that should be an eye opener.  

So I thought about why I reacted so strongly.  What made me get to that point of unyielding rage that I was going to make something happen no matter who stood in my way?  And as stupid as it fucking sounds, as inane and simple and absolutely unbelievable it came down to the AA saying HALT.  I was hungry, angry, lonely, and tired.  All at once.  And I didn't tell myself to try to find a way to make the situation more bearable, more tolerable, more normal.  I flew straight to crazy town.  

Now, I have decided I will implement some things, and no matter what anyone else says or does, I will use these.  And if work or anyone else has a problem with that, then they can take it up with me by submitting it in writing and giving me about three weeks to respond so I don't say something snappy and mean.  

Which brings me to the first thing.  Wait.  Just wait.  Don't say or do that.  Just wait.  And that wait can feel interminable, but it is worth it.  Count to ten, recite a poem in your head, take a deep breath, do a mundane task like counting backwards by sevens, and if you can take your focus off for a moment that lash out moment will pass.  It also gives you time to think about the second thing.

Jokes.  Fucking jokes.  Just don't look at it like a life or death, don't look at it as a personal attack, don't look at it as THIS NEEDS DOING NOW AND WE HAVE TO BE SERIOUS.  No, we fucking don't.  Things can wait.  And things can definitely wait if there is even a small smile to be coaxed out of a situation.  The world needs more people smiling and laughing instead of yelling and screaming.  There is no point in going to war over a situation that can be laughed at.  Furthermore, humor inspires camaraderie with those you are trying to engage, so why not use it?  We can al act pissed off, but it takes effort to turn a situation on its head and laugh at it.  

Third, abandon your high principles.  Nobody fucking cares.  Don't move contrary to your values, but don't stand on PRINCIPLE.  That is a fool's errand, and a great way to get knocked off your high horse.  Speak your truth calmly and quietly, and do not allow yourself to respond to attacks in kind.  Don't get mired down into an argument over what is right or wrong, but focus on what is BEST.  The path of least resistance is usually a good one, and if modified a tiny bit, can allow you to hold your values while passing through.  And by no means am I saying keep your head down and ignore injustice when it rears its head, but I am saying that you can pick your fights while making your opinion known in a productive manner.  

Fourth, and this is the most difficult for me; be kind to yourself.  How can I expect everyone around me to respond to me with anything other than derision when that's all I hold for myself?  The same judgment I hold for myself when turned outward suddenly becomes so much more hospitable, caring, genuine, concerned.  It makes no sense that I rub my own nose in my mistakes when I'm so willing to forgive them in others.  

Fifth, quit deleting what you want to say.  Quit doing that.  JUST STOP.  That leads to frustration and anger, Jamie, so say what the fuck you mean to say in a way that isn't totally offensive and gives other people at least a chance to like or dislike you.  Quit wanting to say something and stopping.  Quit typing a text and erasing it.  Quit doing things up until the moment you could be rejected.  Believe people are also people just like you, that they feel the way you do, that they want the things you do.  Okay that last one is more about the anxiety, but still, as I said, it leads to the frustration and anger. 

Well, I've had enough of telling myself what to do by typing it out.  Things have been grim.  Finances are tight, I live alone now, I don't really know what my next move is.  Which is a source of frustration because usually in the past I've had a plan.  The plan usually involved a boy.  Well, at the moment, I don't feel equipped to deal with any relationships.  I want one.  Not gonna lie, these past months, three relationships totally destroyed (albeit for good reason), so it feels like nothing will ever be worth fighting for again.  Lemme clarify.

I don't ever fight for myself.  I just don't.  I have a weird variant of social anxiety disorder that allows me to find a person I like and fight for them.  Ask me to go to the doctor by myself and I can find all sorts of reasons why I don't need to do that, why I can't do that, why I won't do that.  Give me another person who needs a doctor and I would carry them, despite my crippled ass, and I would make sure they were taken care of.  I need the motive, I need the all encompassing flaming passion that this person is important to me and I will do this thing I don't want to do because they need me to do it.  I've done it a million times before.  In fact, I think I might have an issue because I love doing that, I love seeing other people happy as a result of my actions.  It is what makes life worth living to me.

And before you get all weird and say "Jamie, that's the wrong reason to live for!"  Yeah I know, but, sometimes life makes us the way we are and all we can do is work with what we're given.  I like to think of myself as someone who augments.  Put me with the right person and I will raise them up into whatever heights they seek, and I will make sure they fly high, straight, and true.  Just ask my ex, he's waaaaay better than when I met him, and I still worry about him even though we may not be talking lately and that might be my fault or it might be his fault (it's his fault, just in case you were wondering, and I hope that the bastard he's with dies in a horrible fiery car crash of doom because that fucker was mean to me but hahahahahahaha just joking cause humor is supposed to be an antidote to anger).  That's enough purpose for me right now.  I don't need to be great.  I just need to find people who can benefit from me and I from them.  Sometimes I feel as if that means I'm broken.

Yes, me feeling like I need other people makes me feel like I am broken.  The great secret of my generation is that everyone needs other people, but we just pretend like we don't.  I don't have to be at the forefront, I don't like the attention or acclaim of many.  I think of all the interactions I've had and I come to this conclusion.  I don't need to be great.

I just want to be kept.