Bobby

HeHe, I guess we should have known something was up !!!! Bobby

James you've hit the nail on the head, sounds like you have walked more than a few miles in my shoes. I still feel I need to give this a shot, win, lose or draw, it will be a learning experience. We are going to go at this as roommates for now. David has hit on some rough times, I have a spare bedroom, and this is no more than what I'd do for ANY of my friends that fell on similar circumstances. I am headed back down there the first of next week. I inherited the place from my parents after Mom died last year, going to spend the next few weeks trying to decide what I want to keep and what needs to be sold or just tossed. David's Mom has offered to help me sort through everything (my parents were packrats) I have put that off for long enough, It's time to turn "their" place into "my" place, IF that is even possible. It's going to be a very interesting second half of 2006, I kind of feel like I'm at a fork in the road, I see advantages and disadvantages down both paths. Bobby :wacko:

Thanks for all the input everyone. Couple of things to add to this, It wasn't what I would call a long term marriage, just short of 3 years, no kids involved, They both agree "it just wasn't working". He is in way over his head on his house payments, They were doing OK with the 2 incomes, but I don't see anyway for him to keep it with just his. It's really a shame, He had just about paid for the land (15 years), Then got caught up in one of those Zero-down IF you own the land home deals. He is really neutral about trying to save his place, I offered to loan him the money to bring it current, He said he wouldn't feel right about it. He's really in a funk over all this. Now for the other side, I was over at his place this weekend helping him box things up. I ran across his high school yearbook, I told him, he really shouldn't keep so much "crap" stuffed between the pages, it will ruin the book. When I got to looking, all that "crap" was letters I'd written him, tickets stubs from things we did together, all kinds of stuff like that. I can't even start to describe how that made me feel, he has hung on to this stuff for so long. I really was touched, it was neat to read things I'd wrote 20 years ago. To know, I meant enough to him, that he saved all this. I was overwhelmed. Bobby

I am considering moving back to Tennessee, just wanting to run something by you all, and see what your thoughts are. I got a call a month or so ago from a friend in TN., He wanted me to know his older brother was getting a divorce. Jeff proceeded to tell me how unhappy David was and asked if I would run by and see him next time I was down that way. Jeff told me how he had noticed I could always cheer David up & he had asked about me last time Jeff had talked to him. I guess I should fill you all in on a little history, David and I had a "fling" many years ago, He was in High School and I in College, it lasted a couple of years. We just kind of drifted apart, David always said he was "straight", I was wanting more. I moved away after college, and only saw David at family functions and such, He met a girl & moved in with her. I really started avoiding him, not mad or anything like that, It just hurt to see him doing things with her that I used to enjoy. Now that I look back, I never really got over David, I just put him to the back of my mind, kind of like my "forbidden fruit". Now 20 years later we are talking about him moving in with me or vice-versa. I just don't know what to think, this is all I ever wanted, Can dreams really come true ??? Can this really work?? David says I'm the only guy he has ever been with and is not even sure the Bi label fits him but also admits "feelings" for me. My biggest worry is a couple of years down the road David will meet another girl and want to go "mainstream" again. Bobby

Wasn't he supposed to call his Doctor after 4 hours ???? after a month... best to call your mortician, that's rigamortis, not the Viagra!! Bobby

Great reading, And the having to go through a couple of shrinks to find one that "works" for you, was very insightful. With the brief medical history you touched on in earlier chapters concerning Toby, I am now more worried about him than I am Conner. David, you are tying this story together very nicely, Although I sense some dark chapters ahead. Bobby

Kurtie and Tatyana sittin in a tree........ Bobby

Chapter 13

It was a toss up for me between Conner & Ryan, I finally went with Ryan. His caring & compassion won my vote. Bobby

Hey Kurt, I think you've got one of the protest songs from the 1960's there, I've heard it several times, I really like it, Has quite a message to it. Bobby

I don't think it's against the law for a gay guy to have tools and a toolbox, (I'll need to check the handbook we all got) as long as you paint a few pastel flowers on it, maybe some pansies Bobby

I have to wonder if we aren't doing ourselves a disservice by allowing this pond scum to have some form of voice on a forum as beautiful as this one ??? I would hate to think they get some form of demented satisfaction from having a link to that video here. We already see the distance they will go to get their hate filled message out, protesting at funerals. Why??? Because that was the only way to get noticed. I feel the less avenues they have to spread their hate, the better. Bobby

DC, Wow, sorry to hear about what has happened to you. Reading your account of how it has effected you, I could have wrote that, I've had 2 failed relationships, I'll never forget The day Vic (first REAL BF) decided to leave. He sat me down and told me "Bobby, I'm so sorry, But it is impossible to love you, when you don't love yourself" I sat there wondering what in the hell he meant by that. But it was over, No fighting, No arguing, He just walked out of my life. I have the same self-esteem problems, My "self talk", that little voice in my head, never fails to remind me how worthless I really am. I feel like damaged goods, kind of like I should only be available in some second hand store. This voice just gets louder, anytime I find success at anything, Things start going good for me, and then I just give up. I also have the same problem with people "complimenting" me on anything, their words just ring so hollow in my head, then that little voice takes over "they wouldn't be saying that if they knew the REAL you" Someone here wrote me and said it took courage to post a small part of my story in a open forum like this, but I see it more of a desperation move. I want so bad to feel NORMAL, even if just for a little while. It's only been a short time since I wrote that first post, punching that send button was really hard, but somehow, I feel a freedom from doing it. I hope maybe you will feel the same way, I'm here if you ever want to talk, either here or a PM, feel free to contact me. once again welcome, you are among friends. Bobby

