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thatboyChase

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  4. thatboyChase

    dancing for dollars

    By thatboyChase,

    ice is over
    here is the plan
    we're traveling there from land to land
     
    where's the monkey that i've been told of?
    look at the money as it burns through my hands
     
    im dancing for dollars
    for a fancy man
  12. thatboyChase

    fooly

    By thatboyChase,

    i don't like when i dislike my friends. especially the ones from home.
     
    but they are all stuck there, kind of stuck in high school. nothing is going for them. a part of me wants to keep the friendships but another part of me wants to cut them off. they are a block to my creativity and progress. is that worth sacrificing though? they make me mad, they seem immature. i notice their immaturity. its nothing outlandish, just small things. moral things that my parents taught me to do right but they don't do right. sometimes i question why they were even my friends.
     
    some of them have been the source of writing some of the tunes i have, but i think that's a good thing. they are reference material to my emotions. but i am beginning to dislike them more and more. i want to get away. but still a part of me wants to just remain and stay and not complicate things. remain stagnant. they feel like clothes and i have grown out of them.
     
    its strange because i have noticed in my life my close friends cycle in and out. some come back, others leave for good, or i don't hear from them. i wonder if anybody else is like that. if their friends come and go, some stay for years then leave, others for months. here and there.
     
    or is the idea to have a friend(s) that you can always go back to that treats you like they saw you the day before? i think the person i have been closest to i resent now, for various things. he annoys me, immature, nothing going for him. my dad even told me to get rid of him "he would only bring me down in my career" he said. but i like him as a friend but at the same time i don't.
     
    i thought i could function on the "out of sight/out of mind" principle but that's hard to become disciplined at.
     
    i haven't read a book for 7 years, more. when i was younger i couldn't stop reading, i read everything. now i don't. maybe thats my problem, i don't read enough. expand my mind. i produce and compose music, but that seems like a calling, i am more expanded in that category, but not expanded in my mind. does anybody know good thought provoking works, i know some of you have good suggestions.
     
    i've tried new things but i haven't fully re-organized myself. people said i had changed in the past year and a half but i only saw it as a re-organization of my priorities. however, in that time i simply dwell on the things i dislike. the things i do like seem like treasure, hard to find. i blame it on my age sometimes. i haven't fucked anything in a while, is that the problem? i feel like if that was the only reason that would be petty and stupid. i just can't and won't focus on sexual things. especially now since i've never been surrounded by so many hot ass bro's in LA in my life. i ignore it, them. there is one guy who has always showed interest in me but he is so dramatic, intense. that seems so tiresome to me.
     
    sometimes when i think of the goals i have set for myself, because that helps me, i seem selfish. i don't think about anybody, if anything, anybody is just another stone i step on to move up. but even then, that sounds so trite, douchebaggeryish. i just think of what i need to do to get there. but when i get there i am told i can do whatever i want, i can rekindle the things ignored while trying to get there? that doesn't seem right.
     
    everything moves as planned though, the motion doesn't stop. i just wonder if i should replace the blocks in my life the things i think that prevent me from going forward. im certain i know plenty of people who would treat me better, even in the small things.
     
    but things change, nothing stays the same. its so weird, it doesn't. as much as you wish something can just be on loop for the rest of your life, it won't be.
     
    lately my music has been so minor and my melodies rarely resolved. my drum beats are broken and wrong but they work. its strange how i can take a feeling and make it sound. its so easy, so simple to sit in front of a tower or a synth, or my computer and make anger, or happiness. it doesn't need to be just piano notes. but i hate music too, like it doesn't give up what i want when i want it. i hear something in my head but its wrong through my ears.
     
    i have impressed myself with the understanding though, of practice. that it works when you do it, or when you study. its strange how people don't but expect it to happen, without learning.
     
    maybe that is my problem, or something entirely different.
     
    ill go drink now with my designer friends to make matters worse.
  14. thatboyChase

    if music

    By thatboyChase,

    if music on the corner
    if music where it's at
    if music who will buy?
    if music i heard that
     
    if music is the magic
    if music found a cure
    if music take some time out
    if music open the door
     
    if music secret rendez-vous
    if music blow your head
    if music revelation
    if music miles ahead
  16. thatboyChase

    doowylloh

    By thatboyChase,

    i dislike cutting throats to get noticed in this town. step over the next bloody corpse. moving up that line. it feels strange, trying to out-do. but nobody says it
     
    but if it gets me somewhere, it must be okay.
     
    its hard to create something without thinking of the consumer. to appease someone i don't even know. fuck
     
    i think different is secretly accepted. which is good, good for me, good for you, good for us. but i still don't understand why its such a killing field. many a rapist is here, not that kind, the dream rapist kind. they take em.
     
    its funny how you choose specific words to get somewhere, get in a place, get in someone. and it works. are some people easy on purpose? or am i manipulative...on purpose ...but it doesn't work all the time. not when you're meeting this big boss(s).
     
    but i feel fortunate, the names i can say i know. but are names currency here?
     
    different to them is unknown. unknown is good to me. you can fit things there.
     
    they spread this fear, the kind of fear that hides in the word "no". its on their lips, waiting, they want to say it. say it so bad. you are not allowed. the gates of this town are protected, locked shut.
     
    but you can't let them say it.
     
    the days when things fell in my lap seem the fondest now.
     
    whatever...mannn im moving to santa monica
  17. thatboyChase

    conflicted

    By thatboyChase,

    i had some flings in high school, but it was about as high school as anything could of gotten. incredibly romantic and short lived and life went on. i tended to go through close friends, i had my circuit of friends and then some closer ones, those usually were in flux not all the time but every... i dunno, change of a few seasons, your friends change. i was bored with myself i think.
     
