I had another fight with my father today. He wants me to come over for thanksgiving. I of course said no because I know that we'll just fight again. I can't do this any longer. It seems like verything that comes out of his mouth is the wrong thing. The man is incapable of saying something nice and as long as he's like this I can't talk to him.

Today the first thing out of his mouth is this, "That friend of yours Chaz, he's a faggot too?" Then he says this, "He can come too. I mean I don't have a problem with you queers as long as he don't hit on me." First of all my father is not an attractive man there is zero chance of that happening.

Then after I yell at him for talking like this for upteemth time. He says this, "If I knew my only son would have came out queer I wouldn't have had children, but I learned to love you just like you are." I mean did he have to say the first part? Alright so I was going to take this as progress until he asks me this, "Are you planning on having children? Because I don't want any adopted children."

I went off and told him once again how much I hate it when he speaks this way. Chaz watched me go through this tonight. This has never hhappened in front of my friends. I always made sure my father didn't meet any of my friends. I mean I went to great lenghts to stop my friends from seeing me argue with my father. Chaz is the first to see how this man affects me. When I was done I was shaking. I wanted to cry but I was too angry to do that so I left. Chaz followed me but I told him that I just needed to be alone.

I called my psychiatrist but he wasn't there. So I went to the beach where I walked alone for a while. Chaz called me and I told him where to meet me. This affected me so much that I bummed a cigarette of a woman. I talked to her until Chaz got to where I was.

When Chaz arrived he gave me a huge hug. First thing out of his mouth was this, "You have to let people in. You can't carry this all by yourself."

I know he's right it's just that I'm so used to keeping things like this personal. I've always been like this since I was young. I always kept my anger bottled in until it exploded and I reacted by either yelling or throwing my fist. I've lost so many friends that I'm afraid to lose the ones that I do have so I keep things like this to myself. I don't want them to see the ugly parts of me.

GREEN hiding behind a hard exterior.