Our house is an enigma. It was built in the late 60s by a US Army top sergeant to be his retirement home. Well, by the time full retirement came around, he was living somewhere else and our house was fulfilling its purpose as a rental. We'll have been here ten years this August. Ten years of interesting surprises and angry outbursts of extreme aggravation.

Unfortunately, we've contributed to the house's inability to perform at its best. A number of years ago we decided we needed gas heat to reduce the horrendous outlay of dollars to our local electric company. It didn't take the gas heating salesperson (He was a guy, but PC regulations prevent me from formally disclosing that fact. He was also borderline obese, spoke with too much spit in his mouth, was severely affected with premature hair loss, but had a great personality that went a long way toward helping us decide on what kind of gas heat was appropriate for our house.) to determine that we couldn't retrofit a gas furnace, didn't have an empty wall for a gas fireplace, having furry pets precluded the use of a floor furnace, and the only solution possible was a direct-vent, wall mounted, gas heater. Luck would have it, they had one in stock.

The gas heater performed admirably since then. It had its quirks. The loud boom as it cooled was simply hot steel contracting or so I said to an unbelieving wife. The gas odor at the vent was negligible and the wind had to be from the right direction to smell it.

That is until this winter. The blow torch sound was all I needed to hear to know it was time to call a repairman to have a look. Unfortunately, I was dealing with recovery from the major depression episode so the call didn't go out. The wife wouldn't call. She's been playing this game of, "you're home now, I'm not going to do anything that you can do." It took me a month to get up the energy to call.

The first repairman had never seen our model of gas heater. He left baffled at what could be causing the problem. He also turned off our gas water heater, but when your incompetence is so blatant, anything is possible.

The second repairman knew our unit, but was baffled with the problem. That is until he took out the burner. Gas burners have few requirements for a successful existence. Cracks and broken vent holes are not on any list of required assets. A new burner was ordered.

"Do you want it UPS Ground, or do you want it expedited?"

"Ground is okay."

Two weeks later the third repairman shows up to install the new burner. Unfortunately, he couldn't get the pilot light to stay on after lighting it.

Today, the fourth repairman showed up unannounced, but got the gas heater to work. There were a number of adjustments that no one else seemed aware of, but he seemed to think the pilot light module needed to be replaced because the pilot light flame was too small, so we ordered one. Of far more importance though was the heater was usable until someone came back to install it.

As he was leaving the wife said, "I smell gas."

The fitting on the pilot light wasn't fully tight. The repairman said that should solve the problem, but if we continued to smell gas, we should turn the unit off at the floor valve.

We've reactivated the electric heaters. The gas heater isn't and won't be until the gasman cometh, again.