    but i had a close friend and he and i were cool. we shared alot in common and whatever (he writes beat poetry now in the LBC and is all fancy. drinks wine, we don't talk but sometimes i see him on facebook, i like he is doing well). we both go on a school trip to Washington D.C and this other dude goes who i always had eyes for. never talked to him once. i was friends with one of his close friends, she sat next to me in spanish 2. i think i failed that class. but i knew his name was brandon but that was it. it was one of those people that you just remember, or when im going in between class i'd look for him. but the main thing was that i always felt he was gay. even in high school when i didn't really admit it to myself that i was gay, it wasn't a thing of hiding or being ashamed i just didn't really want to associate with it yet. i still liked guys i just don't think i was ready to be adult about it. or maybe i was ashamed, can't say now. i have a shirt that says, "Sorry ladies, I suck cock" but i only wear that on particular occasions
     
    on this trip though i just went for it, started talking to him. at least i think that is were i started talking to him on that trip. or maybe it was a little bit before. i think it came to fruition there, away from home. i remember we exchanged numbers and would text each other after lights out, he was in another room from me. its hard to remember proper but i guess it was surreal.
     
    when we got back i asked him to hang out and that began our friendship, my other close friend included. he always would complain that i was different when brandon was around. i don't know. but he made me sick all the time. i was a quasi pussy when i couldn't understand something. he was a grade younger, but that boy rendered me useless.
     
    we would usually hang out in 3's, sometimes he and i would hang out alone. he would drive us around in his mom's corolla and listen to shit tons of music. he got me into alot of artist i like now still. he was quiet and i guess i could shove him under the category "emo" but that could be a bit much. we would hang out late, late into the night driving around and stuff. we didn't say much, i wanted to say alot but i always was so different around him.
     
    there would be all these moments, few, but they were there were something could of happened. i could of made a move or something. i never did. i would sleep over all the time, we planned a camping trip for 3 and the other couldn't go and he and i went. nothing happened. Could of, should of for christ sake, didn't.
     
    time goes by, i graduate. go off to school. don't hear from him in years. friends on facebook.
     
    one day i saw him on and i just msg'd him, i think out of nostalgia and ask him whats up. he is studying some shit on the east coast. i just msg him back giving him my number saying hit me up when you're back home. i really didn't think anything of it and months pass.
     
    i get a text from him and i don't reply for like 2 days cause i was estranged at the fact. then i do and we chat and he wants to hang out. i lied him away. the next night i think i was drunk so i obvi had to text him something, but usually im pretty good at that and just made small talk. but then he dropped some line saying he had gone to a bar and gotten hit on by men and bought drinks by some dude. so i was like oh did you get his number, a joke encase his was straight bro, and he said oh no he has a bf and is my dads age, i say something cheesey and he says well the guy was sexy for his age. i didn't reply.
     
    if im partially delusional that's pretty gay. at this point i just assume he is. i totally want to fuck the living daylights out of him and like re-hash that un-ended crap back in high school. 1% of me thinks that i could totally wrangle something dope out of this.
     
    but i don't wanna. i want to lie again, i don't know why. i feel like im too different then to now, not drastically different. but different. a part of me doesn't know if im just making this up, but im simply drawing this from past emotions and things that happened. i could talk for days for the sake of the few that tire through this crap i won't.
     
    he msg'd me today on facebook. so he clearly had to pre-meditate that. the fuck. i think a part of me wants to be something else completely before i hang out with him again after a time. but he goes back to school soon im assuming. its really weird and the feeling isn't sad or anything either. maybe its longing
     
    im confident in saying that back then whatever i felt i hadn't felt that way for anybody, some sort of sharp understanding. could be pipe dreams though
  18. thatboyChase

    words words words

    By thatboyChase,

    the tilt shift
     
     
    n. a phenomenon in which your lived experience seems oddly inconsequential once you put it down on paper, which turns an epic tragicomedy into a sequence of figures on a model train set, assembled in their tiny classrooms and workplaces, wandering along their own cautious and well-trodden paths—peaceable, generic and out of focus.
  21. thatboyChase
    so i went to this partay the other day and there is this dude on the fringes of my friend circle who somehow got invited. in the past he had problem with alcohol, i wasn't really in on the story but i guess he was borderline alcoholic, vanished for a while i guess got sober. and he obviously wasn't drinking
     
    well the WHOLE fucking time at this digger he kept forcing the "idea" of sobriety. for the sake of my friends i didn't call him out and make him seem like a douche, cause he was being a douche. he is like one of those vegan people you know who swears that vegan is the way and there isn't any other way. well this guy was preaching. i assume he went through AA which is a great thing, good job etc etc. and being able to be sober from something so sabotaging is a hard discipline and journey..and i get the whole "changed man" thing, i do i really do.
     
    but i mean, if you're one of those people, ugh. just because you couldn't handle the heat while you were in the kitchen doesn't mean the regular people like us can't. i understand addiction is a very deep thing this and that, but he was telling me how bad alcohol (I did D.A.R.E in elementary school. i knows) was, how i should be sober and acquire clarity. i have clarity when i feel like it. he went around to all the little cliques chatting and injecting his ideas. i focused on it the whole night i hated him for it. there were even cute hipster homos there but i couldn't focus on that, i focused on sober samuel preaching his ways.
     
    and everyone i meet in LA is like a fucking actor (or a dubstep producer lolool) and is all holden caulfield about the world. i see things in a less romantic way now, my uniqueness dribbles away i feel sometimes. my hate is existential, i wonder if that makes sense.. everything is asphalt and metal, curse words too and traffic. there is so much traffic.
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