Wow. I guess I'm the first reviewer. I'm going to be review the same way I do on Fanfiction.net. Well, I hope I don't annoy you.
Okay. My critic...
Try to use the comma (,) a bit more could help clarify things more. For example(s),
"I felt bad that I kissed him but if I didn’t I might never get the chance again."
you can change that to
"I felt bad that I kissed him but if I didn’t, I might never get the chance again."
and
"When I was able to I tried to explain why I was screaming and why I was crying without telling them I was gay."
change that to
"When I was able to, I tried to explain why I was screaming and why I was crying without telling them I was gay."
There were quite a few of this grammatic problem in this chapter. I think there were some in the last chapter but I don't remember where. I'm not saying that it's bad; I just think that people might be less confused about what is being said sometimes if you just add commas in spots like that.
And here...
"Grey was a little slower than those two, his eyes we semi-closed and his face was twisted up into a scowl.
In this situation, you should use a semicolon ( between two and his instead of a comma (,) , since those two are separate sentences but are connected in its topic. I don't remember where you capitalize the word after the semicolon or not. I guess it's fine lowercase.
"Grey was a little slower than those two; his eyes were semi-closed and his face was twisted up into a scowl."
Over all, I think that it was great.
my fan comments...
I know that Chase likes Mark and Mark kinda likes him back, but I seem to think that Grey kinda likes Mark as well. It seems that he is just hiding his slight feelings that behind that quiet antisocial air of his. Well, I think so anyways. I also think that Zachary is the same way but he doesn't hide it like Grey does; He hides it behind his friendship with Mark. That's why I think that he is mad at Mark for leaving him. He thinks that maybe Mark would come to love and depend on the three that live with Mark instead of him. Oh and a request from me: Please don't let Mark fall in love with Jordan.
my personal comments...
I have a friend named Markus but he prefers the nickname of Marki. His twin brother, who is also a friend of mine, has a crush on me but I can't return his feeling because I feel that he's a close friend, nothing beyond that.
I lol'd when you mentioned Static Shock. I loved that show back when it first aired. When was that 2000?
I loved the breakfast part. I thought it was funny.
Long review, huh? I guess I over did it again. I'm going to read the next the chapter to see what happens next. Later, (^o^)/