LittleBuddhaTW

I was definitely thankful for the two extra days off from school. When Ryan and Toby came home on Monday afternoon, they informed me that while pretty much everyone had heard that I had been beaten up and hospitalized, no one had known about the rape. That would save me from a great deal of shame and embarrassment. I don't think anyone would have gone so low as to tease me about it or anything (except for maybe Trent Lomax), but just knowing that they knew would drive me crazy. So that was one w

"So what do you think your dream meant? What was your subconscious trying to tell you?" the doctor asked, leaning back in his chair and eyeing me thoughtfully. "I really don't know," I sighed, already having answered this same question at least half a dozen times. "Don't you want to figure that out?" he prodded. "Yes, I need to know," I answered firmly. I just wished I could figure it out. That was the problem. If I had any clue what it had meant, I would have told him. "Dreams can be

"Well, look at who we have here," I heard Trent Lomax's voice say as I walked into the bathroom during third period on Monday. It had been over a month since Delcondris had his little "talk" with Trent, and he hadn't bothered me since. Unfortunately, it appeared that my luck had run out again. On the bright side, his usual group of cronies wasn't with him, and it seemed like I just showed up in the wrong place at the wrong time. And for some reason, it always seemed to be in the bathroom. I w

"Try to keep the tempo driving," I instructed Cody, who was playing rhythm guitar, right before going into the opening verse of the song we were currently working on. Cody grinned at me and nodded in reply, immediately picking up the tempo. It was the first Sunday afternoon of our Christmas vacation. The day before, Mr. Bill had called me at Ryan's -- I had given him the number earlier, telling him he could reach me there on the weekends -- and told me that if I performed a show on New Yea

Going back to school the week after Christmas vacation was hell. Not because I really disliked school, but because I wasn't sure where things stood with Ryan. It was like nothing had changed, but everything had changed, at least to me. What the hell does "take a break" or "cool things down" mean, anyway? Ryan told me I needed to take some time to think about what I really wanted. To me, that was a no-brainer. I knew I wanted to be with Ryan. Cody was just ... well ... curiosity, I guess. Sure

Bee-beep ... Bee-beep ... Bee-beep ... Bee-beep ... I really hated the sound of my alarm clock. Whoever invented those damn things, along with the brilliant "powers-that-be" who decided that high school kids should have to start school at seven-thirty in the morning, should all be taken out into the middle of nowhere and shot. I read somewhere that teenagers need at least eight hours of sleep each night, and I didn't know any teenager who got that much. No wonder I felt so tired and groggy no

I was extremely thankful on Monday morning when Maggie came into my room and announced that I would be able to go home, or at least what would be my temporary home for the next week or so. I was most definitely not a fan of hospitals, as I'd had some bad experiences with them after being beaten by my mother. This time had definitely been the worst, though. I hoped that I would never have to go back to the hospital, and considering that my mother was now dead, which I still didn't feel any intens

"So, how's your recovery coming along, Connor?" Dwayne asked."Pretty good, I think. I'm still a little sore, though," I replied.I wasn't really in the mood for the small talk. I felt like the defendant in a murder trial, and just wanted to be read the verdict."Well, I'm sure you don't want to beat around the bush, and I don't want to keep you all too late. So let's get right down to it," he said, opening up one of the file folders in front of him.I figured that was probably the information on th

"I ... I really need to get to class ... please let me go," I muttered, my gaze lowered at the cold, hard linoleum floor of the bathroom. "Ha! You don't think I've noticed that you don't have your little boyfriend and his friends around to protect you anymore?" Trent Lomax laughed menacingly. "Now it's just you and me, white trash fag boy." Actually, it was me, Trent, and three of his lackeys who had caught me off-guard by myself in the hallway right before second period and dragged me int

"So what time do you have to be home?" Cody asked. "It doesn't really matter. I'll call Ryan to come pick me up later," I said, trying not to sound too unenthused. We were sitting on the bus together, riding to Cody's house. Ryan had convinced me to go over on Tuesday after school, and said to give him a call when I was ready to leave, and he'd come pick me up. Even though I'd agreed to go, I still wasn't happy about it. I could have spent the afternoon with my boyfriend instead of going o

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! The sound of my alarm clock on Monday morning rudely woke me from my deep slumber. After smacking the alarm with my fist a few times until it ceased its incessant squawking, it then took me a few moments to realize that I wasn't still at the McCormacks' house, and neither Ryan nor Toby was curled up beside me. It was a depressing thought. I knew that I would see them today, but figured that at least during school hours, they probably wouldn't want to be seen with