For me, performer would be Elton John and the songs Goodbye Yellow Brick Road & Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me. All time favorite song................ Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody Bobby

I'd like to let everyone know how much this can effect someone from maybe a different perspective. I was molested & raped repeatedly at a young age, 2nd & 3rd grade. I am now 45 and it still effects my life very often. I am the youngest of 5 children, my next oldest brother (7 years difference) and his friend, had their way with me using threats and intimidation to keep me from telling. I was told by my brother, "if you tell they will remove you from the home" Sounds kind of strange to say that now, but that was many years ago, I was young and I believed him, actually the exact opposite would have happened. I couldn't even start to tell you how many times it happened, there is still a huge mental block there. I do know it continued until a neighbor saw Ervin (brothers friend) pulling me while I was crying behind a shed at his house. When he walked over to find out what was wrong, he caught Ervin in the act. I begged him not to tell my parents, I remember thinking somehow this was all my fault. At that point my brother wasn't involved, only later (many years) after much therapy did I admit he was there from the start, it was just that Ervin did it much more often. I remember a whole lot of tension in our house after the neighbor told my parents. Their answer to this "problem" was to sell the house, and we moved to the other side of town. I can remember feeling, for something that wasn't my fault, I was sure being punished. I was forced to leave all my friends, because of something that prick had done to me, and he got to go on like nothing ever happened. BTW, one of the first manifestations of these assaults showed up around this time, I became a bed wetter. My parents tried everything from no liquids after dinner to shame to get me out of this, nothing helped, I only later learned that this is very common in molested children. I was forced to try and make new friends when I didn't trust anyone. If you have read my introduction in the welcome thread, it was about now that I started telling myself I was a loner, that was acceptable in my head, my answer to why I didn't make friends. I felt if I let anyone get close to me, they would find out this terrible thing I had done, shame was constantly in my mind. When I started becoming a sexual being, I found I was attracted to boys, I blamed my brother & Ervin, and an anger started to grow. Years went by, I slowly built a wall around those feelings pushing them down into the subconscious and allowing them to just fester. I had anger problems would over react and lash out. I remember when I was around 22, I got into an argument with my brother, and during a verbal exchange he called me a faggot, I exploded and pulled a knife on him, had another brother not been in the house and heard us, I believe I would have killed him. No one understood why I had went off like I did, I was so hurt by then I was unwilling to talk about it, I was now the "bad guy" There is much more to this story, but I need to take a break, what I am trying to get at, rapes & molestations effect the rest of your life, I am open to questions about this, just ask, and I will try my best to answer them. Bobby

Not sure how I feel about this chapter, everyone seems to accept that Conner will be placed into foster care. Seems to me, someone who has been living as independent as Conner has, would be fighting this more, or just run. I guess maybe you are setting us up for a happy outcome (I hope), or could it be your about to teach us the true unfairness of the system. Now that the state is involved, I have a hard time picturing a happy ending for Conner. Bobby

Hi all, I am not very good at expressing myself, but in this case I feel I must try. I've spent the last 6 years of my life taking care of my ailing mother, I finally lost her in March of last year, I have been in a spiraling depression ever since. I grew up in a home steeped in Southern traditions, the several times I tried to come out of the closet, I was tossed back in and a much larger, heavier door was placed on it. Spent my fair share of time on a couch in therapy (total waste of time) I heard that old "We only want what's best for you" more times than I care to count. I realize now, they didn't want what was best for me, they didn't want to face the shame they would surely feel for raising a gay son. I have felt since my early teens that I was living my life from behind a mask. I was unable or unwilling to let people see the true me, now after 30 years or so, when I look behind that mask, I see nothing. For the longest time, told myself I was a loner, only now do I realize, I'm not a loner, just a liar, the worst kind, I lied to myself. I want to thank the creators & authors of this web site. I have spent at least 5 or 6 hours a day reading the stories posted here, It has become my bright light, leading me from a very dark place. This site has for sure saved at least one life, mine !! You should all be very proud. Kind of funny, I just got to thinking, now that I've found this place, I'm just like a can of Budweiser, I have a born on date, APRIL 16, 2006 Thanks Guys Bobby

Your from somewhere south of the Mason/Dixon line, But isn't it only a Belly Wash if your having it with a Moon Pie ????

Wow, intense. Please don't make us wait long for chapter 12, I'd hate to have to join the other two and form a posse. Of course maybe then we could get group rates on the flight to look for you. Bobby :2hands:

[Nah, I think I'll wait a couple more days and make you all sweat it out ... ] Me thinks LittleBuddha might be a bit of a tease Bobby