*Sneak Peek* [Untitled]

[advocatus diaboli]

I don't want to give away the title yet.

 

This is something I've been musing for a while. What I'm about to post is all I have so far. It's unedited and unbeta'd. It's super rough and might not even stay in it's current form.

 

Just want feedback, I guess. Motivation, perhaps.

 

 

It’s mid-July. A Tuesday, I think. After graduating from school and not really having anything to look forward to, the days all tend to blend together. Anyways, me and my boyfriend, Doug, were relaxing at my house. We’re in the living room, just talking, with the television playing in the background.

“You ever feel like... like, the world is wrong?” Doug asked me.

I’m used to our philosophical debates, and enjoy them. Having these intelligent conversations with him is one of the many reasons I’m attracted to him, but this caught me off guard. His question seemed a bit more ‘out there’ than normal.

“Uhm... whatcha mean, jelly bean?”

“Like... I don’t know. I can’t quite put my finger on it?”

“Like, The Matrix?” I asked, stifling a laugh.

“No. I mean, like. Society, culture. Ever feel like we’re fundamentally flawed?”

“Well. We certainly could do better, collectively as a species, but I don’t know. Why do you ask?”

“I just think that someone needs to step up and hit a reset button. To start over, from the ground up. A fresh start, you know what I mean?”

“Oh, I know what you mean, it just doesn’t sound like it would go over well with the people in power. Kind of sounds like anarchy, or something.”

“Breaking News. F.B.I., Department of Homeland Security, C.I.A. and N.S.A. spokesmen are finally breaking the silence on this mysterious technology crisis.”

I grabbed the remote and turned it up. This is definitely going to be interesting.

“Early reports indicate that a message has appeared on millions of servers, belonging to thousands of companies, spanning the globe. Targets include high profile companies such as Apple, Google, Facebook, Amazon and others. We currently have no leads and haven’t figured out how such a massive and coordinated attack took place. It appears as if the intruders used

unknown security flaws and left no trace. A full-scale investigation has been launched, the full weight of the American federal government is behind it, and we will find who’s responsible, how they did it and punish them accordingly.”

“Sounds intense, man.” I finally mumbled, after the brief press conference was over.

“Mr. Baker!” Doug yelled. “Did you see this?”

“I’ve already told you before, Doug. My name is Daniel.” My father scolded Doug, as he entered the room. “What is it, though?”

“Some super elite hackers broke into companies all over the world and put some sort of ‘message’ onto their servers. The U.S. government is flipping out and said they’re going to figure out who did it and how.”

My father raised an eyebrow. “Now, let’s go see what that message is, shall we?”

We followed him out of the room and into his office. A quick Google search and we found this message, quite easily. It seems that it really had been posted on a lot of sites. It was short, but really disturbing:

The world as you know it is fake. There are forces beyond your understanding at work here. The end is nigh, but salvation shall be upon you. This world of yours, everything you’ve known and cared about will soon be over. But a better, brighter future awaits you. Do not fear. We will take care of you.

 

[thebrinkoftime]

I know where you're going with this and I can't wait till the ferrets come into the picture.

 

I like how the main character sounds like he's the type of person who orders pizza when he's too arsed to boil water for ramen and when he smokes pot, he's prone to saying, "Well, that's like, just your opinion, man." Also, if I'm reading it correctly, it looks like Doug is either smarter or more savvy than his boyfriend or they haven't been boyfriends very long (this comes from the way he addresses his father), which is a nice touch.

 

If the way you tied in Doug's malaise about society with the news report leads to an unpredictable and clever outcome, I'd say the setup is ripe for committing to it. If, on the other hand, the payoff is around where most of us can predict it's going, just with some small twist, then I'd say you need to rework it from the introduction to be a little less obvious and little more artistic about it.

 

The news report bothers me. Why would an official who is giving a PR speech from a government investment agency use the terminology "Early reports indicate...?" That sounds like someone the news anchor would say. A government official would likely refer to the case, but make no specific reference to what it applied to, leaving it to the media to report, and it seems very unlikely they would admit they have no idea how this happened and have no leads to the larger populace, and probably wouldn't use an absolute like "left no trace". If you wanted our characters to infer that, you could just have their internal thoughts break in while the report is being given.

 

Also, I don't know about you, but I always find peculiar, yet somehow mundane details make for an interesting element of spice and thematic depth in scenes like these. You know, like, maybe in the kitchen there's a really loud, kinda broken coffee maker that drives everyone nuts. Or maybe Doug attaches little round stickers to his fingernails to help him remember to do certain things and the main character notices while talking to him. Or maybe from where he sits, he can still smell the chemical they used to refinish the wood on their antique dish holder in the dining room. What's the name of the official who is delivering the standard "We'll get those folks" drivel on the TV? Does he have a comb-over? Does he use hair dye to make it look like he's younger? Or is it a woman with a really unappealing haircut and bad taste in lipstick? When the dad comes out, does he have soap suds on his hands from washing the dog or the dishes or does he have his reading glasses on because he was in the study reading about an interesting book about Charles Manson?

 

As it is right now, it's interesting in how much it reads like a blunt crime procedural, but I think the prose needs something of a spark to really make it snap. Maybe an enticing character detail or two about Doug and his boyfriend before we learn anything important to help us, the reader connect with what they're feeling?

 

Bottom line? Ferrets make every story a little more colorful, but they don't have to be in every story for the color to come out.

Edited September 1, 2013 by thebrinkoftime

[Ieshwar]

I'm not going to comment on the grammar since you have said that it's unedited. But still, there are some points you definitely need to straighten out with the verbs, structure and all. 

 

For a first draft, it looks good. I suppose that you are going to flesh it out from here. You have two complimentary characters- one being the funny one and the other more serious. I like that. I would add some more description or details to bring out their distinctive personality. Try to find each one's voice for the dialogue, without going into exaggeration. 

 

Setting remains an important element in a story, not just the physical descriptions (I guess that you had it covered over here, more or less) but also the mood. When done right, it can add to the feel of the story. Small details carefully placed here and there will do the trick.

 

Personally, I would advise you to flesh out the story to start with. Then, you can re-write and polish as required. 

 

The plot does have potential. It can go in several directions. Your characters are interesting too.

 

Hope it helps.