broseph

I think it's hilarious that you said this wasn't your favorite chapter, because it's one of my favorites to date. Pace was good (a little rushed, but it fits with where we are in the story), settings were okay (could've used a little more fleshing out- for instance, I would've loved a more detailed description of the grandparent's McMansion), and the dialogue was really nice, very open and emotionally honest. I want to smack Peter around a little bit for being such an idiot, but I guess that's a good thing, huh? I loved their chat over the pie, some of my favorite dialogue yet. I'm loving where this is going. Keep up the fantastic work.

My dad's an ordained baptist deacon who preached the evils of homosexuality his whole life until his baby boy, the apple of his eye (me) came out to him. He wasn't angry or hateful, just sad. Granted, he didn't speak to me for months, but he slowly came around. SLOWLY came around. My dad's a hard man. He doesn't change easily. He still doesn't approve of my life, but he got over his hardness enough to let me know that he loved me. That's "real life." Redemption is rarely "sudden," and redeemable characters don't necessarily have to be redeemed, there just has to be the option. Think of the Artful Dodger from Oliver Twist. Did he end up being a complete and total lying, betraying sack of excrement? Yes. Did Dickens show him to be redeemable? Absolutely. Everyone has a heart, even if you have to dig deep for it. I still have nightmares about the man my father used to be. The man he slowly has become, however, is a man I'm proud to call my father.

You're welcome? Not awful is a good thing, and I guess the follow-up to my previous post is that the rhythm seemed a bit off at times, like a song that's in two different time signatures. I realize that's a fairly nebulous statement, not to mention (mostly) a matter of taste. To me, though, it could be fairly abrupt at times, which if that's what you're going for, then that's awesome, but I found myself thrown for a loop as to what the hell had happened. That being said, I have the same problem in my own writing. I'll immerse myself in the world of the story, where I'm omniscient, and my narratives can tend to leave people scratching their heads and going "Huh?" So yeah, if this were a song, I'd tell you to watch your tempo, but as this is a story, I have no idea what to say other than to babble on and on about music and the shortfalls of my own writing. Yeesh. I hope I made sense. Anyway, congratulations on post 200. Obviously, a lot of people agree with me about the "categorically-not-awful" bit if you have that many comments.

I have read some truly god-awful stuff in my day, mostly on nifty (aka the blue jungle), but some on here too. Yours was categorically not-awful.

Ok, look...I know this was an old post and everything but... JESUS H. CHRIST ON A GOD-D$%M POGO STICK!!!! I feel as though I've just been repeatedly punched in the gut. What a powerful short story. POWERFUL. Tremendously sad, but powerful.

I love how irreverent you are, Young Sage. You draw a giant caricature of the whole online gay fiction "thing" with this story and yet keep the snark to a few tasteful zingers. Satire without cruelty is a beautiful thing. Bravo.

I put down this story after the first time I read through the first few chapters. There's some STARK similarities to my childhood here. My dad was really similar to William Sr, but, you know, he softened. I guess at heart, my dad really is a good guy and just needed the opportunity. I'd love to see some redemption for William Sr. No one's all bad. Maybe even a glimmer? Pleeeeease. He's just too easy to hate. That being said, I just wanted you to know that your story is one of the few that I check the announcements page for EVERY single time I log on.

I think there's something sweet and innocent about the relationship between your two main characters. I love how you've captured the awkwardness of the early stages of a relationship: the sexual tension, the playful banter, the god-awful/completely wonderful/still-subtle friction of personalities. The only thing that concerns me is that there's the danger of it becoming a bit canned (Jock meet Sensitive Guy. They fall in love. They have sex. Inter-personal drama ensues. They break up. Big, disastrous event brings them back together. Happily ever after. Rinse and repeat.) I'm trusting that there's definitely more in the mix than that. Looking forward to it. And if it means anything, I was so into the last chapter than I had my Mac read it to me (you Mac users out there, just highlight the appropriate text, ctrl-click, select speech, select start speaking, and voila: instant audio-book) while I was in the shower getting ready for dinner.

I'm loving the world of Rust. The only word I can think to describe it is lush, which seems a bit inappropriate as it's a dystopian desert world, but still...lush. I like to imagine it as like Menzoberranzan (from the Legend of Drizzt) meets Dune. My only complaint is that I'd like to see more description of the city, but since I'm having such fun creating it in my own head, that's not exactly a big concern for me right now. This has the makings for a great sci-fi/fantasy epic. Hope to see more. Definitely looking forward to seeing the development of the Alexi character. He seemed so flat at first, but he's filling out rather nicely now.

Chapter 1 was exquisitely absurd. I found myself giggling condescendingly at the people people around me who wouldn't make it through the first few paragraphs. Bravo, sir. Bravo. You've created something truly unique here. It's absolutely ridiculous, but at the same time-poignant and oh-so relevant. I can't stop giggling. I don't even LIKE giggling.

Thanks I appreciate the encouragement

By the by, I can't post an announcement that chapter 1 is up. Any suggestions? Shanks

Okay, couple of things to clarify: 1.) This is a framed story. That means it starts with the ending (prologue), then moves cyclically until it ends up where it began, thus framing the larger story. Think movies like "Crash." 2.) Each chapter will have two parts: one from Kevin (Feedback) and one from Parker (Helios). There was some problem with editing the chapter (I'm not exactly an html guru), and I've made changes to the text to clarify this item. That being said, thanks for reading! Chapter 2 in the works now. You guys be patient with me as this is my first go-round.

Check out concept art for our heroes' costumes here. (ctrl-left click to open in new window) (command-click for you mac users)

Okay guys. I'm trying to get serious about wearing my author hat here, so I figured I'd fire up a discussion board about the story. Feel free to ask any questions, post any thoughts, or make any observations about the story here. Enjoy!