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About this blog

Melancholic words to dampen your spirit

Entries in this blog

 

It Was Almost Bye Bye Birdie Time

Needless to say, my life is one big fuck up right now. Everything seems to be going to the shits. Well, not everything. Two significant parts of my life remain on track. My reading is prodigious right now. I am actively reading: Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman, Lords and Ladies by Terry Pratchett, The Seventh Cross by Anna Seghers, Hiroshima by John Hersey, Blood’s a Rover by Harlan Ellison, and most of The New Yorker when it comes to the house most weeks. Yeah, you’re asking how do I keep

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Baby the Rain Must Fall

I received an interesting comment (not a review, which I would’ve preferred, since it seemed to cover the whole story) on my recently completed five chapter story The Angel of Retribution. Since the comment was not totally flattering, I will refrain from revealing the user name associated with it.   I’ll save you the trouble of having to go look up the comment by quoting it: “Hmm (a half-smiling emoji added here) really bad writing great story though but I don’t really think u (yes, ju

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

I Think the End is Nigh

I’m at a juncture in my writing where I seriously think I need to stop it. The problem is basically for the most part I write violent shit and I don’t like it.   I’m tired of having likeable characters die in the most horrible ways. For chissakes, how many assaults, rapes, and murders have to be written before I go down to the local sporting goods store and buy a pistol to blow my diseased brain out of my head? I suppose I could call my new therapist, but what the fuck will she do?

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Old

I realized this morning that I’m old. Not growing old, just old. This not to say I’ve reached the end of my creative cycle because there are still stories to tell. I have one story that is ready to be published, but I’ve lost contact with my editor (Sharon). Such is life that I should still have stories to be published, but no editor to review them prior to publishing. I await contact with my prior editor to be reestablished, but so far I don’t think much is going to occur in that direction

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Oh Damn!

Back in October my VA shrink told me she could no longer see me long term. I was to be sent outside the VA. Well, my outside mental health provider took me off Seroquel and put me on Lithium in addition to my existing prescription for Valproic Acid (Depakote). As the Lithium dosage increased to a therapeutic level the tremors in my hands and arms increased until I could no longer hold my medication in the palm of my hand without it jumping out before I had a chance to put it in my mouth. I could

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

A Warm Blanket

Unbeknownst to me, my shrink replied to my voice mail yesterday when I was at the restaurant and not expecting any calls. I suppose I should’ve set my phone to vibrate, but I didn’t. So, today I called her voice mail line and, shock to me, she actually answered. She wanted an explanation why I upped my Depakote intake from 1000 mg to 1500 mg. What could I say? So, I said I’ll have taken one form or another of valproic acid off and on for the past 10 years, as of April. I know the difference betw

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Avoiding a Pickup

Okay, it’s been five days since my last entry. I increased the Depakote dosage to 1,500 mg at bedtime and I called my shrink to inform her of such action. To those who might be worried, I am not wonky anymore. My mind has entered that dead state of drugged submission. Unfortunately, my new book has ground to a halt at ten chapters.   I don’t know if you can imagine not having any creative abilities, but that’s what happens when you choose to be drugged vs. being totally wonky. When I w

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Wonky

You have to understand being Bipolar is basically an extreme state of mind. A month or so ago I was taking 1,500 mg of Depakote as a mood stabilizer, plus 400 mg of Seroquel, also reported to be a mood stabilizer. My shrink decided that, maybe, I could reduce my intake of Depakote until I was taking Zero mg’s and relying on the 400 mg of Seroquel to stabilize my mind. Unfortunately, when I hit Zero my mind went wonky and I was hallucinating to the extreme.   So, I backed off and got he

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Bipolar Bureaucratic Blues

I’m still waiting for a referral from the agency that handles outside referrals for the VA to see a psychiatric or psychological professional because my VA psychiatrist said she can no longer see me long-term, per VA directive. The agency that sets up appointments called me before Thanksgiving to say they would find someone (probably an ARNP) to handle my case. They said that I would be authorized to see that person for only four visits. The interesting thing about this is that I’ve been seeing

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Status report

Tonight, I started the first chapter of a new story. The working title is “The Black Scandinavian.” The lead character, Troy, comes from the last chapter of “319 Winesap Lane.” Yes, that book is finished, although two chapters remain to be published. (hint, hint, Sharon!) Many of my readers probably will not like the last chapter, but I will not let the cat out of the bag today.   Troy has an identity problem, which is identified in the last chapter of “319.” I won’t reveal it now beca

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

So much to do

Well, it’s official. I have now entered old age.   Last Thursday, I went to the VA medical center in Seattle to see an ophthalmologist about a previous bleeder on my left retina. Luckily, there was no evidence that it had re-occurred. Unfortunately, the cataract in my right eye has worsened to where it is now operable and I will be going under the knife sometime next month.   During the past couple months, I’ve had a esophageal barium exam and a laryngoscopy to determine why

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Sixty-eight and going strong

Today I am sixty-eight. The highlight of the day my son and I went to our local Mexican-American restaurant where I had four chilled Cuervo Traditional Tequilas and two Corona Light Cervezas, an order of shredded beef Taquitos Rancheros with rice and whole pinto beans, and a Chocolate Mud Pie to celebrate my birthday. I didn’t tell them it was my birthday because I wasn’t interested in wearing the sombrero and having the servers singing “Happy Birthday” in Spanish.   My writing is focu

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Wine of Wyoming

I’ve been reading a collection of Ernest Hemingway’s first forty-nine short stories and I finally came to “Wine of Wyoming.” I suppose it’s a nice short story, except for the French dialogue of which there is quite too much. Two of the characters in the story are from France and, of course, speak French quite a bit, even though much of it is broken. But, enough of it is illegible to someone who does not, nor never has, spoken the language of France, Quebec, French Guiana, and other foreign outpo

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

319 Winesap Lane Is Back!

lt's taken a bit of time, but I've finally been able to pull all my teeth with a some rusty pliers and get this story going again.   Due to my diminished mental state I do not know when Chapter 19 will be out, but at least there is enough material pending for that chapter.    

