At some point, every writer stares into the abyss of their manuscript, googles “how to write good,” and ends up ugly-crying through a screenwriting guru’s YouTube ad. And it is in this fragile, emotionally collapsed state that the truth reveals itself:

Most writing advice is either painfully obvious or spiritually useless. (“Just write!” Okay, Brenda. Thanks.)

So, in the spirit of not helping whatsoever, here are some writing tips I completely made up while avoiding my own stories.

Are they fake? Absolutely.

Are they worse than real advice? Probably, but at least they're honest about it.

Will they help? That depends on your definition of "help" and how low your standards have fallen.

Use them literally. Or literarily.

Or print them out and eat them for confidence. I’m not your editor.

Let’s begin:
 

• All plot holes can be explained with amnesia, time travel, or sexuality. Pick two. If you pick all three, you've accidentally written fan fiction. Congratulations.
• If you can't figure out the ending, simply kill someone. Preferably the dog, so people know you're serious about literature.
• If your villain isn’t sexy or relatable, they better be both.
• Every story is a mystery if you just never explain anything. This is called “literary fiction” and people will pretend to understand it at book clubs.
• If you don’t know what to write next, add a mirror. Someone’s always reflecting on something.
• Don't research. Just confidently guess how submarines or medieval politics work. Your readers don't know either, and the ones who do will write angry emails you can ignore while eating cereal.
• If your character’s name doesn’t sound like it belongs in a YA fantasy novel or a Whole Foods candle aisle, start over.
• You only need three things to write a novel: a plot, a character, and an intense desire to avoid real life. The plot is optional.
• If the romantic tension could be resolved with a single honest conversation, throw in a bear attack.
• Stuck? Have someone fall down the stairs. It worked for soap operas for decades. Coincidence? I think not.
• The difference between a twist ending and a train wreck is whether you planned it or panicked. Own your chaos.

Follow me for more unhelpful advice and absolutely no accountability.