I woke up the next morning feeling a little groggy, maybe an after-effect of the pills I'd taken the previous night. After spending a few minutes clearing my head of all the cobwebs and recalling the events of the past twenty-four hours, I suddenly noticed that at some point during the night, Ryan had ended up shifting around on the bed and was currently spooning up behind me, with his arm draped over my chest. I could feel his morning erection pressed up against my butt. I'd never been in a pos

It had been over a month since Ryan had walked in on Toby and me going at it in his bedroom, and over a month of no communication at all with Ryan. I had experienced a little over a week of probably the happiest time in my life, and I had fucked it up. The night of the "incident," after I pulled myself together, I tried to talk to Ryan. I didn't really know what I was going to say, but I felt that I at least had to try. I knocked on his door, pleaded with him, begged him, but he wouldn't ans

AAAAAH! SWEET RELIEF!!!! I thought to myself, shaking off the last drops of pee and flushing the toilet. It had taken me a good five minutes to free myself from Ryan's arms when I woke up, eliciting an adorable whimper from him ... but I had to piss like a mo' fo'! It was only seven o'clock, and Toby's swim meet didn't start until ten, but I opted to just go downstairs rather than go back to bed. Although another hour or so cuddled up in Ryan's arms was very tempting, I wasn't really tired anymo

The night of the big show, on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, was now less than a week away. There was still no communication from Ryan, and I hadn't spoken with Mikey again since that one afternoon in the auditorium, except for the occasional casual greeting in the hallway. In this case, I wasn't so sure that no news was good news. The void in my heart was growing larger, my sense of loneliness even more profound. Being ignored by Ryan for well over a month, the increased beatings at home, a

Isn't it odd that when you least expect a panic attack is when they happen, and when you expect one, they don't? Well, that's about how I was feeling when Maggie dropped the bombshell on me about stopping by my house and meeting my mother, and that Ryan was her accomplice. About the only way I could think of to get out of facing the situation was to have another panic attack. I'd never wanted one before, but I sure did then. I considered the possibility of faking one, but with Maggie being a

RIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!!As the bell for the end of the day sounded, I jumped out of my seat at the back of the classroom and quickly made my way out the door. Three weeks into my sophomore year at an all new school (having moved here over the summer with my mom -- although I use that term loosely, as she has never done much "mothering" since I came to live with her when I was nine), I had already developed a routine. I had to catch a public bus to get home (another term I use loosely, sin

Connor Matthews, a shy boy who comes from an abusive family is accidentally hit in the head by a lacrosse ball one day, which leads him to meet Ryan, an attractive redhead, and his younger brother, Toby. Connor gradually learns to come out of his shell, but not without some traumatic experiences along the way.

"If you seek it, you cannot find it."-- Zen Proverb The snow was falling lightly against the windshield of my mom's Toyota Land Cruiser as we made our way through the Adirondacks on a crisp, cold Sunday morning in late December. My parents were totally into New Age and alternative lifestyles, and for the past several years during Christmas vacation, unlike most kids who spent their time unwrapping presents, singing Christmas carols, and sipping on hot chocolate, I was on my way to a s

At a stark winter Zen Buddhist retreat in the Adirondacks, a queer teen chasing enlightenment meets a shy newcomer who unsettles his vows, confronts a predatory monk with the roshi’s fierce compassion, and learns that awakening isn’t an escape from desire but a wiser way to hold it—culminating in a first kiss and the possibility of real love beyond the monastery gates.

I was such a little wuss! I was sixteen years old and had never been away from home before. The closest I had ever come was the occasional sleepover with one of my friends. Heck, I'd never even been on a campout! And now, here I was, getting off an airplane in Atlanta, and on my way to a four-day band camp, all in preparation for a three week tour of Europe. Yes, I admit that I was a band geek, too. And me being the "responsible, hard-working, never gotten in trouble a day in his life or done an

2006 Summer Anthology A shy, rule-following sixteen-year-old band geek from Kansas finds himself lost and lonely on a European tour—until a chance encounter in a Paris café with a daring local boy turns his world upside down. When he impulsively runs away from his marching band to spend three forbidden weeks exploring the city, Austin experiences his first taste of love, freedom, and rebellion. What begins as a teenage act of defiance becomes a life-changing journey through art, passion, and self-discovery—one that will forever change how he sees the world, and himself.