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Climbing out of the oblivion

I’ve been suffering with writer’s block for a few months now, but slowly the creative juices are beginning to unclog and flow once again. Most of this block can be attributed to my recent bout with increased arthritic inflammation in my left knee. My PC sent me to x-ray and the radiologists diagnosed pseudo-gout. My PC who isn’t an MD, but an ARNP, did not accept this diagnosis because she had no knowledge of this affliction. She decided I was suffering from regular ol’ gout because my uric acid

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Is It Over?

Let’s get this straight right from the beginning. I am suffering from a writer’s block. I’ve had these before and they’ve passed in time, but somehow I feel that this time it’s terminal. In fact, I don’t know the process of moving from Signature Author to Classic Author, but this very well maybe the time for such a transition.   I’ve tried to work on 319 and The GMOs, but there just doesn’t seem to be anything there.   So, I’ve done the only thing that a failed writer can do. I’ve turned to

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Life Goes As It Goes

I haven’t been working on the next chapter for 319 because I have been working on a possible short story for another site during the past week. I know I should be working on 319, but I’m focused on this other story. It involves a young teen who decides to run away from home, hoping to connect with his uncle in Fresno, California. The only problem is that he hasn’t quite figured out how he is going to get in contact with his uncle.   And, then a favorite song comes up:     That’s the pro

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Miscellaneous Comments Of The Season

Okay, let’s get this clear from the beginning, “I am inebriated.” I have had a double shot of Laphroiag single malt Scotch liquor (it’s one of Prince Charles’ favorite Scotch single malts), an Estrella Jalisco cervesca, two Harvey’s hot buttered rums, a Dos Equis draught, and two double shots of Cazadores Añejo tequila. In the process of becoming inebriated I had a chicken enchilada, a chicken tostada, and a third of a Chicken Milenesa (deep fried chicken breast).   I have had, as usual on wee

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Just Some Thoughts On The Election Results . . .

If all goes according to the Constitution, Donald Trump will become the 45th President of these the Divided States of America on Friday, January 20, 2017.   I suppose by the following Monday the order will go out to either the Army Corps of Engineers or some other government entity to begin construction on the Great Wall of America. When we threaten to bomb major cities in Mexico for not being forthcoming with the funds to cover the project is open to speculation because how else will we make

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Skin Cancer

This morning I had a squamous cell carcinoma removed from my left ear by Mohs surgery. Since I'm allergic to all analgesics other than aspirin and the clinic I went to didn't prescribe a pain killer, I'm taking my aspirin and living with the pain. But, as the discharge paper said, it will get better day by day.   The next chapter of WWW is progressing. We may actually be coming to a finalization of the story.   319 is approaching an on hold status unless I can figure a way to get chapter 6 t

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Depression, Bob Dylan, And The Future

I really don’t know where this is going. I’m out of words to put into my current stories and so I resort to listening to music. My choice tonight is Bob Dylan. I could have chosen The Beatles, Eric Clapton, or The Travelling Wilburys, but I didn’t. I’m not really into modern music because there seems to be no logic to the available choices. Music can go only so far until it starts to repeat itself.   If anything, I’m at a loss to what might happen in the future. My only point of reference at t

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

On Being 67

Yesterday was my sixty-seventh birthday. I got a free B-52 at the Ixtapa in Sultan; plus, I had two shots of Oban single malt Scotch. As birthdays go, it was tolerable.   For all that happened yesterday, I’m bored with life; due to changes in my meds I’ve gained over 30 lbs. in the past year; my cataracts are worsening to the point where I get a new prescription every six months; I've got skin cancer on my ear; I can’t drive more than a couple miles to the grocery store and definitely not out

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Use Sunscreen!

Just got a call from the dermatology clinic where I had the latest biopsy on my left ear. The pathology report came back today and it's a squamous cell carcinoma. They'll be scheduling with the VA as to whether they or the VA will do the surgery. They will be recommending one of their Mohs qualified surgeons handle the procedure. They VA will probably say that I should have my ear whacked off just to save a few bucks.   Life moves on, as I've got a lot of writing to do, a dog to house train, a

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Coming Soon To A Theatre Near You, "the Faggot"

As far as I am concerned the only sure therapy to a psychologically troubled mind is to have a productive hobby and to practice it on a regular basis. Medicinally, I am stable with an effective mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant specifically developed to treat depression associated with bipolar disorder.   That leaves my hobby which is writing. I’ve tried to learn how to play the guitar, even to the point of buying one for $800 (actually getting it on sale for $400), but that’s basically a

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

 

Trying To Hang On By My Fingernails

For the past week I’ve been wavering over putting GA on the backburner for the foreseeable future. My mental state is in a total disarray since Rambo bit me and my son had to put him down. Plus, my son has his own mental issues to consider. In effect, we’re both a couple of crazies trying to make do with life.   But, I have a series of stories that may save me. One deals with a boy who was sold by his parents into sexual slavery when he was six. Dabeagle helped me a lot with New York State’s p

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday

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