Mirei Magik

My Critic There the same grammar mistake as before but I just review today so I don't expect you to change it so soon anyways. "After walking Zachary out the door I went into the kitchen to get some water. After finding no cups anywhere in the cabinets I had to get one from the dishwasher, which then turned into putting the dishes away. And then that progressed into fixing up their pantry which was not at all neat." Change it to... "After walking Zachary out the door, I went into the kitchen to get some water. After finding no cups anywhere in the cabinets, I had to get one from the dishwasher, which then turned into putting the dishes away. And then that progressed into fixing up their pantry, which was not at all neat." You can also change the "After finding no cups anywhere in the cabinets..." part into "After not finding any cups in the cabinets..." but it's fine how it is. Personal Comment I sound naggy, huh? Blame it on my picky english teacher, who gave me an F on a paper because I had grammar mistakes in it. . I guess that I that's just an excuses, huh? (I keep saying huh, huh? O.O). I'm so glad that I don't have English class this term. Fan comment When I saw the part about Chase's DVD, I immediately thought "is that porn?" And at this part... [ “ Well, how about you and I go do something?” He was asking me to do something with him?I was smiling in my mind but I just grinned. “Sure, That’d be cool.” He got up and started to walk to the stairs."] I wolf whistled and thought this might lead up to a possible sex/touching/kissing scene...Is it? *pleading* I'm looking forward to the next chapter that you post of this story. Hope you write more. Later, (^-^)/

Wow. I guess I'm the first reviewer. I'm going to be review the same way I do on Fanfiction.net. Well, I hope I don't annoy you. Okay. My critic... Try to use the comma (,) a bit more could help clarify things more. For example(s), "I felt bad that I kissed him but if I didn’t I might never get the chance again." you can change that to "I felt bad that I kissed him but if I didn’t, I might never get the chance again." and "When I was able to I tried to explain why I was screaming and why I was crying without telling them I was gay." change that to "When I was able to, I tried to explain why I was screaming and why I was crying without telling them I was gay." There were quite a few of this grammatic problem in this chapter. I think there were some in the last chapter but I don't remember where. I'm not saying that it's bad; I just think that people might be less confused about what is being said sometimes if you just add commas in spots like that. And here... "Grey was a little slower than those two, his eyes we semi-closed and his face was twisted up into a scowl. In this situation, you should use a semicolon ( between two and his instead of a comma (,) , since those two are separate sentences but are connected in its topic. I don't remember where you capitalize the word after the semicolon or not. I guess it's fine lowercase. "Grey was a little slower than those two; his eyes were semi-closed and his face was twisted up into a scowl." Over all, I think that it was great. my fan comments... I know that Chase likes Mark and Mark kinda likes him back, but I seem to think that Grey kinda likes Mark as well. It seems that he is just hiding his slight feelings that behind that quiet antisocial air of his. Well, I think so anyways. I also think that Zachary is the same way but he doesn't hide it like Grey does; He hides it behind his friendship with Mark. That's why I think that he is mad at Mark for leaving him. He thinks that maybe Mark would come to love and depend on the three that live with Mark instead of him. Oh and a request from me: Please don't let Mark fall in love with Jordan. my personal comments... I have a friend named Markus but he prefers the nickname of Marki. His twin brother, who is also a friend of mine, has a crush on me but I can't return his feeling because I feel that he's a close friend, nothing beyond that. I lol'd when you mentioned Static Shock. I loved that show back when it first aired. When was that 2000? I loved the breakfast part. I thought it was funny. Long review, huh? I guess I over did it again. I'm going to read the next the chapter to see what happens next. Later, (^o^)/