Yikes, I can't believe it's been, like, 8 months since my last blog! It's amazing how quickly life passes by sometimes ... Anyway, since my last blog post, I closed on my new house, spent about a month dealing with contractors to completely renovate the whole place (quite the undertaking -- both in terms of the stress involved and the cost!) But, I'm all settled in and love it. The commute to work is awful, but living sort of out in the country is nice -- peaceful and quiet! Moving from a 600 sq. foot apartment to a 2,400 sq. foot house required me to buy lots of furniture and spend lots of time decorating. It's not all done yet (will it ever be?), but it's probably about 80% complete. Work is busy, busy, busy ... and more stressful than usual lately. When I get home in the evening, I just want to crash on the couch and watch television (or just pass out from exhaustion). But, it pays my mortgage, so I can't complain too much. On to more 'important' things, though ... Yes, I have started writing again. WISYA hasn't been 'speaking' to me lately, so I'm not sure at what point I'm going to pick it up again. I've 'tentatively' started a new serial novel, called "Home By Now" (unless I change). It's a bit on the 'dark' side, but I like how it's going so far. I at least want to complete a few chapters or more before I start posting, and I really have no clue when that will be, but progress (or something like progress) is at least happening ... Final note for the evening ... I'm now reading the 'Twilight' series for the third time, and saw 'New Moon' on opening weekend. For the longest time, I refused to read the books or see the movies, but I finally caved when I was bored one weekend, and now I'm hooked! No, Stephenie Meyer won't be winning any literary awards anytime soon, but there is something really captivating about the story ... and it doesn't hurt that Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are soooo dreamy! ;-) Anyway, that's it for now ... Hopefully I'll be back again soon ... :-) *Hugz* Buddha

Yes, I know I've been horrible about keeping in touch lately. Things have been crazy at work, and I'm in the process of buying my first house, which is a lot more involved than I'd expected. But, home prices and mortgage rates are low, plus that $8,000 new homebuyer tax credit ... so, now is a good time to do it. I've put in an offer on a place about an hour from work. It's kind of far, and a little bit out in the sticks (a nice, newer development, though). It's a short-sale, which means about 2 months waiting for the seller's bank to make a decision, and it needs some work ... but at the crazy low price, it'll be worth it, and I'll have plenty of money left over to make some immediate upgrades, like hardwood floors, new carpeting, new paint, granite counter tops in the kitchen, all new stainless steel appliances, and of course, lots of new furniture and a new home theater system. Yeah, I'm gonna totally pimp out that joint! I offered the listed price on the house and have asked the seller (i.e. the bank) to pay the closing costs. Unfortunately, with short-sales it's possible that the seller (the bank) could counter with a price HIGHER than the asking price, since the seller and the seller's bank aren't always on the same page as far as how much of a loss they're willing to accept. If that happens, hopefully it won't be too much more, otherwise I won't have as much money to spend on the place right away, and then it wouldn't necessarily be worth it. We'll see, though ... I'm keeping my fingers crossed! Baseball season has started up again. I signed up for the Comcast "MLB Extra Innings" package, so I can watch all of the Tigers' games this year, even though I'm out-of-market. I used to get MLB.tv, but I got tired of watching all the games on my tiny laptop screen, so it's great to be able to watch on a full-size TV now. It'll be even better when I get into my new house and buy a 50" Plasma high-def television, with surround sound. And, it'll be just in time to watch the Florida Gators and Tim Tebow win another national championship! WOO-HOO! Anyway, there's a game starting in about 30 minutes and I need to feed the cats before it starts, or they'll be whining the whole time. Laterz! Buddha

Being at the informal GA get-together in D.C. this afternoon, I was reminded by EVERYONE how long it had been since I'd blogged or written anything. So ... I'm going to at least blog for a couple minutes ... I had a very nice time this afternoon hanging out with some of my fellow GA brethren (and sistren ). It was great seeing Dan and Trebs again (we had an awesome time out in San Francisco in November 2007), and finally getting to meet the fabulous Sharon! I also got to see Rigel again, and meet a couple new folks -- SonoLuminus, her husband ("The Other Joe"), and Robbie (who's quite ... errmmm ... cute ). It was also nice being in DC at the height of the inauguration fervor. The whole city was alive and full of people, tons of excitement and positive energy in the air. There's no way I'm going to try to brave the city on Tuesday for the actual inauguration (waaaay too many people), but it was nice to experience at least just a little of it all. Work has been really busy for some months now, but is going well. I did have a bit of a health scare recently, though. I hurt my back helping to move a table at work a couple weeks ago, and when I went to the emergency room to get it checked out, they found that my blood pressure was very high (160/110). So, I had to go see my doctor, and he put me on blood pressure medication. I'm going back tomorrow to get the results of my blood tests & urinalysis, as well as an EKG. I'll probably end up on cholesterol medication too. It's kinda scary, since I'm only 31 and all, but at least I caught it early, and I guess the back injury (which is all healed now) was a blessing in disguise of sorts. I've totally changed my dietary habits, and hopefully I'll be able to give up smoking soon. I need to start exercising more too. Anyway, enough of that ... I'm going back to watching the Ravens game! *Hugz* Buddha